My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
4 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Darth Vader is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 202 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Mr. Incredible. A claims adjuster. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a claims adjuster, with their claims file, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Mr. Incredible has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the insurance claim with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
73-118 (L)
Darth Vader, this titan, sets the tone immediately! Eyes in the back of the head from the jump!
This living legend Charlie Kirk whiffs on an off-balance shot! The crowd groans!
Mr. Incredible gets picked! A claims adjuster getting the insurance claim stolen in broad daylight!
Darth Vader gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
Hulk goes to work the towel! This living legend showing lack of consistency!
Back to the locker room. Mr. Incredible punches his locker. Little secret: Mr. Incredible listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Hulk sends it wide! Their lab notebook wouldn't forgive that either!
This total unknown Mr. Incredible has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Darth Vader coughs it up! A jedi's grip doesn't work on the leather!
Darth Vader kicks the air! The frustration of a jedi who knows they can do better!
Hulk consoles teammates! The heart of a scientist in that moment!
Darth Vader clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Hulk fidgets with his wristband nervously. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
82-126 (L)
Hulk wins the opening tip! Tipping off with scientist energy!
Mr. Incredible, this surprise package, pulls the trigger in transition but no luck!
Darth Vader gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a jedi's grip!
Darth Vader beaten to the spot! Slower than a jedi on a Monday morning!
Mr. Incredible shakes their head! A claims adjuster who can't believe that just happened!
Halftime! Mr. Incredible checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Mr. Incredible got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Darth Vader bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Hulk plays through exhaustion! The endurance of discoverring the hidden truth daily!
Hulk dribbles it off their foot! Their lab notebook would never betray a scientist like that!
Mr. Incredible, this total unknown, refuses to high-five! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the chemistry!
Mr. Incredible sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a claims adjuster after their claims file broke!
Charlie Kirk clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Darth Vader fidgets with his wristband nervously. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
79-124 (L)
Darth Vader, this generational talent, draws first blood! A pull-up jumper to start!
Darth Vader dishes the orange but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Darth Vader with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This global icon Darth Vader can't recover! Scored on at the top of the key! Tendency to force bad shots!
Darth Vader storms to the bench! This basketball god is visibly upset!
Halftime. The doctor examines Hulk's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Fun fact: Hulk is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
This generational talent Darth Vader misses the mark! A deep three goes begging at the top of the key!
Mr. Incredible tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a claims adjuster's energy for the insurance claim!
Intercepted! Darth Vader's pass snatched right out of the air! A jedi would never be that careless!
This franchise cornerstone Charlie Kirk shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Darth Vader, this walking skyscraper, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Charlie Kirk has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Darth Vader has aged ten years in forty minutes. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
87-131 (L)
Darth Vader looks dialed in from the start! Eyes in the back of the head preparation showing!
Darth Vader rushes an off-balance shot at the top of the key! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Darth Vader botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Charlie Kirk gets blown by! Even a conspiracy theorist couldn't stop that!
Hulk storms to the bench! Heated! This scientist doesn't handle losing well!
Halftime whistle. Darth Vader has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Did you know Darth Vader started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Hulk rattles in and out! The hidden truth never teases a scientist like that!
Darth Vader is running on fumes! The jedi tank is completely empty!
This household name Hulk commits the offensive foul! Turnover under the basket!
Charlie Kirk drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a conspiracy theorist's spirit has limits!
This living legend Charlie Kirk leaves the temple of basketball with head held high. Fought to the end.
Darth Vader and Charlie Kirk share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
77-121 (L)
Darth Vader steps onto the den! From competing the game to this, game time!
Hulk with the off-balance finger roll! This household name couldn't set the feet!
Charlie Kirk with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Darth Vader overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to rush when reading the play!
Darth Vader throws their hands up! Like a jedi when their bare hands breaks!
Break! Charlie Kirk has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Confession: Charlie Kirk believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Darth Vader misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the game!
Darth Vader soldiers on! The soldier who competes the game with their bare hands!
Charlie Kirk throws it away! A pass worse than a conspiracy theorist tossing the game!
Mr. Incredible looks to the heavens! A claims adjuster praying for their claims file to work!
Hulk hangs their head! A scientist who gave everything they had!
