My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Elon Musk is on this team. Elon Musk, who is an engineer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their slide rule under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
93-101 (L)
Iron Man comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the superhero means business!
Spider-Man explodes but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Iron Man, this lightning-quick little man, gets the ball poked away! Occasional mental lapses when protecting the basketball!
Iron Man gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
Spider-Man, this pint-sized baller, dominates in the paint and puts up a catch-and-shoot triple! Unstoppable!
The players leave the court. LeBron James clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: LeBron James blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
LeBron James pulls up the towel! This franchise cornerstone showing hot head!
LeBron James fades away but overcooks it! Sometimes predictable game showing up again!
This guy with rings on every finger Iron Man uses the floater over this little guy coverage! Smart!
Donald Trump gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like an investor begging the next venture for mercy!
Iron Man wipes a tear! A superhero who poured everything into the effort!
LeBron James stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Donald Trump exhales. Again. And again. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
118-86 (W)
This basketball god Iron Man means business! Fast start facing the rim!
Iron Man scores with their bare hands, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
Donald Trump, this tweener, runs the offense with a gym-rat work ethic! Beautiful passing!
Spider-Man pulls off an off-balance shot out of nowhere! Was that basketball or superhero magic? Unbelievable!
Elon Musk slides to the passing lane and steals it! Silky smooth technique!
Heading in. Elon Musk's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Locker room anecdote: Elon Musk talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
LeBron James converts a tough catch-and-shoot triple in the paint! Skill level: elite!
Spider-Man, this first-ballot legend, still going full throttle! No mercy tonight!
LeBron James blows past the wrong way on offense! This undisputed superstar needs a GPS!
Iron Man, this potential GOAT, with the too-small gesture! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Mismatch!
Donald Trump seals the win! Sealed tight, the investor gets it done!
Iron Man grabs Elon Musk and hoists him onto his shoulders. Donald Trump tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
111-107 (W)
Elon Musk, this once-in-a-lifetime player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Elon Musk cuts off the drive! Precision of building the impossible structure!
LeBron James, this titan, can't finish in transition! That one stings!
Donald Trump banks a pull-up jumper off the glass! Geometry learned from the investor life!
Elon Musk creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, engineer-level thinking!
The players leave the court. Spider-Man clings to the tunnel railing. Rumor has it Spider-Man has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
LeBron James, this giant, comes through when called upon! After a timeout! Star!
LeBron James with a textbook defensive stance! That's how you do it!
Chants of 'superhero! Superhero!' fill the palace of hoops for Iron Man!
This all-time great LeBron James drains the pressure shot! On a strategic timeout! That's a superstar!
Donald Trump fades away in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Spider-Man blows a kiss to the camera. Iron Man blows twelve. LeBron James blocks the lens. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
91-105 (L)
LeBron James takes off into position! This living legend not wasting any time!
Spider-Man, this scrappy guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Sometimes predictable game!
Iron Man trips up in the paint! A superhero never trips at work... Right?
Spider-Man gets screened out of the play! This global icon lost in traffic!
This potential GOAT Iron Man goes to work at the buzzer! A floater drops beautifully!
Halftime whistle! Iron Man grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little secret: Iron Man has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Donald Trump argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to bankrolling the next venture!
LeBron James takes a tough off-balance shot and it doesn't go! Limited stamina in shot selection!
Donald Trump executes a pick-and-pop attack perfectly! Precision learned as an investor!
Iron Man asks for the ball to slow the pace! This undisputed superstar needs air!
Donald Trump takes the loss hard! Hard as the next venture on a bad investor day!
LeBron James hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Donald Trump keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
108-96 (W)
LeBron James, this mammoth, is introduced and the arena explodes! This hall-of-fame lock is in the building!
Iron Man turns the right wing into a workshop. A half-court heave crafted with their bare hands!
Spider-Man shuts the door from mid-range! That's how you play defense!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
LeBron James, this all-time great, manages the clock beautifully in the third quarter!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Donald Trump walks head down toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Donald Trump once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
A double-clutch layup from Elon Musk from way beyond the arc! That's a statement right there!
The halftime tribute to Donald Trump's investor journey! The next venture to a buzzer-beater!
Iron Man plays their role perfectly! Role player, role superhero with their bare hands!
Watch Iron Man move! The footwork of a superhero navigating the game!
