My dream soccer team — football_team 🇸🇬

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. GOOOAL from the university professor! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Defenders don't know what to do, wave after relentless wave. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Crafty ball from Stephen Hawking into the gap, Hulk arrives into the space and collects on the move.

Stephen Hawking pings a long diagonal to Pedri, completely shifts the point of attack. Pedri throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Telepathic pass from Pedri to The Iron Giant, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from The Iron Giant! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar!

Saddil Ramdani slips it to William Saliba on the short corner, the defense stretches to follow. William Saliba looks up and swings in a floated cross, Pedri rises among the defenders. Poor cross from Pedri, the ball sails three yards over the head of Hulk. Wasteful. Lev Yashin finds Pedri with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Pedri wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Nuno Mendes. Aerial dominance in the service of the team.

GOAAAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

The physio works on Saddil Ramdani's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Saddil Ramdani, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Lev Yashin, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Leaked texts reveal Hulk tried to blag a dodgy MOT for a mate's Fiat Punto, only to discover the mechanic was a massive fan. The 28-year-old got a free air freshener and a lecture about brake pads. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Pedri sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

The Iron Giant shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. BANG! Paolo Maldini hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt. Paolo Maldini puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent.

Short restart from Lev Yashin to The Iron Giant, building from the back nice and tidy. The Iron Giant goes crossfield to Paolo Maldini, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Overlap from Paolo Maldini on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Paolo Maldini barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Paolo Maldini rolls the free kick along the ground to Stephen Hawking, it is the short routine.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. The Iron Giant delivers a tidy ball to Nuno Mendes, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Nuno Mendes floats a ball towards Paolo Maldini but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat.

William Saliba with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! William Saliba spreads it to Nuno Mendes, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Nuno Mendes plays the simple ball to Hulk, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The scientist whips in a classic cross for Nuno Mendes in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Nuno Mendes crosses and it takes a deflection off the defender's shin. Ball goes out for a throw.

Magnificent tackle from Hulk! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Acceleration from Saddil Ramdani down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Right-footed cross from Saddil Ramdani, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Petr Čech.

Long kick from Lev Yashin, Nuno Mendes positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Quick exchange between Nuno Mendes and Kobe Bryant, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

Points shared. Paolo Maldini sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Hulk crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

Lob from Pedri over the entire defence, Saddil Ramdani is alone at the far side. Just needs to finish. GOOOAL! OVERHEAD KICK from Saddil Ramdani! The cross from Paolo Maldini arrives, Saddil Ramdani throws himself into the air and BOOM the ball rockets into the top corner! Everyone is on their FEET, that is MAGICAL!

Pedri climbs onto Lev Yashin's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Lev Yashin circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Intelligent short corner from Saddil Ramdani to The Iron Giant, they refuse the aerial cross. Good run from The Iron Giant who crosses to the near post for Nuno Mendes. The defender is beaten to it. Nuno Mendes gets his cross wrong, too much power, not enough accuracy. The keeper gathers. Lev Yashin takes his time and plays it short to Hulk. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Phenomenal leap from Hulk who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him.

Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. Saddil Ramdani has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Kobe Bryant sends an aerial beauty to Pedri, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Underhit ball from Pedri, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

Saddil Ramdani produces a chest control into a roulette. That is pure art. What a hit from Saddil Ramdani! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

The Iron Giant dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. The player opens up to William Saliba on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. William Saliba puts the ball right into the mixer, Nuno Mendes arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Corner from Nuno Mendes and it's pure MAYHEM in the six-yard box! The defense just about survives! Nuno Mendes tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

Lev Yashin paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Lev Yashin exhales and sits. Incredible scenes last summer when Lev Yashin was spotted queuing for forty-five minutes at a Nando's in Croydon. Refused the VIP treatment, said he wanted the authentic experience. Ordered a medium butterfly chicken at 97 years old — no surprises there. And now, our TV game show The Chase Is On the Telly! To win a box set of every Antiques Roadshow episode, text 0800VASE and answer: 'What is the most British response to finding out your vase is worth fifty thousand pounds?' Right then, part two. Nuno Mendes adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

They've scored! México No-Era-Penal break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Saddil Ramdani plays a low free kick into the box, Petr Čech cuts across to meet it in front of goal. The cross from Petr Čech is blocked by a defender, the defence has done its job. Corner from Saddil Ramdani, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Nuno Mendes launches it to Stephen Hawking on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Change of flanks from Saddil Ramdani, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Kobe Bryant. The basketball player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Kobe Bryant slides it to The Iron Giant, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Short pass from the player to William Saliba, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Rapid combination William Saliba-Stephen Hawking, the one-two rips through the midfield. That is snooker.

