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Season Journal

Standings

#TeamWLPts
1San Antonio Skyscrapers13226
2Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest12324
3Detroit Engine-Roar12324
4Denver Horse-Track12324
5Boston Ring-Chasers11422
6New York Over-Timers11422
7Cleveland Twin-Towers8716
8Houston Blast-Off8716
9Minnesota Ice-Wall7814
10Phoenix No-Defense7814
11Toronto Border-Patrol51010
12My Team4118
13Philadelphia Injury-Report3126
14Miami Heart-Attack3126
15Los Angeles Nursing-Home2134
16Orlando Magic-Beans2134

Pre-season

Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Kai Cenat. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Kai Cenat. The man. Is. A streamer. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A streamer. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their streaming rig and apparently, the technical motion of a streamer and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.

Matchday 1vs Detroit Engine-Roar

83-127 (L)

Kai Cenat wins the opening tip! Tipping off with streamer energy!

A reverse layup attempt by Logan Paul falls short! Injury-prone body in the legs!

Logan Paul dribbles it off their foot! The script binder would never betray a movie actor like that!

Jesser caught flat-footed! Standing still, the youtuber reflexes took a nap!

This up-and-coming baller Logan Paul throws an elbow in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!

Intermission. Kai Cenat dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know Kai Cenat knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Detroit Engine-Roar's colors. By accident, obviously. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

This unknown gem Jesser rattles it out! So close yet so far along the baseline!

This dude putting the league on notice Logan Paul can't close out! The legs are shot at the top of the key!

Stolen from Kai Cenat! A streamer who let it slip through their fingers!

Jesser mouths off on the inbound pass! A youtuber venting about the algorithm!

Jake Paul vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their camera reinforced with the algorithm!

IShowSpeed looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Jesser looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 2vs Miami Heart-Attack

104-119 (L)

IShowSpeed announces themselves! The rapper has arrived and the building knows it!

Jesser gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the youtuber touch can't save that one!

Jake Paul botches the handoff! Even their camera exchanges go smoother!

Kai Cenat turns the head and loses the man! This next-level player napping defensively!

Jesser, this combo guard, with a silky buzzer-beater on the low block! Smooth operator!

Halftime whistle! Logan Paul slides down against the hallway wall. Confession: Logan Paul tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

IShowSpeed, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!

A fadeaway jumper from Jesser hits the iron! Tendency to rush under the spotlight!

IShowSpeed explodes to the weak side! This once-in-a-lifetime player exploiting the rotation!

Logan Paul is gassed! This next-level player bent over at half court! Injury-prone body catching up!

Kai Cenat sits alone on the bench. This player on the come-up processing the defeat.

IShowSpeed chews his nails on the bench. Jesser stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 3vs Orlando Magic-Beans

104-97 (W)

Logan Paul, this solid build, announced to huge cheers! A crowd fully behind them!

Jake Paul pops the jumper! Clean as their camera after a polish!

Jesser locks down their opponent! Tight as a youtuber gripping their camera!

IShowSpeed whips it cross-court! Covering distance with their hot mic range!

Jake Paul with the perfect cut! Precision of a youtuber with their camera!

Time to breathe. Logan Paul has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. I've been told Logan Paul once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

Jesser, this swiss-army-knife type, takes over facing the rim. A catch-and-shoot triple! That's elite!

The crowd does the wave for Logan Paul! Movie actor pride!

IShowSpeed motivates from the floor! Motivation of a rapper who refuses to lose!

Logan Paul's transformation from movie actor to athlete is this regular-season contest's best story!

This name that's buzzing Kai Cenat caps off a special night! A primal scream! Until next time!

Jesser dumps his Gatorade on Kai Cenat who screams because it was cold. Logan Paul piles on. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 4vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

114-97 (W)

Tip-off! IShowSpeed gets us started! Let's go!

Jesser, this versatile guy, uses strength and skill for a fadeaway jumper! Complete player!

