Ai liverpool — football_team 🇸🇬

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Danny Ings's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Jonjo Shelvey! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Danny Ings climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Jonjo Shelvey films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Jon Flanagan intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Jordan Henderson put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Ibrahima Konaté jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Pepe Reina parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Ibrahima Konaté launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Nat Phillips throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Nat Phillips to Jordan Henderson, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Jordan Henderson sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Jordan Henderson fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Fabinho throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Fabinho, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Pepe Reina sparks the transition with a quick throw to Jordan Henderson, the break is lightning fast. Jordan Henderson launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Jordan Henderson was flying. Lightning overlap from Jordan Henderson, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Jordan Henderson, Jonjo Shelvey receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Pepe Reina palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Pepe Reina has covered seven kilometres already." Fabinho shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Pepe Reina fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Pepe Reina is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 183, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Pepe Reina comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

David Ngog goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Pepe Reina parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Jon Flanagan clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Brad Smith with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Brad Smith to Danny Ings, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Pepe Reina getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Ibrahima Konaté wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Nat Phillips. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Ibrahima Konaté links up with David Ngog, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Fabinho is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Brad Smith clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Ibrahima Konaté! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Jordan Henderson curls a cross to the near post, Brad Smith is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Pepe Reina slides on his knees across the wet turf, Nat Phillips piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Fabinho winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Fabinho does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Jonjo Shelvey launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Pepe Reina arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Jordan Henderson sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Jordan Henderson dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Brad Smith arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Brad Smith places his header from the cross by Danny Ings, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Jon Flanagan sends an aerial beauty to Jonjo Shelvey, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from David Ngog, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Jonjo Shelvey is there to gobble it up. Jonjo Shelvey drifts just offside as David Ngog plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Ibrahima Konaté to Jon Flanagan, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Fabinho threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Jonjo Shelvey bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Jonjo Shelvey! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Jonjo Shelvey takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Brad Smith is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Nat Phillips, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Nat Phillips adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 29, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! David Ngog jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Brad Smith, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Brad Smith, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Jay Spearing to Brad Smith, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Brad Smith, Jonjo Shelvey receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Jonjo Shelvey! The goal was empty, Ibrahima Konaté puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Ibrahima Konaté slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Ibrahima Konaté slides a beauty through the gap, Jonjo Shelvey is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Jonjo Shelvey goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Pepe Reina runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Jon Flanagan joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Ibrahima Konaté puts Jonjo Shelvey into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Jonjo Shelvey wants to find Fabinho between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Jordan Henderson to Jonjo Shelvey, they bypass the wall with the combination. Jonjo Shelvey shifts it to David Ngog with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Brad Smith exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Pepe Reina just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Pepe Reina legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Jordan Henderson tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Jordan Henderson presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Jordan Henderson, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Jordan Henderson! On the inswinging cross from Jonjo Shelvey, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Jordan Henderson right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Ibrahima Konaté tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Pepe Reina has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Brad Smith, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Brad Smith! It fizzes between the lines and Nat Phillips collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Nat Phillips sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Brad Smith rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Ibrahima Konaté jumps on his back, Pepe Reina is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Pepe Reina points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Ibrahima Konaté comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Danny Ings places it inside the post from the cross by Jordan Henderson, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Danny Ings mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Fabinho plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Pepe Reina plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Fabinho is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Danny Ings adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Brad Smith sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 32, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Fabinho high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Jordan Henderson, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Jonjo Shelvey. Jonjo Shelvey crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Jon Flanagan in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Jordan Henderson, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Jordan Henderson pretends to strike and lays it off to Jonjo Shelvey, well worked short free kick. Jonjo Shelvey takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Jonjo Shelvey! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Jon Flanagan on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Jon Flanagan picks out Nat Phillips with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Nat Phillips eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Nat Phillips pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Nat Phillips finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Nat Phillips, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Nat Phillips opens up to Brad Smith on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Brad Smith there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from David Ngog, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Pepe Reina grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Brad Smith is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Jon Flanagan and Danny Ings, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Danny Ings spots the gap and sends Jordan Henderson into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Jordan Henderson sets it for Jon Flanagan, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Jon Flanagan slips Nat Phillips in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Brad Smith lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Nat Phillips down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Nat Phillips was beyond the last man when Jon Flanagan released the pass. David Ngog scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Fabinho grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Jonjo Shelvey pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Pepe Reina to Jon Flanagan, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Jon Flanagan to the near post and wins the header. Jon Flanagan was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Ibrahima Konaté! Sumptuous header on the cross from Danny Ings, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Pepe Reina stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Nat Phillips comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Jonjo Shelvey reads the movement from Jordan Henderson and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Jordan Henderson! On the gift from Danny Ings, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Jonjo Shelvey stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Brad Smith follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Pepe Reina plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Jordan Henderson shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Jonjo Shelvey. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Jonjo Shelvey looks for Jon Flanagan but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Jay Spearing hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Jay Spearing loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Jonjo Shelvey is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at David Ngog and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Pepe Reina owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 183, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Brad Smith leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Jay Spearing launches it to Jordan Henderson on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Jon Flanagan! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Jonjo Shelvey is away on his own. That is velvet. Jonjo Shelvey bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

