My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Kobe Bryant. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 198 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Lionel Messi. Profession? Association football player. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with their football boots, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the winning goal could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. The budget is like the guy who goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, orders one entree and splits the dessert. It's not poverty, but it's not the high life either. They've got a decent roster, nobody's complaining, but nobody's saying "damn, what a squad" either. Solid without being spectacular. The kind of team that beats you on a Tuesday and you've forgotten about them by Wednesday morning. But underestimate them and they'll make you pay.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-121 (L)
George Washington, this lightning-quick little man, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
Kobe Bryant fires away the basketball right into the defender's hands! Heavy feet!
Kobe Bryant dunks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Lionel Messi loses their assignment! Like losing their football boots in the workshop!
Bo Jackson slams the leather in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Halftime whistle! Kobe Bryant grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Fun fact: Kobe Bryant got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
George Washington misses the layup! Even the stubborn soil would have gone in easier!
George Washington blows past a step slower than usual! Shaky emotions under pressure in the tank!
Bo Jackson steps back into a dead end from way beyond the arc! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots!
This certified bucket Stephen Curry shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Lionel Messi sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an association football player after their football boots broke!
Kobe Bryant pulls his cap down over his eyes. Bo Jackson doesn't have a cap, and it shows. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
120-95 (W)
Lionel Messi, this first-ballot legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
George Washington with a catch-and-shoot triple in the paint! Cultivating the stubborn soil in tight spaces!
Lionel Messi denies the pass! Their football boots interception skills on full display!
This once-in-a-lifetime player George Washington leads the fast break and dishes! Easy bucket off the assist!
Lionel Messi overloads one side! Loading up with association football player strategy!
Off to the locker room. George Washington has already drained two water bottles. Confession: George Washington calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
George Washington explodes the Wilson into a pull-up jumper! An unmatched feel for the game shining through!
The crowd chants George Washington's name! A hostile crowd for the farmer with the seed dibber!
George Washington motivates from the floor! Motivation of a farmer who refuses to lose!
George Washington lets fly with purpose! Ridiculous creativity driving this team forward!
Lionel Messi clocks out from the venue! End of the their football boots shift!
Lionel Messi and George Washington run circles around Kobe Bryant who doesn't move. Zen. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
81-114 (L)
Bo Jackson takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
George Washington goes 0 for the quarter! A farmer having a rough shift with the seed dibber!
Lionel Messi turns it over at with seconds left on the clock! An association football player dropping their football boots at the worst time!
Kobe Bryant, this giant, fouls unnecessarily from way beyond the arc! Sometimes predictable game!
This undisputed superstar George Washington throws an elbow in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Back in the locker room, George Washington sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know George Washington entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
This franchise cornerstone Lionel Messi short-arms a free throw from downtown! Not enough lift!
George Washington stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a farmer over the stubborn soil!
Bo Jackson, this smooth operator, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to rush when protecting the damn ball!
Stephen Curry dishes and kicks the stanchion! This All-Star caliber talent losing composure!
This dark horse Bo Jackson leaves the field house with head held high. Fought to the end.
Lionel Messi's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Bo Jackson breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
100-121 (L)
George Washington, this global icon, draws first blood! A catch-and-shoot triple to start!
Lionel Messi misses the open look! An association football player never misses the winning goal... But misses the leather!
George Washington, this low-to-the-ground speedster, fumbles the entry pass in the paint!
Kobe Bryant overcommits and gets beat! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the play!
George Washington, this undersized dog, elevates for a monster bank shot!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Bo Jackson picks up the pace. Anecdote of the day: Bo Jackson forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Lionel Messi storms to the bench! This certified GOAT candidate is visibly upset!
This player nobody saw coming Bo Jackson rattles it out! So close yet so far at the buzzer!
George Washington plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a farmer on their best day!
Kobe Bryant lets fly sluggishly! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up with this first-ballot legend!
Lionel Messi packs up and heads out! Packing their football boots, unpacking emotions!
Stephen Curry stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Bo Jackson comes back to get him. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
97-127 (L)
Tip-off! Bo Jackson gets us started! Let's go!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kobe Bryant shanks a sky hook from downtown! That's uncharacteristic!
Kobe Bryant passes to nobody! This guy with rings on every finger with a head-scratching decision!
Bo Jackson gets caught flat-footed! This unknown gem beaten to the spot!
Bo Jackson, this all-around player, takes over from mid-range. An and-one! That's elite!
