My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Houston Blast-Off | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but LeBron James is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 206 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. The chef's surprise of the evening is Jesus Christ. A messiah by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-126 (L)
Jesus Christ steps onto the floor! From competing the game to this, game time!
Lee Harvey Oswald misses the open look! This guy everybody knows can't believe it! Lack of consistency!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Olivier Rioux, this big fella, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
This basketball god Jesus Christ slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Rest. Lee Harvey Oswald buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Lee Harvey Oswald got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Olivier Rioux, this tree of a man, can't finish from the left corner! That one stings!
Lee Harvey Oswald leans on their knees! Gassed, but the laborer keeps going!
Jesus Christ turns it over in the baseline! Butterfingers from this messiah!
LeBron James storms to the bench! This household name is visibly upset!
Olivier Rioux reflects on what could have been. Heavy feet the difference tonight.
Jesus Christ refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. LeBron James watches it and immediately regrets it. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
119-104 (W)
Jesus Christ takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
This diamond in the rough Olivier Rioux with a picture-perfect bucket! The crowd goes wild!
Jesus Christ with the full-court pressure! This undisputed superstar making them uncomfortable!
This diamond in the rough Rod Wave finds the open man! Assist and a step-back three!
Olivier Rioux spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
That's a cut. LeBron James stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Fun fact: LeBron James failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Jesus Christ rises and fires! Competing the game never felt this athletic!
The arena trembles! Olivier Rioux with the play and a hostile crowd follows!
Rod Wave, this do-it-all player, holds the team together with iron discipline! Captain!
Olivier Rioux dribbles with purpose! An off-the-charts basketball IQ driving this team forward!
Rod Wave walks off the venue victorious! This potential breakout star owns this moment!
Olivier Rioux points both hands at the sky. Jesus Christ points at Olivier Rioux. Rod Wave points at the exit. I learned backstage that Jesus Christ also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
100-121 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
LeBron James, this guy with rings on every finger, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Olivier Rioux crosses over the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this hungry young player!
Rod Wave bites on the pump fake! This surprise package sent flying from mid-range!
Jesus Christ pours it in! A messiah who never wastes anything never wastes a shot!
The players disappear. Olivier Rioux has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Exclusive info: Olivier Rioux is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Olivier Rioux launches a fadeaway jumper and... Airball! Shaky emotions under pressure at its peak!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ adjusts the angle mid-drive! A gym-rat work ethic body control!
Rod Wave misses from fatigue! This dude out of nowhere can't get the elevation from way beyond the arc!
Olivier Rioux walks off in silence. This surprise package gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Olivier Rioux whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Jesus Christ nods without conviction. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
97-94 (W)
Jesus Christ comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the messiah means business!
Jesus Christ steals the ball! Quick hands from competing the game all day!
LeBron James posts up but overcooks it! Heavy feet showing up again!
LeBron James takes off the ball with natural-born leadership. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
This newcomer Olivier Rioux calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Finally a breather. Olivier Rioux has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know Olivier Rioux plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Olivier Rioux delivers in the clutch! A tear drop driving to the hoop! This guy nobody was talking about is ice cold!
Lee Harvey Oswald swats it away! A rebound in traffic with that laborer strength!
Listen to that roar! LeBron James explodes and the place explodes!
Jesus Christ penetrates with the game on the line! A bucket! He lives for this!
Jesus Christ seals the win! Sealed tight, the messiah gets it done!
LeBron James and Lee Harvey Oswald run circles around Rod Wave who doesn't move. Zen. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
85-112 (L)
This global icon LeBron James opens the scoring! A buzzer-beater! Early advantage!
Jesus Christ bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Olivier Rioux, this long boy, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
LeBron James buries a fadeaway jumper driving to the hoop! This household name is on fire tonight!
That's a wrap for now. Jesus Christ dives into the tunnel. Fun fact: Jesus Christ blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Rod Wave drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a rapper's spirit has limits!
Olivier Rioux with a rough tear drop from way beyond the arc! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
Jesus Christ reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this messiah!
LeBron James, this titan, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, hangs the head. Tough loss despite nerves of steel effort.
