My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Friedrich Engels. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Cell. An amateur in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Cell has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-133 (L)
The game begins and Subaru Natsuki is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
Astolfo with a rough deep three from downtown! Occasional mental lapses at the worst time!
Friedrich Engels with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Subaru Natsuki reacts too late to rotate! Heavy feet on the help side!
Subaru Natsuki, this solid build, waves off the play call! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the team!
The players file out. Astolfo exchanges a tense look with the coach. Did you know Astolfo keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
This absolute legend Friedrich Engels throws up a prayer at the buzzer! Not answered!
This hidden prospect Cell can barely jump! The springs are gone under the basket!
PewDiePie attacks into a dead end under the basket! Turnover! Tendency to rush!
Cell lets fly the towel! This dark horse showing injury-prone body!
This who-is-this-guy player Cell shakes hands and moves on. In the end, lack of consistency proved costly.
Astolfo and Subaru Natsuki walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
90-135 (L)
PewDiePie stretches center court! Loosening up, the youtuber is getting ready!
Cell, this solid build, gets the look but can't convert at half court!
Friedrich Engels loses the pill! A revolutionary would never be this careless!
Friedrich Engels, this versatile guy, gets dunked on from downtown! Poster material!
Subaru Natsuki glares at the scoreboard! This raw talent not happy with the situation!
Both teams head to the locker room. Cell wipes his forehead with his jersey. Small detail: Cell wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
PewDiePie can't find the range! Their camera has better accuracy than that!
Astolfo short-arms the shot from fatigue! This dark horse has nothing left!
Friedrich Engels dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a revolutionary like that!
Friedrich Engels argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
PewDiePie sits alone on the bench. This basketball god processing the defeat.
Cell shakes Astolfo's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
80-124 (L)
Cell, this newcomer, embraces the sold-out gym on fire! Game on!
Brick! Cell misfires under the basket! Tendency to force bad shots at the worst time!
Subaru Natsuki tries to be too fancy and loses the basketball! Injury-prone body in the decision-making!
Cell gets burned on the drive! Tendency to rush in lateral movement!
Subaru Natsuki, this smooth operator, shows negative body language! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Break! PewDiePie heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Intel: PewDiePie once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Cell launches the basketball right into the defender's hands! Ego the size of Texas!
PewDiePie calls for the sub! Even a youtuber's stamina with their camera has limits!
PewDiePie with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost youtuber!
Cell picks up the second technical! This player nobody saw coming ejected! Heavy feet!
Astolfo reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
Subaru Natsuki mutters while walking out. PewDiePie watches from the corner of his eye, worried. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
80-124 (L)
Tip-off! Cell gets us started! Let's go!
PewDiePie, this household name, pulls the trigger from the right corner but no luck!
This surprise package Cell gets pickpocketed in the paint! Sloppy handling!
This surprise package Subaru Natsuki bites on the fake! Beaten along the baseline!
Astolfo storms to the bench! This player nobody saw coming is visibly upset!
The locker room. Friedrich Engels sprawls out full-length on the bench. Little scoop: Friedrich Engels logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Astolfo with a wild attempt! This rising star not finding the range tonight!
Cell, this combo guard, laboring up and down! Tendency to rush draining the energy!
This diamond in the rough Subaru Natsuki forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Friedrich Engels throws their hands up! Like a revolutionary when their bare hands breaks!
This absolute legend Friedrich Engels stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this absolute legend wanted.
Astolfo's eyes are glassy. Cell mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
80-125 (L)
PewDiePie, this household name, draws first blood! An alley-oop to start!
Subaru Natsuki fires a pull-up jumper along the baseline but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
Friedrich Engels forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Friedrich Engels loses the battle in the paint! Being a revolutionary doesn't help you here!
This unknown gem Astolfo can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime! PewDiePie walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Exclusive: PewDiePie was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Subaru Natsuki takes off the leather into nothing! Injury-prone body on full display tonight!
Cell, this tweener, looks exhausted from the left corner! The legs are gone!
Subaru Natsuki pulls up into a trap! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the defense!
Subaru Natsuki, this diamond in the rough, yells at the coaching staff! Shaky emotions under pressure causing friction!
This dude out of nowhere Astolfo tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Astolfo lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Subaru Natsuki decides not to comment. Tonight I had a revelation: Subaru Natsuki runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
81-125 (L)
Subaru Natsuki blows past into position! This dude out of nowhere not wasting any time!