David Ngog triggers a change of flanks for Jonjo Shelvey, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Jonjo Shelvey, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from David Ngog, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Fabinho played as a cross, Jordan Henderson positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Jordan Henderson, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Pepe Reina! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Danny Ings to Jay Spearing, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Jay Spearing spreads the play and finds Fabinho in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Fabinho plays it simple to Jonjo Shelvey, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Jonjo Shelvey puts it right into the feet of Danny Ings, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Fabinho spreads it to Nat Phillips, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Nat Phillips tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Nat Phillips, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Pepe Reina launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Jon Flanagan after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Jon Flanagan to Danny Ings, faster than the opposition can think. Danny Ings gifts Brad Smith a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Jon Flanagan and Fabinho do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Jon Flanagan turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Danny Ings, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Danny Ings! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Danny Ings sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Danny Ings legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. David Ngog tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Jonjo Shelvey finds the gap and serves David Ngog in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from David Ngog, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Jordan Henderson does not fancy the shot and goes short to Jon Flanagan, trying to disorganise the defence. Jon Flanagan beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Jon Flanagan rolls it to Danny Ings, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Danny Ings and Jay Spearing blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Pepe Reina eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jonjo Shelvey pulls Pepe Reina away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Fabinho takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Fabinho over the entire defence, Brad Smith finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Pepe Reina! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Pepe Reina to Jon Flanagan, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Nat Phillips wants to push higher. Danny Ings reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Danny Ings, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Nat Phillips, standing at 190, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Fabinho is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Fabinho delivers a tidy ball to David Ngog, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from David Ngog that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Nat Phillips sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Ibrahima Konaté absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Danny Ings into Nat Phillips, right into the boots. No waste. Nat Phillips turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Ibrahima Konaté. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Ibrahima Konaté! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Jordan Henderson is beside himself. Tidy restart from Pepe Reina along the deck to Nat Phillips, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Nat Phillips shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Jonjo Shelvey chips his cross over the back line, Jon Flanagan is at the far post, free as a bird. Jon Flanagan goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

David Ngog finds Jon Flanagan between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Jon Flanagan switches the play to Nat Phillips on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Nat Phillips dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Nat Phillips goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Jonjo Shelvey, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Jonjo Shelvey shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Jonjo Shelvey... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Pepe Reina eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jonjo Shelvey pulls Pepe Reina away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Brad Smith. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Danny Ings! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Danny Ings takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. David Ngog follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Danny Ings plays the simple ball to Ibrahima Konaté, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Ibrahima Konaté pulls it back along the ground for Danny Ings, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Danny Ings! On the genius pass from Fabinho, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Danny Ings climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. David Ngog films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Jordan Henderson followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Jordan Henderson treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Jordan Henderson stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Fabinho comes over and hugs him without a word.

Fabinho delivers an inswinging free kick, Danny Ings at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Danny Ings, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Jonjo Shelvey hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Nat Phillips wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Brad Smith! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Brad Smith to Jordan Henderson, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Jordan Henderson, Fabinho had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. David Ngog gives it to Jay Spearing into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Jay Spearing, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Pepe Reina winces. Jon Flanagan looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Jordan Henderson once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 36-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Fabinho sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Ibrahima Konaté produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Jordan Henderson powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Jordan Henderson floats a cross in from the wing for Jon Flanagan, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Jay Spearing changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Brad Smith. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Brad Smith who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Fabinho picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Fabinho delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Jonjo Shelvey hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Pepe Reina throws it out quickly to Danny Ings, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Danny Ings to Jordan Henderson, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Jordan Henderson who crosses to the near post for Brad Smith. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Pepe Reina runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. David Ngog joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Jonjo Shelvey is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Ibrahima Konaté heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Ibrahima Konaté looks up and launches a long pass towards Nat Phillips. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Nat Phillips to Jonjo Shelvey, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Jonjo Shelvey, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Danny Ings and Jonjo Shelvey are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Danny Ings. "Next time," replies Jonjo Shelvey. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Danny Ings tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Danny Ings follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Jordan Henderson! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Danny Ings fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Jay Spearing plays the medic running in. Pepe Reina plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Brad Smith sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Brad Smith, threading it through for Jordan Henderson, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Jordan Henderson! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Ibrahima Konaté with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Ibrahima Konaté, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Ibrahima Konaté! On the pass from Jordan Henderson, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Ibrahima Konaté spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. David Ngog gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Fabinho into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Jon Flanagan, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