Mr. Incredible refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Charlie Kirk watches it and immediately regrets it. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
82-126 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Hulk gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Darth Vader misses the open look! This basketball god can't believe it! Occasional mental lapses!
Hulk trips up in the center circle! A scientist never trips at work... Right?
Darth Vader loses the battle in the paint! Being a jedi doesn't help you here!
Hulk, this do-it-all player, shows negative body language! Heavy feet creeping in!
The players head in. Mr. Incredible slips on the wet tunnel floor. Confession: Mr. Incredible believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Darth Vader launches from deep and misses! A jedi's range doesn't apply here!
Darth Vader, this mammoth, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Charlie Kirk forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Darth Vader mouths off on the inbound pass! A jedi venting about the game!
Darth Vader posts up past the media. This living legend not in the mood to talk.
Charlie Kirk rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Hulk picks up his own and folds it carefully. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
79-123 (L)
Darth Vader, this tower, is introduced and the arena explodes! This franchise cornerstone is in the building!
Charlie Kirk pulls up but the shot rims out! Lack of consistency rears its ugly head!
Hulk coughs up the rock! Shaky emotions under pressure strikes again along the baseline!
Hulk bites on the pump fake! This hall-of-fame lock sent flying driving to the hoop!
Hulk glares at the scoreboard! This potential GOAT not happy with the situation!
Halftime. Darth Vader wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know Darth Vader plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. We're back! The players look fired up.
Darth Vader misfires from downtown! Their bare hands calibration needed!
This basketball god Charlie Kirk can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Hulk drives the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this undisputed superstar!
Charlie Kirk rises up and kicks the stanchion! This all-time great losing composure!
Darth Vader leaves the den quietly! Quiet as a jedi after the game setback!
Mr. Incredible takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Darth Vader doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Evening confession: I'm wearing Mr. Incredible's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
76-120 (L)
Hulk announces themselves! The scientist has arrived and the building knows it!
Mr. Incredible forces a pull-up jumper from downtown! This dude out of nowhere trying too hard!
Mr. Incredible dribbles into a trap! Limited stamina when reading the defense!
This certified GOAT candidate Darth Vader misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Hulk argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to discoverring the hidden truth!
That's a wrap for now. Mr. Incredible dives into the tunnel. Did you know? Mr. Incredible once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Mr. Incredible shanks it from the key! Settling the insurance claim uses different muscles!
Mr. Incredible cramps up! Muscles tight from their claims file and the orange double duty!
Darth Vader turns it over in the baseline! Butterfingers from this jedi!
Mr. Incredible buries their face! Hidden from view, the claims adjuster can't watch!
Charlie Kirk wipes a tear! A conspiracy theorist who poured everything into the effort!
Charlie Kirk's complexion is grey. Mr. Incredible's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-134 (L)
Hulk checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Mr. Incredible bricks another one! Building something awful with their claims file tonight!
Charlie Kirk charges right into the defender! Turnover! Limited stamina when controlling pace!
Charlie Kirk beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a conspiracy theorist!
Darth Vader slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a jedi hits the workbench!
Halftime whistle. Darth Vader flops into the first available chair. Did you know? Darth Vader tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Charlie Kirk, this swiss-army-knife type, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this hall-of-fame lock!
Mr. Incredible, this versatile guy, laboring up and down! Sometimes predictable game draining the energy!
Mr. Incredible with the backcourt violation! A claims adjuster going backwards with the insurance claim!
This rising star Mr. Incredible slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Darth Vader takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad jedi day!
Mr. Incredible looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Charlie Kirk looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
86-130 (L)
This surprise package Mr. Incredible in the starting lineup! Let's see what this surprise package brings!
A hook shot from Hulk goes in and out! Heartbreaking from the left corner!
Mr. Incredible throws it away! Lack of consistency under pressure from the left corner!
Mr. Incredible loses their assignment! Like losing their claims file in the workshop!
Charlie Kirk, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated in transition!
Break! Darth Vader has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Darth Vader once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Hulk misses! Even a scientist can't fix that shot!
Hulk drags their feet! Heavy as their lab notebook at the end of a shift!
Charlie Kirk with the lazy pass! Injury-prone body leading to easy points!
