My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | My Team | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. The chef's surprise of the evening is Juice Wrld. A rapper by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the fiery bars with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Financially, this team is operating in another dimension. The salary cap? Never heard of it. The luxury tax? Paid with a smile. The owner sold two of his yachts to fund this roster and he'd do it again tomorrow morning. Every player on this bench earns more in a week than most people do in a year, and not a single one of them is here to ride the pine. This is a team built to win NOW. Not tomorrow, not next season. Tonight.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
94-123 (L)
Juice Wrld, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
LeBron James with a wild attempt! This certified GOAT candidate not finding the range tonight!
Iron Man throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the superhero got too confident!
Stephen Curry gets posted up and scored on! This jersey-selling name overpowered!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, elevates for a monster floater!
Break! Kobe Bryant grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Little scoop: Kobe Bryant collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Iron Man stares in disbelief! The look of a superhero who just lost everything!
Juice Wrld misfires at the top of the key! This dude putting the league on notice searching for answers!
Iron Man spaces the floor! Making room out there like a superhero clears the workspace!
Stephen Curry dribbles but can't sustain the effort! Heavy feet emptying the tank!
Iron Man reflects on what could have been. Tendency to rush the difference tonight.
LeBron James sits on the floor in the hallway. Juice Wrld sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
110-95 (W)
LeBron James opens with a bucket! This living legend making an early statement!
Juice Wrld hits from downtown! Precision worthy of their hot mic from the low block!
Kobe Bryant anticipates the cut and deflects the damn ball! This generational talent reading minds!
Stephen Curry with the incredible court vision! This bonafide star sees passes nobody else does!
Juice Wrld takes off with purpose every possession! This next-level player chess master!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Stephen Curry to massage his thighs. Rumor has it Stephen Curry has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Stephen Curry crosses over the leather beautifully for a free throw! What touch!
This certified bucket Stephen Curry silences the hostile crowd! A crowd fully behind them shifts!
Iron Man sets the perfect screen! Built like a superhero who doesn't skip leg day!
The legend of Juice Wrld grows! This respected competitor adding another chapter from way beyond the arc!
Iron Man soaks it in! Soaking up the moment, a superhero savoring glory!
Iron Man and LeBron James slap each other's butts. Juice Wrld declines the invitation. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
96-113 (L)
Tip-off! LeBron James gets us started! Let's go!
Iron Man can't buy a bucket! Maybe the game would be easier to aim!
This next-level player Juice Wrld commits the offensive foul! Turnover off the pick and roll!
Juice Wrld gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a rapper's worst day on the job!
This dude putting the league on notice Juice Wrld capitalizes from the right corner! A scoop layup with next-level basketball IQ!
Rest. Stephen Curry buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Stephen Curry tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
This hall-of-fame lock Kobe Bryant can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
LeBron James, this mammoth, gets the look off the pick and roll but the lid's on the rim!
This global icon Iron Man calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Kobe Bryant sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Stephen Curry has his head in his hands. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
101-95 (W)
Kobe Bryant fades away with energy from the opening whistle! This basketball god locked in!
Iron Man knocks down a buzzer beater in the paint! Ice in the veins!
Iron Man wins the rebound battle! Snatched it like a superhero on the clock!
Kobe Bryant, this mammoth, hits the cutter perfectly! Nerves of steel right on time!
Iron Man uses that superhero IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Break. Juice Wrld's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Small detail: Juice Wrld whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Iron Man buries it! Competing the game all week, burying shots all weekend!
Social media explodes with Iron Man's their bare hands highlights! Viral superhero content!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry motivates the squad in the huddle! Natural leader!
Kobe Bryant pulls up like a player possessed! Scary good handles unleashed!
Kobe Bryant daps up the opponent! Respect from this living legend after the battle!
Stephen Curry makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Kobe Bryant makes a bigger heart. LeBron James makes a massive heart. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
122-91 (W)
This absolute legend LeBron James comes out firing! A thunderous slam in the first minute!
Kobe Bryant, this mountain of a man, showcases scary good handles with a gorgeous catch-and-shoot triple!
Kobe Bryant draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
Iron Man picks apart the defense! Dissecting every move with superhero precision!
Kobe Bryant, this absolute unit, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Back to the locker room. Stephen Curry punches his locker. Anecdote: Stephen Curry slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, glides at the top of the key for a silky half-court heave!
The building is buzzing! Kobe Bryant and a sold-out gym on fire creating magic!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry dives for the loose ball! Freakish explosiveness on every play!
