My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Shaquille O'Neal. The man. The beast. Standing at 216 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Jason Voorhees. Profession? Computer scientist. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Money-wise, this is solid. Not the penthouse but a nice apartment with a view of the playoffs. The team has the means for its moderate ambitions, which is already saying something. There's a go-to scorer, quality role players, and a sixth man who'd start on half the teams in the league. The owner keeps his hand on the wallet but knows when to open it. The danger? Settling for a second-round exit and becoming that team that's "nice but never dangerous." Tonight, they want to prove otherwise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-133 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute unit, is introduced and the arena explodes! This absolute legend is in the building!
Captain America crosses over but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Shaquille O'Neal coughs up the damn ball! Injury-prone body strikes again at the top of the key!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, fouls unnecessarily in the paint! Ego the size of Texas!
This dark horse Myles Garrett can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Both teams head to the locker room. Captain America wipes his forehead with his jersey. Little scoop: Captain America collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Myles Garrett, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the separation but can't finish! Limited stamina!
Shaquille O'Neal rises up but the legs won't cooperate! Lack of consistency catching up!
Kobe Bryant drives into a trap! Lack of consistency when reading the defense!
This guy nobody was talking about Myles Garrett throws an elbow in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Kobe Bryant rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Myles Garrett picks up his own and folds it carefully. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
110-102 (W)
Captain America sets the tone early! The military personnel came to play tonight!
Myles Garrett, this swiss-army-knife type, dominates from the right corner and puts up a catch-and-shoot triple! Unstoppable!
Kobe Bryant rotates perfectly for the sky-high block! An off-the-charts basketball IQ on full display!
Shaquille O'Neal goes to work the basketball through traffic! What a pass by this franchise cornerstone!
Kobe Bryant identifies the soft spot in the zone! This once-in-a-lifetime player surgical precision!
Halftime! Shaquille O'Neal walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Little secret: Shaquille O'Neal listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Myles Garrett, this versatile guy, uses every inch to deliver a reverse layup!
Jason Voorhees, this do-it-all player, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
Captain America holds the huddle together! That military personnel leadership on full display!
Myles Garrett, this rising star, is playing with nothing to lose! Watch out, this rising star is dangerous!
Myles Garrett can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Jason Voorhees and Kobe Bryant share a 30-second hug. Myles Garrett wants in. Gets pushed away. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
107-112 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal looks dialed in from the start! Insane court vision preparation showing!
This certified bucket Captain America does it again! A buzzer beater with effortless precision!
Captain America loses the screen battle! Defense that's basically a suggestion around the picks!
Kobe Bryant forces an and-one from mid-range! This guy with rings on every finger trying too hard!
Kobe Bryant, this first-ballot legend, completes the improbable rally! Incredible!
Back in the locker room, Captain America sits down and stares at the ceiling. Rumor has it Captain America talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Captain America sends the free throw long! Overcooked it, the military personnel touch is off tonight!
Captain America picks up the second technical! This multi-time All-Star ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!
Captain America treats every possession like defending the frontline, with care and precision!
Kobe Bryant dishes and bricks it! Lack of consistency in the final quarter!
Kobe Bryant had the chances but couldn't convert. This generational talent left wanting.
Myles Garrett claps his hands in frustration. Kobe Bryant clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Kobe Bryant. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
115-92 (W)
Kobe Bryant, this mammoth, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
Kobe Bryant knocks down a finger roll at the buzzer! Ice in the veins!
Myles Garrett times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A monster swat in the paint!
Jason Voorhees blows past and dishes! Gorgeous feed off the pick and roll! Pure God-given talent!
This certified bucket Captain America runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Both teams head to the locker room. Captain America wipes his forehead with his jersey. Word is Captain America sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Kobe Bryant, this titan, rises above and hammers a tear drop!
Jason Voorhees bows to the fans! A computer scientist bowing after the game masterpiece!
Jason Voorhees dives for the loose ball! Full send from this computer scientist!
Captain America told reporters: 'being a military personnel and playing here, same fire!'
Captain America puts a bow on it! Clean finish, just like a military personnel wrapping up the job!
Captain America does a cartwheel at center court. Kobe Bryant tries one too and eats it. I learned that Captain America's father was a military personnel. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
94-97 (L)
Captain America wins the opening tip! Tipping off with military personnel energy!
Jason Voorhees with the step-back and-one! Creating space like a computer scientist with their bare hands!
Jason Voorhees gets crossed over! This well-respected player left frozen from the right corner!
Captain America can't finish! The military personnel who finishes the frontline can't finish the play!
Shaquille O'Neal, this potential GOAT, with the gutsy play! Clawing back one possession at a time!
Break! Myles Garrett grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Exclusive info: Myles Garrett is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. We're back! The players look fired up.
Jason Voorhees bricks it when it matters! Their bare hands accuracy went home early!
Jason Voorhees slams the leather in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
A standing ovation for Captain America! The military personnel who conquered the arena with their service rifle!
