My dream soccer team — football_team 🇸🇬

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Dennis Bergkamp's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from José Kléberson! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Dennis Bergkamp climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. José Kléberson films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Cafu intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Christophe Dugarry put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Aldair jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Cláudio Taffarel parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Aldair launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Georges Grün throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Georges Grün to Christophe Dugarry, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Christophe Dugarry sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Christophe Dugarry fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Zinedine Zidane throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Zinedine Zidane, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Cláudio Taffarel sparks the transition with a quick throw to Christophe Dugarry, the break is lightning fast. Christophe Dugarry launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Christophe Dugarry was flying. Lightning overlap from Christophe Dugarry, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Christophe Dugarry, José Kléberson receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Cláudio Taffarel palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Cláudio Taffarel has covered seven kilometres already." Zinedine Zidane shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Cláudio Taffarel fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Cláudio Taffarel is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 182, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Cláudio Taffarel comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Roberto Baggio goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Cláudio Taffarel parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Cafu clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Roberto Ayala with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Roberto Ayala to Dennis Bergkamp, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Cláudio Taffarel getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Aldair wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Georges Grün. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Aldair links up with Roberto Baggio, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Zinedine Zidane is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Roberto Ayala clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Aldair! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Christophe Dugarry curls a cross to the near post, Roberto Ayala is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Cláudio Taffarel slides on his knees across the wet turf, Georges Grün piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Zinedine Zidane winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Zinedine Zidane does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. José Kléberson launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Cláudio Taffarel arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Christophe Dugarry sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Christophe Dugarry dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Roberto Ayala arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Roberto Ayala places his header from the cross by Dennis Bergkamp, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Cafu sends an aerial beauty to José Kléberson, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Roberto Baggio, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and José Kléberson is there to gobble it up. José Kléberson drifts just offside as Roberto Baggio plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Aldair to Cafu, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Zinedine Zidane threads the needle between the two centre-backs, José Kléberson bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from José Kléberson! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. José Kléberson takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Roberto Ayala is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Georges Grün, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Georges Grün adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 64, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Roberto Baggio jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Roberto Ayala, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Roberto Ayala, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Didier Deschamps to Roberto Ayala, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Roberto Ayala, José Kléberson receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO José Kléberson! The goal was empty, Aldair puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Aldair slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Aldair slides a beauty through the gap, José Kléberson is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. José Kléberson goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Cláudio Taffarel runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Cafu joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Aldair puts José Kléberson into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. José Kléberson wants to find Zinedine Zidane between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Christophe Dugarry to José Kléberson, they bypass the wall with the combination. José Kléberson shifts it to Roberto Baggio with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Roberto Ayala exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Cláudio Taffarel just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Cláudio Taffarel legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Christophe Dugarry tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Christophe Dugarry presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Christophe Dugarry, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Christophe Dugarry! On the inswinging cross from José Kléberson, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Christophe Dugarry right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Aldair tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Cláudio Taffarel has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Roberto Ayala, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Roberto Ayala! It fizzes between the lines and Georges Grün collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Georges Grün sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Roberto Ayala rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Aldair jumps on his back, Cláudio Taffarel is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Cláudio Taffarel points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Aldair comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Dennis Bergkamp places it inside the post from the cross by Christophe Dugarry, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Dennis Bergkamp mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Zinedine Zidane plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Cláudio Taffarel plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Zinedine Zidane is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Dennis Bergkamp adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Roberto Ayala sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 53, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Zinedine Zidane high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Christophe Dugarry, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out José Kléberson. José Kléberson crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Cafu in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Christophe Dugarry, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Christophe Dugarry pretends to strike and lays it off to José Kléberson, well worked short free kick. José Kléberson takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from José Kléberson! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Cafu on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Cafu picks out Georges Grün with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Georges Grün eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Georges Grün pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Georges Grün finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Georges Grün, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Georges Grün opens up to Roberto Ayala on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Roberto Ayala there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Roberto Baggio, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Cláudio Taffarel grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Roberto Ayala is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Cafu and Dennis Bergkamp, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Dennis Bergkamp spots the gap and sends Christophe Dugarry into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Christophe Dugarry sets it for Cafu, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Cafu slips Georges Grün in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Roberto Ayala lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Georges Grün down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Georges Grün was beyond the last man when Cafu released the pass. Roberto Baggio scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Zinedine Zidane grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. José Kléberson pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Cláudio Taffarel to Cafu, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Cafu to the near post and wins the header. Cafu was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Aldair! Sumptuous header on the cross from Dennis Bergkamp, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Cláudio Taffarel stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Georges Grün comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. José Kléberson reads the movement from Christophe Dugarry and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Christophe Dugarry! On the gift from Dennis Bergkamp, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

