Scooby jews — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Scooby jews | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Scooby jews! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Hugh Jackman. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Liver King. The man. Is. A bodybuilder. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A bodybuilder. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their barbell rack and apparently, the technical motion of a bodybuilder and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-132 (L)
Pharrell Williams, this headliner, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Kevin James shanks it from beyond the arc! Greenlighting the risky picture uses different muscles!
Hugh Jackman, this tweener, gets the ball poked away! Occasional mental lapses when protecting the Spalding!
Kevin James beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the risky picture slipping from a film producer!
Hugh Jackman, this potential GOAT, refuses to high-five! Occasional mental lapses hurting the chemistry!
Halftime. Liver King is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know? Liver King tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Pharrell Williams misses the open look! A rapper never misses the fiery bars... But misses the rock!
Kevin James gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from greenlighting the risky picture and hooping!
Kevin James gets picked! A film producer getting the risky picture stolen in broad daylight!
This elite player Kevin James fouls hard out of frustration! Ego the size of Texas showing!
DJ Khaled sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a record producer after their mixing console broke!
Hugh Jackman's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Pharrell Williams hides his eyes under a towel. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
95-125 (L)
This all-time great Hugh Jackman gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Pharrell Williams pulls up but the shot rims out! Occasional mental lapses rears its ugly head!
This hungry young player Liver King with turnover number points! Lack of consistency is piling up!
Kevin James gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the risky picture behind their loaded checkbook!
Hugh Jackman explodes and scores! A buzzer beater! This do-it-all player is a problem!
That's a cut. DJ Khaled stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Fun fact: DJ Khaled failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
DJ Khaled slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a record producer hits the workbench!
Pharrell Williams can't convert the open shot! Spitting the fiery bars is way easier!
Pharrell Williams makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true rapper!
Kevin James drags their feet! Heavy as their loaded checkbook at the end of a shift!
Pharrell Williams, this combo guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite scary good handles effort.
Kevin James taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Pharrell Williams walks through the door without pushing it. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
96-111 (L)
DJ Khaled steps onto the gymnasium! From shaping the raw track to this, game time!
Liver King, this unknown gem, fumbles the finish in transition! Back to the drawing board!
Pharrell Williams throws it into the stands! What was that from this certified bucket!
DJ Khaled overcommits and gets beat! Ego the size of Texas when reading the play!
This headliner Pharrell Williams finishes with authority! An off-balance shot on the low block!
End of the first act. Pharrell Williams is puffing like a steam engine heading back. They say Pharrell Williams has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Liver King gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Kevin James sends it wide! Their loaded checkbook wouldn't forgive that either!
Hugh Jackman makes the hockey pass! Natural-born leadership finding the extra pass!
DJ Khaled labors up the court! Trudging like a record producer dragging the raw track!
Liver King fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the bodybuilder gave everything!
Liver King clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Hugh Jackman fidgets with his wristband nervously. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
91-129 (L)
And we're underway! DJ Khaled touches the rock first! This guy with a proven track record looks eager!
Kevin James fires and misses from along the baseline. Should have stuck with the risky picture!
This absolute legend Hugh Jackman commits the 5-second violation! Clock management injury-prone body!
Hugh Jackman gets crossed over! This hall-of-fame lock left frozen from the right corner!
Pharrell Williams, this elite player, barks at the teammate! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Halftime. The doctor examines Kevin James's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Rumor has it Kevin James tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Hugh Jackman with the ugly miss! The film producer touch is absent tonight!
Pharrell Williams asks for the ball to slow the pace! This big-name player needs air!
DJ Khaled forces the pass! Forcing their mixing console where it doesn't fit!
Liver King buries their face! Hidden from view, the bodybuilder can't watch!
Liver King rises up to the tunnel in disappointment. This player nobody saw coming will learn from this.
DJ Khaled shakes Liver King's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
86-116 (L)
This league veteran DJ Khaled catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Liver King can't convert! The bodybuilder's touch with the perfect physique deserted them!
DJ Khaled with the backcourt violation! A record producer going backwards with the raw track!
DJ Khaled fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a record producer chasing the raw track!
Liver King buries it! Sculpting the perfect physique all week, burying shots all weekend!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Kevin James walks head down toward the tunnel. Juicy anecdote: Kevin James was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Liver King dribbles angrily after the turnover! This who-is-this-guy player spiraling!
Pharrell Williams misses the layup! Even the fiery bars would have gone in easier!
This total unknown Liver King attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Kevin James misses from fatigue! This max-contract guy can't get the elevation on the low block!
DJ Khaled shakes hands through the pain! A record producer who respects their mixing console and the game!
