My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | My Team | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Shaquille O'Neal. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 216 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Dragon is on this team. Dragon, who is an amateur and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The girl shows up with bare hands under her arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At her first practice, she tried a crossover and twisted her ankle. At her second, she attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this woman has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-133 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This absolute legend locked in!
Dragon, this swiss-army-knife type, can't finish along the baseline! That one stings!
Dragon passes to nobody! This newcomer with a head-scratching decision!
Jesus Christ watches helplessly! A messiah watching the game fall off the shelf!
Elon Musk, this smooth operator, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Halftime whistle. Elon Musk spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. I've been told Elon Musk always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Dragon air-mails a bucket at the top of the key! Way off for this dark horse!
Elon Musk, this franchise cornerstone, is dragging! The this ball game minutes taking their toll!
This diamond in the rough Dragon with turnover number buckets! Limited stamina is piling up!
Shaquille O'Neal posts up and kicks the stanchion! This franchise cornerstone losing composure!
Shaquille O'Neal reflects on what could have been. Tendency to force bad shots the difference tonight.
Elon Musk refuses Detroit Engine-Roar's handshake. Dragon offers a limp one with just her fingertips. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
108-88 (W)
This absolute legend Jesus Christ comes out firing! A euro-step in the first minute!
Jesus Christ scores from the left corner! An alley-oop with night-in night-out consistency! Brilliant!
Shaquille O'Neal slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Unreal swagger in every step!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, finds the trailer! An and-one off the assist, easy money!
Dragon takes off to the weak side! This diamond in the rough exploiting the rotation!
Break. Jeffrey Dahmer's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know? Jeffrey Dahmer once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Jeffrey Dahmer, this All-Star caliber talent, knifes through for a hook shot on the low block! Wow!
The announcer calls Elon Musk 'The engineer!' the venue roars its approval!
Jeffrey Dahmer plugs the gap! Plugging holes with soldier efficiency!
From their bare hands to a devastating dunk, Jesus Christ's range is unmatched!
Jesus Christ seals the win! Sealed tight, the messiah gets it done!
Jesus Christ hugs the mascot. Shaquille O'Neal hugs the referee. Awkward. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
117-97 (W)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
This undisputed superstar Shaquille O'Neal does it again! A deep three with effortless precision!
This bonafide star Jeffrey Dahmer with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
Elon Musk creates the opportunity! Building something special tonight!
This reliable star Jeffrey Dahmer runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Break! Elon Musk has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Word is Elon Musk sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Jesus Christ carves through and scores! That's what a messiah does best!
Shaquille O'Neal, this household name, plays to the crowd! Immense pressure is contagious!
Jesus Christ shares the ball unselfishly! No ego, just a messiah who gets it!
Elon Musk has found another gear! This certified GOAT candidate shifting into overdrive!
Jesus Christ talks to reporters! Explaining the Spalding like explaining the game!
Jesus Christ and Dragon pretend to fish Jeffrey Dahmer out of the crowd. They pull hard. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
96-108 (L)
Jesus Christ drives onto the floor! The crowd roars for this certified GOAT candidate!
Dragon forces a bad and-one! This raw talent needs to trust teammates!
Shaquille O'Neal with the lazy pass! Occasional mental lapses leading to easy points!
Shaquille O'Neal reacts too late to rotate! Injury-prone body on the help side!
A free throw by Jesus Christ! The building is rocking! This franchise cornerstone takeover!
The locker room fills up. Jeffrey Dahmer has already eaten three oranges. Locker room anecdote: Jeffrey Dahmer talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Shaquille O'Neal misfires from mid-range! Even this generational talent has off nights!
Jesus Christ goes to the post! That messiah strength is showing!
Shaquille O'Neal is gassed! This guy with rings on every finger bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
This rising star Dragon stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this rising star wanted.
Shaquille O'Neal kicks his towel across the floor. Elon Musk has already left for the locker room, alone. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
114-104 (W)
Jesus Christ, this all-time great, embraces the Finals-like atmosphere! Game on!
Shaquille O'Neal crosses over and it's a catch-and-shoot triple! This household name proving the doubters wrong!
Jeffrey Dahmer reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Jeffrey Dahmer draws the double team! Attracting attention, the soldier is a magnet out there!
Break time. Jesus Christ bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: Jesus Christ failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Jesus Christ drills it from along the baseline! That messiah precision with their bare hands pays off!
Jesus Christ tips their shorts to the crowd! The messiah gesture with their bare hands!
Elon Musk runs the play to perfection! Perfection of building the impossible structure!
This raw talent Dragon refuses to lose! The will of a champion!
Jeffrey Dahmer has the last say! Final word from a soldier about the front line!
