epic — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | epic | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... Epic! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Michael Jordan on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 198 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Jinbe. The man is a ship captain. A freaking ship captain. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their ship's wheel and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-130 (L)
Jinbe steps onto the den! From commanding the ocean vessel to this, game time!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this combo guard, gets the look but can't convert in transition!
This big-name player Jeffrey Dahmer with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Monkey D. Luffy gets posterized! A ship captain framed by their ship's wheel in the worst way!
Jeffrey Dahmer can't hide the frustration! Their service rifle frustration meets the Wilson frustration!
Halftime. Onix's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote: Onix once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Jinbe can't connect! Their ship's wheel in hand, sure. The damn ball through the hoop, nope!
Monkey D. Luffy is gassed! More tired than after a full day of commanding the ocean vessel!
Intercepted! Jeffrey Dahmer's pass snatched right out of the air! A soldier would never be that careless!
Monkey D. Luffy slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a ship captain hits the workbench!
Monkey D. Luffy leaves the gym quietly! Quiet as a ship captain after the ocean vessel setback!
Monkey D. Luffy bites the inside of his cheek. Jinbe pinches the bridge of his nose. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
116-107 (W)
Monkey D. Luffy, this versatile guy, is introduced and the arena explodes! This hidden prospect is in the building!
Michael Jordan with the tough catch-and-shoot triple through contact! This all-time great won't be denied!
Monkey D. Luffy picks their pocket! A ship captain with quick hands knows how to handle thieves!
Jeffrey Dahmer threads the needle! Precision of their service rifle through the front line!
Jeffrey Dahmer drives with purpose every possession! This franchise guy chess master!
Well-deserved break. Michael Jordan looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Did you know? Michael Jordan tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Monkey D. Luffy finishes the fast break! Sprinting like a ship captain who's running late!
Jeffrey Dahmer goes to work and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, rotates on defense! That dawg mentality team commitment!
The arc of this game bends toward Monkey D. Luffy! This dark horse controlling destiny!
Michael Jordan, this titan, salutes the faithful! A salute to the fans! What a night!
Monkey D. Luffy does a handstand. Jinbe holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
101-110 (L)
Onix, this solid build, sets the tone immediately! Silky smooth technique from the jump!
Jeffrey Dahmer launches a fadeaway jumper and... Airball! Hot head at its peak!
Jeffrey Dahmer trips up in the center circle! A soldier never trips at work... Right?
Onix gambles for the steal and pays the price! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Jeffrey Dahmer scores with their service rifle, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
The players leave the court. Monkey D. Luffy clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know? Monkey D. Luffy once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. We're back! The players look fired up.
Jinbe, this newcomer, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to rush in tough moments!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this do-it-all player, wastes a golden chance with a wild step-back three!
Jeffrey Dahmer changes the defensive scheme! Strategic mind of a soldier!
Michael Jordan, this basketball god, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Onix, this total unknown, takes the loss hard. Sometimes predictable game at the wrong moments.
Jinbe sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Monkey D. Luffy puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
101-110 (L)
Onix, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! An electric crowd!
Monkey D. Luffy takes off the leather into nothing! Occasional mental lapses on full display tonight!
Jinbe attacks the damn ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this newcomer!
Jinbe can't contain the drive! Commanding the ocean vessel is more containable!
Monkey D. Luffy steps back from way beyond the arc with the same confidence they bring to commanding the ocean vessel.
Halftime whistle. Jinbe flops into the first available chair. Word is Jinbe sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Monkey D. Luffy slams the damn ball in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Monkey D. Luffy steps back but it's well off! Lack of consistency under fatigue!
Jeffrey Dahmer outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a soldier with their service rifle!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, laboring up and down! Tendency to force bad shots draining the energy!
Jeffrey Dahmer sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a soldier after their service rifle broke!
Jeffrey Dahmer punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Michael Jordan slides down the wall to the floor. Tonight I had a revelation: Michael Jordan runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
107-115 (L)
Jeffrey Dahmer checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Michael Jordan with the contested free throw from downtown! No good! Bad selection!
Michael Jordan dribbles carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this smooth operator, gets dunked on at the buzzer! Poster material!
Jeffrey Dahmer converts a tough deep three from mid-range! Skill level: elite!
Coach calls everyone back. Jeffrey Dahmer drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know Jeffrey Dahmer knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Phoenix No-Defense's colors. By accident, obviously. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Monkey D. Luffy throws their hands up! Like a ship captain when their ship's wheel breaks!
Jinbe clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their ship's wheel hitting the ocean vessel!
Michael Jordan sets the screen at the perfect angle! This generational talent cerebral play!
Michael Jordan, this first-ballot legend, sucking wind after that sprint! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of battle!
Jinbe vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their ship's wheel reinforced with the ocean vessel!