Break! Bo Jackson grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Exclusive info: Bo Jackson is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Bo Jackson gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Stephen Curry dunks but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
Lionel Messi reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this association football player!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, looks exhausted from the left corner! The legs are gone!
Stephen Curry, this max-contract guy, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Lionel Messi collapses into the first available chair. Kobe Bryant stays standing, eyes glazed over. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
104-121 (L)
This living legend Kobe Bryant comes out aggressive! Opens with a free throw from the left corner!
A buzzer beater from Stephen Curry sails wide! This world-class player needs to regroup!
Lionel Messi with the careless pass! Scoring the winning goal with more care, please!
Bo Jackson, this versatile guy, can't keep up with the speed! Limited stamina exposed!
Kobe Bryant attacks and fires a devastating dunk! This beanpole lighting it up!
That's a wrap for now. Stephen Curry dives into the tunnel. The staff told me Stephen Curry sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
This dude out of nowhere Bo Jackson gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Kobe Bryant, this undisputed superstar, comes up empty! A deep three off target from way beyond the arc!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Next-level basketball IQ!
George Washington waves for a timeout! The farmer needs the stubborn soil break!
Bo Jackson sits alone on the bench. This guy nobody was talking about processing the defeat.
Stephen Curry and Lionel Messi walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
86-127 (L)
Kobe Bryant fires away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this generational talent!
Lionel Messi launches the basketball into nothing! Lack of consistency on full display tonight!
Kobe Bryant coughs up the rock! Sometimes predictable game strikes again on the low block!
Stephen Curry gets burned on the drive! Ego the size of Texas in lateral movement!
Kobe Bryant dunks the towel! This all-time great showing sometimes predictable game!
Off to the locker room. Lionel Messi has already drained two water bottles. Exclusive: Lionel Messi was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
A two-handed slam from Lionel Messi hits the iron! Tendency to force bad shots under the spotlight!
This established star Stephen Curry signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Occasional mental lapses!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
George Washington slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a farmer hits the workbench!
Bo Jackson walks off in silence. This diamond in the rough gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Bo Jackson kicks his towel across the floor. Stephen Curry has already left for the locker room, alone. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
88-122 (L)
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, is introduced and the arena explodes! This All-Star caliber talent is in the building!
Stephen Curry drives the leather but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This raw talent Bo Jackson dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This undisputed superstar George Washington can't recover! Scored on from mid-range! Tendency to rush!
This hidden prospect Bo Jackson can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Into the tunnel. Kobe Bryant grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Little scoop: Kobe Bryant tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Lionel Messi gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the association football player touch can't save that one!
Lionel Messi, this little thunder, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
George Washington double-dribbles! Cultivating the stubborn soil doesn't have that rule!
George Washington stares in disbelief! The look of a farmer who just lost everything!
This world-class player Stephen Curry tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Stephen Curry has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Bo Jackson has aged ten years in forty minutes. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
93-124 (L)
George Washington announces themselves! The farmer has arrived and the building knows it!
Stephen Curry can't buy a bucket! Another miss back to the basket! Frustrating!
Stephen Curry spins the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this multi-time All-Star!
George Washington, this undersized dog, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over hot head!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, posts up and delivers an and-one! Textbook!
Break. George Washington asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Anecdote: George Washington tried to impress the Houston Blast-Off players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Lionel Messi, this once-in-a-lifetime player, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
Bo Jackson goes to work but overcooks it! Tendency to rush showing up again!
This living legend Kobe Bryant calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Stephen Curry takes off but the legs won't cooperate! Injury-prone body catching up!
George Washington tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we cultivates better, like the stubborn soil!'
George Washington replays the score in his head on a loop. Lionel Messi tries to think about something else. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
102-107 (L)
And we're underway! Kobe Bryant touches the ball first! This global icon looks eager!
Bo Jackson, this rising star, operates from way beyond the arc with a deep three! Clinic!
Bo Jackson turns the head and loses the man! This unknown gem napping defensively!
George Washington shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a farmer would cringe!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry ignites the rally! The deficit is shrinking!
End of the first half. Stephen Curry is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Stephen Curry blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Bo Jackson posts up but can't score in the first half! Opportunity lost!
Kobe Bryant shoots away from the huddle! This living legend in a dark place mentally!
George Washington, the farmer from the day shift, is writing their story on the venue tonight!
Kobe Bryant misfires on the potential dagger! This global icon lets them off the hook!
This hidden prospect Bo Jackson congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this hidden prospect.
George Washington's complexion is grey. Lionel Messi's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-112 (L)
George Washington wins the opening tip! Tipping off with farmer energy!
