My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Houston Blast-Off | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Wally West. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Goku, his brother-in-law and a farmer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying seed dibber and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Goku can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for stubborn soil to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-122 (L)
This unknown gem Wally West in the starting lineup! Let's see what this unknown gem brings!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the look from the right corner but the lid's on the rim!
This all-time great Jesus Christ dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Superman caught flat-footed! Standing still, the superhero reflexes took a nap!
Superman pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The superhero in them is showing!
Into the tunnel. Superman grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Exclusive info: Superman is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
This hall-of-fame lock Superman misfires again! Heavy feet could cost the team!
Galactus penetrates but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to rush catching up!
Superman dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the superhero's finest moment!
Jesus Christ stares in disbelief! The look of a messiah who just lost everything!
Galactus, this all-around player, trudges off the arena. Lessons to take from this one.
Jesus Christ pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Galactus takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-133 (L)
Tip-off! Galactus gets us started! Let's go!
Jesus Christ misfires on the low block! Even this undisputed superstar has off nights!
Superman loses possession! The game never leaves a superhero's hands like that!
Goku beaten to the spot! Slower than a farmer on a Monday morning!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ fouls hard out of frustration! Lack of consistency showing!
Halftime. Jesus Christ glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. True story: Jesus Christ walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Miami Heart-Attack. Awkward. We're back! The players look fired up.
This max-contract guy Goku with a rare miss under the basket! Even the best stumble!
Goku calls for the sub! Even a farmer's stamina with the seed dibber has limits!
Superman drives the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this franchise cornerstone!
Jesus Christ slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a messiah hits the workbench!
Superman takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad superhero day!
Goku turns back to look at the court one last time. Superman doesn't turn around. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
92-119 (L)
Wally West stretches center court! Loosening up, the superhero is getting ready!
Jesus Christ air-mails a pull-up jumper from way beyond the arc! Way off for this global icon!
Superman loses the Wilson! A superhero would never be this careless!
Jesus Christ overcommits! Going all-in like a messiah on the game, but wrong!
Goku goes baseline and scores! The stubborn soil prepared them for this moment!
Break. Galactus asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Rumor has it Galactus tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! Heated! This messiah doesn't handle losing well!
Galactus forces a bad pull-up jumper! This hidden prospect needs to trust teammates!
Wally West adjusts the matchup! Finding the right fit, the superhero approach!
Wally West short-arms the shot from fatigue! This diamond in the rough has nothing left!
Jesus Christ blows past to the tunnel in disappointment. This certified GOAT candidate will learn from this.
Goku watches the crowd file out in silence. Superman prefers not to look. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
81-126 (L)
Game time! Goku and this bonafide star ready to put on a show at the hardwood!
A buzzer-beater by Galactus off the pick and roll is way off! Tough night for this diamond in the rough!
Galactus explodes into a trap! Limited stamina when reading the defense!
Wally West, this versatile guy, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to rush exposed in the mismatch!
Goku picks up the second technical! This bonafide star ejected! Lack of consistency!
Back to the locker room. Galactus's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. I've been told Galactus once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Superman dribbles the Spalding right into the defender's hands! Tendency to rush!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Superman coughs it up! A superhero's grip doesn't work on the orange!
Galactus, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Goku leaves the den with dignity! The dignity of a farmer with the seed dibber!
Superman mutters while walking out. Jesus Christ watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
80-115 (L)
Wally West locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a superhero who means business!
Jesus Christ misses at the buzzer! A messiah who missed the deadline!
Superman gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a superhero's grip!
Wally West can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Superman can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the orange frustration!
Finally a breather. Goku has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know Goku plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Superman, this potential GOAT, comes up empty! A layup off target in the paint!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, looks exhausted at half court! The legs are gone!
Galactus with the lazy pass! Ego the size of Texas leading to easy points!
Goku, this reliable star, refuses to high-five! Limited stamina hurting the chemistry!
Superman had the chances but couldn't convert. This certified GOAT candidate left wanting.
Goku's eyes are red, jaw tight. Superman apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I learned that Goku's father was a farmer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
74-119 (L)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
Galactus spins the Wilson into nothing! Limited stamina on full display tonight!
Wally West with the backcourt violation! This guy nobody was talking about under too much pressure!
Jesus Christ gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to rush!
Jesus Christ buries their face! Hidden from view, the messiah can't watch!
Halftime! Galactus walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Anecdote: Galactus slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Jesus Christ can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Wally West misses the rotation! Too tired, like a superhero too tired for the game!
Turnover by Wally West! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Goku tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the farmer will bounce back!
Superman walks off in silence. This certified GOAT candidate gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Goku claps his hands in frustration. Wally West clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-134 (L)
Superman, this do-it-all player, takes the court! The boiling cauldron is electric!
Superman shoots the Wilson awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this absolute legend!
Galactus dribbles into a dead end from way beyond the arc! Turnover! Sometimes predictable game!
Superman gets crossed over! This once-in-a-lifetime player left frozen in the paint!
Galactus can't mask the disappointment! This raw talent wearing it on the sleeve!
Halftime whistle. Superman high-fives his teammates on the way out. They say Superman eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Jesus Christ can't finish! The messiah who finishes the game can't finish the play!
Goku soldiers on! The soldier who cultivates the stubborn soil with the seed dibber!
Wally West, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass from the left corner!
Goku drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a farmer's spirit has limits!
Wally West refuses to make excuses! A superhero owns the game failures too!
Goku lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Wally West decides not to comment. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Wally West. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
90-104 (L)
Galactus, this hidden prospect, embraces the sold-out gym on fire! Game on!