Onix collapses into the first available chair. Jinbe stays standing, eyes glazed over. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
100-115 (L)
Jeffrey Dahmer stretches center court! Loosening up, the soldier is getting ready!
Onix with a rough floater at the top of the key! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
This player nobody saw coming Onix gets pickpocketed on the low block! Sloppy handling!
Monkey D. Luffy left in the dust! Even a ship captain moves faster than that!
Monkey D. Luffy with a devastating dunk off the pick! Using screens better than most pros!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Monkey D. Luffy to massage his thighs. Confession: Monkey D. Luffy believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
This living legend Michael Jordan slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Jeffrey Dahmer just barely misses! Close as a soldier getting the front line almost right!
This unknown gem Jinbe attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Monkey D. Luffy plays through exhaustion! The endurance of commanding the ocean vessel daily!
Monkey D. Luffy consoles teammates! The heart of a ship captain in that moment!
Jeffrey Dahmer presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Onix walks right past without noticing. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
81-113 (L)
Jinbe gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a ship captain on day one!
Onix fires a buzzer-beater at half court but can't connect! Lack of consistency showing!
Onix, this solid build, fumbles the entry pass from way beyond the arc!
Michael Jordan overcommits and gets beat! Occasional mental lapses when reading the play!
Michael Jordan, this living legend, refuses to high-five! Sometimes predictable game hurting the chemistry!
Halftime! Jinbe is limping slightly heading off the court. They say Jinbe eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Jinbe, this all-around player, can't finish from the right corner! That one stings!
Jeffrey Dahmer bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a soldier after their service rifle overtime!
Jeffrey Dahmer throws it away! A pass worse than a soldier tossing the front line!
Michael Jordan picks up the second technical! This generational talent ejected! Injury-prone body!
Monkey D. Luffy walks off in defeat! Even a ship captain's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jeffrey Dahmer watches the crowd file out in silence. Michael Jordan prefers not to look. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
93-101 (L)
Michael Jordan dunks with energy from the opening whistle! This undisputed superstar locked in!
Onix with a wild attempt! This rising star not finding the range tonight!
Monkey D. Luffy dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the ship captain's finest moment!
Jeffrey Dahmer gives up the back door! Shaky emotions under pressure when overplaying!
This basketball god Michael Jordan does it again! A reverse layup with effortless precision!
Halftime whistle. Michael Jordan flops into the first available chair. Rumor has it Michael Jordan does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Monkey D. Luffy, this potential breakout star, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
A half-court heave by Jeffrey Dahmer at half court is way off! Tough night for this certified bucket!
Jeffrey Dahmer triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with soldier urgency!
Michael Jordan bends over during the dead ball! This living legend gathering what's left!
This rising star Jinbe leaves the field house with head held high. Fought to the end.
Jeffrey Dahmer collapses into the first available chair. Michael Jordan stays standing, eyes glazed over. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
107-105 (W)
This player nobody saw coming Monkey D. Luffy catches the basketball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Michael Jordan, this tower, covers ground to get the defensive rebound! Wow!
Onix, this do-it-all player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Injury-prone body!
This who-is-this-guy player Monkey D. Luffy with a beautiful reverse layup at the top of the key! Poetry in motion!
Jeffrey Dahmer runs the offense! Running it like a soldier runs the show!
That's a cut. Jinbe stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know Jinbe plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Monkey D. Luffy, this tweener, hits the big shot! On the final possession! That's a closer!
Jinbe alters the shot! Bending the play to their will, pure ship captain power!
Michael Jordan in a crowd fully behind them! This undisputed superstar has been waiting for this stage!
Monkey D. Luffy with the money shot! Worth its weight in their ship's wheel!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Jeffrey Dahmer and Michael Jordan act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. I learned that Jeffrey Dahmer's father was a soldier. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
112-104 (W)
This rising star Jinbe means business! Fast start on the low block!
A sky hook from Michael Jordan! Another dagger! This franchise cornerstone closing the door!
Monkey D. Luffy slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! An unmatched feel for the game in every step!
Jeffrey Dahmer dishes through traffic! Threading the needle like a pro!
Jinbe uses that ship captain IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
End of the first act. Jinbe is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Small detail: Jinbe wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Jeffrey Dahmer drops a deep three from the top of the key! Range that would impress any soldier!
The crowd collectively holds its breath for Jinbe's shot! You could hear a pin drop!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan dives for the loose ball! Freakish explosiveness on every play!
The legend of Michael Jordan grows! This global icon adding another chapter back to the basket!
Jeffrey Dahmer penetrates to the crowd! A victory dance! This world-class player gave everything!
Jeffrey Dahmer and Monkey D. Luffy form a tunnel for Michael Jordan to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
108-117 (L)
Michael Jordan, this household name, draws first blood! A euro-step to start!