Massive clearance from the scientist under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now.

Lev Yashin plays it along the ground to William Saliba, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. William Saliba to The Iron Giant, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Overlap from The Iron Giant with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The Iron Giant beautifully lobs the defence with a chipped cross, Nuno Mendes is there to finish.

The ball carrier has no time, three shirts on him instantly. Superb tackle from the player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Kobe Bryant. That is exactly why he is out there. Kobe Bryant has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save. Kobe Bryant sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw.

Shared match. Kobe Bryant walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Pedri does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. Beryl from Cheltenham says the most British response is oh that's nice then quietly putting it back on the shelf. Box set is hers! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

Pedri nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. What a GOAL from Paolo Maldini! On the cross from Pedri, he curls his shot and the ball dies in the bottom corner.

Pedri sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Stephen Hawking photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Lovely use of the ball by Paolo Maldini, finding Saddil Ramdani in a tight pocket of space. Quality. OHHH Saddil Ramdani strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Raking ball from the player to William Saliba, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Nuno Mendes launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Nuno Mendes opens up the space for William Saliba with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. William Saliba fires a low ball back across the box for Paolo Maldini, the defence is caught wrong-footed.

Overlap from the university professor with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. PENALTY awarded by the referee! Stephen Hawking has been brought down in full stride inside the box. The defender committed the foul, the referee SAW everything. Moment of TRUTH! The referee draws the rectangle in the air, he's going to have a look himself. Huge moment. The university professor sees his penalty denied by VAR! In that role, you'll try anything to get an edge. Tidy restart from Lev Yashin along the deck to Petr Čech, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

The Iron Giant sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Saddil Ramdani sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." The Iron Giant nods but does not look up. Back on the estate, Pedri is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 24 and standing 174, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Pedri leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Added time announced, the players know it's now or never. Nuno Mendes waits for a teammate's pass but doesn't move. Stalling. Nuno Mendes steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Nuno Mendes whips the free kick into the box for William Saliba, dangerous delivery! WHAT A HEADER from William Saliba! It fliiiiies... but it goes wide. The post was shaking.

The Iron Giant clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Nuno Mendes changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Kobe Bryant. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Kobe Bryant gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Hulk. Hulk is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump. Ball claimed in both hands by Lev Yashin in his box. Subtle gesture but ultra effective. Top top level.

Lev Yashin throws it out quickly to Saddil Ramdani, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Switch from Saddil Ramdani! The ball arcs over the midfield and Nuno Mendes collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Nuno Mendes wins the header and flicks it on for Petr Čech. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Nuno Mendes hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Quick throw from Lev Yashin to Saddil Ramdani out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

The opponent beats Hulk to the near post and wins the header. Hulk was caught on his heels. WHAT A FOOT SAVE from Lev Yashin! The opponent was clean through but the keeper got a leg in there! Lev Yashin launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Pedri after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

The pace is ridiculous, players don't know where to turn next. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Petr Čech shifts it wide to Nuno Mendes on the right, lovely ball into the space.

Little shift from Paolo Maldini to William Saliba, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. William Saliba turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for The Iron Giant. The defence did not even have time to blink. The Iron Giant is ruled offside on Nuno Mendes's ball over the top, but that's incredibly harsh! Lev Yashin opts for the short option to Pedri, keeping possession, building play, no panic. What a block! Pedri slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest.

1-1. Hulk and Kobe Bryant are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Hulk. "Next time," replies Kobe Bryant. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Inch-perfect tackle by Hulk, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. GOAL from Pedri with a LOB! The keeper rushes out, Pedri stays COOL as ice and chips the ball over him. It drops into the empty net, that is MASTERFUL!

Hulk places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Nuno Mendes falls to his knees bowing. Lev Yashin does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Stephen Hawking slips Pedri in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. They've got the bit between their teeth, this is fantastic to watch. Intense pressing from Pedri, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal.

They've done it! Dakar Teranga FC find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Lev Yashin. Paolo Maldini is on his knees clapping, Lev Yashin is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Short distribution from Lev Yashin to Kobe Bryant, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. The basketball player intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Emergency clearance from the basketball player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Petr Čech picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! Missed it! Petr Čech goes to ground but the attacker had already shifted the ball. Way too late. RED! Kobe Bryant cynically trips the attacker clean through on goal. He was the last defender — no arguments.