Rod Wave sits on the bench, staring into nothing. LeBron James has his head in his hands. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
94-112 (L)
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, is introduced and the arena explodes! This basketball god is in the building!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, gets the separation but can't finish! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Lee Harvey Oswald dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the laborer's finest moment!
This reliable star Lee Harvey Oswald gives up the offensive rebound! Hot head when boxing out!
Olivier Rioux attacks the leather with flair and hits a step-back three! Sensational!
Into the tunnel. Rod Wave grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: Rod Wave fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Olivier Rioux fades away angrily after the turnover! This who-is-this-guy player spiraling!
Lee Harvey Oswald shoots an air ball in an electric crowd! A laborer lost in the noise!
Olivier Rioux, this 7-footer, exploits the mismatch at the buzzer! Smart play!
Olivier Rioux dribbles but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
Rod Wave looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a rapper!
Jesus Christ scratches the back of his neck nervously. Lee Harvey Oswald has the look of someone who has seen things. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-113 (L)
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
Jesus Christ fires a thunderous slam on the low block but can't connect! Injury-prone body showing!
LeBron James coughs up the leather! Lack of consistency strikes again at the buzzer!
Rod Wave can't stay in front! Spitting the fiery bars doesn't build lateral quickness!
Olivier Rioux scores at will! A scoop layup under the basket! This rising star domination!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Olivier Rioux asks for an ice pack. They say Olivier Rioux has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Lee Harvey Oswald can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the orange frustration!
A scoop layup by Jesus Christ in transition is way off! Tough night for this hall-of-fame lock!
This multi-time All-Star Lee Harvey Oswald recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Rod Wave, this smooth operator, looks exhausted under the basket! The legs are gone!
Rod Wave refuses to make excuses! A rapper owns the fiery bars failures too!
Jesus Christ scratches the back of his neck nervously. Lee Harvey Oswald has the look of someone who has seen things. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
80-124 (L)
Jesus Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
Rod Wave, this rising star, with the shot-clock heave! No good from way beyond the arc!
Rod Wave loses the leather! A rapper would never be this careless!
Rod Wave gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to rush!
Lee Harvey Oswald penetrates away from the huddle! This established star in a dark place mentally!
Break. Olivier Rioux asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Confession: Olivier Rioux believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
This hungry young player Rod Wave whiffs on a scoop layup! The crowd groans!
LeBron James is gassed! This hall-of-fame lock bent over at half court! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
This rising star Olivier Rioux commits the offensive foul! Turnover back to the basket!
Olivier Rioux, this titan, waves off the play call! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the team!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a messiah after their bare hands broke!
Rod Wave's complexion is grey. Jesus Christ's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
104-116 (L)
Lee Harvey Oswald bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
LeBron James takes off but it's well off! Limited stamina under fatigue!
Olivier Rioux, this absolute unit, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted back to the basket!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ can't recover! Scored on at the top of the key! Heavy feet!
Lee Harvey Oswald dishes past the defense for a double-clutch layup! Size advantage from this this do-it-all player!
That's a cut. Jesus Christ stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Jesus Christ blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Rod Wave gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
An alley-oop attempt by Olivier Rioux falls short! Ego the size of Texas in the legs!
Lee Harvey Oswald overloads one side! Loading up with laborer strategy!
Jesus Christ soldiers on! The soldier who competes the game with their bare hands!
Rod Wave posts up past the media. This total unknown not in the mood to talk.
Jesus Christ's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Lee Harvey Oswald hides his eyes under a towel. I learned backstage that Lee Harvey Oswald also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-111 (L)
LeBron James opens with a bank shot! This once-in-a-lifetime player making an early statement!
LeBron James can't buy a bucket! Another miss from way beyond the arc! Frustrating!
Olivier Rioux throws it into the stands! What was that from this total unknown!
LeBron James overcommits and gets beat! Injury-prone body when reading the play!
LeBron James with the tough finger roll through contact! This basketball god won't be denied!
Break time. Olivier Rioux bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Little secret: Olivier Rioux listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
LeBron James, this living legend, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
Rod Wave rushes a deep three under the basket! Tendency to rush creeping in!
This franchise guy Lee Harvey Oswald recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
This generational talent LeBron James stumbles! The fatigue is real after the four quarters!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, takes the loss hard. Ego the size of Texas at the wrong moments.
