My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Albert Einstein. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Adolf Hitler. The man is a soldier. A freaking soldier. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their service rifle and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
76-120 (L)
Osama bin Laden wins the opening tip! Tipping off with civil engineer energy!
Osama bin Laden shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a civil engineer would cringe!
Adolf Hitler throws it out of bounds! Like launching their service rifle into the void!
Charlie Kirk, this smooth operator, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over injury-prone body!
Charlie Kirk drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a conspiracy theorist's spirit has limits!
Into the tunnel. Osama bin Laden grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: Osama bin Laden lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Albert Einstein misses! Even an inventor can't fix that shot!
Albert Einstein powers through! The inventor in them won't quit on the status quo!
Osama bin Laden with the errant pass! This living legend needs to settle down!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Albert Einstein stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Sean Combs sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a philanthropist after their bare hands broke!
Charlie Kirk punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Sean Combs slides down the wall to the floor. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
99-93 (W)
This certified GOAT candidate Albert Einstein catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Adolf Hitler lays it in softly! Touch softer than a soldier's hands on the job!
Sean Combs slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Insane court vision in every step!
Charlie Kirk, this swiss-army-knife type, finds the trailer! A reverse layup off the assist, easy money!
Sean Combs makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a philanthropist behind the game!
Break! Osama bin Laden heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Little scoop: Osama bin Laden collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
This all-time great Adolf Hitler with a vintage finger roll! The old magic is still there!
Post-game fireworks for Sean Combs! Brighter than their bare hands on a perfect day!
This reliable star Sean Combs unites the locker room! Natural-born leadership captain's mentality!
The duality of Adolf Hitler: soldier precision meets the orange artistry!
What a game for Osama bin Laden! Tomorrow's the river gorge will feel easy after this!
Adolf Hitler does the floss while Charlie Kirk spins like a top. Sean Combs just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
94-103 (L)
This undisputed superstar Charlie Kirk comes out aggressive! Opens with a layup under the basket!
Sean Combs with the contested floater in transition! No good! Bad selection!
Osama bin Laden with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
This absolute legend Adolf Hitler gives up the offensive rebound! Occasional mental lapses when boxing out!
Sean Combs finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their bare hands!
Break! Sean Combs takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know? Sean Combs launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Adolf Hitler, this short king, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
Sean Combs whiffs on the jumper! A philanthropist off their game with their bare hands!
Albert Einstein communicates the switch! Clear as an inventor's instructions!
Albert Einstein gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like an inventor begging the status quo for mercy!
Adolf Hitler, this undersized dog, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
Charlie Kirk refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Adolf Hitler watches it and immediately regrets it. Did you know that Adolf Hitler practices conspiracy theorist on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
110-111 (L)
Sean Combs announces themselves! The philanthropist has arrived and the building knows it!
Adolf Hitler with a two-handed slam on the break! Running like they're late for work!
Osama bin Laden left in the dust! Even a civil engineer moves faster than that!
This first-ballot legend Charlie Kirk misses the mark! A pull-up jumper goes begging from downtown!
Adolf Hitler, this lightning-quick little man, with the crucial defensive stop! Comeback building!
Halftime whistle! Osama bin Laden slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Osama bin Laden tried to impress the Philadelphia Injury-Report players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Adolf Hitler fumbles the inbound! Monday morning vibes from this soldier!
Osama bin Laden throws their hands up! Like a civil engineer when the theodolite breaks!
Albert Einstein is writing the story tonight! This franchise cornerstone with a layup at the buzzer!
Charlie Kirk sends the free throw long! Overcooked it, the conspiracy theorist touch is off tonight!
Charlie Kirk walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to conspiracy theorist life tomorrow!
Osama bin Laden takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Charlie Kirk doesn't drink. Throat too tight. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
96-106 (L)
Osama bin Laden huddles with the team! Huddling up, the civil engineer strategizes!
A deep three attempt by Charlie Kirk falls short! Lack of consistency in the legs!
Osama bin Laden dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the civil engineer's finest moment!
Albert Einstein, this do-it-all player, lets the shooter get free in the paint! Costly lapse!
Albert Einstein catches and shoots,a buzzer-beater! Quick hands from revolutionizing the status quo!
Halftime whistle. Osama bin Laden has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. I've been told Osama bin Laden always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Sean Combs, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Albert Einstein skips it off the rim! The status quo has better hop than that!
Sean Combs spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Adolf Hitler is cramping up! This basketball god trying to shake it off! Hot head!
Charlie Kirk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the conspiracy theorist gave everything!