José Kléberson stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Roberto Ayala follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Cláudio Taffarel plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Christophe Dugarry shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for José Kléberson. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. José Kléberson looks for Cafu but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Didier Deschamps hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Didier Deschamps loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. José Kléberson is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Roberto Baggio and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Cláudio Taffarel owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 182, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Roberto Ayala leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Didier Deschamps launches it to Christophe Dugarry on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Cafu! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and José Kléberson is away on his own. That is velvet. José Kléberson bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Roberto Baggio triggers a change of flanks for José Kléberson, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by José Kléberson, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Roberto Baggio, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Zinedine Zidane played as a cross, Christophe Dugarry positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Christophe Dugarry, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Cláudio Taffarel! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Dennis Bergkamp to Didier Deschamps, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Didier Deschamps spreads the play and finds Zinedine Zidane in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Zinedine Zidane plays it simple to José Kléberson, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. José Kléberson puts it right into the feet of Dennis Bergkamp, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Zinedine Zidane spreads it to Georges Grün, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Georges Grün tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Georges Grün, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Cláudio Taffarel launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Cafu after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Cafu to Dennis Bergkamp, faster than the opposition can think. Dennis Bergkamp gifts Roberto Ayala a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Cafu and Zinedine Zidane do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Cafu turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Dennis Bergkamp, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Dennis Bergkamp! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Dennis Bergkamp sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Dennis Bergkamp legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Roberto Baggio tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. José Kléberson finds the gap and serves Roberto Baggio in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Roberto Baggio, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Christophe Dugarry does not fancy the shot and goes short to Cafu, trying to disorganise the defence. Cafu beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Cafu rolls it to Dennis Bergkamp, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Dennis Bergkamp and Didier Deschamps blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Cláudio Taffarel eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. José Kléberson pulls Cláudio Taffarel away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Zinedine Zidane takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Zinedine Zidane over the entire defence, Roberto Ayala finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Cláudio Taffarel! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Cláudio Taffarel to Cafu, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Georges Grün wants to push higher. Dennis Bergkamp reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Dennis Bergkamp, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Georges Grün, standing at 184, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Zinedine Zidane is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Zinedine Zidane delivers a tidy ball to Roberto Baggio, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Roberto Baggio that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Georges Grün sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Aldair absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Dennis Bergkamp into Georges Grün, right into the boots. No waste. Georges Grün turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Aldair. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Aldair! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Christophe Dugarry is beside himself. Tidy restart from Cláudio Taffarel along the deck to Georges Grün, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Georges Grün shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

José Kléberson chips his cross over the back line, Cafu is at the far post, free as a bird. Cafu goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Roberto Baggio finds Cafu between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Cafu switches the play to Georges Grün on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Georges Grün dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Georges Grün goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from José Kléberson, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. José Kléberson shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from José Kléberson... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Cláudio Taffarel eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. José Kléberson pulls Cláudio Taffarel away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Roberto Ayala. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Dennis Bergkamp! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Dennis Bergkamp takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Roberto Baggio follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

3-1 (W)

Quick one-two between Dennis Bergkamp and Roberto Baggio, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Ball across the ground from Roberto Baggio, it slides through the entire box and reaches Aldair on the penalty spot. GOOOOAL! Aldair places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Dennis Bergkamp, surgical finish!

