My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · by Levi Hassan · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | My Team | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Shaquille O'Neal on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 216 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Eminem, his brother-in-law and a rapper by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their hot mic and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Eminem can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the fiery bars to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Let's address the elephant in the room: the budget is OBSCENE. We're so deep into the luxury tax that the team accountant quit, got replaced, and the replacement quit too. The owner doesn't give a damn, he wants the ring and he's willing to burn every last dollar to get it. The result? An absolute dream roster. Every name on this lineup card sends shivers down opponents' spines. It's like playing NBA 2K with the sliders maxed out. It's almost unfair. And tonight, it probably will be.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
93-124 (L)
Tip-off! Joe Biden gets us started! Let's go!
Eminem bricks it! Not the same accuracy as spitting the fiery bars!
LeBron James goes to work the basketball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this first-ballot legend!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over tendency to force bad shots!
Shaquille O'Neal scores at will! A finger roll under the basket! This living legend domination!
Rest. Eminem buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Eminem tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Eminem walks away muttering! Muttering about the fiery bars under their breath!
Shaquille O'Neal takes a tough off-balance shot and it doesn't go! Shaky emotions under pressure in shot selection!
This guy with rings on every finger Joe Biden with the savvy veteran play! Eyes in the back of the head experience showing!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Eminem calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Lack of consistency taking its toll!
Stephen Curry reflects on what could have been. Tendency to rush the difference tonight.
Eminem slams his fist on the bench. LeBron James places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Behind the scenes, I learned LeBron James was also a university professor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
120-75 (W)
Eminem bounces the basketball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
A step-back three from Stephen Curry! This max-contract guy is putting on a show tonight!
Eminem drops the dime! A rapper with court vision like that? Unreal!
Stephen Curry with the tough reverse layup through contact! This certified bucket won't be denied!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, erases the shot at the rim! Rim protector!
Break time. Shaquille O'Neal bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Little scoop: Shaquille O'Neal collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
This big-name player Stephen Curry is automatic from the right corner! A fadeaway jumper drops again!
Eminem and the garbage time lineup! This undisputed superstar can rest easy!
This household name LeBron James runs the wrong play again! Coach is beside themselves!
LeBron James, this towering presence, chest bumps the teammate! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Pure joy!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James secures the win with a killer instinct! Another one in the bag!
Shaquille O'Neal and Joe Biden chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
124-93 (W)
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal in the starting lineup! Let's see what this global icon brings!
This household name LeBron James punishes the defense with a bank shot from downtown!
Shaquille O'Neal, this oversized freak, blankets the shooter along the baseline! No daylight!
This potential GOAT LeBron James with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
Shaquille O'Neal reads the defense perfectly! Ridiculous creativity and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Break. Joe Biden collapses next to the vending machine. Word is Joe Biden sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
LeBron James, this living legend, sinks a fadeaway jumper with surgical precision at half court!
LeBron James, this beanpole, basks in wild stands! This is home!
Joe Biden crosses over the Wilson with patience! This basketball god trusting the system!
A standing ovation for Eminem! The rapper who conquered the court with their hot mic!
Shaquille O'Neal grabs the game ball! This once-in-a-lifetime player earned it tonight!
LeBron James rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Shaquille O'Neal does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
123-98 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal fires up the crowd to open the game! This basketball god starting strong!
What a play by Joe Biden! A hook shot along the baseline! This generational talent is cooking!
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, clamps down on the star player! Freakish explosiveness on the assignment!
Joe Biden with the no-look pass! Challenging the young scholars blindfolded!
Eminem plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a rapper on their best day!
Off to the locker room. LeBron James has already drained two water bottles. Fun fact: LeBron James tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Joe Biden, this tweener, carves up the defense for a reverse layup! Beautiful!
The arena buzzes for Joe Biden! A university professor who electrifies wherever they go!
LeBron James, this basketball god, rotates on defense! Ridiculous creativity team commitment!
LeBron James is inevitable tonight! This once-in-a-lifetime player can't be stopped!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, celebrates the win! A team high-five! What a game!
Shaquille O'Neal makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Joe Biden makes the 'call us' gesture. I learned that Shaquille O'Neal's father was a university professor. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
119-99 (W)
Eminem announces themselves! The rapper has arrived and the building knows it!
A catch-and-shoot triple by Stephen Curry on the low block! Freakish explosiveness in every fiber!
Joe Biden, this tweener, contests everything from the left corner! Pure God-given talent on full display!
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal zips the pass through! Another dime from this mountain of a man!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Break time. LeBron James bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote: LeBron James once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Shaquille O'Neal knocks down a double-clutch layup at the buzzer! Ice in the veins!
Stephen Curry goes to work and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute unit, anchors the second unit! This franchise cornerstone versatile contributor!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this absolute legend right now!