Donald Trump penetrates off the court victorious! This all-time great leaves it all out there!
Spider-Man does the floss while LeBron James spins like a top. Iron Man just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
90-107 (L)
Donald Trump takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
LeBron James dishes the pill into nothing! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display tonight!
LeBron James with the backcourt violation! This first-ballot legend under too much pressure!
Spider-Man overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the play!
Elon Musk hooks it in! The arc of an engineer swinging their slide rule!
Halftime. The doctor examines Spider-Man's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Exclusive info: Spider-Man is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
This guy with rings on every finger Donald Trump shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Iron Man, this undisputed superstar, sends the orange wide! The touch is off tonight!
Donald Trump manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their portfolio ledger on the next venture!
Elon Musk, this smooth operator, looks exhausted from the right corner! The legs are gone!
Elon Musk walks off in defeat! Even an engineer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Spider-Man scratches the back of his neck nervously. Iron Man has the look of someone who has seen things. Evening confession: I'm wearing Spider-Man's jersey under my shirt. For morale. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
113-105 (W)
Iron Man checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Donald Trump goes baseline and scores! The next venture prepared them for this moment!
LeBron James with the help-side defensive stop! This first-ballot legend always in position!
Elon Musk with the no-look pass! This potential GOAT has eyes in the back of the head!
Elon Musk pins the defender! Pinning them down with engineer authority!
Break. LeBron James collapses next to the vending machine. Did you know? LeBron James tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Elon Musk with an incredible bank shot from way beyond the arc! Standing ovation!
This potential GOAT Donald Trump turns the hostile crowd into stunned silence!
Donald Trump executes the play call! Flawless execution from this investor!
Spider-Man walks onto the venue with their bare hands swagger and the Wilson confidence!
LeBron James shoots into the tunnel with the W! This once-in-a-lifetime player all smiles!
Iron Man climbs onto the scorer's table. Spider-Man joins him. Security is unsure whether to intervene. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
84-127 (L)
Donald Trump pulls up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this absolute legend!
Donald Trump can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the damn ball differently than the next venture!
Spider-Man with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Iron Man, this small but mighty player, can't keep up with the speed! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Elon Musk looks to the heavens! An engineer praying for their slide rule to work!
Halftime! Donald Trump looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Intel: Donald Trump asked Minnesota Ice-Wall for their energy drink recipe. They refused. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Spider-Man can't score in overtime! This superhero is way off tonight!
Donald Trump soldiers on! The soldier who bankrolls the next venture with their portfolio ledger!
This undisputed superstar Iron Man with turnover number buckets! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
Donald Trump throws their hands up! Like an investor when their portfolio ledger breaks!
Spider-Man had the chances but couldn't convert. This first-ballot legend left wanting.
Donald Trump's complexion is grey. Iron Man's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
112-107 (W)
LeBron James opens with a bank shot! This once-in-a-lifetime player making an early statement!
Spider-Man with the textbook defense! Written by a superhero with their bare hands!
LeBron James misfires on the low block! Even this first-ballot legend has off nights!
What a play by Elon Musk! A devastating dunk driving to the hoop! This franchise cornerstone is cooking!
Spider-Man reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this superhero!
Halftime whistle. Iron Man spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. They say Iron Man has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Elon Musk, this all-around player, comes up big! A double-clutch layup on a strategic timeout! Legend!
Spider-Man steals the ball! Quick hands from competing the game all day!
Elon Musk's fan section holds up the impossible structure! The engineer army is loud!
This potential GOAT Iron Man puts the dagger in! In the money time a deep three! It's over!
Donald Trump ends on a high note! An investor who finishes strong every time!
Elon Musk, Donald Trump, and Spider-Man pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
92-126 (L)
Elon Musk, this household name, embraces the cathedral silence! Game on!
Air ball from Donald Trump! Being an investor doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Intercepted! Iron Man's pass snatched right out of the air! A superhero would never be that careless!
Donald Trump gambles for the steal and pays the price! Lack of consistency!
Donald Trump slams the ball in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Break! Spider-Man takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Spider-Man is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Donald Trump penetrates but it's well off! Heavy feet under fatigue!
Donald Trump, this generational talent, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Stolen from Iron Man! A superhero who let it slip through their fingers!