Shaquille O'Neal rips the net off the rim. Elon Musk wraps it around his neck like a scarf. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
95-117 (L)
And we're underway! Jeffrey Dahmer touches the basketball first! This elite player looks eager!
This jersey-selling name Jeffrey Dahmer rattles it out! So close yet so far facing the rim!
Jeffrey Dahmer with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the front line!
Dragon turns the head and loses the man! This guy nobody was talking about napping defensively!
Shaquille O'Neal with insane court vision finds the angle for a buzzer-beater!
Into the tunnel. Jeffrey Dahmer grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Staff confession: Jeffrey Dahmer is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This big-name player Jeffrey Dahmer gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Elon Musk can't buy a bucket! Maybe the impossible structure would be easier to aim!
Jesus Christ uses a pick-and-roll system brilliantly! Strategy from competing the game!
Elon Musk asks for the ball to slow the pace! This global icon needs air!
Dragon fires away to the tunnel in disappointment. This dude out of nowhere will learn from this.
Jesus Christ turns back to look at the court one last time. Shaquille O'Neal doesn't turn around. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
106-103 (W)
Jeffrey Dahmer sets the tone early! The soldier came to play tonight!
Dragon pressures the inbound! This hungry young player with relentless pure God-given talent!
Shaquille O'Neal forces up a layup over the defense! Limited stamina! Bad decision!
This household name Shaquille O'Neal converts from downtown! A layup right on cue!
This big-name player Jeffrey Dahmer attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Break time. Dragon bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: Dragon got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal with the heroic ball recovery! Preserves the lead!
Jesus Christ swats it away! A commanding rebound with that messiah strength!
The energy in this building is unreal! Dragon channeling a cathedral silence!
Dragon with the biggest play of the game! An and-one from the left corner!
Dragon, this surprise package, embraces the teammates! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Sweet victory!
Jesus Christ and Dragon pretend to fish Jeffrey Dahmer out of the crowd. They pull hard. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
98-102 (L)
Elon Musk lands the first half-court heave! First blood! The engineer strikes first!
Dragon attacks from the left corner and finishes with a buzzer beater! Too good!
This hidden prospect Dragon bites on the fake! Beaten on the low block!
Shaquille O'Neal dribbles but overcooks it! Limited stamina showing up again!
Jesus Christ sparks the comeback! The messiah fire from their bare hands ignites the arena!
Halftime whistle. Jeffrey Dahmer high-fives his teammates on the way out. Did you know Jeffrey Dahmer plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Dragon throws it away with the game on the line! Lack of consistency!
Shaquille O'Neal attacks the towel! This all-time great showing shaky emotions under pressure!
Elon Musk is having a career night! Better than any day with their slide rule!
This certified GOAT candidate Shaquille O'Neal gets called for the charge on the decisive possession! Brutal!
Shaquille O'Neal, this potential GOAT, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Jesus Christ taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Elon Musk walks through the door without pushing it. Did you know that Elon Musk practices messiah on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-115 (L)
Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Dragon posts up but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Dragon throws it into the stands! What was that from this hungry young player!
Shaquille O'Neal gets burned on the drive! Shaky emotions under pressure in lateral movement!
A free throw from Shaquille O'Neal! That's natural-born leadership at the highest level!
Halftime. Jeffrey Dahmer's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Rumor has it Jeffrey Dahmer does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Shaquille O'Neal, this certified GOAT candidate, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to rush causing friction!
Dragon, this combo guard, gets the look facing the rim but the lid's on the rim!
Shaquille O'Neal, this beanpole, exploits the mismatch off the pick and roll! Smart play!
This household name Shaquille O'Neal can't close out! The legs are shot from the left corner!
Dragon pulls up past the media. This raw talent not in the mood to talk.
Dragon takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Jeffrey Dahmer doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
78-121 (L)
This living legend Jesus Christ in the starting lineup! Let's see what this living legend brings!
This undisputed superstar Shaquille O'Neal whiffs on a free throw! The crowd groans!
Elon Musk steps back the damn ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this franchise cornerstone!
Shaquille O'Neal, this walking skyscraper, gets dunked on facing the rim! Poster material!
Jesus Christ, this household name, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
Halftime. Jeffrey Dahmer's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote: Jeffrey Dahmer threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Jesus Christ shoots an air ball in a roaring arena! A messiah lost in the noise!
Jesus Christ bends over during the dead ball! This global icon gathering what's left!
Jesus Christ with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tower, sits down hard on the bench! Shaky emotions under pressure written all over his face!
Elon Musk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the engineer gave everything!
Shaquille O'Neal whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Elon Musk nods without conviction. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
91-105 (L)
The palace of hoops welcomes Jeffrey Dahmer! The soldier with the front line has arrived!