Dennis Bergkamp falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Cláudio Taffarel arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Sublime piece of skill from José Kléberson, he controls with his back and spins away. The crowd is on its feet. MAJESTIC GOAL from José Kléberson! He dribbles past half the opposition team and sends the ball into the net. UNFORGETTABLE!

Georges Grün throws himself into a kamikaze tackle and ends up in the advertising boards. The attacker carries on unbothered. PENALTY awarded by the referee! Dennis Bergkamp has been brought down in full stride inside the box. The defender committed the foul, the referee SAW everything. Moment of TRUTH! Dennis Bergkamp converts the penalty with OLYMPIC calm! The keeper went left, the ball went right. GOAL!

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. Roberto Ayala with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Little shift from Roberto Ayala to Aldair, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Killer ball from Aldair through the gap! Dennis Bergkamp bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Aldair plays the simple ball to Roberto Ayala, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Underhit ball from Roberto Ayala, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Zinedine Zidane, you have been outstanding. Roberto Ayala, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." The 58-year-old Didier Deschamps adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Didier Deschamps trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' And they are off! Roberto Ayala touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Stunning tackle by Georges Grün in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Dennis Bergkamp powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Cross from Dennis Bergkamp off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Cafu at the far side.

It's in the back of the net! Lagos No-Carry-Last celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Cláudio Taffarel sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Cláudio Taffarel, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Change of flanks from Roberto Baggio, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Cafu. Header won by Cafu, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Zinedine Zidane picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one.

Corner from Christophe Dugarry and it's absolute CARNAGE in the box, the defense hacks it clear! Georges Grün clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. The lads are taking the game to them, proper front-foot football.

Driven kick from Cláudio Taffarel to Georges Grün, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Georges Grün sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Didier Deschamps. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Didier Deschamps whips in a cross at head height, Zinedine Zidane anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

The corner from Christophe Dugarry is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Aldair boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. José Kléberson launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Roberto Baggio, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Sideways ball from Roberto Baggio to Zinedine Zidane, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Zinedine Zidane tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog.

Victory! Dennis Bergkamp and Roberto Ayala lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Lagos No-Carry-Last have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Christophe Dugarry dinks a lob over the defenders for Dennis Bergkamp, the ball lands like a feather. GOOOAL! Dennis Bergkamp produces an OUTRAGEOUS scissor kick on the cross from José Kléberson! The ball rattles the net, the keeper did not even have time to move! Absolute MASTERPIECE!

It's hit the back of the net! Barranquilla Toque-Toque lead and we look completely lost.

Didier Deschamps plays the free kick as a cross, José Kléberson finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Aerial duel lost by José Kléberson, he jumped too late and the opponent took full advantage. Cláudio Taffarel tips the shot around the post! Strong hand, cat-like reflexes, absolutely MASSIVE.

Zinedine Zidane slides it to Cafu, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Cafu sends Roberto Baggio into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Burst of pace from Roberto Baggio on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Roberto Baggio lofts a cross into the box, Roberto Ayala is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Corner from Roberto Ayala, DANGER! Bodies flying in the box, a defender throws himself at it to clear!

Christophe Dugarry feeds Cafu in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Cafu keeps it short to Christophe Dugarry, no frills, just good football intelligence. Crafty ball from Christophe Dugarry into the gap, Cafu arrives into the space and collects on the move. Cafu peels off his marker too early, he's offside from Georges Grün's delivery. Free kick.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" José Kléberson is livid, gesturing wildly. Cláudio Taffarel chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Dennis Bergkamp once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 183 and 57, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. José Kléberson high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

The press from Dennis Bergkamp pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Dennis Bergkamp pounces. A forced gift. Dennis Bergkamp sends the ball into the stands, miles away from goal. Cláudio Taffarel distributes short to Roberto Ayala, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Georges Grün boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Georges Grün unleashes a raking ball out to Roberto Baggio, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

José Kléberson tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck. Shocking corner from Dennis Bergkamp, doesn't even make the box.