Jesser anticipates perfectly! A youtuber who always sees it coming!

Jake Paul sets the table! Arranged as neatly as their camera on the algorithm!

Kai Cenat executes a pick-and-pop attack perfectly! Precision learned as a streamer!

Break. Kai Cenat asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Intel: Kai Cenat asked Philadelphia Injury-Report for their energy drink recipe. They refused. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

IShowSpeed hooks it in! The arc of a rapper swinging their hot mic!

Kai Cenat bows to the fans! A streamer bowing after the live chat masterpiece!

IShowSpeed, this franchise cornerstone, runs the play exactly as drawn! Execution!

Jesser's got those youtuber hands! Gripping the damn ball like it owes them money!

Logan Paul spins to the crowd! A bench mob celebration! This respected competitor gave everything!

Kai Cenat does a belly slide on the court. Logan Paul does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 5vs Phoenix No-Defense

115-105 (W)

Jake Paul opens with a thunderous slam! This well-respected player making an early statement!

Logan Paul powers through for a floater! The brute force of portraying the film character!

IShowSpeed pressures the inbound! This potential GOAT with relentless nerves of steel!

Jesser finds the cutter! Eyes everywhere, classic youtuber awareness!

Jesser baits the defender! Got them hook, line, and sinker!

Halftime! Jesser checks his stats on the board and winces. Intel: Jesser asked Phoenix No-Defense for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Logan Paul, this well-respected player, drills another step-back three facing the rim! Automatic!

A sold-out gym on fire fills the arena! This certified GOAT candidate IShowSpeed feeds off the energy!

Jake Paul, this swiss-army-knife type, repositions on defense! A killer instinct collective effort!

From the workshop to the hardwood, Kai Cenat brings precision worthy of their streaming rig!

IShowSpeed celebrates at the final buzzer! Celebration worthy of their hot mic!

Logan Paul and Kai Cenat act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 6vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

114-99 (W)

IShowSpeed lets fly onto the floor! The crowd roars for this potential GOAT!

Logan Paul rises up driving to the hoop with the same confidence they bring to portraying the film character.

IShowSpeed, this basketball god, walls up in the paint! Impenetrable defense!

Kai Cenat threads the needle! Beautiful assist from the right corner! Unreal court vision!

Jake Paul outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a youtuber with their camera!

The locker room fills up. Jesser has already eaten three oranges. I've been told Jesser always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Logan Paul answers back with a half-court heave! Scary good handles under pressure!

IShowSpeed signs a kid's the fiery bars! The rapper meets the next generation!

This first-ballot legend IShowSpeed defers to the hot hand! Smart basketball!

Scouts overlooked a youtuber. They won't overlook Jake Paul after tonight's their camera show!

Jake Paul owns the night! Owner of the den and the algorithm alike!

Jesser and IShowSpeed do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 7vs Toronto Border-Patrol

83-120 (L)

Logan Paul checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!

Jake Paul misses at coming out of the locker room! A youtuber dropping the algorithm at the worst time!

Jake Paul throws it into the stands! What was that from this league veteran!

This well-respected player Logan Paul picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to rush showing!

Jake Paul argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to captivating the algorithm!

Halftime. Logan Paul wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know Logan Paul entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

IShowSpeed clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their hot mic hitting the fiery bars!

Kai Cenat asks for ice! Cooling down, even a streamer's engine needs a rest!

Logan Paul, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Heavy feet in the footwork!

Logan Paul walks away muttering! Muttering about the film character under their breath!

Logan Paul shakes hands through the pain! A movie actor who respects the script binder and the game!

Kai Cenat mutters while walking out. Logan Paul watches from the corner of his eye, worried. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 8vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

99-105 (L)

Kai Cenat steps onto the palace of hoops! From entertaining the live chat to this, game time!

Kai Cenat forces a floater off the pick and roll! This hooper's hooper trying too hard!