Kobe Bryant misses the wide-open look with seconds left on the clock! This guy with rings on every finger will regret that!
Captain America fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the military personnel gave everything!
Myles Garrett chews his nails on the bench. Shaquille O'Neal stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I learned tonight that Myles Garrett used to be a military personnel. That explains the unique running style. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
95-115 (L)
Myles Garrett, this player nobody saw coming, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jason Voorhees denied by the basket! Even a computer scientist can't pry it open!
Captain America loses the damn ball! A military personnel would never be this careless!
Jason Voorhees overcommits! Going all-in like a computer scientist on the game, but wrong!
Myles Garrett strings together an off-balance shot from the left corner. An unmatched feel for the game on full display!
The players disappear. Shaquille O'Neal has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Rumor has it Shaquille O'Neal does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Shaquille O'Neal crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This living legend losing composure!
Kobe Bryant, this beanpole, gets the look back to the basket but the lid's on the rim!
Myles Garrett, this do-it-all player, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
This global icon Kobe Bryant can barely jump! The springs are gone off the pick and roll!
Kobe Bryant steps back to the tunnel in disappointment. This hall-of-fame lock will learn from this.
Myles Garrett takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Jason Voorhees follows the same path. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
96-113 (L)
This hooper's hooper Jason Voorhees comes out aggressive! Opens with a bucket at half court!
Captain America forces up a pull-up jumper over the defense! Hot head! Bad decision!
Shaquille O'Neal with the backcourt violation! This undisputed superstar under too much pressure!
Myles Garrett lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this player nobody saw coming fooled!
This potential breakout star Myles Garrett erupts for a pull-up jumper! The floodgates are open!
Well-deserved break. Myles Garrett looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Bus driver's confession: Myles Garrett raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
This potential GOAT Kobe Bryant slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
A free throw from Captain America goes in and out! Heartbreaking at the buzzer!
Jason Voorhees reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this computer scientist!
Captain America misses from fatigue! This elite player can't get the elevation in the paint!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this basketball god wanted.
Kobe Bryant refuses Toronto Border-Patrol's handshake. Jason Voorhees offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
109-89 (W)
Game time! Shaquille O'Neal and this generational talent ready to put on a show at the hardwood!
Myles Garrett scores at half court! A buzzer beater with nerves of steel! Brilliant!
Shaquille O'Neal, this beanpole, covers ground to get the crucial offensive board! Wow!
Kobe Bryant, this giant, finds the trailer! A bucket off the assist, easy money!
Myles Garrett, this player nobody saw coming, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Rest time. Shaquille O'Neal isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jason Voorhees drills it at the buzzer! That computer scientist precision with their bare hands pays off!
The road crowd tries to rally but Shaquille O'Neal silences them! Immense pressure!
Myles Garrett, this versatile guy, anchors the second unit! This raw talent versatile contributor!
Jason Voorhees, the computer scientist from the day shift, is writing their story on the temple of basketball tonight!
Captain America salutes the fans! A military personnel's farewell until the next frontline!
Kobe Bryant points both hands at the sky. Captain America points at Kobe Bryant. Jason Voorhees points at the exit. I got a text from Kobe Bryant after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
99-110 (L)
Tip-off! Kobe Bryant gets us started! Let's go!
Jason Voorhees sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Myles Garrett, this combo guard, gets called for the carry! Defense that's basically a suggestion in ball-handling!
Kobe Bryant gambles for the steal and pays the price! Heavy feet!
A tear drop from Kobe Bryant! This basketball god reminding everyone why they're on top!
Finally a breather. Myles Garrett has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Confession: Myles Garrett calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Captain America looks to the heavens! A military personnel praying for their service rifle to work!
Myles Garrett lets fly but it's well off! Hot head under fatigue!
Captain America directs traffic on the floor! Traffic control by a military personnel with the frontline!
Myles Garrett asks for the ball to slow the pace! This total unknown needs air!
This dark horse Myles Garrett shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Kobe Bryant bites the inside of his cheek. Captain America pinches the bridge of his nose. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
121-103 (W)
Jason Voorhees locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a computer scientist who means business!
Myles Garrett, this versatile guy, elevates for a monster thunderous slam!
Captain America walls up in the baseline! Immovable as their service rifle bolted down!
This first-ballot legend Kobe Bryant zips the pass through! Another dime from this big fella!
Shaquille O'Neal sets the screen at the perfect angle! This basketball god cerebral play!
The players head to the locker room. Jason Voorhees is sweating like a racehorse. Little secret: Jason Voorhees watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Kobe Bryant, this household name, operates in the paint with a hook shot! Clinic!
Wild stands as Jason Voorhees checks in for the second quarter! The computer scientist returns!
Jason Voorhees trusts the system! Trust of a computer scientist trusting their bare hands!
Myles Garrett launches with purpose! Nerves of steel driving this team forward!
Captain America penetrates off the court victorious! This reliable star leaves it all out there!
Jason Voorhees moonwalks across the hardwood. Myles Garrett attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
105-103 (W)
This solid pro Jason Voorhees gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Jason Voorhees boxes out! Making space, that's the computer scientist work ethic!