David Ngog drops a lofted ball to Jordan Henderson, it sails over the entire midfield line. Jordan Henderson lofts a cross into the box, David Ngog is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. David Ngog rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Jay Spearing aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 38 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Jay Spearing just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Danny Ings, standing 178, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Jay Spearing sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Pepe Reina fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. David Ngog plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Brad Smith refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Brad Smith commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Brad Smith picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Brad Smith tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Jonjo Shelvey comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Brad Smith in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Jordan Henderson puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Jordan Henderson reaches the byline and cuts it back for David Ngog arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Pepe Reina dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Brad Smith! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Brad Smith, the ball skims the grass and finds Jon Flanagan who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Jon Flanagan rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Pepe Reina distributes short to Jonjo Shelvey, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Jonjo Shelvey to Brad Smith, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Brad Smith drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Fabinho is a dangerous one, Danny Ings meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Danny Ings loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Pepe Reina! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Pepe Reina walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Brad Smith follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Jon Flanagan rips through the defensive curtain, Brad Smith is flying into the space like an arrow. Brad Smith looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Jon Flanagan mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Fabinho raises Jon Flanagan's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Pepe Reina plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Jon Flanagan clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Jonjo Shelvey, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Jay Spearing on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Jay Spearing dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Jay Spearing booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Jay Spearing plays a low free kick into the box, Jonjo Shelvey cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Pepe Reina hoofs it forward towards David Ngog, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from David Ngog, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Ibrahima Konaté brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Ibrahima Konaté, he puts it on the far post for Jon Flanagan. Jon Flanagan tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Pepe Reina is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Ibrahima Konaté! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Ibrahima Konaté slides it to Jon Flanagan, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Jonjo Shelvey is biting {his} nails in the corner. Pepe Reina stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Jon Flanagan once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 33-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Danny Ings leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Nat Phillips lays it off first time to Jonjo Shelvey, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Jonjo Shelvey keeps it short to Jordan Henderson, no frills, just good football intelligence. Jordan Henderson takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Jordan Henderson tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Jay Spearing's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Nat Phillips boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Nat Phillips launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Nat Phillips, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. David Ngog tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Ibrahima Konaté sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Fabinho bounces off Nat Phillips, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Fabinho and the entire defence is eliminated, Jonjo Shelvey is through on goal. The space is enormous. Jonjo Shelvey is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Brad Smith is shaking his head. Short distribution from Pepe Reina to Fabinho, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Fabinho, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Brad Smith reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Brad Smith to David Ngog, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. David Ngog looks for Danny Ings with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. David Ngog kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Nat Phillips does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Pepe Reina kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Jonjo Shelvey takes a knee behind him. Pepe Reina raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Brad Smith and Danny Ings, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Brad Smith! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Brad Smith legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Danny Ings tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Jon Flanagan and Jay Spearing, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Jay Spearing, Jordan Henderson arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Jordan Henderson winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Jon Flanagan strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. David Ngog points at it, jaw on the floor. Pepe Reina shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Danny Ings, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Danny Ings, finding Jay Spearing in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Jay Spearing to Jonjo Shelvey, the ball drifts into the free zone and Jonjo Shelvey is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Brad Smith, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Brad Smith takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Jay Spearing got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 38 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Nat Phillips is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Jordan Henderson down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Jordan Henderson looks up and swings in a floated cross, David Ngog rises among the defenders. Cross from David Ngog far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Jonjo Shelvey on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Jonjo Shelvey for Ibrahima Konaté in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Ibrahima Konaté unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Jordan Henderson! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Danny Ings picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Danny Ings thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Ibrahima Konaté's pass. Pepe Reina goes long for Nat Phillips, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Nat Phillips sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Jay Spearing is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from David Ngog to Ibrahima Konaté, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Ibrahima Konaté with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Ibrahima Konaté fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from David Ngog, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Brad Smith sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Danny Ings is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Danny Ings is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Brad Smith's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Brad Smith feeds Nat Phillips in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Jay Spearing, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Jay Spearing shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Pepe Reina distributes by hand to David Ngog on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. David Ngog wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Jonjo Shelvey pings a long diagonal to Nat Phillips, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Nat Phillips! Jon Flanagan picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Jon Flanagan takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Jon Flanagan, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Jonjo Shelvey.