This respected competitor Kai Cenat dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!

IShowSpeed loses their assignment! Like losing their hot mic in the workshop!

Jake Paul, this combo guard, elevates for a monster thunderous slam!

Heading in. Jesser's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Confession: Jesser believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.

Jake Paul mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!

This once-in-a-lifetime player IShowSpeed shanks a pull-up jumper from mid-range! That's uncharacteristic!

This rising star Jesser switches defensive assignments on the fly! Iron discipline!

Kai Cenat bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a streamer after their streaming rig overtime!

Logan Paul rises up past the media. This solid pro not in the mood to talk.

Logan Paul looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. IShowSpeed looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than IShowSpeed. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 9vs Houston Blast-Off

103-111 (L)

Kai Cenat locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a streamer who means business!

IShowSpeed misses! Even a rapper can't fix that shot!

Jake Paul with the careless pass! Captivating the algorithm with more care, please!

Logan Paul can't stay in front! Portraying the film character doesn't build lateral quickness!

Jake Paul with the decisive floater! Night-in night-out consistency when it matters most!

Halftime! Jake Paul is limping slightly heading off the court. Bus driver's confession: Jake Paul raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Back in action! The coach got the message across.

Kai Cenat glares at the scoreboard! This player making noise not happy with the situation!

Jake Paul explodes the ball into nothing! Occasional mental lapses on full display tonight!

Logan Paul, this do-it-all player, exploits the mismatch from downtown! Smart play!

Jesser is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the youtuber is spent!

Kai Cenat walks off in defeat! Even a streamer's skills couldn't save tonight!

IShowSpeed snaps at the bench on his way out. Jake Paul says nothing, but his look says everything. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'

Matchday 10vs Denver Horse-Track

84-128 (L)

This next-level player Kai Cenat in the starting lineup! Let's see what this next-level player brings!

Logan Paul launches a tear drop and... Airball! Injury-prone body at its peak!

Kai Cenat trips up in the corner! A streamer never trips at work... Right?

IShowSpeed can't contain the drive! Spitting the fiery bars is more containable!

Jesser dishes angrily after the turnover! This guy nobody was talking about spiraling!

Halftime whistle. IShowSpeed flops into the first available chair. Locker room anecdote: IShowSpeed talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Jesser can't score in the first quarter! This youtuber is way off tonight!

Logan Paul grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than the script binder in the workshop!

Kai Cenat gets picked! A streamer getting the live chat stolen in broad daylight!

Jake Paul drops the head after another miss! Tendency to rush sapping the confidence!

IShowSpeed walks off in silence. This living legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.

IShowSpeed looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Kai Cenat looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 11vs New York Over-Timers

97-119 (L)

Game time! Jake Paul and this hooper's hooper ready to put on a show at the venue!

Kai Cenat rattles in and out! The live chat never teases a streamer like that!

Jake Paul with the lazy pass! Ego the size of Texas leading to easy points!

Jesser watches helplessly! A youtuber watching the algorithm fall off the shelf!

IShowSpeed scores on the putback! Recycling the fiery bars is second nature for a rapper!

Break. Logan Paul collapses next to the vending machine. Quick anecdote about Logan Paul: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

IShowSpeed stares in disbelief! The look of a rapper who just lost everything!

Jake Paul misfires at the top of the key! Even this well-respected player has off nights!

This dark horse Jesser attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!

Jesser, this all-around player, laboring up and down! Ego the size of Texas draining the energy!

Logan Paul reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.

Kai Cenat claps his hands in frustration. Jake Paul clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 12vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

81-123 (L)

Jesser starts in the playmaker! Playing the playmaker way a youtuber plays with their camera!

Jesser, this unknown gem, pulls the trigger from the right corner but no luck!

This hooper's hooper Jake Paul commits the 5-second violation! Clock management defense that's basically a suggestion!

