aussie buccaneers — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | aussie buccaneers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen... Aussie buccaneers! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Shaquille O'Neal is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 216 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Harry Potter. The man. Is. A juggler. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A juggler. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a juggler and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
102-111 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal, this titan, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
This hooper's hooper Anthony Edwards misses the mark! A buzzer beater goes begging at the buzzer!
Elon Musk trips up in the top of the key! An engineer never trips at work... Right?
Elon Musk, this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over lack of consistency!
Elon Musk catches fire! And it's a hook shot! Silky smooth technique taking over!
That's a cut. Shaquille O'Neal stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know Shaquille O'Neal started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Harry Potter storms to the bench! This basketball god is visibly upset!
Anthony Edwards, this legit talent, pulls the trigger in transition but no luck!
Anthony Edwards reads the defense perfectly! Natural-born leadership and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Elon Musk is visibly tired! This household name needs a timeout badly!
Elon Musk tips the cap to the winners! The engineer's grace with the impossible structure!
Shaquille O'Neal takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Harry Potter doesn't drink. Throat too tight. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
126-81 (W)
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, dominates under the basket and puts up a bucket! Unstoppable!
Elon Musk with the no-look pass! This first-ballot legend has eyes in the back of the head!
Harry Potter with the step-back reverse layup! Creating space like a juggler with their bare hands!
Shaquille O'Neal times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A rebound in traffic driving to the hoop!
Rest. Harry Potter buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know? Harry Potter has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
LeBron James, this first-ballot legend, drops a hook shot on the low block! Pure artistry!
Anthony Edwards, this tower, makes it look like practice! Total domination!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, steps on the teammate's foot! Down goes this first-ballot legend!
Harry Potter points to the sky after a layup! This franchise cornerstone in the zone!
LeBron James can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Harry Potter mimes popping a champagne bottle. LeBron James mimes chugging straight from it. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
111-106 (W)
LeBron James, this colossus, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
Elon Musk, this swiss-army-knife type, swats it into the third row! A monster swat!
Harry Potter launches and misses! The ball isn't the game, and it shows!
Shaquille O'Neal, this living legend, unleashes a bank shot in transition! Bang!
Elon Musk runs the offense! Running it like an engineer runs the show!
Heading in. Anthony Edwards's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Quick anecdote about Anthony Edwards: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Shaquille O'Neal pulls up past everyone in the first half! A double-clutch layup! Legendary!
Anthony Edwards strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
Shaquille O'Neal soaks in a hostile crowd! This all-time great living for these moments!
LeBron James with the go-ahead tear drop! This basketball god seizes the moment!
That's the game! Anthony Edwards finishes with a monster performance! This hooper's hooper victorious!
Anthony Edwards and Harry Potter leap onto each other like kids. Elon Musk comes sprinting in and crushes them both. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
127-84 (W)
Game time! Anthony Edwards and this seasoned vet ready to put on a show at the field house!
Harry Potter muscles through for a free throw! The strength of a juggler moving the game!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mammoth, delivers the entry pass! Beautiful feed into the post!
What a play by Anthony Edwards! A half-court heave at the buzzer! This player making noise is cooking!
Elon Musk forces the turnover! Pressuring like building the impossible structure under deadline!
Into the tunnel. Harry Potter grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Fun fact: Harry Potter failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
This certified GOAT candidate Harry Potter with a cold-blooded alley-oop! No conscience!
Anthony Edwards and the garbage time lineup! This respected competitor can rest easy!
This all-time great LeBron James does the robot during the dead ball! A primal scream!
Elon Musk celebrates with a raised fist! Mimicking building the impossible structure on the court!
Elon Musk tallied double figures! Double the impossible structure, double the glory!
Harry Potter pretends to faint from happiness. Anthony Edwards pretends to call 911. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
125-80 (W)
Anthony Edwards, this up-and-coming baller, draws first blood! A reverse layup to start!
Elon Musk with the decisive scoop layup! Nerves of steel when it matters most!
Anthony Edwards with the incredible court vision! This established player sees passes nobody else does!
Anthony Edwards buries a floater in transition! This solid pro is on fire tonight!
LeBron James forces the step-out-of-bounds! This certified GOAT candidate hawking the ball!
First half is done. LeBron James is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little scoop: LeBron James tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Harry Potter hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a juggler lifting their bare hands!
LeBron James crosses over without breaking a sweat! This absolute legend cruise control!
This household name Shaquille O'Neal sits on the ball during the timeout! Making themselves at home!
Harry Potter shimmies after a thunderous slam! Shaking it off, the juggler is feeling it!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, celebrates the win! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! What a game!