Sean Combs mutters while walking out. Osama bin Laden watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
86-130 (L)
Sean Combs stretches center court! Loosening up, the philanthropist is getting ready!
Adolf Hitler misses the open look! A soldier never misses the front line... But misses the Wilson!
Turnover by Adolf Hitler! Defending the front line requires less coordination, clearly!
Osama bin Laden, this big fella, gets exploited in the switch! Ego the size of Texas exposed in the mismatch!
Charlie Kirk vents at their teammates! The conspiracy theorist who vents about the game!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Sean Combs picks up the pace. Rumor has it Sean Combs tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
This basketball god Charlie Kirk rattles it out! So close yet so far from the right corner!
This all-time great Charlie Kirk can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Charlie Kirk gets pickpocketed on the low block! Sloppy handling!
Osama bin Laden walks away muttering! Muttering about the river gorge under their breath!
Albert Einstein attacks past the media. This guy with rings on every finger not in the mood to talk.
Charlie Kirk sits on the floor in the hallway. Adolf Hitler sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
83-128 (L)
Albert Einstein, this do-it-all player, sets the tone immediately! Eyes in the back of the head from the jump!
Adolf Hitler bricks another one! Building something awful with their service rifle tonight!
Charlie Kirk coughs up the damn ball! Heavy feet strikes again along the baseline!
Charlie Kirk gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
Osama bin Laden stares in disbelief! The look of a civil engineer who just lost everything!
The players leave the court. Osama bin Laden clings to the tunnel railing. Anecdote: Osama bin Laden lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Sean Combs, this do-it-all player, gets the look but can't convert on the low block!
Adolf Hitler waves for a timeout! The soldier needs the front line break!
Sean Combs dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a philanthropist like that!
Adolf Hitler storms to the bench! Heated! This soldier doesn't handle losing well!
Osama bin Laden takes the loss hard! Hard as the river gorge on a bad civil engineer day!
Osama bin Laden slams his fist on the bench. Sean Combs places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
83-114 (L)
Sean Combs, this all-around player, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
Sean Combs misfires again! Having the game-shaped night!
Sean Combs loses the leather! A philanthropist would never be this careless!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Osama bin Laden picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Osama bin Laden mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to rush taking over!
Break! Osama bin Laden grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Fun fact: Osama bin Laden tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
This first-ballot legend Adolf Hitler misfires again! Hot head could cost the team!
Sean Combs is visibly tired! This reliable star needs a timeout badly!
Adolf Hitler, this miniature missile, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
Osama bin Laden is visibly upset! Upset as a civil engineer when the river gorge goes sideways!
Albert Einstein gave it everything! Everything an inventor has, left on the court!
Osama bin Laden clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Sean Combs fidgets with his wristband nervously. I learned that Osama bin Laden's father was a conspiracy theorist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
101-116 (L)
Adolf Hitler steps onto the temple of basketball! From defending the front line to this, game time!
A thunderous slam from Adolf Hitler goes in and out! Heartbreaking from the right corner!
Sloppy handling by Albert Einstein! Revolutionizing the status quo is done with more finesse!
Albert Einstein gets screened out! Stuck behind their prototype sketch like it's a wall!
Sean Combs buries a pull-up jumper from downtown! This world-class player is on fire tonight!
Halftime whistle! Albert Einstein grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little secret: Albert Einstein has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Adolf Hitler slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a soldier hits the workbench!
Sean Combs, this do-it-all player, can't get a sky hook to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Adolf Hitler uses the hesitation dribble! Iron discipline creating separation!
This first-ballot legend Adolf Hitler has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Albert Einstein refuses to make excuses! An inventor owns the status quo failures too!
Albert Einstein claps his hands in frustration. Osama bin Laden clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-128 (L)
This absolute legend Osama bin Laden opens the scoring! A catch-and-shoot triple! Early advantage!
Charlie Kirk can't convert! The conspiracy theorist's touch with the game deserted them!
Osama bin Laden with a wild pass that sails out! This certified GOAT candidate giving it away!
Albert Einstein, this combo guard, fouls unnecessarily along the baseline! Ego the size of Texas!
Sean Combs buries their face! Hidden from view, the philanthropist can't watch!
End of the first half. Osama bin Laden is beet red but still standing. Locker room intel: Osama bin Laden has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Sean Combs rushes a fadeaway jumper along the baseline! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
Sean Combs grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
This guy everybody knows Sean Combs forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Sean Combs can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the orange frustration!
Adolf Hitler sits alone on the bench. This potential GOAT processing the defeat.
Osama bin Laden watches the crowd file out in silence. Charlie Kirk prefers not to look. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-112 (L)
This household name Charlie Kirk in the starting lineup! Let's see what this household name brings!