Kevin James slams his fist on the bench. Liver King places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Tonight I had a revelation: Liver King runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
102-97 (W)
Hugh Jackman stretches center court! Loosening up, the film producer is getting ready!
This bonafide star Pharrell Williams is automatic off the pick and roll! A catch-and-shoot triple drops again!
DJ Khaled locks down half court! Fortified with their mixing console!
This guy everybody knows Pharrell Williams orchestrates the offense facing the rim! Maestro!
Hugh Jackman reads the defense perfectly! Night-in night-out consistency and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Rest time. Liver King isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. They say Liver King eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
DJ Khaled, this up-and-coming baller, reads the play perfectly and delivers a fadeaway jumper!
Liver King, this player nobody saw coming, plays to the crowd! A Finals-like atmosphere is contagious!
Liver King draws the attention! Magnetic presence, the bodybuilder aura is undeniable!
DJ Khaled, this combo guard, evolves before our eyes! A signature move!
Liver King shakes hands! The handshake of a bodybuilder who respects the perfect physique!
Hugh Jackman does the floss while Pharrell Williams spins like a top. Liver King just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-103 (L)
DJ Khaled, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
Hugh Jackman rattles in and out! The risky picture never teases a film producer like that!
Liver King gets the ball stripped! The perfect physique would have stayed in a bodybuilder's grip!
Hugh Jackman overcommits! Going all-in like a film producer on the risky picture, but wrong!
A tear drop by Liver King at the buzzer! Next-level basketball IQ in every fiber!
Into the tunnel. Pharrell Williams grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Rumor has it Pharrell Williams talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Liver King walks away muttering! Muttering about the perfect physique under their breath!
This global icon Hugh Jackman misses the mark! A pull-up jumper goes begging back to the basket!
This player on the come-up DJ Khaled calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Hugh Jackman misses from fatigue! Tired arms from greenlighting the risky picture all week!
Pharrell Williams walks off in defeat! Even a rapper's skills couldn't save tonight!
DJ Khaled refuses the coach's embrace. Liver King accepts it but his body is stiff. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
84-129 (L)
Kevin James takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Kevin James denied by the basket! Even a film producer can't pry it open!
Liver King dribbles it off their foot! Their barbell rack would never betray a bodybuilder like that!
DJ Khaled gets screened out! Stuck behind their mixing console like it's a wall!
DJ Khaled, this solid build, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Kevin James picks up the pace. Little secret: Kevin James has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
DJ Khaled misfires from mid-range! Their mixing console calibration needed!
Kevin James looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a film producer relieved of their loaded checkbook!
Hugh Jackman with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the risky picture!
Liver King sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a bodybuilder after a long shift!
This up-and-coming baller DJ Khaled stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this up-and-coming baller wanted.
Liver King hurls his water bottle at the wall. Hugh Jackman flinches but doesn't react. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-126 (L)
Kevin James dribbles onto the floor! The crowd roars for this world-class player!
DJ Khaled with the off-balance bank shot! This established player couldn't set the feet!
Hugh Jackman charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
Pharrell Williams loses the battle in the paint! Being a rapper doesn't help you here!
Hugh Jackman can't mask the disappointment! This first-ballot legend wearing it on the sleeve!
Break! DJ Khaled has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Locker room intel: DJ Khaled has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Pharrell Williams goes to work the Wilson into nothing! Tendency to rush on full display tonight!
Hugh Jackman asks for ice! Cooling down, even a film producer's engine needs a rest!
Liver King with the careless pass! Sculpting the perfect physique with more care, please!
This established player DJ Khaled stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Pharrell Williams gave it everything! Everything a rapper has, left on the court!
Pharrell Williams takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Kevin James doesn't drink. Throat too tight. I got a text from Pharrell Williams after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-132 (L)
DJ Khaled announces themselves! The record producer has arrived and the building knows it!
DJ Khaled, this up-and-coming baller, sends the Wilson wide! The touch is off tonight!
Liver King dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the bodybuilder's finest moment!
Kevin James gets blown by! Even a film producer couldn't stop that!
Liver King storms to the bench! This rising star is visibly upset!
That's a cut. Liver King stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Liver King tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Liver King rattles it out! Shaking the gym with their barbell rack intensity!
Pharrell Williams plays through exhaustion! The endurance of spitting the fiery bars daily!
Liver King, this tweener, fumbles the entry pass in transition!
Pharrell Williams kicks the air! The frustration of a rapper who knows they can do better!
DJ Khaled leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a record producer after the raw track setback!
Hugh Jackman closes his eyes walking out. Pharrell Williams keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
76-121 (L)
Pharrell Williams, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! Next-level basketball IQ from the jump!
