My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | My Team | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Michael Jordan. Standing at 198 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Adolf Hitler is on this team. Adolf Hitler, who is a soldier and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their service rifle under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
100-108 (L)
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan comes out aggressive! Opens with a free throw from the left corner!
Adolf Hitler launches and misses! The Wilson isn't the front line, and it shows!
This hall-of-fame lock Kobe Bryant dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This household name Michael Jordan can't recover! Scored on under the basket! Injury-prone body!
Adolf Hitler with the smooth sky hook! This certified GOAT candidate making it look easy!
Break! James Harden heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. They say James Harden eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Adolf Hitler slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a soldier hits the workbench!
Adolf Hitler goes 0 for the quarter! A soldier having a rough shift with their service rifle!
Allen Iverson spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
James Harden is gassed! This certified bucket bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Adolf Hitler walks off in defeat! Even a soldier's skills couldn't save tonight!
Allen Iverson has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Kobe Bryant has aged ten years in forty minutes. Tonight I learned Allen Iverson used to be a soldier before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
115-95 (W)
Allen Iverson, this bonafide star, embraces the standing ovation! Game on!
Adolf Hitler turns the paint into a workshop. An alley-oop crafted with their service rifle!
Adolf Hitler deflects the pass and starts the break! This basketball god defense to offense!
Michael Jordan, this certified GOAT candidate, surveys and delivers! Next-level basketball IQ in the playmaking!
Adolf Hitler outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a soldier with their service rifle!
Halftime! Kobe Bryant looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Staff confession: Kobe Bryant is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Allen Iverson blows past and scores! A buzzer beater! This swiss-army-knife type is a problem!
Allen Iverson, this smooth operator, basks in a cathedral silence! This is home!
Michael Jordan blows past the rock with patience! This absolute legend trusting the system!
Adolf Hitler wears the soldier badge with pride and plays with their service rifle intensity!
Adolf Hitler ends on a high note! A soldier who finishes strong every time!
Adolf Hitler and Michael Jordan lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. I learned backstage that Kobe Bryant also does soldier on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
104-91 (W)
This living legend Adolf Hitler opens the scoring! An and-one! Early advantage!
Allen Iverson buries an alley-oop off the pick and roll! This headliner is on fire tonight!
Allen Iverson with the huge defensive stop from downtown! This franchise guy says no!
This world-class player Allen Iverson leads the fast break and dishes! Easy bucket off the assist!
Kobe Bryant, this beanpole, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Freakish explosiveness!
Time to breathe. James Harden has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Little secret: James Harden has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Kobe Bryant, this mammoth, rises above and hammers a buzzer beater!
Adolf Hitler bows to the fans! A soldier bowing after the front line masterpiece!
James Harden, this All-Star caliber talent, communicates the switch! Freakish explosiveness and vocal leadership!
Adolf Hitler pulls up with purpose! Pure God-given talent driving this team forward!
James Harden walks off the den victorious! This reliable star owns this moment!
Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, and James Harden pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
106-103 (W)
And we're underway! Allen Iverson touches the pill first! This jersey-selling name looks eager!
Adolf Hitler switches seamlessly! Versatile as a soldier switching between their service rifle and the front line!
This household name Michael Jordan misfires again! Occasional mental lapses could cost the team!
A pull-up jumper from Kobe Bryant! This household name is putting on a show tonight!
James Harden, this 7-footer, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Break! Adolf Hitler has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Intel: Adolf Hitler asked Philadelphia Injury-Report for their energy drink recipe. They refused. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Adolf Hitler, this compact dynamo, muscles through for a fadeaway jumper in the extra period!
This all-time great Michael Jordan with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
Allen Iverson, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the standing ovation! A Finals-like atmosphere!
Michael Jordan, this titan, with the late-game pull-up jumper! A killer instinct shining through!
Allen Iverson tosses the ball in the air! A primal scream! This world-class player mission accomplished!
James Harden and Kobe Bryant stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. Evening confession: I'm wearing James Harden's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
117-107 (W)
Adolf Hitler huddles with the team! Huddling up, the soldier strategizes!
A euro-step from downtown by Michael Jordan! This tree of a man with the long range!
James Harden, this established star, clamps down on the star player! That dawg mentality on the assignment!
This absolute legend Michael Jordan with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
Kobe Bryant penetrates into the right spacing! Natural-born leadership and elite court awareness!
Halftime! Adolf Hitler is limping slightly heading off the court. Fun fact: Adolf Hitler tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Michael Jordan blows past to the rack for an off-balance shot! Can't contain this oversized freak!
James Harden attacks and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
This all-time great Kobe Bryant claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this all-time great!
Michael Jordan, this mammoth, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this basketball god right now!
That's the game! Michael Jordan finishes with a monster performance! This absolute legend victorious!
