My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | My Team | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got LeBron James on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 206 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Jesus Christ. A messiah in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Jesus Christ has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Now listen up, the owner has pulled out the checkbook and he's willing to eat the luxury tax penalties. We're in the big leagues. Two max contracts, well-paid veterans on every corner. They're all-in. Every extra dollar spent costs them three in taxes, but they don't care: they want to raise that trophy in June and they've got the firepower to back it up.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
96-118 (L)
And we're underway! Michael Jordan touches the ball first! This global icon looks eager!
Steve Nash, this reliable star, with a contested half-court heave that misses along the baseline!
Jesus Christ with the backcourt violation! This absolute legend under too much pressure!
Jesus Christ gets blown by! Even a messiah couldn't stop that!
Steve Nash, this top-tier talent, absolutely nails a bank shot from way beyond the arc! Take a bow!
The locker room fills up. Michael Jordan has already eaten three oranges. Little scoop: Michael Jordan logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Abraham Lincoln argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to cultivating the stubborn soil!
A half-court heave from Jesus Christ goes in and out! Heartbreaking off the pick and roll!
LeBron James spins with purpose every possession! This franchise cornerstone chess master!
Michael Jordan is gassed! This all-time great bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Despite the loss, Abraham Lincoln held their own with the stubborn soil! The farmer fought!
Jesus Christ rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. LeBron James picks up his own and folds it carefully. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
125-89 (W)
This basketball god Jesus Christ comes out firing! A thunderous slam in the first minute!
This headliner Steve Nash finishes with authority! A free throw driving to the hoop!
Jesus Christ hits the trailer! Connecting plays with their bare hands accuracy!
A hook shot by LeBron James at the top of the key! Night-in night-out consistency in every fiber!
Abraham Lincoln, this do-it-all player, blankets the shooter along the baseline! No daylight!
Halftime! Jesus Christ checks his stats on the board and winces. Bus driver's confession: Jesus Christ raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Abraham Lincoln hits the mid-range! The sweet spot, just like the seed dibber placement!
Steve Nash rises up without breaking a sweat! This big-name player cruise control!
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan tries the no-look and passes to the camera crew!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan waves goodbye to the opponent! A raised fist! Savage!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench with a smile! This living legend job well done!
Abraham Lincoln does the robot at center court while Jesus Christ pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
114-98 (W)
This hall-of-fame lock Abraham Lincoln means business! Fast start from way beyond the arc!
Steve Nash, this smooth operator, uses strength and skill for a scoop layup! Complete player!
Jesus Christ switches seamlessly! Versatile as a messiah switching between their bare hands and the game!
Steve Nash, this do-it-all player, hits the cutter perfectly! Scary good handles right on time!
This absolute legend LeBron James sets the back screen! Freakish explosiveness off-ball contribution!
Break! Michael Jordan grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Rumor has it Michael Jordan has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Steve Nash dribbles and fires a fadeaway jumper! This all-around player lighting it up!
Chills at the den as Jesus Christ gets introduced! The messiah with their bare hands!
LeBron James finds the open teammate! This basketball god making everyone better!
Abraham Lincoln bridges two worlds: the stubborn soil and a layup, bound by passion!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Michael Jordan and Steve Nash lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
125-94 (W)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan comes out aggressive! Opens with a deep three at the buzzer!
What a play by Michael Jordan! A fadeaway jumper from the right corner! This certified GOAT candidate is cooking!
This all-time great Michael Jordan comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
Abraham Lincoln pinpoints the pass facing the rim! Another assist for this guy with rings on every finger!
Abraham Lincoln communicates the switch! Clear as a farmer's instructions!
Into the tunnel. Michael Jordan grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Juicy intel: Michael Jordan turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Steve Nash, this all-around player, uses every inch to deliver an and-one!
Post-game fireworks for Abraham Lincoln! Brighter than the seed dibber on a perfect day!
Steve Nash takes the blame for the mistake! This bonafide star protecting teammates!
Abraham Lincoln crosses over with conviction! This household name believes tonight is the night!
LeBron James tosses the Wilson in the air! A victory dance! This hall-of-fame lock mission accomplished!
Steve Nash charges toward the crowd. Michael Jordan catches him just before he dives into the stands. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
131-93 (W)
This household name Jesus Christ opens the scoring! An alley-oop! Early advantage!
Michael Jordan with the smooth double-clutch layup! This undisputed superstar making it look easy!
Steve Nash with the hockey assist! That extra pass, beautiful basketball!
This all-time great Michael Jordan with a picture-perfect layup! The crowd goes wild!
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, erases the shot at the rim! Rim protector!
That's a wrap for now. Jesus Christ dives into the tunnel. Anecdote of the day: Jesus Christ forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Abraham Lincoln scores again! When you're a farmer by trade, the ball is child's play!
Jesus Christ even the deep bench is scoring! Complete team effort tonight!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, gets tangled in the net! This household name stuck!
Jesus Christ does the messiah dance after a buzzer-beater! The game has never looked this fun!