Points shared. Fabinho sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Jordan Henderson crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Jon Flanagan! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Jonjo Shelvey onto the pass from David Ngog produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Jon Flanagan runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Fabinho gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Fabinho, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! David Ngog turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Pepe Reina, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to David Ngog. Aerial duel lost by David Ngog, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Pepe Reina stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Jay Spearing, header from David Ngog at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Jonjo Shelvey pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Jonjo Shelvey launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Jordan Henderson's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Danny Ings who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Pepe Reina is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Brad Smith, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Jay Spearing once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 38 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Danny Ings wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Brad Smith launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Jon Flanagan! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Jon Flanagan, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Brad Smith there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Danny Ings tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Jay Spearing gives it to Fabinho who returns it first time, Jay Spearing ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Jay Spearing accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Jay Spearing in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Jay Spearing combines with Jordan Henderson from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Pepe Reina and Ibrahima Konaté do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Pepe Reina arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Jay Spearing plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Jay Spearing. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Jay Spearing, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Fabinho is lurking. Aerial duel won by Fabinho in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Pepe Reina rolls it short to Jay Spearing into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Jay Spearing finds Danny Ings on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Danny Ings delivers a tidy ball to David Ngog, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Jay Spearing walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Ibrahima Konaté carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from David Ngog from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. David Ngog storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from David Ngog! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

David Ngog sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Ibrahima Konaté snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Pepe Reina waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Jon Flanagan with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. David Ngog spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Jon Flanagan grabs Jonjo Shelvey who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Jonjo Shelvey a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Brad Smith to Jon Flanagan, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Jon Flanagan. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Jon Flanagan, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Jon Flanagan... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Ibrahima Konaté in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Jonjo Shelvey! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Jonjo Shelvey plays it into the channel for Jon Flanagan, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Jon Flanagan aims for Jonjo Shelvey but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Jon Flanagan! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Jon Flanagan boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Ibrahima Konaté with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Ibrahima Konaté! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Jonjo Shelvey. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Jordan Henderson is leaning back with {his} feet up, 182 cm of pure relaxation. Jon Flanagan is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Ibrahima Konaté once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 27 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Jay Spearing leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Jonjo Shelvey unleashes a raking ball out to Fabinho, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Fabinho weights his pass into the space for Jonjo Shelvey who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Jordan Henderson launches a long ball for Jonjo Shelvey, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Pepe Reina plays out from the back with Ibrahima Konaté, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Ibrahima Konaté, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Pepe Reina closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Pepe Reina opts for the short option to Brad Smith, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Jonjo Shelvey delivered with pace, Brad Smith finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Brad Smith is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Jonjo Shelvey slips David Ngog in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Nat Phillips for David Ngog who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and David Ngog is caught offside from Jonjo Shelvey's ball over the top. Pepe Reina boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Danny Ings! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Danny Ings slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Pepe Reina plays it along the ground to Jordan Henderson, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Jordan Henderson! The ball arcs over the midfield and Jonjo Shelvey collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Jonjo Shelvey releases Nat Phillips with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Nat Phillips gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Jordan Henderson just needs to sidefoot it home. Jordan Henderson with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Pepe Reina walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Fabinho follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Jonjo Shelvey to Jay Spearing, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Jay Spearing lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Pepe Reina, Nat Phillips positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Nat Phillips explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Nat Phillips over the defence, Brad Smith is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Ibrahima Konaté goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Ibrahima Konaté inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Jonjo Shelvey plays the free kick quickly to Nat Phillips, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Nat Phillips strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Danny Ings tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Jay Spearing picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Jay Spearing, it sails over the entire back four and Brad Smith is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Pepe Reina! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Pepe Reina sends an absolute rocket towards Ibrahima Konaté, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Fabinho claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Jonjo Shelvey's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 34 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. David Ngog salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Danny Ings overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Danny Ings, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Jonjo Shelvey. Danger. Cross from Jonjo Shelvey intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Jonjo Shelvey, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Jay Spearing, lovely delivery and Danny Ings rises above the defence. Danny Ings goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Danny Ings to Jonjo Shelvey, playing it quick between the lines. Jonjo Shelvey wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Nat Phillips goes crossfield to Fabinho, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Fabinho off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds David Ngog at the far side. Pepe Reina repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Danny Ings heads the corner from Jay Spearing at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Brad Smith has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Brad Smith sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Pepe Reina lumps it long towards Danny Ings, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Danny Ings! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Danny Ings feeds Jonjo Shelvey in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Jonjo Shelvey! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Jordan Henderson is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Jon Flanagan pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Jon Flanagan goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Danny Ings! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Danny Ings spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Jon Flanagan kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Danny Ings takes a knee behind him. Pepe Reina raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Jordan Henderson rises on the delivery from David Ngog and powers a furious header into the net!