Joe Biden sits on the bench with a smile! This certified GOAT candidate job well done!
Stephen Curry and Shaquille O'Neal swing Joe Biden around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
117-94 (W)
LeBron James, this colossus, sets the tone immediately! Ridiculous creativity from the jump!
A two-handed slam from Stephen Curry! This All-Star caliber talent just keeps delivering!
Joe Biden pokes it away! Quick fingers from challenging the young scholars!
Eminem creates the opportunity! Building something special tonight!
This basketball god LeBron James recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Halftime whistle! Eminem slides down against the hallway wall. Did you know Eminem knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Los Angeles Nursing-Home's colors. By accident, obviously. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Stephen Curry, this established star, knifes through for a scoop layup from downtown! Wow!
What an incredible energy! LeBron James and the fans creating a spectacle!
This global icon Joe Biden unites the locker room! Eyes in the back of the head captain's mentality!
Joe Biden, the university professor from the day shift, is writing their story on the gym tonight!
LeBron James tosses the Wilson in the air! A fist pump toward the bench! This basketball god mission accomplished!
LeBron James and Joe Biden fake a wrestling match. Shaquille O'Neal plays the referee and calls a timeout. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
99-115 (L)
Joe Biden checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Shaquille O'Neal can't buy a bucket! Another miss at half court! Frustrating!
Joe Biden with the backcourt violation! A university professor going backwards with the young scholars!
Shaquille O'Neal, this long boy, gets dunked on the low block! Poster material!
Shaquille O'Neal scores with pure God-given talent. A half-court heave from downtown! Too smooth!
Players head to the locker room. Joe Biden has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: Joe Biden threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
This basketball god LeBron James can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Eminem clanks another one off the rim! This franchise cornerstone needs to find rhythm!
This hall-of-fame lock Eminem attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Eminem grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a rapper finishing the fiery bars!
Shaquille O'Neal had the chances but couldn't convert. This franchise cornerstone left wanting.
Joe Biden claps his hands in frustration. Stephen Curry clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
108-87 (W)
The game begins and Shaquille O'Neal is ready! You can see an off-the-charts basketball IQ written all over his face!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James with a vintage sky hook! The old magic is still there!
This potential GOAT Eminem anchors the defense off the pick and roll! Nothing gets through!
Eminem fires away and finds the trailer for a floater! Great awareness!
Stephen Curry pulls up to the weak side! This bonafide star exploiting the rotation!
First half is done. Eminem is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Confession: Eminem tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. We're back! The players look fired up.
A pull-up jumper from Stephen Curry! This bonafide star reminding everyone why they're on top!
Stephen Curry, this top-tier talent, feeds off every decibel! A roaring arena is fuel!
Stephen Curry finds the open teammate! This jersey-selling name making everyone better!
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal proves the critics wrong! A dramatic twist vindication!
Eminem hugs the coach! This generational talent with a complete performance!
Shaquille O'Neal and Stephen Curry freestyle a victory rap. Joe Biden does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-115 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Joe Biden, this global icon, comes up empty! A bucket off target at the buzzer!
Shaquille O'Neal, this titan, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
Eminem gets posterized! A rapper framed by their hot mic in the worst way!
LeBron James attacks in transition and finishes with a devastating dunk! Too good!
The players disappear into the tunnel. LeBron James asks for an ice pack. Did you know? LeBron James has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Stephen Curry, this bonafide star, refuses to high-five! Sometimes predictable game hurting the chemistry!
A buzzer beater by Stephen Curry from way beyond the arc is way off! Tough night for this max-contract guy!
Eminem baits the defender! Got them hook, line, and sinker!
Shaquille O'Neal, this 7-footer, laboring up and down! Lack of consistency draining the energy!
Stephen Curry walks off in silence. This big-name player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Shaquille O'Neal unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Joe Biden runs a hand down his face. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
116-106 (W)
Joe Biden sets the tone early! The university professor came to play tonight!
Stephen Curry launches through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Shaquille O'Neal with the help-side defensive stop! This certified GOAT candidate always in position!
LeBron James explodes and dishes! Gorgeous feed from the left corner! A gym-rat work ethic!
Shaquille O'Neal, this basketball god, orchestrates the delay game! Pure God-given talent in action!
Coach calls everyone back. LeBron James drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know? LeBron James has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Joe Biden converts the and-one! Tough as challenging the young scholars all day!
Listen to that roar! LeBron James lets fly and the place explodes!
This franchise cornerstone Joe Biden celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
Shaquille O'Neal, this household name, delivers a play that goes down in history! Wisdom and poise!
LeBron James pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This living legend savors the win!
Shaquille O'Neal rips the net off the rim. Joe Biden wraps it around his neck like a scarf. I learned backstage that Joe Biden also does university professor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
115-105 (W)
Joe Biden starts in the leader! Playing the leader way a university professor plays with their lecture notes!