Kevin James off the back iron! Hard miss, even a film producer cringes at that!
Pharrell Williams with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
Hugh Jackman left in the dust! Even a film producer moves faster than that!
Kevin James tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the film producer will bounce back!
Halftime! Pharrell Williams checks his stats on the board and winces. Small detail: Pharrell Williams wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Pharrell Williams, this certified bucket, with the shot-clock heave! No good from mid-range!
Kevin James is cramping up! This big-name player trying to shake it off! Tendency to force bad shots!
Hugh Jackman double-dribbles! Greenlighting the risky picture doesn't have that rule!
Hugh Jackman storms to the bench! Heated! This film producer doesn't handle losing well!
This certified bucket Kevin James congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this certified bucket.
DJ Khaled pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Liver King takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
84-128 (L)
Liver King, this combo guard, is introduced and the arena explodes! This player nobody saw coming is in the building!
DJ Khaled can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the rock differently than the raw track!
Sloppy handling by Kevin James! Greenlighting the risky picture is done with more finesse!
Hugh Jackman gambles for the steal and pays the price! Lack of consistency!
DJ Khaled drops the head after another miss! Hot head sapping the confidence!
Halftime! Pharrell Williams has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Intel: Pharrell Williams refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Pharrell Williams, this jersey-selling name, with a contested free throw that misses from the right corner!
Liver King waves for a timeout! The bodybuilder needs the perfect physique break!
This absolute legend Hugh Jackman forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Hugh Jackman shakes their head! A film producer who can't believe that just happened!
Kevin James consoles teammates! The heart of a film producer in that moment!
Hugh Jackman stares at the floor while Liver King mutters something inaudible under his breath. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
80-120 (L)
Hugh Jackman comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the film producer means business!
Kevin James can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this certified bucket!
Kevin James loses possession! The risky picture never leaves a film producer's hands like that!
Liver King caught flat-footed! Standing still, the bodybuilder reflexes took a nap!
Hugh Jackman explodes the towel! This certified GOAT candidate showing tendency to force bad shots!
The players head to the locker room. Hugh Jackman is sweating like a racehorse. Confession: Hugh Jackman calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Kevin James misses the open look! This world-class player can't believe it! Heavy feet!
Hugh Jackman, this solid build, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Liver King steps back into a trap! Limited stamina when reading the defense!
Pharrell Williams blows past and kicks the stanchion! This reliable star losing composure!
Pharrell Williams, this bonafide star, takes the loss hard. Lack of consistency at the wrong moments.
Hugh Jackman taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Pharrell Williams walks through the door without pushing it. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-131 (L)
Pharrell Williams starts in the floor general! Playing the floor general the way a rapper plays with their hot mic!
DJ Khaled fades away and fires but misses everything! Hot head tonight!
Kevin James dunks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Kevin James gets posted up and scored on! This certified bucket overpowered!
Kevin James is visibly upset! Upset as a film producer when the risky picture goes sideways!
The players leave the court. Hugh Jackman clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know? Hugh Jackman tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Kevin James can't score in crunch time! This film producer is way off tonight!
Liver King tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a bodybuilder's energy for the perfect physique!
Hugh Jackman, this combo guard, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
Hugh Jackman throws their hands up! Like a film producer when their loaded checkbook breaks!
Hugh Jackman tips the cap to the winners! The film producer's grace with the risky picture!
Hugh Jackman lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Liver King holds his in. Did you know that Liver King practices film producer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-128 (L)
The field house welcomes Kevin James! The film producer with the risky picture has arrived!
Hugh Jackman, this do-it-all player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Lack of consistency!
DJ Khaled, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped back to the basket! Injury-prone body exposed!
Hugh Jackman gives up the easy bucket! Easier than greenlighting the risky picture!
DJ Khaled drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a record producer's spirit has limits!
Intermission. Kevin James dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know Kevin James keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Kevin James can't find the range! Their loaded checkbook has better accuracy than that!
Pharrell Williams struggles in the fourth quarter! The rapper hitting the wall with the fiery bars!
Hugh Jackman passes to nobody! This all-time great with a head-scratching decision!
Pharrell Williams, this combo guard, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
Pharrell Williams reflects on what could have been. Tendency to rush the difference tonight.
Kevin James stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Liver King comes back to get him. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Scooby jews finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Hugh Jackman.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Scooby jews!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Hugh Jackman. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Liver King. The man. Is. A bodybuilder. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A bodybuilder. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their barbell rack and apparently, the technical motion of a bodybuilder and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Scooby jews finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Hugh Jackman.
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