Idk — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Idk | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... Idk! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Michael Jordan. Standing at 198 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Napoleon, his brother-in-law and a military leader by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying battle standard and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Napoleon can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for war front to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
109-116 (L)
This generational talent Magic Johnson in the starting lineup! Let's see what this generational talent brings!
This potential GOAT LeBron James misfires again! Ego the size of Texas could cost the team!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, gets stripped at the buzzer! Injury-prone body exposed!
Magic Johnson gets crossed over! This potential GOAT left frozen from way beyond the arc!
LeBron James scores with an unmatched feel for the game. A floater at the buzzer! Too smooth!
Halftime. Magic Johnson wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Anecdote: Magic Johnson once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Magic Johnson, this once-in-a-lifetime player, with the frustrated foul! Lack of consistency in tough moments!
LeBron James, this basketball god, comes up empty! A reverse layup off target in transition!
This household name Napoleon sets the back screen! A killer instinct off-ball contribution!
Magic Johnson misses from fatigue! This first-ballot legend can't get the elevation on the low block!
LeBron James reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
Napoleon punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. George Washington slides down the wall to the floor. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
117-88 (W)
Michael Jordan opens with a bank shot! This absolute legend making an early statement!
Magic Johnson, this household name, unleashes a tear drop back to the basket! Bang!
George Washington forces the turnover! Pressuring like cultivating the stubborn soil under deadline!
George Washington with the kick-out pass! Kicking the offense into gear, farmer style!
Napoleon positions perfectly in the key! Placement of the battle standard on the war front!
Break! Napoleon heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Small detail: Napoleon wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
This household name Magic Johnson punishes the defense with a bank shot from the right corner!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Michael Jordan gets hot!
Michael Jordan celebrates the team's success! This first-ballot legend knows together is better!
Magic Johnson, this first-ballot legend, delivers a career-defining moment! Wisdom and poise!
This household name LeBron James walks off to a standing ovation! A standing ovation! Incredible!
George Washington jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
122-88 (W)
Magic Johnson, this giant, sets the tone immediately! A killer instinct from the jump!
This basketball god Magic Johnson with a cold-blooded alley-oop! No conscience!
Michael Jordan, this absolute legend, surveys and delivers! Eyes in the back of the head in the playmaking!
Magic Johnson, this beanpole, uses strength and skill for a fadeaway jumper! Complete player!
George Washington blankets the shooter! Covering them with the seed dibber thoroughness!
Break! LeBron James has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Quick anecdote about LeBron James: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, uses every inch to deliver a double-clutch layup!
Magic Johnson piles it on! A bank shot extends the lead! No mercy tonight!
Magic Johnson accidentally steps on the Wilson and slides! This potential GOAT surfing!
Napoleon hugs teammates! Same warmth they bring to rallying the war front!
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, celebrates the win! A chest bump! What a game!
LeBron James launches his shoe into the air. Michael Jordan catches it. Standing ovation. Evening confession: I'm wearing LeBron James's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
130-93 (W)
Napoleon steps onto the palace of hoops! From rallying the war front to this, game time!
Napoleon drops a free throw from the center circle! Range that would impress any military leader!
LeBron James pinpoints the pass in transition! Another assist for this generational talent!
LeBron James strings together an off-balance shot on the low block. Nerves of steel on full display!
This hall-of-fame lock Napoleon disrupts the play with a timely rebound in traffic!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Napoleon asks for an ice pack. Did you know Napoleon plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
This potential GOAT Napoleon capitalizes facing the rim! A bucket with night-in night-out consistency!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James puts the exclamation point! A free throw at half court!
LeBron James asks the scorer's table for the score! This hall-of-fame lock forgot!
Napoleon celebrates with a victory dance! Mimicking rallying the war front on the court!
Napoleon ends on a high note! A military leader who finishes strong every time!
LeBron James mimes popping a champagne bottle. George Washington mimes chugging straight from it. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-98 (W)
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, embraces the standing ovation! Game on!
Magic Johnson times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A double team from downtown!
Napoleon launches the damn ball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this absolute legend!
Magic Johnson penetrates the basketball with natural-born leadership. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
This basketball god Michael Jordan uses the floater over this walking skyscraper coverage! Smart!
Break time. Michael Jordan bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know Michael Jordan knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Phoenix No-Defense's colors. By accident, obviously. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Michael Jordan with the dagger pull-up jumper! This franchise cornerstone buries the opposition!
Michael Jordan rejects the layup! A perfect contest by this absolute unit! Get that out!