Abraham Lincoln hangs up the shorts! Calling it a night, the farmer is done!
Jesus Christ does the floss while LeBron James spins like a top. Steve Nash just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
122-102 (W)
Tip-off! Michael Jordan gets us started! Let's go!
Michael Jordan scores at will! A tear drop under the basket! This first-ballot legend domination!
Steve Nash, this solid build, alters the shot! A killer instinct at the rim!
Jesus Christ spots the mismatch! Eagle-eyed like a messiah inspecting the game!
Steve Nash reads the defense perfectly! Next-level basketball IQ and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Off to the locker room. Abraham Lincoln has already drained two water bottles. Little secret: Abraham Lincoln watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Abraham Lincoln finishes the fast break! Sprinting like a farmer who's running late!
Jesus Christ, this once-in-a-lifetime player, waves the crowd up! A hostile crowd rising!
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, communicates the switch! Scary good handles and vocal leadership!
Abraham Lincoln treats every possession like cultivating the stubborn soil, with care and precision!
Abraham Lincoln embraces teammates! The bond of cultivating the stubborn soil together!
LeBron James grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts Michael Jordan's name. The announcer chases him. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
98-95 (W)
Abraham Lincoln locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a farmer who means business!
Jesus Christ with a left-handed block! The reflexes of a messiah catching the game!
Abraham Lincoln can't buy a bucket! Another miss from the left corner! Frustrating!
An and-one by Steve Nash! The crowd erupts! Natural-born leadership personified!
This first-ballot legend Abraham Lincoln with the savvy veteran play! Freakish explosiveness experience showing!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Steve Nash asks for an ice pack. Intel: Steve Nash once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
LeBron James embraces the moment! A fadeaway jumper on the final possession! That's why he's here!
LeBron James slides to the passing lane and steals it! A killer instinct!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ silences the hostile crowd! A crowd fully behind them shifts!
Steve Nash penetrates past the defender! A pull-up jumper in the clutch! Incredible!
Jesus Christ puts a bow on it! Clean finish, just like a messiah wrapping up the job!
LeBron James mimes popping a champagne bottle. Michael Jordan mimes chugging straight from it. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce LeBron James's name. Forgive me. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
122-85 (W)
LeBron James fires up the crowd to open the game! This once-in-a-lifetime player starting strong!
Jesus Christ catches fire! And it's a buzzer beater! Next-level basketball IQ taking over!
Michael Jordan steps back and dishes! Gorgeous feed along the baseline! Eyes in the back of the head!
Abraham Lincoln sinks it from the low block. A farmer never misses the stubborn soil, and never misses the hoop!
LeBron James deflects the pass and starts the break! This household name defense to offense!
Heading in. LeBron James's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know? LeBron James launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Abraham Lincoln shoots through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Jesus Christ and the garbage time lineup! This guy with rings on every finger can rest easy!
LeBron James, this titan, tries the spin move and gets dizzy! This basketball god wobbling!
LeBron James with the emphatic slide across the hardwood! This franchise cornerstone letting everyone know!
Abraham Lincoln waves goodbye to the temple of basketball! See you next time, from the seed dibber to the damn ball!
Steve Nash and Michael Jordan pretend to fish LeBron James out of the crowd. They pull hard. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
91-101 (L)
Abraham Lincoln lands the first buzzer beater! First blood! The farmer strikes first!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James short-arms a pull-up jumper at half court! Not enough lift!
Michael Jordan, this tower, gets the ball poked away! Ego the size of Texas when protecting the pill!
Abraham Lincoln gives up the back door! Tendency to rush when overplaying!
Abraham Lincoln treats the Spalding like the stubborn soil and sinks it. Easy as pie for a farmer!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Little secret: LeBron James has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Abraham Lincoln walks away muttering! Muttering about the stubborn soil under their breath!
Abraham Lincoln misses the free throw! Cultivating the stubborn soil under pressure is easier!
This franchise guy Steve Nash attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, is dragging! The allotted time minutes taking their toll!
Michael Jordan shoots to the tunnel in disappointment. This generational talent will learn from this.
LeBron James replays the score in his head on a loop. Steve Nash tries to think about something else. I learned that LeBron James's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
113-112 (W)
LeBron James, this tree of a man, takes the court! The hostile crowd is electric!
This multi-time All-Star Steve Nash with a critical stop! A monster swat when it counts!
Air ball from Jesus Christ! Being a messiah doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
A fadeaway jumper from Michael Jordan! This franchise cornerstone reminding everyone why they're on top!
This living legend Michael Jordan uses the floater over this giant coverage! Smart!
Break. Jesus Christ collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know Jesus Christ keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James with nerves of steel! A deep three when it matters most!
Jesus Christ shuts the door facing the rim! That's how you play defense!
Confetti falls as Abraham Lincoln exits! A farmer's grand finale on the den!
Abraham Lincoln comes alive in crunch time! The farmer instinct kicks in!
That's the game! Steve Nash finishes with a monster performance! This world-class player victorious!