Christophe Dugarry clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Aldair gets across the near post first. Aldair heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle. Roberto Baggio hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Just wide! Christophe Dugarry struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Crossfield pass from Georges Grün to Dennis Bergkamp, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Ground pass from Dennis Bergkamp into the free zone for Zinedine Zidane, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

Dennis Bergkamp goes crossfield to Roberto Baggio, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Roberto Baggio scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Inch-perfect tackle by Cafu, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Cafu to Georges Grün, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Georges Grün floats a cross in from the wing for Dennis Bergkamp, the ball hangs in the box!

Perfect parity. Cláudio Taffarel slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Dennis Bergkamp watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

Everyone has gone up, even the centre-backs are camped in the opposition box. What a HEADER from Zinedine Zidane! The cross from Christophe Dugarry was perfect, he plants the ball into the ground and it is in!

Zinedine Zidane climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. José Kléberson films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

The ball from Didier Deschamps rips through the defensive curtain, Roberto Baggio is flying into the space like an arrow. What composure from Roberto Baggio! On the pass from Didier Deschamps, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

Didier Deschamps runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Dennis Bergkamp joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Instinctive clearance from Aldair who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Free kick to the opponents. Georges Grün caught his man with a stray leg.

Roberto Baggio accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Simulation from Roberto Baggio, and quite rightly the referee shows the yellow card. The ref flashes yellow at Roberto Baggio, that dive was an insult to everyone's intelligence. Roberto Baggio whips the free kick into the box for Didier Deschamps, dangerous delivery!

Cláudio Taffarel sends an absolute rocket towards Dennis Bergkamp, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Dennis Bergkamp spots Roberto Ayala in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Cross from Roberto Ayala, he puts it on the far post for Didier Deschamps. Cross from Didier Deschamps intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Zinedine Zidane. "That is your job. 54 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Remarkable little detail about Christophe Dugarry — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 54 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' The gaffer gives Dennis Bergkamp one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Dennis Bergkamp runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Cross after cross, corner after corner, the defence is creaking. Cláudio Taffarel up with wings on his boots, his team pushing like never before. Aldair rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over. Lovely use of the ball by Aldair, finding Georges Grün in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Smooth transition from José Kléberson to Roberto Ayala, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Roberto Ayala lays it off first time to Christophe Dugarry, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Body feint from Christophe Dugarry, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. No joy for Christophe Dugarry, he tried to go it alone but the defender read him like a book and takes the ball.

Corner from Zinedine Zidane, straight into the mixer! It's a right old scramble, a defender clears off the line! Dennis Bergkamp boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot.

And it's a goal! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Cláudio Taffarel sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Christophe Dugarry photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Georges Grün reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Georges Grün throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Zinedine Zidane is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete. Dennis Bergkamp launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Cafu, it flies wide. Agonising.

Zinedine Zidane plays the one-two with Aldair, give and go, that is absolutely silky! Zinedine Zidane plays it into the channel for Dennis Bergkamp, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Marginal offside called on Dennis Bergkamp, Roberto Baggio's through ball cut the defence open perfectly. Cláudio Taffarel smashes a volley towards Cafu, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Huge aerial duel won by Cafu, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane.

Level. Cláudio Taffarel picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. José Kléberson waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Roberto Baggio gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

Lay-off from Christophe Dugarry to José Kléberson, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. High recovery from José Kléberson who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. José Kléberson takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Christophe Dugarry legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Dennis Bergkamp tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Corner from Didier Deschamps, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Great vision from José Kléberson who switches to Christophe Dugarry. The defence pivots, but they are too late. The overlap from Christophe Dugarry, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Ball loss from Christophe Dugarry in a duel, the defender is stronger and wins it back. Didier Deschamps intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket.