Jesus Christ closes his eyes walking out. Lee Harvey Oswald keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
78-118 (L)
This player nobody saw coming Olivier Rioux gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
LeBron James dribbles the leather awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this hall-of-fame lock!
Rod Wave, this combo guard, gets stripped from downtown! Lack of consistency exposed!
Olivier Rioux reacts too late to rotate! Shaky emotions under pressure on the help side!
Olivier Rioux, this mammoth, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
The players disappear. LeBron James has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Exclusive info: LeBron James is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Rod Wave, this smooth operator, bobbles the pill and the chance evaporates at the buzzer!
LeBron James fires away a step slower than usual! Hot head in the tank!
LeBron James throws it away! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure at the top of the key!
LeBron James drives and kicks the stanchion! This certified GOAT candidate losing composure!
Olivier Rioux sits alone on the bench. This total unknown processing the defeat.
Jesus Christ sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Lee Harvey Oswald puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
80-111 (L)
Olivier Rioux fades away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this hidden prospect!
This potential GOAT LeBron James rattles it out! So close yet so far on the low block!
Lee Harvey Oswald gets picked! A laborer getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ bites on the fake! Beaten driving to the hoop!
Lee Harvey Oswald slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a laborer hits the workbench!
Back in the locker room, Rod Wave sits down and stares at the ceiling. Fun fact: Rod Wave failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Jesus Christ whiffs on the jumper! A messiah off their game with their bare hands!
This generational talent Jesus Christ signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Ego the size of Texas!
Jesus Christ forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, sits down hard on the bench! Defense that's basically a suggestion written all over his face!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
Lee Harvey Oswald hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Jesus Christ keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
79-123 (L)
Rod Wave fires up the crowd to open the game! This guy nobody was talking about starting strong!
Jesus Christ with a wild attempt! This potential GOAT not finding the range tonight!
Jesus Christ gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a messiah's grip!
Lee Harvey Oswald gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
Lee Harvey Oswald sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a laborer after a long shift!
Break! Jesus Christ grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Little secret: Jesus Christ listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, wastes a golden chance with a wild off-balance shot!
Lee Harvey Oswald labors up the court! Trudging like a laborer dragging the game!
LeBron James passes to nobody! This basketball god with a head-scratching decision!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, shows negative body language! Limited stamina creeping in!
This unknown gem Olivier Rioux leaves the field house with head held high. Fought to the end.
Jesus Christ watches the crowd file out in silence. Lee Harvey Oswald prefers not to look. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
104-119 (L)
This potential breakout star Rod Wave means business! Fast start from mid-range!
Rod Wave can't score in the first half! This rapper is way off tonight!
Rod Wave throws it away! A pass worse than a rapper tossing the fiery bars!
This surprise package Olivier Rioux picks up the cheap foul! Limited stamina showing!
Jesus Christ with the highlight-reel bank shot! This generational talent owning the moment!
Halftime. The doctor examines LeBron James's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Exclusive info: LeBron James is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This guy nobody was talking about Rod Wave can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Olivier Rioux forces a bad scoop layup! This raw talent needs to trust teammates!
Olivier Rioux blows past to the weak side! This raw talent exploiting the rotation!
LeBron James short-arms the shot from fatigue! This global icon has nothing left!
Olivier Rioux, this surprise package, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Lee Harvey Oswald and Jesus Christ walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-130 (L)
Rod Wave locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a rapper who means business!
Rod Wave, this smooth operator, loses the handle and the opportunity! Limited stamina!
Rod Wave coughs it up! A rapper's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
This global icon LeBron James commits the and-one foul! Limited stamina in positioning!
This who-is-this-guy player Olivier Rioux hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at half court!
End of the first act. Rod Wave is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Quick anecdote about Rod Wave: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Jesus Christ with the ugly miss! The messiah touch is absent tonight!
Olivier Rioux, this hungry young player, sucking wind after that sprint! This ball game of battle!
This newcomer Olivier Rioux loses concentration and the rock with it!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Jesus Christ leaves the gymnasium quietly! Quiet as a messiah after the game setback!
Rod Wave's gaze is cold, distant. Jesus Christ's gaze is hot, angry. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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