Elon Musk penetrates but it's well off! Ego the size of Texas under fatigue!
Jesus Christ loses the ball! A messiah would never be this careless!
Dragon gives up the back door! Defense that's basically a suggestion when overplaying!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal with a cold-blooded catch-and-shoot triple! No conscience!
Break. Jesus Christ collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know? Jesus Christ has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Elon Musk crosses over angrily after the turnover! This potential GOAT spiraling!
This who-is-this-guy player Dragon shanks a devastating dunk from the left corner! That's uncharacteristic!
Shaquille O'Neal, this colossus, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Dragon grabs the shorts! This hungry young player is running on fumes!
This living legend Jesus Christ shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
Shaquille O'Neal rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Jesus Christ picks up his own and folds it carefully. Evening confession: I'm wearing Shaquille O'Neal's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
86-130 (L)
Elon Musk stretches center court! Loosening up, the engineer is getting ready!
Dragon misses the open look! This guy nobody was talking about can't believe it! Occasional mental lapses!
This headliner Jeffrey Dahmer commits the 5-second violation! Clock management defense that's basically a suggestion!
Elon Musk bites on the pump fake! This once-in-a-lifetime player sent flying in the paint!
Shaquille O'Neal mutters to himself walking back! This global icon fighting inner demons!
Break. Elon Musk collapses next to the vending machine. Confession: Elon Musk tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Dragon, this do-it-all player, gets the separation but can't finish! Ego the size of Texas!
This diamond in the rough Dragon has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This rising star Dragon dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This household name Jesus Christ hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in transition!
Jeffrey Dahmer consoles teammates! The heart of a soldier in that moment!
Elon Musk's lip is trembling. Jeffrey Dahmer dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-116 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal opens the scoring! A deep three! Early advantage!
A catch-and-shoot triple by Elon Musk from way beyond the arc is way off! Tough night for this guy with rings on every finger!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, fumbles the entry pass driving to the hoop!
Elon Musk, this all-around player, lets the shooter get free driving to the hoop! Costly lapse!
Shaquille O'Neal slams the rock in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Halftime! Dragon checks her stats on the board and winces. Small detail: Dragon wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Jesus Christ shanks it from the left wing! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Elon Musk bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like an engineer after their slide rule overtime!
Elon Musk turns it over in beyond the arc! Butterfingers from this engineer!
Dragon gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to rush on full display!
Dragon walks off in silence. This total unknown gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jesus Christ sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Elon Musk has his head in his hands. I learned tonight that Jesus Christ used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-123 (L)
Tip-off! Shaquille O'Neal gets us started! Let's go!
Elon Musk denied by the basket! Even an engineer can't pry it open!
Jeffrey Dahmer with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost soldier!
This franchise guy Jeffrey Dahmer misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Dragon can't mask the disappointment! This newcomer wearing it on the sleeve!
Back to the locker room. Shaquille O'Neal's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Juicy intel: Shaquille O'Neal turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Dragon, this player nobody saw coming, comes up empty! A fadeaway jumper off target from mid-range!
Dragon misses from fatigue! This newcomer can't get the elevation driving to the hoop!
Dragon dishes into a dead end back to the basket! Turnover! Lack of consistency!
Elon Musk stares in disbelief! The look of an engineer who just lost everything!
Jeffrey Dahmer walks off in defeat! Even a soldier's skills couldn't save tonight!
Dragon refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Jeffrey Dahmer watches it and immediately regrets it. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
104-111 (L)
Jeffrey Dahmer, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! Natural-born leadership from the jump!
Jeffrey Dahmer can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the leather differently than the front line!
Shaquille O'Neal tries to be too fancy and loses the basketball! Sometimes predictable game in the decision-making!
This surprise package Dragon commits the and-one foul! Sometimes predictable game in positioning!
Jesus Christ applies the same technique to the rock as to the game. A thunderous slam on the low block!
Into the tunnel. Dragon grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Locker room anecdote: Dragon talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Jeffrey Dahmer walks away muttering! Muttering about the front line under their breath!
Jeffrey Dahmer misses! Even a soldier can't fix that shot!
Shaquille O'Neal reads the defense perfectly! An off-the-charts basketball IQ and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Dragon crosses over but the legs won't cooperate! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Shaquille O'Neal, this global icon, takes the loss hard. Ego the size of Texas at the wrong moments.
Shaquille O'Neal's eyes are glassy. Jeffrey Dahmer mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
My Team finishes #12 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Shaquille O'Neal. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 216 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Dragon is on this team. Dragon, who is an amateur and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The girl shows up with bare hands under her arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At her first practice, she tried a crossover and twisted her ankle. At her second, she attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this woman has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
My Team finishes #12 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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