The legend grows! Iron Man, the superhero with their bare hands, rewrites history at the court!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, acknowledges the fans! An electric crowd! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd!
Stephen Curry does a belly slide on the court. Kobe Bryant does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
117-90 (W)
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant comes out aggressive! Opens with a buzzer-beater from the left corner!
Stephen Curry takes off and it's an and-one! This headliner proving the doubters wrong!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, clamps down in the clutch! Elite a charge taken!
This name that's buzzing Juice Wrld with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
Iron Man, this lightning-quick little man, exploits the mismatch back to the basket! Smart play!
Halftime. Iron Man glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know Iron Man once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
This potential GOAT Kobe Bryant is automatic on the low block! A bucket drops again!
Juice Wrld soaks in an incredible energy! This well-respected player living for these moments!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James unites the locker room! An off-the-charts basketball IQ captain's mentality!
The transformation of Stephen Curry is complete! This jersey-selling name has arrived!
Iron Man punches the air at game's end! Victory! The superhero did it!
Juice Wrld grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts LeBron James's name. The announcer chases him. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
111-110 (W)
Juice Wrld begins their shift on the court! A rapper starting the their hot mic shift!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, switches seamlessly and locks up! Next-level basketball IQ shining through!
That one wasn't even close, Iron Man! Stick to competing the game!
Juice Wrld racks up a sky hook! Productive night for this rapper!
Juice Wrld makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a rapper behind the fiery bars!
First half is done. Iron Man is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know Iron Man knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Toronto Border-Patrol's colors. By accident, obviously. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
LeBron James explodes past the defender! A half-court heave in the clutch! Incredible!
Juice Wrld contests every shot! Relentless as a rapper with the fiery bars!
The energy in this building is unreal! Juice Wrld channeling a crowd fully behind them!
Iron Man nails a half-court heave with the shot clock winding down! Clutch!
Juice Wrld daps up the opposition! Class act, on and off the court!
Iron Man moonwalks across the hardwood. Stephen Curry attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
104-98 (W)
This potential GOAT LeBron James in the starting lineup! Let's see what this potential GOAT brings!
Kobe Bryant blows past and converts! An and-one at the top of the key! Money!
Kobe Bryant, this basketball god, bodied up and forced the turnover! Physical defense!
Iron Man connects on the outlet! Long-range passing like their bare hands at distance!
Iron Man zones up! Defensive zone like a superhero's the game zone!
Off to the locker room. Kobe Bryant has already drained two water bottles. Physio's confession: Kobe Bryant purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
What a play by Stephen Curry! A finger roll at the top of the key! This top-tier talent is cooking!
Kobe Bryant, this beanpole, gets the standing ovation! A Finals-like atmosphere!
Juice Wrld runs the play to perfection! Perfection of spitting the fiery bars!
Iron Man wears the superhero badge with pride and plays with their bare hands intensity!
Juice Wrld waves goodbye to the temple of basketball! See you next time, from their hot mic to the pill!
LeBron James jumps into Kobe Bryant's arms without warning. They both go down. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
101-96 (W)
Juice Wrld starts in the elite shooter! Playing the elite shooter the way a rapper plays with their hot mic!
LeBron James, this basketball god, drops a pull-up jumper at the buzzer! Pure artistry!
LeBron James, this living legend, pokes the Spalding free! Scramble at half court!
Iron Man reads the defense like a book! Assist back to the basket! Eyes in the back of the head!
Iron Man dribbles to the weak side! This undisputed superstar exploiting the rotation!
Halftime! Kobe Bryant checks his stats on the board and winces. Little secret: Kobe Bryant watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Juice Wrld scores at will! A reverse layup from downtown! This legit talent domination!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as LeBron James gets hot!
This living legend Iron Man runs the basketball patiently! Searching for the perfect shot!
Every superhero in the crowd sees themselves in Iron Man's battle with the Spalding!
This potential GOAT LeBron James walks off to a standing ovation! A Playoff atmosphere! Incredible!
Juice Wrld runs the full court high-fiving everyone. LeBron James follows doing the wave alone. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
100-121 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Kobe Bryant dunks the orange but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Iron Man, this little guy, steps out of bounds with the rock! Mental lapse!
This first-ballot legend Iron Man fouls reaching in! Hot head on defense!
LeBron James pulls up and drills a sky hook! Can't teach that!
Players head to the locker room. Kobe Bryant has tape on three fingers. Word is Kobe Bryant sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Juice Wrld drops the head after another miss! Sometimes predictable game sapping the confidence!
Juice Wrld, this well-respected player, fumbles the finish from downtown! Back to the drawing board!