Magic Johnson steps back in front of the home faithful! A roaring arena! Beautiful!
LeBron James tips in the rebound for a sky hook! All hustle, all heart!
Napoleon owns the night! Owner of the gymnasium and the war front alike!
Napoleon, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
109-86 (W)
LeBron James, this big fella, announced to huge cheers! A Playoff atmosphere!
A step-back three from Michael Jordan on the low block! That's a certified bucket-getter!
Napoleon, this pint-sized baller, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by unreal swagger!
LeBron James with the bounce pass! This household name threading it perfectly!
LeBron James, this guy with rings on every finger, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Halftime! Napoleon looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Rumor has it Napoleon has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
A floater from George Washington driving to the hoop! That's a statement right there!
Napoleon feeds off a packed arena! The energy of a military leader fueled by the war front!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, boxes out for the teammate! This guy with rings on every finger doing the dirty work!
A narrative for the ages: Napoleon, the military leader who mastered the battle standard and the orange!
Magic Johnson, this mammoth, takes the final bow! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Dominant display!
Magic Johnson rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Napoleon does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
102-94 (W)
This generational talent LeBron James comes out firing! A catch-and-shoot triple in the first minute!
George Washington floats one at the buzzer! Delicate as a farmer with the seed dibber!
Magic Johnson slides to the passing lane and steals it! A killer instinct!
Michael Jordan with the incredible court vision! This potential GOAT sees passes nobody else does!
Magic Johnson spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Halftime whistle! Michael Jordan grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Fun fact: Michael Jordan tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
This franchise cornerstone George Washington does it again! A buzzer beater with effortless precision!
Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, feeds off every decibel! A hostile crowd is fuel!
Magic Johnson brings energy off the bench! This potential GOAT infectious enthusiasm!
Tonight, George Washington isn't just a farmer, they're a phenomenon with the seed dibber!
Michael Jordan, this hall-of-fame lock, high-fives the bench! A raised fist! Team effort!
Michael Jordan and Napoleon share a 30-second hug. Magic Johnson wants in. Gets pushed away. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
116-99 (W)
Magic Johnson looks dialed in from the start! Silky smooth technique preparation showing!
Napoleon puts it through! The reliability of a military leader with the war front!
George Washington, this absolute legend, walls up at half court! Impenetrable defense!
Michael Jordan picks apart the defense! Assist leads to a finger roll!
This living legend Michael Jordan calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Break. Napoleon collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Fun fact: Napoleon failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Michael Jordan, this giant, elevates for a monster hook shot!
Deafening noise! LeBron James spins and the building shakes!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
LeBron James goes to work with elegance and power! This franchise cornerstone is the complete package!
Napoleon is named player of the game! The military leader is also the star!
Napoleon and George Washington share a 30-second hug. Magic Johnson wants in. Gets pushed away. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Magic Johnson. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
126-97 (W)
George Washington announces themselves! The farmer has arrived and the building knows it!
Magic Johnson with an incredible free throw back to the basket! Standing ovation!
This guy with rings on every finger Magic Johnson takes the charge along the baseline! Gutsy play!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, hits the cutter perfectly! Unreal swagger right on time!
This first-ballot legend Magic Johnson adjusts the angle mid-drive! Insane court vision body control!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Michael Jordan picks up the pace. Fun fact: Michael Jordan tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Michael Jordan, this giant, showcases scary good handles with a gorgeous layup!
This living legend Magic Johnson turns the hostile crowd into stunned silence!
Michael Jordan finds the open teammate! This absolute legend making everyone better!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Magic Johnson proves the critics wrong! A moment of truth vindication!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan secures the win with silky smooth technique! Another one in the bag!
Michael Jordan performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Magic Johnson imitates it. It's worse. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Magic Johnson. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
122-86 (W)
Tip-off! Michael Jordan gets us started! Let's go!
George Washington scores from the elbow! Perfect angle, the farmer knows geometry!
This global icon LeBron James creates for others! Unselfish play with an unmatched feel for the game!
The technical flair of George Washington recalls their farmer days. A devastating dunk! Sublime!
Napoleon pokes it away! Quick fingers from rallying the war front!
The players disappear. Napoleon has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Little secret: Napoleon listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Break's over, the players take their positions.
George Washington scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a farmer!
This first-ballot legend Magic Johnson adds another! This is a demolition job!
This household name Michael Jordan runs the wrong play again! Coach is beside themselves!
George Washington, this basketball god, cups the ear to the crowd! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! They want more!
Magic Johnson walks off the field house victorious! This global icon owns this moment!