A layup attempt by Friedrich Engels falls short! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
This potential GOAT PewDiePie with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This who-is-this-guy player Cell commits the and-one foul! Tendency to force bad shots in positioning!
PewDiePie mutters to himself walking back! This basketball god fighting inner demons!
The locker room. Astolfo sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know? Astolfo tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Subaru Natsuki, this surprise package, sends the pill wide! The touch is off tonight!
Astolfo rises up a step slower than usual! Heavy feet in the tank!
PewDiePie, this pocket rocket, commits the travel! Occasional mental lapses in the footwork!
Astolfo dunks and kicks the stanchion! This who-is-this-guy player losing composure!
Friedrich Engels tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
Cell collapses into the first available chair. PewDiePie stays standing, eyes glazed over. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
84-128 (L)
Friedrich Engels drives onto the floor! The crowd roars for this basketball god!
Subaru Natsuki pulls up the rock into the front rim! That's frustrating for this raw talent!
Cell with the errant pass! This dark horse needs to settle down!
PewDiePie gives up the back door! Injury-prone body when overplaying!
Astolfo, this rising star, refuses to high-five! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the chemistry!
Back in the locker room, PewDiePie sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: PewDiePie once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
This dark horse Cell shanks a reverse layup driving to the hoop! That's uncharacteristic!
Subaru Natsuki bends over during the dead ball! This potential breakout star gathering what's left!
Subaru Natsuki throws it away! Tendency to rush under pressure from the right corner!
Astolfo, this hungry young player, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
This guy nobody was talking about Subaru Natsuki congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this guy nobody was talking about.
Friedrich Engels walks head down toward the tunnel. Astolfo drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
74-119 (L)
This who-is-this-guy player Subaru Natsuki in the starting lineup! Let's see what this who-is-this-guy player brings!
Friedrich Engels can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this generational talent!
Friedrich Engels, this versatile guy, gets the ball poked away! Limited stamina when protecting the Spalding!
PewDiePie watches helplessly! A youtuber watching the algorithm fall off the shelf!
Subaru Natsuki slams the orange in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Rest time. PewDiePie isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Fun fact: PewDiePie failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Subaru Natsuki dribbles but the shot rims out! Defense that's basically a suggestion rears its ugly head!
PewDiePie grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their camera in the workshop!
This unknown gem Cell commits the offensive foul! Turnover driving to the hoop!
Astolfo, this low-to-the-ground speedster, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Friedrich Engels refuses to make excuses! A revolutionary owns the game failures too!
Friedrich Engels whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. PewDiePie nods without conviction. Evening confession: I'm wearing Friedrich Engels's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
73-117 (L)
Astolfo takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
PewDiePie misfires from the left corner! Even this global icon has off nights!
PewDiePie with the careless pass! Captivating the algorithm with more care, please!
Astolfo scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Hot head!
Cell, this tweener, throws the hands up! Exasperated facing the rim!
Halftime. Subaru Natsuki's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know Subaru Natsuki plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Cell, this do-it-all player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Injury-prone body!
Friedrich Engels misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
PewDiePie commits the live-ball turnover! Their camera would be ashamed!
This potential breakout star Subaru Natsuki shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Cell, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the field house. Lessons to take from this one.
Astolfo rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Friedrich Engels picks up his own and folds it carefully. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
75-119 (L)
Astolfo, this raw talent, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Astolfo, this little thunder, can't finish along the baseline! That one stings!
PewDiePie throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the youtuber got too confident!
Astolfo, this pocket rocket, lets the shooter get free from mid-range! Costly lapse!
Friedrich Engels mouths off and picks up a T! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Break! PewDiePie heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Did you know? PewDiePie once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Subaru Natsuki, this all-around player, gets stuffed trying a finger roll! Denied!
PewDiePie jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for captivating the algorithm tomorrow!
Friedrich Engels charges right into the defender! Turnover! Lack of consistency when controlling pace!
This newcomer Astolfo fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
PewDiePie drives past the media. This global icon not in the mood to talk.
PewDiePie's complexion is grey. Astolfo's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
89-134 (L)
Cell takes off with energy from the opening whistle! This diamond in the rough locked in!
Subaru Natsuki fades away the Wilson awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this dark horse!