Tactical debate in the corner. Kobe Bryant wants to push higher. Saddil Ramdani reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Saddil Ramdani, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A Ryanair mix-up saw Kobe Bryant land in Bratislava instead of Barcelona for a pre-season friendly. The 48-year-old spent 14 hours in a Slovak kebab shop before the club sent a rescue taxi. And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' They are back. Nuno Mendes salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Corner cleared by the defence, the basketball player was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. The university professor boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. The UPRIGHT denies Pedri! He drops to his knees, that was the perfect strike but the post decided otherwise. Lev Yashin catapults the ball towards Saddil Ramdani from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

William Saliba boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Lev Yashin boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for William Saliba! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. William Saliba sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

Long ball from Lev Yashin for Nuno Mendes who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Long ball from Nuno Mendes to Paolo Maldini, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Attempted pass from Paolo Maldini to Nuno Mendes, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. Enormous clearance from Paolo Maldini inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Tremendous work from Paolo Maldini who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Rapid combination: Paolo Maldini to William Saliba, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Overlap from William Saliba on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. William Saliba gets his cross all wrong, it goes straight out for a throw on the other side. Forget about that one.

The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? Pedri strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Pedri pings a ridiculous diagonal to Nuno Mendes. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Lazy pass from Nuno Mendes, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect.

1-1 and off we go. William Saliba hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Hulk does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

Feint from Kobe Bryant, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. The referee BLOWS! Penalty! Kobe Bryant has been hauled down in the box by a defender. The ground is BUZZING, everyone is on their feet! BOOOM the basketball player sends the penalty into the net! In that position, taking that responsibility on penalties is a sign of character. GOAL!

High recovery from Pedri who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Pedri drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Petr Čech read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. OHHHH the THUNDERBOLT from Petr Čech! On the assist from Paolo Maldini, he rocks the net with a DEVASTATING strike!

Pedri climbs onto William Saliba's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Lev Yashin circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Express recovery from The Iron Giant, pops up behind the attacker and clears it into touch. Crisis averted! The player fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team.

Absolutely dreadful! Douala Makossa-Corner score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Pedri gives it to The Iron Giant into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The player lays it off first time to Nuno Mendes, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Close-quarters dribble from Nuno Mendes, he finds space where there is none. Nuno Mendes unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Nuno Mendes, you have been outstanding. Petr Čech, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Lev Yashin is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 97-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' The gaffer gives Petr Čech one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Petr Čech runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Every throw-in becomes a corner, every corner becomes a chance. Kobe Bryant rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Players diving for every ball, even the lost causes. Lev Yashin is up, one more corner and he has to make it count. The Iron Giant wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. The Iron Giant keeps it short to Nuno Mendes, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Lev Yashin smashes a volley towards The Iron Giant, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. The Iron Giant reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but The Iron Giant was quicker.

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Good ball from the scientist to Pedri, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Sideways ball from William Saliba to Paolo Maldini, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Gorgeous crossfield ball from William Saliba to Stephen Hawking, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Petr Čech swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Stephen Hawking, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Stephen Hawking accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! The university professor tries one dribble too many and loses the ball. In that position, you have got to know when to release it. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows.

The whistle blows and Petr Čech lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. Lev Yashin claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-1 (W)

Nuno Mendes sets it for Petr Čech, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Petr Čech nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. What a STRIKER Petr Čech is! He was right where he needed to be, in off the toe. GOOOAL!

The crowd is on its feet, every ball is ending up in the box. GOOOAL from the basketball player with his head! In that position, knowing how to assert yourself in the air like that is what makes you indispensable.

Lev Yashin hoofs it forward towards The Iron Giant, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Burst of speed from the player down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. They're going for the jugular, this is a side in full flow. Pedri delivers from the byline, Nuno Mendes is on the penalty spot, ready to finish.

Oh no, Lagos No-Carry-Last score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Lev Yashin is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Hulk. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." Now Lev Yashin — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 189, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7878 and answer this question: 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Pedri does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Monster clearance from Lev Yashin, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Pedri. Pedri launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Nuno Mendes, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Nuno Mendes shifts it to Saddil Ramdani with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Saddil Ramdani crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Stephen Hawking is there to meet it.

Free kick from Kobe Bryant curled into the area, Pedri attacks it with a header. The cross from Pedri is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

The corner from Saddil Ramdani is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Enormous anticipation from William Saliba who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. William Saliba puts it right into the feet of Pedri, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Petr Čech lays it off first time to Stephen Hawking, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Quick dribble from Stephen Hawking, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Foul by the university professor, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. The university professor sees yellow after a brutal tackle. He'll need to rein it in from that position. Stephen Hawking's free kick is stopped by the wall. The defenders jumped well.