Jesus Christ performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Abraham Lincoln imitates it. It's worse. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
107-117 (L)
This household name Michael Jordan in the starting lineup! Let's see what this household name brings!
Michael Jordan, this first-ballot legend, sends the pill wide! The touch is off tonight!
Turnover by Jesus Christ! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Jesus Christ gets caught flat-footed! This franchise cornerstone beaten to the spot!
A floater from Abraham Lincoln facing the rim! That's a certified bucket-getter!
Both teams head to the locker room. Abraham Lincoln wipes his forehead with his jersey. Juicy anecdote: Abraham Lincoln was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
This global icon Abraham Lincoln can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Jesus Christ forces up a deep three over the defense! Sometimes predictable game! Bad decision!
Abraham Lincoln makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true farmer!
Michael Jordan, this tower, laboring up and down! Ego the size of Texas draining the energy!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jesus Christ mutters 'damn' under his breath. Steve Nash says 'yeah' in the same tone. Did you know that Steve Nash practices messiah on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
93-107 (L)
LeBron James steps back with energy from the opening whistle! This generational talent locked in!
This headliner Steve Nash shanks a hook shot at the buzzer! That's uncharacteristic!
This All-Star caliber talent Steve Nash commits the 5-second violation! Clock management hot head!
Steve Nash, this solid build, fouls unnecessarily driving to the hoop! Sometimes predictable game!
Michael Jordan scores from the low block! A bank shot with scary good handles! Brilliant!
Intermission. LeBron James dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know LeBron James knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Cleveland Twin-Towers's colors. By accident, obviously. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Michael Jordan crosses over the towel! This guy with rings on every finger showing hot head!
Abraham Lincoln with the off-balance fadeaway jumper! This basketball god couldn't set the feet!
This household name LeBron James adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Jesus Christ gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a messiah begging the game for mercy!
Abraham Lincoln, this tweener, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a gym-rat work ethic effort.
LeBron James punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Michael Jordan slides down the wall to the floor. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
93-114 (L)
Abraham Lincoln, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
Michael Jordan penetrates but overcooks it! Lack of consistency showing up again!
LeBron James coughs up the Wilson! Tendency to rush strikes again at half court!
This first-ballot legend Abraham Lincoln can't recover! Scored on off the pick and roll! Tendency to force bad shots!
Steve Nash knocks down a double-clutch layup from the left corner! Ice in the veins!
The players head to the locker room. Michael Jordan is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Michael Jordan once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
LeBron James, this titan, wastes a golden chance with a wild buzzer-beater!
Steve Nash sets the screen at the perfect angle! This jersey-selling name cerebral play!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Injury-prone body taking its toll!
Steve Nash walks off in silence. This bonafide star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jesus Christ lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Steve Nash decides not to comment. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
102-111 (L)
Steve Nash shoots onto the floor! The crowd roars for this elite player!
Brick! Steve Nash misfires along the baseline! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
This potential GOAT LeBron James with turnover number lengths ahead! Limited stamina is piling up!
This basketball god LeBron James fouls reaching in! Injury-prone body on defense!
LeBron James penetrates past everyone for a tear drop! This tree of a man on a mission!
End of the first half. Michael Jordan is beet red but still standing. Little secret: Michael Jordan listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Abraham Lincoln storms to the bench! Heated! This farmer doesn't handle losing well!
Abraham Lincoln, this basketball god, with the shot-clock heave! No good facing the rim!
Jesus Christ runs the offense! Running it like a messiah runs the show!
Michael Jordan misses from fatigue! This basketball god can't get the elevation at half court!
Abraham Lincoln sits alone on the bench. This living legend processing the defeat.
Abraham Lincoln turns back to look at the court one last time. LeBron James doesn't turn around. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
94-117 (L)
Michael Jordan, this hall-of-fame lock, draws first blood! A sky hook to start!
Abraham Lincoln clanks it off the rim! That sounded like the seed dibber hitting the stubborn soil!
Abraham Lincoln fires away into a dead end from way beyond the arc! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses!
Abraham Lincoln gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a farmer's worst day on the job!
Jesus Christ attacks back to the basket and finishes with a euro-step! Too good!
Both teams head in. Abraham Lincoln has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know Abraham Lincoln started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
This absolute legend Michael Jordan shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
LeBron James gets a clean look but heavy feet costs the bucket!
Steve Nash, this reliable star, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Natural-born leadership!
Michael Jordan, this tower, looks exhausted from the left corner! The legs are gone!
Steve Nash, this jersey-selling name, takes the loss hard. Sometimes predictable game at the wrong moments.
Abraham Lincoln unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. LeBron James runs a hand down his face. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
My Team ends the season #8 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got LeBron James on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 206 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Jesus Christ. A messiah in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Jesus Christ has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
Now listen up, the owner has pulled out the checkbook and he's willing to eat the luxury tax penalties. We're in the big leagues. Two max contracts, well-paid veterans on every corner. They're all-in. Every extra dollar spent costs them three in taxes, but they don't care: they want to raise that trophy in June and they've got the firepower to back it up.
My Team ends the season #8 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
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