Friedrich Engels, this all-around player, gets called for the carry! Occasional mental lapses in ball-handling!
PewDiePie gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the algorithm on a rough day!
Astolfo, this little thunder, sits down hard on the bench! Injury-prone body written all over his face!
End of the first act. Astolfo is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? Astolfo tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Friedrich Engels skips it off the rim! The game has better hop than that!
Subaru Natsuki, this potential breakout star, sucking wind after that sprint! The 48 regulation minutes of battle!
Cell with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
Cell drops the head after another miss! Defense that's basically a suggestion sapping the confidence!
Astolfo, this player nobody saw coming, takes the loss hard. Shaky emotions under pressure at the wrong moments.
Astolfo watches the crowd file out in silence. PewDiePie prefers not to look. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-132 (L)
This hungry young player Subaru Natsuki means business! Fast start facing the rim!
Cell rushes a pull-up jumper along the baseline! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
PewDiePie coughs it up! A youtuber's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
This potential breakout star Subaru Natsuki misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
PewDiePie, this absolute legend, barks at the teammate! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Break! Cell grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. True story: Cell walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Cleveland Twin-Towers. Awkward. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Cell, this raw talent, with a contested and-one that misses in the paint!
Friedrich Engels plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
PewDiePie, this low-to-the-ground speedster, gets stripped in transition! Injury-prone body exposed!
Astolfo can't mask the disappointment! This hidden prospect wearing it on the sleeve!
Cell, this hungry young player, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Astolfo snaps at the bench on his way out. Subaru Natsuki says nothing, but his look says everything. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Subaru Natsuki. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
80-125 (L)
This unknown gem Subaru Natsuki comes out aggressive! Opens with a deep three at half court!
This raw talent Cell misfires again! Defense that's basically a suggestion could cost the team!
Friedrich Engels botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Cell, this smooth operator, fouls unnecessarily from mid-range! Limited stamina!
This dude out of nowhere Cell hangs the head after the miss! Deflated back to the basket!
Into the tunnel. Subaru Natsuki grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Quick anecdote about Subaru Natsuki: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Astolfo air-mails a catch-and-shoot triple at half court! Way off for this rising star!
This who-is-this-guy player Cell is a warrior but the body says no! The contest of war!
Subaru Natsuki throws it into the stands! What was that from this hungry young player!
Subaru Natsuki spins away from the huddle! This diamond in the rough in a dark place mentally!
Astolfo spins to the tunnel in disappointment. This surprise package will learn from this.
Cell bites the inside of his cheek. Astolfo pinches the bridge of his nose. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
86-131 (L)
This diamond in the rough Subaru Natsuki comes out firing! A two-handed slam in the first minute!
PewDiePie can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the basketball differently than the algorithm!
PewDiePie crosses over carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Subaru Natsuki gets crossed over! This hidden prospect left frozen at the top of the key!
Friedrich Engels storms to the bench! Heated! This revolutionary doesn't handle losing well!
The players file out. Friedrich Engels exchanges a tense look with the coach. Quick anecdote about Friedrich Engels: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Cell, this who-is-this-guy player, comes up empty! A euro-step off target from way beyond the arc!
PewDiePie, this first-ballot legend, is dragging! The contest minutes taking their toll!
Subaru Natsuki coughs up the damn ball! Tendency to rush strikes again from mid-range!
This surprise package Cell throws an elbow in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Friedrich Engels vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
PewDiePie mutters while walking out. Astolfo watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
80-124 (L)
Opening possession for PewDiePie! First touch, like first touch of their camera!
Friedrich Engels misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
This player nobody saw coming Subaru Natsuki with turnover number lengths ahead! Limited stamina is piling up!
Cell loses the screen battle! Ego the size of Texas around the picks!
PewDiePie gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
That's a wrap for now. Astolfo dives into the tunnel. Locker room intel: Astolfo has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Cell, this tweener, gets the separation but can't finish! Sometimes predictable game!
Astolfo is running on pure willpower! This diamond in the rough refusing to quit!
Cell, this smooth operator, steps out of bounds with the damn ball! Mental lapse!
This dark horse Astolfo slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Friedrich Engels looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a revolutionary!
Cell bites the inside of his cheek. PewDiePie pinches the bridge of his nose. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Friedrich Engels.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Friedrich Engels. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Cell. An amateur in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Cell has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Friedrich Engels.
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