Adolf Hitler grabs James Harden and hoists him onto his shoulders. Michael Jordan tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. I learned backstage that James Harden also does soldier on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
99-100 (L)
Allen Iverson, this world-class player, draws first blood! A thunderous slam to start!
A scoop layup by Michael Jordan! The crowd erupts! An unmatched feel for the game personified!
Kobe Bryant, this giant, gets exploited in the switch! Hot head exposed in the mismatch!
Michael Jordan with a rough thunderous slam at half court! Occasional mental lapses at the worst time!
This hall-of-fame lock Adolf Hitler with back-to-back buckets! The lead is crumbling!
Intermission. James Harden dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know? James Harden has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
James Harden misses in the clutch! A euro-step off the mark in the final quarter!
Michael Jordan launches away from the huddle! This living legend in a dark place mentally!
Allen Iverson overcomes the early struggles! This established star rising like a phoenix!
James Harden attacks into a dead end! Tendency to force bad shots in late-game situations!
Kobe Bryant reflects on what could have been. Limited stamina the difference tonight.
Michael Jordan has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Kobe Bryant has aged ten years in forty minutes. Tonight I had a revelation: Kobe Bryant runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
110-93 (W)
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, takes the court! The sold-out gym on fire is electric!
Michael Jordan launches the leather with silky smooth technique. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
This All-Star caliber talent Allen Iverson reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
James Harden, this tower, delivers the entry pass! Beautiful feed into the post!
This max-contract guy James Harden with the savvy veteran play! An unmatched feel for the game experience showing!
Rest. James Harden buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Rumor has it James Harden has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Break's over, the players take their positions.
This franchise cornerstone Kobe Bryant with a picture-perfect pull-up jumper! The crowd goes wild!
The palace of hoops erupts as Adolf Hitler enters! The soldier gets a hero's welcome!
Kobe Bryant, this hall-of-fame lock, rotates on defense! Insane court vision team commitment!
This global icon Kobe Bryant silences the noise! Natural-born leadership locked in! Nothing else matters!
This certified bucket James Harden thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Allen Iverson and James Harden swap jerseys with each other. Makes no sense but it's the emotion talking. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
131-92 (W)
Adolf Hitler checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Michael Jordan with another step-back three! You can't stop this man!
Adolf Hitler goes to work and finds the trailer for a catch-and-shoot triple! Great awareness!
James Harden with the tough sky hook through contact! This big-name player won't be denied!
This generational talent Kobe Bryant comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
Halftime whistle. James Harden high-fives his teammates on the way out. The staff told me James Harden sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
James Harden steps back and fires a scoop layup! This giant lighting it up!
James Harden pulls up and it's too easy! The lead is ballooning! Mercy rule!
Michael Jordan explodes and the shoe flies off! This franchise cornerstone playing barefoot briefly!
Adolf Hitler celebrates with a salute to the fans! Mimicking defending the front line on the court!
Adolf Hitler high-fives the crowd! Those soldier hands spreading joy!
Allen Iverson and Kobe Bryant do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
103-92 (W)
Adolf Hitler opens with a pull-up jumper! This generational talent making an early statement!
A devastating dunk from James Harden! Another dagger! This certified bucket closing the door!
Adolf Hitler contests the shot! Reaching like a soldier reaching for the front line!
Kobe Bryant, this global icon, draws the double and finds the open shooter! Silky smooth technique!
Allen Iverson slows the pace when the team needs it! This franchise guy tempo control!
Heading in. Adolf Hitler's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Little secret: Adolf Hitler watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Michael Jordan, this absolute legend, drops a thunderous slam driving to the hoop! Pure artistry!
This reliable star Allen Iverson has the arena rocking! An electric crowd off the charts!
James Harden dishes the outlet to the young player! This top-tier talent building the future!
Allen Iverson, this tweener, sets the tone with pure God-given talent! Leader!
This potential GOAT Adolf Hitler secures the win with freakish explosiveness! Another one in the bag!
Adolf Hitler and Michael Jordan act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
118-103 (W)
Allen Iverson, this do-it-all player, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
Allen Iverson attacks at the top of the key and finishes with a catch-and-shoot triple! Too good!
Kobe Bryant forces the shot-clock violation! An off-the-charts basketball IQ on full display!
James Harden threads the needle! Beautiful assist at half court! Unreal court vision!
Kobe Bryant reads the defense perfectly! An off-the-charts basketball IQ and a sky-high basketball IQ!
The players head in. Allen Iverson slips on the wet tunnel floor. Anecdote: Allen Iverson slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Kobe Bryant, this towering presence, dominates at half court and puts up a bank shot! Unstoppable!
Michael Jordan soaks in a Finals-like atmosphere! This certified GOAT candidate living for these moments!
James Harden, this elite player, picks up the fallen teammate! A killer instinct beyond the stats!
Adolf Hitler is the protagonist tonight! This living legend authoring a masterpiece!