Juice Wrld finds the angle! The angle rapper uses for the fiery bars!
Iron Man is running on pure willpower! This undisputed superstar refusing to quit!
LeBron James launches past the media. This guy with rings on every finger not in the mood to talk.
Iron Man hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Juice Wrld keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Juice Wrld. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
112-96 (W)
Juice Wrld stretches center court! Loosening up, the rapper is getting ready!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kobe Bryant goes to work along the baseline! A scoop layup drops beautifully!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant holds ground from way beyond the arc! Immovable object!
Iron Man finds the cutter! Eyes everywhere, classic superhero awareness!
Iron Man uses the hesitation dribble! Ridiculous creativity creating separation!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Curry high-fives his teammates on the way out. I've been told Stephen Curry always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
LeBron James, this generational talent, operates in transition with a pull-up jumper! Clinic!
This dude putting the league on notice Juice Wrld draws the MVP chants! The crowd is on their feet for the star!
Kobe Bryant, this first-ballot legend, rotates on defense! Nerves of steel team commitment!
Juice Wrld, this versatile guy, sets the tone with scary good handles! Leader!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, salutes the faithful! A bench mob celebration! What a night!
Stephen Curry and Kobe Bryant stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
103-107 (L)
Juice Wrld takes the court to an electric crowd! The rapper with their hot mic is here!
Iron Man drills it from the left corner! That superhero precision with their bare hands pays off!
Juice Wrld loses the screen battle! Heavy feet around the picks!
Iron Man, this lightning-quick little man, bobbles the damn ball and the chance evaporates at half court!
Juice Wrld, this all-around player, with the crucial charge taken! Comeback building!
Halftime whistle! Iron Man grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Iron Man knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Cleveland Twin-Towers's colors. By accident, obviously. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James misses the free throws! Injury-prone body at the line!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
LeBron James is writing the story tonight! This first-ballot legend with a pull-up jumper at half court!
Stephen Curry throws it away with the game on the line! Hot head!
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant leaves the gym with head held high. Fought to the end.
LeBron James's eyes are red, jaw tight. Kobe Bryant apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
92-117 (L)
Kobe Bryant fires away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this certified GOAT candidate!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James misfires again! Occasional mental lapses could cost the team!
Kobe Bryant, this colossus, fumbles the entry pass in transition!
Kobe Bryant turns the head and loses the man! This guy with rings on every finger napping defensively!
LeBron James steps back past everyone for a buzzer beater! This colossus on a mission!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Rumor has it LeBron James has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
This undisputed superstar LeBron James hangs the head after the miss! Deflated driving to the hoop!
Stephen Curry, this All-Star caliber talent, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Iron Man, this pocket rocket, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! That dawg mentality!
Iron Man is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Juice Wrld leaves the gymnasium with dignity! The dignity of a rapper with their hot mic!
Iron Man sits on the bench, staring into nothing. LeBron James has his head in his hands. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
94-130 (L)
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Stephen Curry, this world-class player, comes up empty! A deep three off target from the right corner!
Kobe Bryant, this tree of a man, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
Stephen Curry gambles for the steal and pays the price! Ego the size of Texas!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Both teams head in. Juice Wrld has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Anecdote: Juice Wrld once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Break's over, the players take their positions.
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry whiffs on a deep three! The crowd groans!
This generational talent Kobe Bryant has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, gets the ball poked away! Lack of consistency when protecting the Spalding!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Kobe Bryant walks off in silence. This generational talent gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Stephen Curry sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Kobe Bryant has his head in his hands. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
110-101 (W)
And we're underway! Iron Man touches the ball first! This absolute legend looks eager!
Kobe Bryant buries a buzzer-beater along the baseline! This franchise cornerstone is on fire tonight!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James with a critical stop! A brilliant anticipation when it counts!
LeBron James with the hockey assist! That extra pass, beautiful basketball!
Stephen Curry pushes the pace in transition! Scary good handles showing in every play!
Halftime whistle! Kobe Bryant grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Anecdote of the day: Kobe Bryant forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Iron Man with the highlight-reel reverse layup! This living legend owning the moment!
Immense pressure as LeBron James, this beanpole, is introduced! Goosebumps!
LeBron James sprints back on defense! This global icon leading by example!
LeBron James, this colossus, stands tall when the team needs this guy with rings on every finger most!
Kobe Bryant shoots into the tunnel with the W! This global icon all smiles!
Stephen Curry and Kobe Bryant chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
My Team ends the season #7 with a 9W-6L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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