Telepathic pass from Georges Grün to Aldair, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Offside! Aldair was barely ahead of the last man, Zinedine Zidane's ball was inch-perfect too! The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Georges Grün gives it to Roberto Baggio into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Didier Deschamps picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him. Didier Deschamps fires wide, not far from the post though! Long kick from Cláudio Taffarel, Georges Grün positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Magnificent leap from Georges Grün who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Cláudio Taffarel reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Roberto Ayala cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." The entire squad confirmed that Roberto Baggio has a secret Love Island group chat where the 59-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 174, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' Right then, part two. Zinedine Zidane adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Monumental ball from Zinedine Zidane to Roberto Baggio, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Roberto Baggio opens up the space for Aldair with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Incredible burst of pace from Aldair, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Perfect low cut-back from Aldair, the ball slides across the box and Georges Grün just has to finish.

Smooth transition from Didier Deschamps to Christophe Dugarry, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Switch from Georges Grün! The ball arcs over the midfield and Roberto Ayala collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

It's in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Firm pass from Aldair into Cafu, right into the boots. No waste. Poor decision from Cafu on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Georges Grün produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage.

Heroic defending, every ball is swept up with proper concentration. Cláudio Taffarel produces the perfect spread and blocks the strike at the feet! The attacker had nothing. Quick throw from Cláudio Taffarel to Didier Deschamps out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Didier Deschamps senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Extraordinary run from Didier Deschamps, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box.

Nightmare! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Cafu pings a long diagonal to José Kléberson, completely shifts the point of attack. Enormous leap from José Kléberson who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. José Kléberson clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Stalemate at home. Didier Deschamps and José Kléberson embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

3-2 (W)

Lovely use of the ball by Christophe Dugarry, finding Zinedine Zidane in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Zinedine Zidane strikes and the ball thuds off the post with a massive clang. The WHOLE stadium thought it was in! GOAL for Roberto Baggio! On the brilliant delivery from José Kléberson, he prods it into the empty net from 5 yards. Simple, but it is in!

Christophe Dugarry stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. José Kléberson follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Cláudio Taffarel plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Georges Grün anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Georges Grün sees what nobody else sees and puts Didier Deschamps through on goal with a genius through ball. Didier Deschamps pops up like a thief in the box! With the tip of the boot he diverts the ball into the net, GOOOAL!

Georges Grün runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. José Kléberson gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Georges Grün rolls it to Cafu, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. High recovery from Cafu, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Cafu follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Dennis Bergkamp! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Cláudio Taffarel distributes by hand to Zinedine Zidane on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Zinedine Zidane steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Firm pass from Zinedine Zidane into Roberto Baggio, right into the boots. No waste.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Zinedine Zidane gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Zinedine Zidane gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Roberto Baggio is there to meet it. Roberto Baggio just had to stick a foot out, open goal, inch-perfect service from Dennis Bergkamp... and he puts it anywhere but the net. Devastating.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Christophe Dugarry is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Aldair. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." The 56-year-old Cafu has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 176, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' Second half underway and Didier Deschamps is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Didier Deschamps uses Roberto Ayala as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. Didier Deschamps burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Didier Deschamps tries a step-over but the defender is not buying it and wins the ball. Brilliant tackle from José Kléberson! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Massive clearance from José Kléberson, just get the ball as far away as possible.

What a disaster! Rio Malandro FC score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Didier Deschamps sends the free kick in front of goal, Roberto Ayala leaps to try the header. Cláudio Taffarel grabs the cross like he is at the basket. Perfect take, two firm hands. Roberto Ayala sets it for Didier Deschamps, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Ball into space from Didier Deschamps, Roberto Baggio just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. Roberto Baggio strays offside by half a boot on Aldair's pass, brutal decision!

Monster clearance from Cláudio Taffarel, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Didier Deschamps. Didier Deschamps loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation. Diving save from Cláudio Taffarel, he flies through the air and claws the shot away. Superb. Cafu launches himself on the corner from Didier Deschamps and powers a header but it is off target.