LeBron James goes coast to coast for an and-one! This basketball god is relentless!
Stephen Curry draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
Shaquille O'Neal shoots the damn ball through traffic! What a pass by this franchise cornerstone!
Joe Biden reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this university professor!
Halftime! Eminem has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Locker room anecdote: Eminem talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James with a picture-perfect buzzer beater! The crowd goes wild!
The energy in this building is unreal! Eminem channeling wild stands!
LeBron James, this big fella, repositions on defense! Next-level basketball IQ collective effort!
Eminem's rapper colleagues watch from the stands, the fiery bars banners held high!
Joe Biden celebrates at the final buzzer! Celebration worthy of their lecture notes!
Eminem grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. LeBron James applauds. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
111-100 (W)
Game time! LeBron James and this hall-of-fame lock ready to put on a show at the palace of hoops!
Joe Biden with the step-back free throw! Creating space like a university professor with their lecture notes!
Joe Biden with the textbook defense! Written by a university professor with their lecture notes!
Eminem sets up the easy score! Easy as a rapper setting up their hot mic!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Into the tunnel. Shaquille O'Neal grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Shaquille O'Neal with the crafty bank shot! Iron discipline on display!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry silences the hostile crowd! Immense pressure shifts!
This elite player Stephen Curry dives for the loose ball! That dawg mentality on every play!
Eminem, this do-it-all player, carries the weight of the team on those shoulders!
Joe Biden hugs the coach! The warmth of a university professor who just nailed it!
Joe Biden does a backflip. Well, he tries. Shaquille O'Neal applauds the effort. I learned backstage that Shaquille O'Neal also does university professor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
111-112 (L)
Eminem looks dialed in from the start! Iron discipline preparation showing!
Stephen Curry, this headliner, absolutely nails a layup off the pick and roll! Take a bow!
Shaquille O'Neal falls asleep on the weak side! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
LeBron James dunks the Spalding into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!
Eminem orchestrates the miracle comeback! Miraculous as a rapper saving their hot mic!
Rest. Eminem buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know Eminem plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. We're back! The players look fired up.
Joe Biden can't convert in the first half! This potential GOAT shrinks in the moment!
This undisputed superstar Shaquille O'Neal fouls hard out of frustration! Hot head showing!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, has been building to this all game! At the last second!
LeBron James misses in the clutch! A scoop layup off the mark in overtime!
Stephen Curry, this jersey-selling name, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Shaquille O'Neal chews his nails on the bench. Joe Biden stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Tonight I had a revelation: Joe Biden runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
91-102 (L)
This bonafide star Stephen Curry catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Eminem misfires from along the baseline! This guy with rings on every finger searching for answers!
LeBron James, this long boy, gets stripped from the right corner! Injury-prone body exposed!
Stephen Curry reacts too late to rotate! Lack of consistency on the help side!
LeBron James attacks and converts! A layup from the left corner! Money!
Break! Shaquille O'Neal has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Shaquille O'Neal, this first-ballot legend, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal with a rare miss off the pick and roll! Even the best stumble!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Eminem labors up the court! Trudging like a rapper dragging the fiery bars!
Shaquille O'Neal crosses over to the tunnel in disappointment. This hall-of-fame lock will learn from this.
Shaquille O'Neal closes his eyes walking out. Joe Biden keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. I got a text from Shaquille O'Neal after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-108 (L)
And we're underway! Shaquille O'Neal touches the rock first! This living legend looks eager!
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal muscles up a hook shot but can't get it to fall!
This living legend Joe Biden with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Eminem fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a rapper chasing the fiery bars!
Shaquille O'Neal, this hall-of-fame lock, threads the needle for a two-handed slam back to the basket!
Halftime. Stephen Curry throws his towel on the floor walking in. Rumor has it Stephen Curry has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Shaquille O'Neal, this mammoth, sits down hard on the bench! Limited stamina written all over his face!
Eminem misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the fiery bars!
LeBron James makes the hockey pass! Scary good handles finding the extra pass!
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal can barely jump! The springs are gone along the baseline!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Shaquille O'Neal hurls his water bottle at the wall. Eminem flinches but doesn't react. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
My Team ends the season #6 with a 9W-6L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Shaquille O'Neal on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 216 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Eminem, his brother-in-law and a rapper by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their hot mic and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Eminem can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the fiery bars to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
Let's address the elephant in the room: the budget is OBSCENE. We're so deep into the luxury tax that the team accountant quit, got replaced, and the replacement quit too. The owner doesn't give a damn, he wants the ring and he's willing to burn every last dollar to get it. The result? An absolute dream roster. Every name on this lineup card sends shivers down opponents' spines. It's like playing NBA 2K with the sliders maxed out. It's almost unfair. And tonight, it probably will be.
My Team ends the season #6 with a 9W-6L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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