Wally West can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the Wilson differently than the game!
Superman spins carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Superman gets burned on the drive! Ego the size of Texas in lateral movement!
Jesus Christ takes off the basketball with ridiculous creativity. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
The players head to the locker room. Wally West is sweating like a racehorse. True story: Wally West walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Minnesota Ice-Wall. Awkward. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Superman fades away angrily after the turnover! This first-ballot legend spiraling!
Galactus fires a bank shot at the top of the key but can't connect! Hot head showing!
Jesus Christ with the perfect cut! Precision of a messiah with their bare hands!
This who-is-this-guy player Galactus calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Lack of consistency taking its toll!
Superman tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
Wally West stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Superman comes back to get him. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
84-125 (L)
This guy nobody was talking about Galactus comes out firing! A devastating dunk in the first minute!
Galactus, this versatile guy, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this newcomer!
This potential breakout star Galactus forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Wally West gets posterized! A superhero framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Galactus, this total unknown, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Rest. Wally West buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Anecdote: Wally West threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Goku shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a farmer would cringe!
Superman misses from fatigue! This undisputed superstar can't get the elevation back to the basket!
Stolen from Superman! A superhero who let it slip through their fingers!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Superman gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Superman vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Wally West refuses the coach's embrace. Goku accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight I learned Wally West used to be a farmer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-132 (L)
Goku bounces the rock pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Wally West throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
Superman commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
This global icon Jesus Christ bites on the fake! Beaten at the buzzer!
Wally West fires away the towel! This surprise package showing tendency to force bad shots!
Halftime whistle. Superman spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Rumor has it Superman has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Wally West, this dark horse, with a contested scoop layup that misses from mid-range!
Goku is gassed! More tired than after a full day of cultivating the stubborn soil!
Goku, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Heavy feet in the footwork!
This dude out of nowhere Galactus shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Wally West absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a superhero knows tough days!
Galactus closes his eyes walking out. Superman keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Evening confession: I'm wearing Galactus's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
80-124 (L)
Wally West lands the first finger roll! First blood! The superhero strikes first!
Goku misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim the seed dibber at the stubborn soil!
Superman botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Jesus Christ gives up the back door! Hot head when overplaying!
Jesus Christ mouths off at late in the quarter! A messiah venting about the game!
End of the second quarter. Superman is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Locker room intel: Superman has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Superman shanks it from the corner! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Jesus Christ tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a messiah's energy for the game!
This hungry young player Galactus gets pickpocketed from mid-range! Sloppy handling!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
Galactus, this solid build, hangs the head. Tough loss despite ridiculous creativity effort.
Goku clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Galactus fidgets with his wristband nervously. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
76-120 (L)
Galactus takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Jesus Christ just barely misses! Close as a messiah getting the game almost right!
Jesus Christ forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Galactus, this versatile guy, can't keep up with the speed! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
This all-time great Jesus Christ stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break! Superman rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Rumor has it Superman does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Galactus, this newcomer, pulls the trigger in transition but no luck!
Wally West gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from competing the game and hooping!
Superman with the errant pass! This first-ballot legend needs to settle down!
This player nobody saw coming Wally West can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Superman leaves the arena quietly! Quiet as a superhero after the game setback!
Galactus rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Superman picks up his own and folds it carefully. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-127 (L)
Galactus, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! A Finals-like atmosphere!
Wally West with a rough off-balance shot under the basket! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
Superman, this versatile guy, gets stripped off the pick and roll! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Wally West gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Goku, this big-name player, yells at the coaching staff! Ego the size of Texas causing friction!
Halftime. The doctor examines Goku's shoulder while the others catch their breath. They say Goku eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Wally West rises up the basketball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ stumbles! The fatigue is real after the allotted time!
Superman with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Jesus Christ throws their hands up! Like a messiah when their bare hands breaks!
Goku sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a farmer after the seed dibber broke!
Goku's complexion is grey. Wally West's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I learned backstage that Wally West also does farmer on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
90-134 (L)
Goku comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the farmer means business!
Wally West attacks but the shot rims out! Injury-prone body rears its ugly head!
Wally West turns it over in the three-point line! Butterfingers from this superhero!
Goku, this swiss-army-knife type, lets the shooter get free back to the basket! Costly lapse!
Wally West is visibly upset! Upset as a superhero when the game goes sideways!
Halftime whistle! Galactus slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Galactus tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Goku misses! Even a farmer can't fix that shot!
Wally West is clearly fatigued! The four quarters of this plus the four quarters of competing the game!
Goku, this versatile guy, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted facing the rim!
Jesus Christ pulls up and kicks the stanchion! This absolute legend losing composure!
Wally West fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the superhero gave everything!
Superman refuses the coach's embrace. Wally West accepts it but his body is stiff. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-124 (L)
Wally West, this unknown gem, draws first blood! A two-handed slam to start!
Superman rushes a free throw on the low block! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Jesus Christ dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a messiah like that!
Jesus Christ watches helplessly! A messiah watching the game fall off the shelf!
Jesus Christ kicks the air! The frustration of a messiah who knows they can do better!
That's a wrap for now. Galactus dives into the tunnel. Bus driver's confession: Galactus raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Wally West launches from deep and misses! A superhero's range doesn't apply here!
Superman gulps water! As thirsty as a superhero reaching for the game!
Jesus Christ double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Goku looks to the heavens! A farmer praying for the seed dibber to work!
This dude out of nowhere Galactus shakes hands and moves on. In the end, ego the size of Texas proved costly.
Wally West slams his fist on the bench. Goku places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Wally West.
Season journal
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