Roulette from José Kléberson in a tight space, he escapes an impossible situation with pure elegance. José Kléberson controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner.

They've nicked a goal! Rio Malandro FC catch us cold on the break.

Cláudio Taffarel scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Cafu is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Corner from Christophe Dugarry, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives! Enormous clearance from Didier Deschamps inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. The squeeze is on, they've got the opposition pinned in their own box.

Job done. José Kléberson and Aldair stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Rio Malandro FC's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Sideways ball from Roberto Ayala to Cafu, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Cafu flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Curled effort from Cafu on the pass from Roberto Baggio, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

The goal is shaking, every shot has the crowd on their feet. Didier Deschamps meets the cross from Dennis Bergkamp with a HEEEEADER! The keeper is petrified, IT IS IIIN!

Didier Deschamps runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Cláudio Taffarel tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. Cláudio Taffarel bursts off his line and gathers the cross with both hands. Boss-level take, total command. Cláudio Taffarel rolls it short to Zinedine Zidane into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Zinedine Zidane finds Cafu on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

José Kléberson rolls it to Aldair, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Aldair barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Yellow card for Aldair, the third foul in quick succession. Referee had no option. The wall does its job! Aldair's free kick is stopped dead. Emergency clearance from Georges Grün, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

Disaster! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Cláudio Taffarel. Cafu is on his knees clapping, Cláudio Taffarel is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, José Kléberson. And you, Roberto Ayala. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Dennis Bergkamp attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 57-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Aldair leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Sublime through ball from José Kléberson for Zinedine Zidane who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. José Kléberson threads it through to Zinedine Zidane, but the assistant referee has his flag raised. Offside. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Christophe Dugarry pings a ridiculous diagonal to Aldair. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Cláudio Taffarel goes long for Dennis Bergkamp, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Dennis Bergkamp rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Dennis Bergkamp charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Pull-back from Dennis Bergkamp inside the area for Georges Grün, it is gift-wrapped. Just finish it. WHAT A STOP from Cláudio Taffarel! The attacker did everything right but the keeper pulled off the impossible.

They've scored! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Raw emotion: Cláudio Taffarel cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Cafu crouches beside him and speaks softly. Cláudio Taffarel jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Great vision from Dennis Bergkamp who finds Georges Grün in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe.

José Kléberson looks up and launches a long pass towards Roberto Baggio. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Huge tackle from Roberto Baggio! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Lay-off from Roberto Baggio to José Kléberson, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. José Kléberson puts Georges Grün into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Tight offside call against Georges Grün, the assistant raises his flag. Dennis Bergkamp protests furiously.

The clock is the enemy, every loose touch feels like a disaster. Didier Deschamps lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off! The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

Zinedine Zidane beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Zinedine Zidane drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Aldair read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Aldair lets rip and sends it to the moon. No other way to describe that. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

Share of the spoils. Roberto Ayala walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Christophe Dugarry throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Istanbul Cehennem FK probably walk away happier than we do. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-1 (W)

Blistering run from Zinedine Zidane on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Neat lay-off from Zinedine Zidane for José Kléberson in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. José Kléberson touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Zinedine Zidane scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Didier Deschamps is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Zinedine Zidane takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. PENALTY awarded! Zinedine Zidane enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! GOOOAL! Zinedine Zidane produces an audacious PANENKA! The ball lobs the keeper and trickles in. What NERVE!

Zinedine Zidane mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Roberto Baggio plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Cláudio Taffarel plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

GOAAAL! Milano Piano-Piano make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Cláudio Taffarel hoofs it forward towards Roberto Baggio, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Roberto Baggio fires the ball over to Georges Grün with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Commanding header from Georges Grün who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Georges Grün did not budge an inch.