Charlie Kirk, this solid build, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
Mr. Incredible, this who-is-this-guy player, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Hulk and Charlie Kirk share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
79-124 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Hulk comes out aggressive! Opens with a deep three in transition!
Charlie Kirk misses the bunny! A conspiracy theorist dropping the game from point-blank!
Hulk tries to be too fancy and loses the rock! Hot head in the decision-making!
Darth Vader caught flat-footed! Standing still, the jedi reflexes took a nap!
Mr. Incredible mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Cut! Halftime. Mr. Incredible's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little secret: Mr. Incredible has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Darth Vader, this oversized freak, gets the look in the paint but the lid's on the rim!
Mr. Incredible, this smooth operator, looks exhausted from the left corner! The legs are gone!
This generational talent Darth Vader commits the 5-second violation! Clock management defense that's basically a suggestion!
Charlie Kirk, this do-it-all player, waves off the play call! Injury-prone body hurting the team!
Darth Vader refuses to make excuses! A jedi owns the game failures too!
Darth Vader lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Hulk decides not to comment. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
87-131 (L)
Darth Vader stretches center court! Loosening up, the jedi is getting ready!
Charlie Kirk goes to work the leather into the front rim! That's frustrating for this living legend!
This absolute legend Darth Vader forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Charlie Kirk fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a conspiracy theorist chasing the game!
Charlie Kirk, this living legend, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
Off to the locker room. Mr. Incredible has already drained two water bottles. Did you know? Mr. Incredible tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Hulk takes a tough buzzer-beater and it doesn't go! Tendency to rush in shot selection!
Mr. Incredible stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a claims adjuster over the insurance claim!
Darth Vader commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Hulk stares in disbelief! The look of a scientist who just lost everything!
Darth Vader looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a jedi!
Charlie Kirk sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Darth Vader winces. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-129 (L)
The floor welcomes Charlie Kirk! The conspiracy theorist with the game has arrived!
Hulk misses at the buzzer! A scientist who missed the deadline!
Darth Vader, this giant, commits the travel! Limited stamina in the footwork!
Charlie Kirk bites on the fake! Fooled like a conspiracy theorist by counterfeit the game!
Charlie Kirk gets a technical for complaining! Injury-prone body on full display!
End of the second quarter. Mr. Incredible is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little secret: Mr. Incredible has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Darth Vader can't convert! The jedi's touch with the game deserted them!
Hulk looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a scientist relieved of their lab notebook!
Sloppy handling by Mr. Incredible! Settling the insurance claim is done with more finesse!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Charlie Kirk gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Hulk walks off in defeat! Even a scientist's skills couldn't save tonight!
Darth Vader bites the inside of his cheek. Hulk pinches the bridge of his nose. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
79-124 (L)
Darth Vader takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Darth Vader fires a two-handed slam facing the rim but can't connect! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Darth Vader throws it into the stands! What was that from this basketball god!
Hulk gets crossed over! This living legend left frozen facing the rim!
Hulk waves off the play! The authority of a scientist in that gesture!
Players head to the locker room. Darth Vader has tape on three fingers. Little secret: Darth Vader has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
A buzzer beater from Charlie Kirk catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Charlie Kirk gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from competing the game and hooping!
Darth Vader turns it over on the inbound pass! A jedi dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Darth Vader, this living legend, yells at the coaching staff! Shaky emotions under pressure causing friction!
Hulk shakes hands through the pain! A scientist who respects their lab notebook and the game!
Charlie Kirk sits on the floor in the hallway. Darth Vader sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-125 (L)
Charlie Kirk posts up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this guy with rings on every finger!
Hulk off the back iron! Hard miss, even a scientist cringes at that!
Darth Vader, this oversized freak, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
Hulk gets posted up and scored on! This basketball god overpowered!
This diamond in the rough Mr. Incredible can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Break. Mr. Incredible collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know Mr. Incredible knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Hulk, this first-ballot legend, fumbles the finish under the basket! Back to the drawing board!
Hulk, this once-in-a-lifetime player, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Hulk with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the hidden truth!
Hulk vents at their teammates! The scientist who vents about the hidden truth!
Despite the loss, Darth Vader held their own with the game! The jedi fought!
Darth Vader watches the crowd file out in silence. Hulk prefers not to look. I got a text from Darth Vader after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Darth Vader.
Season journal
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