What a game for Adolf Hitler! Tomorrow's the front line will feel easy after this!
Allen Iverson pretends to plant a flag at center court. Adolf Hitler stands at attention. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
98-96 (W)
The hardwood welcomes Adolf Hitler! The soldier with the front line has arrived!
Adolf Hitler, this elusive guard, blankets the shooter at the buzzer! No daylight!
Michael Jordan fires a buzzer-beater in transition but can't connect! Lack of consistency showing!
James Harden, this reliable star, knifes through for a euro-step from mid-range! Wow!
This elite player James Harden attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Well-deserved break. Allen Iverson looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Exclusive info: Allen Iverson is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Michael Jordan with the biggest play of the game! A euro-step from the right corner!
James Harden with the chase-down sky-high block! What athleticism!
This generational talent Adolf Hitler draws the MVP chants! The crowd is on their feet for the star!
Kobe Bryant, this undisputed superstar, orchestrates the last possession! A bank shot! Perfection!
Allen Iverson, this do-it-all player, celebrates the win! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! What a game!
Michael Jordan points both hands at the sky. Adolf Hitler points at Michael Jordan. James Harden points at the exit. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
109-107 (W)
Adolf Hitler, this scrappy guard, announced to huge cheers! A packed arena!
Kobe Bryant slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Natural-born leadership in every step!
James Harden clanks another one off the rim! This established star needs to find rhythm!
Allen Iverson, this all-around player, showcases next-level basketball IQ with a gorgeous buzzer-beater!
Kobe Bryant, this basketball god, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Halftime. The doctor examines Kobe Bryant's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Anecdote: Kobe Bryant fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Michael Jordan drives for the game-tying pull-up jumper! On the final possession! Unbelievable!
Adolf Hitler forces the bad shot! Their service rifle intimidation factor!
The arena trembles! Allen Iverson with the play and a crowd fully behind them follows!
Michael Jordan, this guy with rings on every finger, with the cold-blooded finger roll along the baseline!
James Harden, this walking skyscraper, acknowledges the fans! A standing ovation! A chest bump!
Allen Iverson makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. James Harden makes a bigger heart. Kobe Bryant makes a massive heart. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
109-110 (L)
James Harden, this world-class player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
James Harden, this giant, uses strength and skill for a two-handed slam! Complete player!
This certified bucket James Harden caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Kobe Bryant misfires from the left corner! This basketball god searching for answers!
Adolf Hitler sparks the comeback! A layup driving to the hoop! This all-time great leads the charge!
The locker room. Michael Jordan sprawls out full-length on the bench. Juicy intel: Michael Jordan turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Allen Iverson with the ill-advised pass in the first quarter! Intercepted!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Michael Jordan attacks with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
Adolf Hitler penetrates but can't score in the first half! Opportunity lost!
This generational talent Kobe Bryant congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this generational talent.
Allen Iverson is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. James Harden waits at the tunnel entrance. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
98-111 (L)
Michael Jordan crosses over into position! This household name not wasting any time!
James Harden, this top-tier talent, with the shot-clock heave! No good under the basket!
Michael Jordan with the lazy pass! Defense that's basically a suggestion leading to easy points!
Michael Jordan overcommits and gets beat! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the play!
James Harden with the and-one pull-up jumper! Silky smooth technique through the whistle!
Break! James Harden takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know? James Harden has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Kobe Bryant can't mask the disappointment! This all-time great wearing it on the sleeve!
Allen Iverson launches a finger roll and... Airball! Sometimes predictable game at its peak!
Allen Iverson, this versatile guy, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Michael Jordan, this all-time great, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Allen Iverson, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
Allen Iverson sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Michael Jordan puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-106 (L)
Opening possession for Adolf Hitler! First touch, like first touch of their service rifle!
Adolf Hitler shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a soldier would cringe!
Adolf Hitler throws it away! A pass worse than a soldier tossing the front line!
Michael Jordan gives up the back door! Sometimes predictable game when overplaying!
What a shot from Adolf Hitler! A soldier bringing their service rifle energy to the venue!
Rest. Kobe Bryant buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Kobe Bryant blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Allen Iverson, this combo guard, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
James Harden spins but it's well off! Shaky emotions under pressure under fatigue!
Kobe Bryant crosses over the ball out of the trap! Silky smooth technique under pressure!
James Harden is cramping up! This certified bucket trying to shake it off! Hot head!
Michael Jordan had the chances but couldn't convert. This hall-of-fame lock left wanting.
Allen Iverson's eyes are glassy. James Harden mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I got a text from Allen Iverson after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
My Team ends the season #5 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Michael Jordan. Standing at 198 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Adolf Hitler is on this team. Adolf Hitler, who is a soldier and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their service rifle under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
My Team ends the season #5 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: Michael Jordan.
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