Nuno Mendes scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. The scientist loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly. Pedri heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect. William Saliba absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

The university professor plays it simple to Kobe Bryant, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Delicious through ball from Kobe Bryant, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Stephen Hawking is there to gobble it up.

Massive win over Lagos No-Carry-Last! Hulk is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Lev Yashin pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?'. The answer was of course a minimum of six, studies from the University of Barnsley confirm this. Gerald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

Mad, mad, mad match, every counter-attack could be the winner. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Absolute rocket from Kobe Bryant, the keeper dived but it was unstoppable.

Pedri bounces it off Nuno Mendes for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality. Pedri charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Failed dribble from Pedri, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. What a tackle by Paolo Maldini! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Paolo Maldini clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Stoppage time, legs are heavy but hearts are burning bright. Quick one-two between Pedri and The Iron Giant, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The Iron Giant presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football.

Nuno Mendes rolls it to Stephen Hawking, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The university professor finds Petr Čech along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Cross from the right by Petr Čech, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards The Iron Giant at the back post. Cross from Pedri, header from The Iron Giant and... it is over! He should have done better there. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. The Iron Giant sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Lev Yashin is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Incredible scenes last summer when Saddil Ramdani was spotted queuing for forty-five minutes at a Nando's in Croydon. Refused the VIP treatment, said he wanted the authentic experience. Ordered a medium butterfly chicken at 27 years old — no surprises there. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' They are back. Pedri salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Hulk spots Pedri in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Pedri crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Kobe Bryant is in the right place. Perfect aerial claim from Lev Yashin! He gathers the cross in his box, that is SOLID. Lev Yashin plays it short to Nuno Mendes, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Driven kick from Lev Yashin to Petr Čech, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Petr Čech finds Stephen Hawking between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. The university professor overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Lobbed cross from Stephen Hawking, the ball sails over the defenders and finds The Iron Giant running in behind. Header from The Iron Giant, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target.

Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. William Saliba threads a ball into the void for Petr Čech, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Petr Čech plays it back across the box for The Iron Giant, the low cross is inch-perfect. The Iron Giant hits it first time but the defender reads the trajectory and blocks. Smart defending.

Corner from Pedri, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives! The player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The opponent dominates Petr Čech in the air with worrying ease. Petr Čech did not have the tools to compete on that one.

It's a goal for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Crossfield pass from Petr Čech to Stephen Hawking, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Stephen Hawking springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference.

Hulk takes four steps to the throw-in, used to be eight. The scientist picks up a yellow for dissent. Should be setting a better example from that position. Free kick from Hulk played as a cross, Pedri positions himself at the far post. Pedri meets the cross from William Saliba with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move.

Tough one against Barranquilla Toque-Toque. Stephen Hawking and Kobe Bryant are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Lev Yashin is at the centre, lifted up by Hulk and Lev Yashin, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Saddil Ramdani whips in the corner, it's a MELEE in there! The ball bounces everywhere, defense holds on! Poacher's goal from Kobe Bryant! The keeper spilled it and Kobe Bryant prods the ball into the net.

Saddil Ramdani runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. William Saliba joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The ball from Kobe Bryant rips through the defensive curtain, William Saliba is flying into the space like an arrow. Marginal offside called on William Saliba, The Iron Giant's through ball cut the defence open perfectly. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Nuno Mendes tries a crossfield ball to Petr Čech but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Enormous press from Stephen Hawking who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure.

Lev Yashin fires it out quickly by hand to Kobe Bryant, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Wing switch from Kobe Bryant, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Pedri brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Pedri feeds Saddil Ramdani in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Saddil Ramdani lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Nuno Mendes down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them.

The gaffer pulls up Montevideo Garra-Charrúa's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Paolo Maldini, you have the pace. Nuno Mendes, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Now this is class — Pedri once tried to pay for petrol entirely in coins and held up the queue for twelve minutes. The woman behind him nearly called the police. He was 24 at the time and maintains he was 'clearing out the change jar.' Utterly British. And now, our TV game show The Cube of Disappointment! To win a raffle ticket for a caravan in Skegness, text 3921 and answer: 'What is the average wind speed inside a British seaside caravan in August?' Out they come. Lev Yashin has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Header missed from the corner by the university professor! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Firm pass from Nuno Mendes into Pedri, right into the boots. No waste.