This generational talent IShowSpeed misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!

Logan Paul, this legit talent, with the frustrated foul! Occasional mental lapses in tough moments!

Back to the locker room. Kai Cenat punches his locker. Fun fact: Kai Cenat was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

This generational talent IShowSpeed misfires again! Hot head could cost the team!

IShowSpeed stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a rapper over the fiery bars!

Sloppy handling by Logan Paul! Portraying the film character is done with more finesse!

Jesser is visibly upset! Upset as a youtuber when the algorithm goes sideways!

Logan Paul wipes a tear! A movie actor who poured everything into the effort!

Kai Cenat sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Jake Paul has his head in his hands. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 13vs Boston Ring-Chasers

92-115 (L)

Jesser stretches center court! Loosening up, the youtuber is getting ready!

Logan Paul can't finish! The movie actor who finishes the film character can't finish the play!

Jesser attacks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!

Jesser gets crossed over! This surprise package left frozen back to the basket!

Logan Paul converts in the paint! A reverse layup with trademark pure God-given talent!

Halftime. The doctor examines Kai Cenat's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Rumor has it Kai Cenat talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

Kai Cenat pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The streamer in them is showing!

Logan Paul sends it wide! The script binder wouldn't forgive that either!

IShowSpeed steps back into the right spacing! Eyes in the back of the head and elite court awareness!

Kai Cenat finds a second wind! The streamer engine roars back to life!

Logan Paul consoles teammates! The heart of a movie actor in that moment!

IShowSpeed's gaze is cold, distant. Jesser's gaze is hot, angry. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 14vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

81-125 (L)

This dude putting the league on notice Jake Paul means business! Fast start at the buzzer!

Jake Paul can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the leather differently than the algorithm!

Logan Paul throws it out of bounds! Like launching the script binder into the void!

Logan Paul, this do-it-all player, lets the shooter get free in transition! Costly lapse!

IShowSpeed drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a rapper's spirit has limits!

Halftime. IShowSpeed wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Little scoop: IShowSpeed collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. We're back! The players look fired up.

Air ball from Jesser! Being a youtuber doesn't help with shooting, apparently!

This player making noise Kai Cenat calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Lack of consistency taking its toll!

Logan Paul commits the live-ball turnover! The script binder would be ashamed!

IShowSpeed, this absolute legend, barks at the teammate! Occasional mental lapses taking over!

IShowSpeed packs up and heads out! Packing their hot mic, unpacking emotions!

IShowSpeed takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Jesser follows the same path. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 15vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

95-127 (L)

This newcomer Jesser gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!

This rising star Jesser whiffs on a buzzer-beater! The crowd groans!

Logan Paul with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the film character!

Jesser gets blown by! Even a youtuber couldn't stop that!

Kai Cenat, this smooth operator, posts up and delivers a bank shot! Textbook!

The locker room fills up. Kai Cenat has already eaten three oranges. Anecdote: Kai Cenat fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Logan Paul, this do-it-all player, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!

Brick! Jesser misfires off the pick and roll! Injury-prone body at the worst time!

Logan Paul makes the hockey pass! Eyes in the back of the head finding the extra pass!

Kai Cenat mops their face! Sweating more than when entertaining the live chat!

Jesser fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the youtuber gave everything!

Logan Paul punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Jesser slides down the wall to the floor. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

My Team finishes #12 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kai Cenat.

🏀
#12
Rank
4W-11L
Record
-268
+/-
275
Team Score
2.5M$
Salary
Kai Cenat
MVP

Season Journal

Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby!

If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Kai Cenat. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.

The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.

And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Kai Cenat. The man. Is. A streamer. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A streamer. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their streaming rig and apparently, the technical motion of a streamer and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.

Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.

🏆

My Team finishes #12 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kai Cenat.

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🏀 My dream starting five — #12 — 4W 11L — MVP: Kai Cenat - TeamBranch | TeamBranch