Iron Man, this little guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
Spider-Man, this scrappy guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite that dawg mentality effort.
Iron Man mutters while walking out. LeBron James watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
80-117 (L)
And we're underway! Donald Trump touches the orange first! This absolute legend looks eager!
Spider-Man short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their bare hands!
Donald Trump throws it away! A pass worse than an investor tossing the next venture!
Iron Man reacts too late to rotate! Injury-prone body on the help side!
Iron Man walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
The players file out. Iron Man exchanges a tense look with the coach. Juicy intel: Iron Man turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
LeBron James, this household name, fumbles the finish along the baseline! Back to the drawing board!
Iron Man finds a second wind! The superhero engine roars back to life!
This household name Donald Trump dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Spider-Man, this living legend, yells at the coaching staff! Limited stamina causing friction!
Donald Trump shakes hands through the pain! An investor who respects their portfolio ledger and the game!
Iron Man lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Spider-Man holds his in. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
86-124 (L)
Elon Musk gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like an engineer on day one!
Donald Trump clanks another one off the rim! This basketball god needs to find rhythm!
This living legend LeBron James commits the offensive foul! Turnover under the basket!
This household name Donald Trump caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Elon Musk posts up angrily after the turnover! This undisputed superstar spiraling!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Locker room intel: LeBron James has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
This basketball god Iron Man rattles it out! So close yet so far from downtown!
Elon Musk is spent! Used up like the impossible structure after an engineer's long day!
This all-time great Elon Musk forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Spider-Man stares in disbelief! The look of a superhero who just lost everything!
This basketball god LeBron James shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to rush proved costly.
Elon Musk lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Spider-Man holds his in. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
88-131 (L)
Elon Musk sets the tone early! The engineer came to play tonight!
Elon Musk, this all-time great, comes up empty! A scoop layup off target on the low block!
Iron Man turns it over during crunch time! A superhero dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
This hall-of-fame lock Donald Trump gives up the offensive rebound! Tendency to force bad shots when boxing out!
Spider-Man shakes their head! A superhero who can't believe that just happened!
The players leave the court. Spider-Man clings to the tunnel railing. Locker room intel: Spider-Man has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
This potential GOAT Iron Man misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!
Iron Man grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
Donald Trump loses the pill! An investor would never be this careless!
Donald Trump buries their face! Hidden from view, the investor can't watch!
Donald Trump leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as an investor after the next venture setback!
Elon Musk walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Iron Man drags one foot after the other. Behind the scenes, I learned Iron Man was also an engineer in a past life. You can feel it in the game. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
98-124 (L)
The arena welcomes Iron Man! The superhero with the game has arrived!
Donald Trump can't find the range! Their portfolio ledger has better accuracy than that!
Iron Man steps back the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy with rings on every finger!
Donald Trump gets crossed over! This undisputed superstar left frozen in transition!
Spider-Man racks up a fadeaway jumper! Productive night for this superhero!
The players head in. Elon Musk slips on the wet tunnel floor. True story: Elon Musk had his parking spot stolen by San Antonio Skyscrapers's mascot. Still talks about it. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Iron Man waves off the play! The authority of a superhero in that gesture!
A buzzer beater from Iron Man sails wide! This potential GOAT needs to regroup!
Elon Musk fades away with purpose every possession! This franchise cornerstone chess master!
Iron Man can barely run! The 48 regulation minutes harder than the 48 regulation minutes of competing the game!
Elon Musk consoles teammates! The heart of an engineer in that moment!
Donald Trump's complexion is grey. LeBron James's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
76-120 (L)
Iron Man takes the court to a Finals-like atmosphere! The superhero with their bare hands is here!
Elon Musk misses! Even an engineer can't fix that shot!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James loses concentration and the damn ball with it!
Iron Man gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
LeBron James, this giant, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Intermission. Iron Man dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Rumor has it Iron Man does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Iron Man with the contested finger roll on the low block! No good! Bad selection!
LeBron James explodes a step slower than usual! Tendency to rush in the tank!
LeBron James coughs up the damn ball! Lack of consistency strikes again from the left corner!
Spider-Man slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a superhero hits the workbench!
Iron Man sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a superhero after their bare hands broke!
Iron Man refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Elon Musk watches it and immediately regrets it. I learned that Iron Man's father was an engineer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
My Team finishes #13 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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