Michael Jordan and LeBron James act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
122-86 (W)
Magic Johnson takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, takes over off the pick and roll. A hook shot! That's elite!
Magic Johnson, this beanpole, delivers the entry pass! Beautiful feed into the post!
LeBron James answers back with a two-handed slam! Pure God-given talent under pressure!
Napoleon, this basketball god, clamps down on the star player! Unreal swagger on the assignment!
Halftime. The doctor examines George Washington's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know? George Washington launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
LeBron James, this basketball god, drops a fadeaway jumper back to the basket! Pure artistry!
George Washington coasts to victory! Easy work for this farmer tonight!
Napoleon asked for the battle standard during a free throw! That's cheating!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan holds the follow-through! A raised fist after a euro-step!
LeBron James lets fly in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Magic Johnson improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Michael Jordan plays the imaginary violin. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
103-90 (W)
Magic Johnson fires away into position! This generational talent not wasting any time!
Napoleon racks up a half-court heave! Productive night for this military leader!
George Washington channels all their farmer intensity into a double team!
Michael Jordan with the no-look pass! This undisputed superstar has eyes in the back of the head!
Napoleon, this living legend, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a buzzer beater!
Break. George Washington collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: George Washington got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
George Washington handles the ball like the seed dibber. A buzzer beater from mid-range! The precision of a farmer!
Napoleon, this global icon, plays to the crowd! An electric crowd is contagious!
This undisputed superstar Magic Johnson claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this undisputed superstar!
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, is playing with nothing to lose! Watch out, this undisputed superstar is dangerous!
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
LeBron James grabs Michael Jordan and hoists him onto his shoulders. Magic Johnson tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
105-89 (W)
Napoleon checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
This generational talent LeBron James with a picture-perfect free throw! The crowd goes wild!
Michael Jordan deflects the pass and starts the break! This absolute legend defense to offense!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
George Washington goes to the post! That farmer strength is showing!
First half is done. Napoleon is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: Napoleon got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Michael Jordan with the highlight-reel pull-up jumper! This potential GOAT owning the moment!
The crowd is on its feet! Palpable tension as Michael Jordan takes the court!
LeBron James, this titan, anchors the second unit! This global icon versatile contributor!
The arc of this game bends toward LeBron James! This potential GOAT controlling destiny!
This generational talent Magic Johnson wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Michael Jordan takes a bow for the crowd. Napoleon bows to Michael Jordan. The nobility of basketball. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
81-114 (L)
Game time! Magic Johnson and this once-in-a-lifetime player ready to put on a show at the field house!
This certified GOAT candidate Napoleon rattles it out! So close yet so far driving to the hoop!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Magic Johnson forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This household name Magic Johnson can't recover! Scored on back to the basket! Ego the size of Texas!
This living legend Michael Jordan stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Well-deserved break. Magic Johnson looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Rumor has it Magic Johnson does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Napoleon, this basketball god, with the shot-clock heave! No good off the pick and roll!
George Washington is gassed! This potential GOAT bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan commits the offensive foul! Turnover from the left corner!
George Washington storms to the bench! Heated! This farmer doesn't handle losing well!
Despite the loss, George Washington held their own with the stubborn soil! The farmer fought!
LeBron James avoids the cameras like the plague. Michael Jordan gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-108 (L)
Magic Johnson, this tree of a man, takes the court! The Finals-like atmosphere is electric!
Magic Johnson blows past but overcooks it! Occasional mental lapses showing up again!
Magic Johnson fires away the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this potential GOAT!
This absolute legend Napoleon fouls reaching in! Hot head on defense!
George Washington scores on the putback! Recycling the stubborn soil is second nature for a farmer!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Napoleon to massage his thighs. Did you know Napoleon knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Magic Johnson can't mask the disappointment! This certified GOAT candidate wearing it on the sleeve!
Magic Johnson, this mammoth, bobbles the orange and the chance evaporates from the left corner!
Magic Johnson reads the defense perfectly! An off-the-charts basketball IQ and a sky-high basketball IQ!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Magic Johnson has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Napoleon walks off in defeat! Even a military leader's skills couldn't save tonight!
Michael Jordan's eyes are glassy. LeBron James mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Idk ends the season #4 with a 12W-3L record. Season MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... Idk!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Michael Jordan. Standing at 198 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Napoleon, his brother-in-law and a military leader by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying battle standard and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Napoleon can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for war front to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
Idk ends the season #4 with a 12W-3L record. Season MVP: Michael Jordan.
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