Jeffrey Dahmer whiffs on the jumper! A soldier off their game with their service rifle!
This generational talent Michael Jordan with turnover number lengths ahead! Injury-prone body is piling up!
This player nobody saw coming Jinbe commits the and-one foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in positioning!
Michael Jordan attacks off the pick and roll and finishes with a scoop layup! Too good!
Halftime. The doctor examines Jeffrey Dahmer's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know Jeffrey Dahmer knits to unwind? Made a scarf in New York Over-Timers's colors. By accident, obviously. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
This raw talent Monkey D. Luffy throws an elbow in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Michael Jordan misfires in the paint! Even this household name has off nights!
Onix, this rising star, manipulates the defense with the eyes! That dawg mentality!
Jinbe, this smooth operator, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Jeffrey Dahmer absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a soldier knows tough days!
Jeffrey Dahmer leaves the court at a jog. Michael Jordan stays there, planted at center court, motionless. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-119 (L)
The game begins and Monkey D. Luffy is ready! You can see an unmatched feel for the game written all over his face!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this multi-time All-Star, comes up empty! A layup off target under the basket!
Jeffrey Dahmer dribbles it off their foot! Their service rifle would never betray a soldier like that!
This elite player Jeffrey Dahmer fouls reaching in! Tendency to force bad shots on defense!
Onix, this hungry young player, yells at the coaching staff! Defense that's basically a suggestion causing friction!
Cut! Halftime. Jeffrey Dahmer's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Anecdote: Jeffrey Dahmer slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Jinbe, this all-around player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Tendency to rush!
Michael Jordan pulls up sluggishly! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up with this global icon!
Michael Jordan throws it into the stands! What was that from this hall-of-fame lock!
Jeffrey Dahmer shoots the towel! This world-class player showing sometimes predictable game!
Onix walks off in silence. This rising star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jeffrey Dahmer whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Michael Jordan nods without conviction. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
75-119 (L)
Jinbe wins the opening tip! Tipping off with ship captain energy!
Michael Jordan, this absolute legend, with the shot-clock heave! No good from mid-range!
Michael Jordan dishes into a dead end facing the rim! Turnover! Tendency to rush!
Michael Jordan gets burned on the drive! Tendency to force bad shots in lateral movement!
This rising star Onix fouls hard out of frustration! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Jinbe picks up the pace. Intel: Jinbe refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Jeffrey Dahmer with the off-balance euro-step! This top-tier talent couldn't set the feet!
This hidden prospect Monkey D. Luffy signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Lack of consistency!
Jeffrey Dahmer commits the live-ball turnover! Their service rifle would be ashamed!
Jinbe walks away muttering! Muttering about the ocean vessel under their breath!
Jeffrey Dahmer sits alone on the bench. This franchise guy processing the defeat.
Jeffrey Dahmer rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Michael Jordan picks up his own and folds it carefully. I learned tonight that Jeffrey Dahmer used to be a soldier. That explains the unique running style. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-120 (L)
This surprise package Onix gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This rising star Jinbe rattles it out! So close yet so far on the low block!
Stolen from Jinbe! A ship captain who let it slip through their fingers!
Jinbe gets screened out of the play! This hidden prospect lost in traffic!
This all-time great Michael Jordan can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Jeffrey Dahmer walks head down toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Jeffrey Dahmer once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jeffrey Dahmer misses the open look! A soldier never misses the front line... But misses the basketball!
This who-is-this-guy player Onix has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Monkey D. Luffy goes to work into a trap! Occasional mental lapses when reading the defense!
Jinbe kicks the air! The frustration of a ship captain who knows they can do better!
Jinbe hangs their head! A ship captain who gave everything they had!
Michael Jordan walks toward the tunnel without a word. Onix stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
89-133 (L)
Monkey D. Luffy, this potential breakout star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jinbe can't convert! The ship captain's touch with the ocean vessel deserted them!
Onix, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the Spalding!
Michael Jordan lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this household name fooled!
Michael Jordan mutters to himself walking back! This first-ballot legend fighting inner demons!
Halftime. Onix is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know Onix started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Michael Jordan forces a bad layup! This all-time great needs to trust teammates!
Jinbe is running on fumes! The ship captain tank is completely empty!
Michael Jordan, this tower, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted facing the rim!
Jeffrey Dahmer mouths off in the money time! A soldier venting about the front line!
Onix crosses over to the tunnel in disappointment. This potential breakout star will learn from this.
Onix walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Jinbe drags one foot after the other. Evening confession: I'm wearing Onix's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
epic finishes #15 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season Journal
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... Epic!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Michael Jordan on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 198 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Jinbe. The man is a ship captain. A freaking ship captain. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their ship's wheel and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.
The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
epic finishes #15 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
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