LeBron James takes Anthony Edwards by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
104-99 (W)
Elon Musk bounces the orange pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Anthony Edwards with the suffocating defense! This next-level player is a wall out there!
Shaquille O'Neal, this undisputed superstar, with the shot-clock heave! No good along the baseline!
Shaquille O'Neal, this colossus, posts up and delivers a two-handed slam! Textbook!
This respected competitor Anthony Edwards adjusts the angle mid-drive! Night-in night-out consistency body control!
The players leave the court. Shaquille O'Neal clings to the tunnel railing. Bus driver's confession: Shaquille O'Neal raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Anthony Edwards, this colossus, blocks the go-ahead attempt! Coming out of the locker room a rebound in traffic!
Elon Musk covers acres of the palace of hoops! The endurance of an engineer on a double shift!
Shaquille O'Neal, this undisputed superstar, waves the crowd up! A packed arena rising!
Elon Musk owns the moment! This is Elon Musk's the impossible structure, and they know it!
LeBron James penetrates in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Anthony Edwards does a backflip. Well, he tries. Shaquille O'Neal applauds the effort. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
123-88 (W)
Harry Potter steps onto the palace of hoops! From competing the game to this, game time!
Harry Potter, this undisputed superstar, threads the needle for a bucket in the paint!
Elon Musk finds the cutter! Eyes everywhere, classic engineer awareness!
Anthony Edwards with the crafty scoop layup! Pure God-given talent on display!
Elon Musk with the chase-down defensive stop! Running like an engineer chasing the impossible structure!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Anthony Edwards to massage his thighs. Small detail: Anthony Edwards whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Anthony Edwards strings together a scoop layup along the baseline. Pure God-given talent on full display!
This potential GOAT Elon Musk and the team deliver a masterpiece! A sky hook! Perfection!
This guy with rings on every finger Elon Musk catches the Wilson between the legs! Not intentionally!
Harry Potter roars at the venue! The roar of a juggler conquering the game!
This absolute legend Elon Musk walks off to a standing ovation! Immense pressure! Incredible!
Harry Potter cries tears of joy in Anthony Edwards's arms. Shaquille O'Neal is also crying but nobody knows why. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
101-97 (W)
Anthony Edwards looks dialed in from the start! Nerves of steel preparation showing!
Shaquille O'Neal draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
LeBron James misses the open look! This potential GOAT can't believe it! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Harry Potter dunks and fires a deep three! This all-around player lighting it up!
Anthony Edwards, this mountain of a man, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Break. Anthony Edwards asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Small detail: Anthony Edwards whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
LeBron James with the dagger off-balance shot! This absolute legend buries the opposition!
Shaquille O'Neal with the chase-down surgical steal! What athleticism!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, commands an incredible energy! The arena belongs to this certified GOAT candidate!
Elon Musk with the defensive stand! Standing firm with their slide rule resolve!
This potential GOAT LeBron James wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Harry Potter climbs onto the scorer's table. Shaquille O'Neal joins him. Security is unsure whether to intervene. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
88-109 (L)
The game begins and Shaquille O'Neal is ready! You can see an unmatched feel for the game written all over his face!
Shaquille O'Neal gets a clean look but defense that's basically a suggestion costs the bucket!
Shaquille O'Neal with a wild pass that sails out! This first-ballot legend giving it away!
This undisputed superstar Harry Potter misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Elon Musk attacks driving to the hoop and finishes with an alley-oop! Too good!
Time to breathe. Harry Potter has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Anecdote: Harry Potter fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
This next-level player Anthony Edwards throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Elon Musk misses! Even an engineer can't fix that shot!
Harry Potter communicates the switch! Clear as a juggler's instructions!
Shaquille O'Neal, this long boy, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this potential GOAT wanted.
Shaquille O'Neal turns back to look at the court one last time. LeBron James doesn't turn around. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
104-109 (L)
The gymnasium welcomes Harry Potter! The juggler with the game has arrived!
Harry Potter with pure God-given talent finds the angle for a floater!
Harry Potter gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Elon Musk sends it wide! Their slide rule wouldn't forgive that either!
This hall-of-fame lock Harry Potter with back-to-back buckets! The lead is crumbling!
Intermission. LeBron James dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Physio's confession: LeBron James purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
LeBron James turns it over with seconds left on the clock! This generational talent crumbles under pressure!
Shaquille O'Neal, this walking skyscraper, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
This undisputed superstar Shaquille O'Neal plays every possession like the last! Unreal swagger burning bright!
Elon Musk can't handle the pressure! This basketball god folds in right from the tip-off!
LeBron James posts up to the tunnel in disappointment. This certified GOAT candidate will learn from this.
Harry Potter claps his hands in frustration. Shaquille O'Neal clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
114-102 (W)
Anthony Edwards, this absolute unit, sets the tone immediately! Freakish explosiveness from the jump!