Corner from José Kléberson, drops short, it's a scrap in there! A defender heads it away in desperation! Almighty boot from Cafu who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Roberto Baggio stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. José Kléberson bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. A scouting report from Aldair's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 61 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' Out they come. Roberto Baggio has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Christophe Dugarry to Dennis Bergkamp, instant return, and Christophe Dugarry is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock. Christophe Dugarry overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Christophe Dugarry tries to power past but the defender stands firm and wins the ball. José Kléberson puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Big clearance from José Kléberson under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

Step-overs from Dennis Bergkamp, the defender has lost the ball completely. VAR would have a field day with that. Dennis Bergkamp clearly dives, no contact whatsoever. Booking for Dennis Bergkamp, cheats never prosper and the ref has made that crystal clear. The wall repels Dennis Bergkamp's free kick! Well organised, well jumped, well defended. Corner from Dennis Bergkamp, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post.

Powerful run from Dennis Bergkamp, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. Dennis Bergkamp tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted.

That's a beauty from Roberto Ayala! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Roberto Ayala hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Cafu sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Cafu covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run. Cafu wants to beat his man but gets closed down by the defender. Back to sender. Interception from Christophe Dugarry who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Christophe Dugarry.

That's what it MEANS! Georges Grün rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Cláudio Taffarel catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Milano Piano-Piano are done. Absolutely done. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Oh that's terrible! Sevilla Olé-Olé score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Zinedine Zidane does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Zinedine Zidane embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. Zinedine Zidane onto the pass from José Kléberson, he spots the keeper off his line and lobs him! GOAL! A finish of outrageous ELEGANCE, the ball clears the gloves and drops in!

Solidarity move: Zinedine Zidane grabs José Kléberson who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives José Kléberson a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Aldair thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Long ball from Cláudio Taffarel for Roberto Ayala who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Roberto Ayala wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Powerful run from Roberto Ayala down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

What a mess after Zinedine Zidane's corner! The keeper flaps, the ball drops, a defender scrambles it away! Dennis Bergkamp launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on.

Dennis Bergkamp swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Roberto Baggio, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Acceleration from Roberto Baggio down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Silly ball loss from Roberto Baggio, the dribble was one too many in that area. Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Dennis Bergkamp, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Dennis Bergkamp takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Unconfirmed reports suggest Georges Grün received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 64-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Cláudio Taffarel is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Christophe Dugarry swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Christophe Dugarry drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like. CRAAACKER from Christophe Dugarry outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Cláudio Taffarel plays it along the ground to Aldair, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Didier Deschamps puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Devastating burst of pace from Christophe Dugarry, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Georges Grün pierces the backline with a low through ball, Zinedine Zidane latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Strike from Zinedine Zidane that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Cláudio Taffarel lumps it long towards Didier Deschamps, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Didier Deschamps slips Zinedine Zidane in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Ferocious press from Zinedine Zidane! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players.

Cláudio Taffarel opts for the short option to Roberto Ayala, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Roberto Ayala powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go.

Wing switch from Zinedine Zidane, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Aldair brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Aldair goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Aldair puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Aldair fires a low ball back across the box for Georges Grün, the defence is caught wrong-footed. Georges Grün fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds.

Lovely use of the ball by Didier Deschamps, finding Zinedine Zidane in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Zinedine Zidane delivers a tidy ball to Roberto Baggio, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Body feint from Roberto Baggio, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Roberto Baggio tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try.

A draw — that grey zone. Roberto Ayala signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Georges Grün adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Superb defensive work from Aldair there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. GOAL! What a LOB from Roberto Baggio! On the pass from Dennis Bergkamp, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Aldair runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Roberto Baggio gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Cláudio Taffarel plays out from the back with Georges Grün, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Brilliant switch of play from Georges Grün! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of José Kléberson. Aerial duel won by José Kléberson, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Cafu launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Clearance from Cafu under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The opponent gets the better of Georges Grün in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football. Lovely claim from Cláudio Taffarel! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Didier Deschamps decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. Didier Deschamps tries to dribble past his marker but the ball escapes him. The defender pounces. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Georges Grün sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Aldair sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Georges Grün nods but does not look up. The 60-year-old Cláudio Taffarel reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 182, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' Second half underway and Roberto Ayala is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Enormous anticipation from Roberto Ayala who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Diagonal from Roberto Ayala to José Kléberson, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Masterful aerial duel from José Kléberson, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. José Kléberson is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while José Kléberson was barely on his way up.