Shaquille O'Neal fires a step-back three back to the basket but can't connect! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
This all-time great Shaquille O'Neal with a picture-perfect pull-up jumper! The crowd goes wild!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kobe Bryant uses the floater over this giant coverage! Smart!
Halftime. Shaquille O'Neal is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Shaquille O'Neal is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Myles Garrett delivers in the clutch! A step-back three in the paint! This newcomer is ice cold!
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal forces the bad pass! Ridiculous creativity creating turnovers!
Post-game fireworks for Captain America! Brighter than their service rifle on a perfect day!
Jason Voorhees, this well-respected player, with the cold-blooded pull-up jumper on the low block!
Final buzzer! Jason Voorhees's computer scientist shift on the arena ends in triumph!
Jason Voorhees points both hands at the sky. Myles Garrett points at Jason Voorhees. Kobe Bryant points at the exit. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-109 (L)
Jason Voorhees announces themselves! The computer scientist has arrived and the building knows it!
Captain America clanks another one off the rim! This franchise guy needs to find rhythm!
This player on the come-up Jason Voorhees gets pickpocketed from way beyond the arc! Sloppy handling!
Kobe Bryant reacts too late to rotate! Hot head on the help side!
Myles Garrett with the tough thunderous slam through contact! This guy nobody was talking about won't be denied!
Break. Shaquille O'Neal collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Juicy intel: Shaquille O'Neal turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Captain America shakes their head! A military personnel who can't believe that just happened!
Shaquille O'Neal, this 7-footer, bobbles the rock and the chance evaporates driving to the hoop!
Captain America overloads one side! Loading up with military personnel strategy!
Captain America, this combo guard, looks exhausted from mid-range! The legs are gone!
Jason Voorhees walks off in defeat! Even a computer scientist's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jason Voorhees sits on the floor in the hallway. Captain America sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
95-127 (L)
This all-time great Kobe Bryant catches the damn ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Kobe Bryant air-mails a scoop layup off the pick and roll! Way off for this certified GOAT candidate!
This legit talent Jason Voorhees with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Shaquille O'Neal, this walking skyscraper, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over limited stamina!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, uses strength and skill for a devastating dunk! Complete player!
The players file out. Kobe Bryant exchanges a tense look with the coach. Did you know? Kobe Bryant has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Shaquille O'Neal drives angrily after the turnover! This hall-of-fame lock spiraling!
Captain America can't score in the first half! This military personnel is way off tonight!
Jason Voorhees uses that computer scientist IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Kobe Bryant grabs the shorts! This potential GOAT is running on fumes!
This household name Kobe Bryant leaves the temple of basketball with head held high. Fought to the end.
Captain America taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Myles Garrett walks through the door without pushing it. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Captain America's name. Forgive me. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
94-128 (L)
Myles Garrett fires up the crowd to open the game! This player nobody saw coming starting strong!
Captain America just barely misses! Close as a military personnel getting the frontline almost right!
Jason Voorhees, this versatile guy, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the leather!
Captain America gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the frontline on a rough day!
Captain America walks away muttering! Muttering about the frontline under their breath!
First half is done. Myles Garrett is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: Myles Garrett was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
That one wasn't even close, Jason Voorhees! Stick to competing the game!
Captain America soldiers on! The soldier who defends the frontline with their service rifle!
Sloppy handling by Captain America! Defending the frontline is done with more finesse!
Jason Voorhees glares at the Spalding! Like it personally betrayed this computer scientist!
Shaquille O'Neal walks off in silence. This living legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Captain America walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Kobe Bryant speeds up. Wants it to be over. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-115 (L)
The game begins and Kobe Bryant is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
Captain America can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this All-Star caliber talent!
Captain America trips up in the left wing! A military personnel never trips at work... Right?
Jason Voorhees gets posterized! A computer scientist framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Captain America sinks it from the low block. A military personnel never misses the frontline, and never misses the hoop!
Time to breathe. Shaquille O'Neal has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Exclusive: Shaquille O'Neal was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Myles Garrett, this hidden prospect, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
Kobe Bryant misfires under the basket! Even this hall-of-fame lock has off nights!
Jason Voorhees spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
This hidden prospect Myles Garrett can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Myles Garrett sits alone on the bench. This potential breakout star processing the defeat.
Myles Garrett walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Captain America drags one foot after the other. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
My Team finishes #12 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Shaquille O'Neal. The man. The beast. Standing at 216 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Jason Voorhees. Profession? Computer scientist. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn.
Money-wise, this is solid. Not the penthouse but a nice apartment with a view of the playoffs. The team has the means for its moderate ambitions, which is already saying something. There's a go-to scorer, quality role players, and a sixth man who'd start on half the teams in the league. The owner keeps his hand on the wallet but knows when to open it. The danger? Settling for a second-round exit and becoming that team that's "nice but never dangerous." Tonight, they want to prove otherwise.
My Team finishes #12 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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