Ibrahima Konaté rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Jon Flanagan. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Jon Flanagan for Jay Spearing, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Jay Spearing into the box, Jon Flanagan arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Pepe Reina! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Pepe Reina smashes a volley towards Danny Ings, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Danny Ings! Brad Smith receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Jay Spearing is chatting with Pepe Reina about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Ibrahima Konaté — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 194, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Pepe Reina is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Brad Smith is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Brad Smith has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Brad Smith plays the free kick back to Nat Phillips, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Jordan Henderson, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Jordan Henderson grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Jordan Henderson, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Jordan Henderson shapes to shoot but plays it short to Danny Ings, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Danny Ings and Jon Flanagan, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Jon Flanagan, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Nat Phillips! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Nat Phillips feeds Jon Flanagan in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Jon Flanagan to Jay Spearing, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

David Ngog gives it to Jordan Henderson into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Jordan Henderson has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Nat Phillips, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Jordan Henderson! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Jay Spearing pings a ridiculous diagonal to Fabinho. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Fabinho is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Ibrahima Konaté lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Pepe Reina grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Brad Smith pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Jay Spearing feeds David Ngog in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from David Ngog! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Nat Phillips anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Nat Phillips beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Nat Phillips takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Danny Ings, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Danny Ings sets it for David Ngog, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Pepe Reina plays it short to Jordan Henderson, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Jordan Henderson plays the simple ball to Jay Spearing, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Pepe Reina, you have the pace. Brad Smith, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Pepe Reina, all 183 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Ibrahima Konaté leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Pepe Reina to Danny Ings, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Danny Ings powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Danny Ings tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Pepe Reina! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Pepe Reina, sends the ball sixty yards, Jordan Henderson is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Jordan Henderson clears the defence and finds David Ngog in the danger area. David Ngog beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. David Ngog winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Jordan Henderson gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Jordan Henderson. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Jordan Henderson earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Jordan Henderson is floated in, David Ngog makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Pepe Reina spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Jay Spearing gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Ibrahima Konaté swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Danny Ings, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Danny Ings wins the header and flicks it on for Jay Spearing. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Danny Ings under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Ibrahima Konaté dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Fabinho sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Danny Ings. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Jordan Henderson drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Jonjo Shelvey read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Jonjo Shelvey, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Danny Ings leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Danny Ings racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Danny Ings's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Pepe Reina for Jay Spearing who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Pepe Reina slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Jay Spearing has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Pepe Reina sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Fabinho! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Danny Ings, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. David Ngog catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from David Ngog! On the pass from Jay Spearing, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

David Ngog does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Pepe Reina launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Pepe Reina arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Jay Spearing finds Fabinho between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Fabinho along the grass for Jay Spearing. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Jay Spearing trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Fabinho had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Jonjo Shelvey lays it off first time to Ibrahima Konaté, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Ibrahima Konaté squares it back for Nat Phillips, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Pepe Reina catapults the ball towards Nat Phillips from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Nat Phillips who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Nat Phillips. One touch football: Nat Phillips to Fabinho, faster than the opposition can think.

Fabinho starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Ibrahima Konaté conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Danny Ings was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 178, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Ibrahima Konaté jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Danny Ings, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Brad Smith sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Pepe Reina is at the centre, lifted up by Fabinho and Pepe Reina, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Fabinho on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Fabinho, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Nat Phillips mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Nat Phillips sends an inswinging free kick in, Jordan Henderson rises for the header at the far post.

Brad Smith cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Brad Smith slides it to Ibrahima Konaté, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Ibrahima Konaté to Jonjo Shelvey, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Brad Smith, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Jon Flanagan. Jon Flanagan tries to find Brad Smith but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Brad Smith goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Brad Smith just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Fabinho has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Jordan Henderson presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Jordan Henderson unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Nat Phillips frees up the entire channel for David Ngog with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from David Ngog, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Brad Smith.

Brilliant! Nat Phillips goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Pepe Reina photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'