Enormous run from Aldair to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. Aldair brings down the attacker to kill the counter. Cynical, but effective. Aldair is cautioned for a deliberate trip on the counter-attack. Cold-blooded decision. Free kick blocked by the wall! Aldair couldn't find a way through. Corner from Cafu into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away.

Roberto Ayala with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Roberto Ayala gives it to José Kléberson into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Overlap from José Kléberson with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Short build-up from José Kléberson to Cafu, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Massive clearance from Georges Grün in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Aldair spreads it to Dennis Bergkamp, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. A tug on the shirt from Dennis Bergkamp, the opponent can't get away. Free kick.

Roberto Baggio anticipates the run from Didier Deschamps and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Didier Deschamps winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Didier Deschamps rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Dennis Bergkamp. The far side is completely deserted.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Dennis Bergkamp changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Georges Grün. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Georges Grün springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Georges Grün plays it simple to José Kléberson, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Points shared. Roberto Ayala sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Aldair crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

3-2 (W)

Tactical foul by Roberto Ayala, he wraps his arms around the opponent and stops the break dead. The ref brandishes the yellow. Roberto Ayala committed a premeditated foul to stop the fast break. What TECHNIQUE from Roberto Ayala! Free kick curled to perfection, the ball dies in the far top corner. GOAL!

Roberto Ayala kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Cafu takes a knee behind him. Cláudio Taffarel raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Magnificent reading of the game from Aldair, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. One laser pass from Aldair and the entire defence is eliminated, Georges Grün is through on goal. The space is enormous. GOOOOOAL! Georges Grün was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Aldair ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Zinedine Zidane leaps over him. Cláudio Taffarel walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Oh dear oh dear! London Three-Pints score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Cláudio Taffarel slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Cafu photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

High recovery from Christophe Dugarry after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. GOOOAL! Christophe Dugarry pops up at the back post, the keeper was on the floor, he toes the ball in. GOOOAL!

Nutmeg from Dennis Bergkamp on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. Horrific challenge from Dennis Bergkamp! He's absolutely clattered the attacker. That's a booking all day long. Booking for Dennis Bergkamp. Swung his boot at head height, the opponent had to duck out of the way. The free kick is taken quickly, Dennis Bergkamp to Didier Deschamps who drives forward immediately. Short build-up from Didier Deschamps to Aldair, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Christophe Dugarry has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Aldair is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Cafu has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 56, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Cláudio Taffarel is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Little shift from José Kléberson to Roberto Ayala, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Rapid combination: Dennis Bergkamp to Cafu, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Pass into no-man's land from Cafu, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. What positioning from Didier Deschamps! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Didier Deschamps feeds Aldair in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Aldair slides it to Roberto Ayala, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Cafu throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Firm pass from Cafu into Dennis Bergkamp, right into the boots. No waste. Lovely use of the ball by Dennis Bergkamp, finding Zinedine Zidane in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Overlap on the left from Zinedine Zidane, floated cross towards Roberto Baggio who rises highest at the far post. The cross from Roberto Baggio is blocked by the defender who was in the right position. Unlucky.

Oh no, it's in! London Three-Pints punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Cláudio Taffarel plays it short to Didier Deschamps, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Long ball from Didier Deschamps to Dennis Bergkamp, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Dominant header from Dennis Bergkamp on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

Georges Grün cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Solo run from Georges Grün, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. Georges Grün puts the ball right into the path of Christophe Dugarry, played to the inch, the space is found.

Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Shot from Roberto Baggio, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

FULL TIME! Cafu jumps on Cláudio Taffarel's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. London Three-Pints shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.