Elon Musk dribbles on the low block with the same confidence they bring to building the impossible structure.
This hooper's hooper Anthony Edwards comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
Anthony Edwards reads the defense like a book! Assist at the top of the key! Eyes in the back of the head!
Harry Potter finds the angle! The angle juggler uses for the game!
That's a wrap for now. Anthony Edwards dives into the tunnel. Did you know Anthony Edwards once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James punishes the defense with a pull-up jumper off the pick and roll!
Harry Potter throws the arm sleeve to the crowd! Better than throwing the game!
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute legend, rotates on defense! Insane court vision team commitment!
Shaquille O'Neal, this first-ballot legend, has been building to this all game! In the dying seconds!
LeBron James walks off the court victorious! This all-time great owns this moment!
Elon Musk runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
105-94 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal fires up the crowd to open the game! This certified GOAT candidate starting strong!
LeBron James, this hall-of-fame lock, knifes through for a scoop layup at the buzzer! Wow!
This franchise cornerstone Harry Potter forces the bad pass! Ridiculous creativity creating turnovers!
Anthony Edwards picks apart the defense! Assist leads to a buzzer beater!
Shaquille O'Neal, this colossus, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! A gym-rat work ethic!
Break! Shaquille O'Neal takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. The staff told me Shaquille O'Neal sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Elon Musk hits at right from the tip-off! Clutch like an engineer meeting a deadline!
The crowd is on its feet! A Playoff atmosphere as Shaquille O'Neal takes the court!
Shaquille O'Neal finds the open teammate! This once-in-a-lifetime player making everyone better!
Elon Musk plays with the grit of someone who builds the impossible structure daily!
Elon Musk posts career numbers! Numbers bigger than the impossible structure inventory!
Anthony Edwards jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
99-98 (W)
Elon Musk takes the court to a roaring arena! The engineer with their slide rule is here!
Anthony Edwards with the huge surgical steal on the low block! This name that's buzzing says no!
Anthony Edwards, this tree of a man, gets the look at the buzzer but the lid's on the rim!
Anthony Edwards scores with an off-the-charts basketball IQ. A pull-up jumper in the paint! Too smooth!
Anthony Edwards, this established player, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Halftime whistle! Elon Musk grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. They say Elon Musk eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Harry Potter makes the crucial stop! Plugging the leak, that's what a juggler does!
Elon Musk anchors the defense! Solid as an engineer's foundation!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, basks in a roaring arena! This is home!
LeBron James pulls up for the game-tying scoop layup! At the jump ball! Unbelievable!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Harry Potter does the floss while LeBron James spins like a top. Anthony Edwards just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
118-102 (W)
Elon Musk gets the starting nod! An engineer starting with their slide rule confidence!
Anthony Edwards, this absolute unit, showcases pure God-given talent with a gorgeous euro-step!
Anthony Edwards, this walking skyscraper, alters the shot! Eyes in the back of the head at the rim!
LeBron James, this beanpole, drops the dime! Next-level basketball IQ passing on display!
LeBron James slows the pace when the team needs it! This basketball god tempo control!
Break. Shaquille O'Neal asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Confession: Shaquille O'Neal calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Anthony Edwards drives past the defense for a pull-up jumper! Size advantage from this this 7-footer!
A cathedral silence fills the arena! This all-time great Harry Potter feeds off the energy!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
From their slide rule to a double-clutch layup, Elon Musk's range is unmatched!
This basketball god LeBron James secures the win with an off-the-charts basketball IQ! Another one in the bag!
LeBron James runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Harry Potter follows doing the wave alone. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
109-96 (W)
Tip-off! Elon Musk gets us started! Let's go!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Harry Potter goes to work under the basket! A pull-up jumper drops beautifully!
Elon Musk plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this living legend!
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal finds the open man! Assist and a reverse layup!
Harry Potter schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true juggler!
Break! Shaquille O'Neal heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Rumor has it Shaquille O'Neal talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Harry Potter with a reverse layup off the screen! Read that play like a textbook!
LeBron James posts up and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Elon Musk plugs the gap! Plugging holes with engineer efficiency!
Anthony Edwards is writing the story tonight! This respected competitor with a double-clutch layup from the right corner!
Elon Musk grabs the game ball! This household name earned it tonight!
Harry Potter and Shaquille O'Neal do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
aussie buccaneers finishes #3, a fantastic season! 12W-3L. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen... Aussie buccaneers!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Shaquille O'Neal is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 216 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Harry Potter. The man. Is. A juggler. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A juggler. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a juggler and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
aussie buccaneers finishes #3, a fantastic season! 12W-3L. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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