Adolf Hitler gets blocked! Rejected harder than a soldier's worst day on the job!
Adolf Hitler botches the handoff! Even their service rifle exchanges go smoother!
Sean Combs gets screened out of the play! This certified bucket lost in traffic!
The technical flair of Osama bin Laden recalls their civil engineer days. A tear drop! Sublime!
Coach calls everyone back. Charlie Kirk drags his feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Charlie Kirk got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Sean Combs shakes their head! A philanthropist who can't believe that just happened!
Sean Combs bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Adolf Hitler executes an aggressive small-ball lineup perfectly! Precision learned as a soldier!
This all-time great Osama bin Laden can barely jump! The springs are gone at the buzzer!
Despite the loss, Charlie Kirk held their own with the game! The conspiracy theorist fought!
Charlie Kirk taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Adolf Hitler walks through the door without pushing it. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
81-110 (L)
Osama bin Laden, this all-time great, draws first blood! A half-court heave to start!
Albert Einstein misfires driving to the hoop! Their prototype sketch calibration needed!
Adolf Hitler gets picked! A soldier getting the front line stolen in broad daylight!
Osama bin Laden turns the head and loses the man! This first-ballot legend napping defensively!
Sean Combs can't mask the disappointment! This headliner wearing it on the sleeve!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Charlie Kirk walks head down toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Charlie Kirk does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Charlie Kirk shanks it from the corner! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Osama bin Laden is running on pure willpower! This global icon refusing to quit!
Osama bin Laden trips up in the right wing! A civil engineer never trips at work... Right?
Sean Combs, this solid build, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Albert Einstein wipes a tear! An inventor who poured everything into the effort!
Albert Einstein mutters 'damn' under his breath. Sean Combs says 'yeah' in the same tone. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-126 (L)
Sean Combs gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a philanthropist on day one!
Charlie Kirk can't convert the open shot! Competing the game is way easier!
Albert Einstein, this solid build, gets stripped from mid-range! Limited stamina exposed!
Osama bin Laden beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the river gorge slipping from a civil engineer!
This guy with rings on every finger Adolf Hitler throws an elbow in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
That's a cut. Sean Combs stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know Sean Combs plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Charlie Kirk with the ugly miss! The conspiracy theorist touch is absent tonight!
Sean Combs, this reliable star, is dragging! The contest minutes taking their toll!
Adolf Hitler with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the front line!
Sean Combs, this top-tier talent, with the frustrated foul! Sometimes predictable game in tough moments!
Charlie Kirk had the chances but couldn't convert. This franchise cornerstone left wanting.
Sean Combs refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Charlie Kirk watches it and immediately regrets it. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
79-124 (L)
Opening possession for Albert Einstein! First touch, like first touch of their prototype sketch!
Charlie Kirk gets a clean look but lack of consistency costs the bucket!
Charlie Kirk charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to rush when controlling pace!
Albert Einstein gets posted up and scored on! This franchise cornerstone overpowered!
Albert Einstein storms to the bench! This all-time great is visibly upset!
Both teams head to the locker room. Albert Einstein wipes his forehead with his jersey. Little secret: Albert Einstein watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Sean Combs launches and misses! The Spalding isn't the game, and it shows!
Sean Combs gulps water! As thirsty as a philanthropist reaching for the game!
Intercepted! Sean Combs's pass snatched right out of the air! A philanthropist would never be that careless!
Albert Einstein argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to revolutionizing the status quo!
Albert Einstein tips the cap to the winners! The inventor's grace with the status quo!
Sean Combs whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Charlie Kirk nods without conviction. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
74-118 (L)
Albert Einstein bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Sean Combs forces a bad step-back three! This top-tier talent needs to trust teammates!
Charlie Kirk throws it away! A pass worse than a conspiracy theorist tossing the game!
Albert Einstein caught flat-footed! Standing still, the inventor reflexes took a nap!
Adolf Hitler mutters to himself walking back! This living legend fighting inner demons!
Break. Adolf Hitler's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Physio's confession: Adolf Hitler purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Sean Combs with a wild attempt! This franchise guy not finding the range tonight!
Osama bin Laden, this big fella, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Adolf Hitler with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost soldier!
Adolf Hitler, this little firecracker, shows negative body language! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Adolf Hitler absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a soldier knows tough days!
Charlie Kirk takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Osama bin Laden doesn't drink. Throat too tight. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Albert Einstein.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Albert Einstein. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Adolf Hitler. The man is a soldier. A freaking soldier. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their service rifle and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Albert Einstein.
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