Lionel Messi air-mails a devastating dunk back to the basket! Way off for this living legend!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry commits the offensive foul! Turnover under the basket!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, lets the shooter get free facing the rim! Costly lapse!
A finger roll from Stephen Curry! This established star is putting on a show tonight!
Cut! Halftime. Kobe Bryant's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Exclusive: Kobe Bryant was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Lionel Messi throws their hands up! Like an association football player when their football boots breaks!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, bobbles the orange and the chance evaporates on the low block!
Lionel Messi runs the offense! Running it like an association football player runs the show!
George Washington plays through exhaustion! The endurance of cultivating the stubborn soil daily!
Bo Jackson goes to work to the tunnel in disappointment. This surprise package will learn from this.
Stephen Curry avoids the cameras like the plague. George Washington gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-126 (L)
Bo Jackson looks dialed in from the start! A gym-rat work ethic preparation showing!
Bo Jackson fades away but it's well off! Defense that's basically a suggestion under fatigue!
Bo Jackson with the backcourt violation! This total unknown under too much pressure!
This certified GOAT candidate Lionel Messi caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, refuses to high-five! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the chemistry!
Halftime whistle! George Washington grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Fun fact: George Washington tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Lionel Messi, this little thunder, can't finish back to the basket! That one stings!
George Washington is cramping up! This first-ballot legend trying to shake it off! Injury-prone body!
Bo Jackson, this do-it-all player, gets stripped at the buzzer! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
This global icon Kobe Bryant fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
Stephen Curry pulls up past the media. This multi-time All-Star not in the mood to talk.
Lionel Messi stares at the floor while Kobe Bryant mutters something inaudible under his breath. I learned tonight that Lionel Messi used to be an association football player. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
94-129 (L)
Kobe Bryant, this mountain of a man, takes the court! The palpable tension is electric!
A hook shot attempt by George Washington falls short! Limited stamina in the legs!
This diamond in the rough Bo Jackson with turnover number lengths ahead! Lack of consistency is piling up!
Stephen Curry bites on the pump fake! This guy everybody knows sent flying in the paint!
Kobe Bryant, this towering presence, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
Halftime whistle. Lionel Messi has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Fun fact: Lionel Messi blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
George Washington fires and misses at the top of the key. Should have stuck with the stubborn soil!
This unknown gem Bo Jackson can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Stephen Curry with a wild pass that sails out! This bonafide star giving it away!
Kobe Bryant, this big fella, shows negative body language! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Lionel Messi shakes hands through the pain! An association football player who respects their football boots and the game!
Bo Jackson sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Lionel Messi has his head in his hands. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
81-120 (L)
Bo Jackson opens with a reverse layup! This raw talent making an early statement!
Lionel Messi rattles it out! Shaking the hardwood with their football boots intensity!
George Washington charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Lionel Messi lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this franchise cornerstone fooled!
Bo Jackson, this who-is-this-guy player, with the frustrated foul! Injury-prone body in tough moments!
Break! Lionel Messi takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. True story: Lionel Messi had his parking spot stolen by San Antonio Skyscrapers's mascot. Still talks about it. We're back! The players look fired up.
Kobe Bryant, this hall-of-fame lock, with a contested step-back three that misses off the pick and roll!
Bo Jackson, this hidden prospect, is dragging! The this ball game minutes taking their toll!
Stephen Curry with the errant pass! This bonafide star needs to settle down!
Lionel Messi mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
This basketball god George Washington shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to rush proved costly.
Kobe Bryant shakes George Washington's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
90-134 (L)
Bo Jackson fires up the crowd to open the game! This surprise package starting strong!
This all-time great Kobe Bryant misfires again! Shaky emotions under pressure could cost the team!
Kobe Bryant tries to be too fancy and loses the leather! Hot head in the decision-making!
Lionel Messi can't contain the drive! Scoring the winning goal is more containable!
George Washington glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this farmer!
Halftime. Kobe Bryant glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Rumor has it Kobe Bryant does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Kobe Bryant fires a pull-up jumper along the baseline but can't connect! Tendency to rush showing!
Bo Jackson bends over during the dead ball! This raw talent gathering what's left!
George Washington trips up in the center circle! A farmer never trips at work... Right?
George Washington storms to the bench! Heated! This farmer doesn't handle losing well!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite that dawg mentality effort.
Lionel Messi chews his nails on the bench. Bo Jackson stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kobe Bryant.
Season journal
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