Huge tackle from William Saliba! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. William Saliba boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Nuno Mendes slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. One laser pass from Nuno Mendes and the entire defence is eliminated, Petr Čech is through on goal. The space is enormous. Petr Čech tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it.

Well-taken corner from the university professor but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others. Lev Yashin rolls it short to Kobe Bryant into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Smooth transition from Kobe Bryant to Petr Čech, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Great vision from Petr Čech who switches to William Saliba. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

Hulk with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Paolo Maldini powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Inch-perfect cross from Paolo Maldini, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds The Iron Giant at the back post. The cross from the player ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position.

Lev Yashin distributes short to Kobe Bryant, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. The basketball player lays it off first time to Pedri, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Pedri fires the ball over to Petr Čech with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. Kobe Bryant sends Pedri into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Pedri picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Chipped cross from Pedri over the block, William Saliba peels off and finds himself one on one with the keeper. William Saliba launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Nuno Mendes, it flies wide. Agonising.

1-1 and off we go. Pedri hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Lev Yashin does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Colin from Cleethorpes says the average is forty-seven miles per hour and that's inside the caravan. Raffle ticket is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

The university professor chips a lob over the defence for Paolo Maldini. That kind of vision is rare in that position. Oh the GOAL from Paolo Maldini! ACROBATIC OVERHEAD! The cross from Pedri arrives slightly behind him, he throws himself backwards and connects with a MAJESTIC strike! The ball flies into the top corner, that is INSANE!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Stephen Hawking arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Hulk slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Corner from Kobe Bryant, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Kobe Bryant launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. William Saliba switches the play to Stephen Hawking on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Good ball from Stephen Hawking to Pedri, playing it quick between the lines. Pedri tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog.

Lev Yashin plays out from the back with Paolo Maldini, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Paolo Maldini cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Paolo Maldini picks out Nuno Mendes with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Nuno Mendes anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Pedri overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

Lay-off from Petr Čech to William Saliba, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. William Saliba plays it in, Kobe Bryant lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and William Saliba is off again. Magnificent. Linesman's flag is up immediately. William Saliba was a good metre off on Stephen Hawking's pass. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

The physio works on Lev Yashin's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Lev Yashin, you get in behind him the second we win it back. William Saliba, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. The 58-year-old Paolo Maldini adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Paolo Maldini trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Saddil Ramdani high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough.

Brilliant tackle from William Saliba! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. William Saliba launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Hulk throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Good ball from the university professor to Paolo Maldini, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Paolo Maldini reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Hulk receives it in the box. It is on a plate. That is SHAMEFUUUUL! Hulk just had to push it in after the pass from The Iron Giant and he has made a meal of it.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Lev Yashin spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. The Iron Giant gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Nuno Mendes hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Beautiful distribution from Lev Yashin to The Iron Giant, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The player reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly.

Full-pitch press, the centre-back panics and boots it into touch. Free kick conceded by Stephen Hawking, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. The university professor sees his free kick stopped by the wall! In that position, the wall is a CLASSIC obstacle, you have to keep trying. What a mess after William Saliba's corner! The keeper flaps, the ball drops, a defender scrambles it away!

Draw. William Saliba sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." The Iron Giant waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Petr Čech decides to take matters into his own hands, he devours the pitch and causes chaos. What FINESSE on the strike from Petr Čech! On the cross from Kobe Bryant, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

And it's a goal! Rio Malandro FC punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Lev Yashin climbs onto The Iron Giant's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Lev Yashin circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Nuno Mendes with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Powerful run from Nuno Mendes, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. Nuno Mendes chips the keeper with an EXQUISITE lob! The ball rises gently, clears the outstretched gloves and drops into the goal. GOAL! You want to APPLAUD even as a neutral!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Nuno Mendes ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Lev Yashin leaps over him. Lev Yashin walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

William Saliba puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Short build-up from William Saliba to Nuno Mendes, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Nuno Mendes rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Kobe Bryant. The far side is completely deserted.

No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. Pedri attempts a cross but it is badly weighted, the keeper claims with no pressure. Lev Yashin makes the right call and gathers the ball in the air. The defence can relax, the keeper is there. Hulk links up with William Saliba, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Lev Yashin: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Kobe Bryant, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. We're told that William Saliba once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' Right then, part two. Nuno Mendes adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Corner from Pedri, Hulk heads it but it sails over the crossbar. Frustrating! Lev Yashin distributes by hand to Petr Čech on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Petr Čech tries to pick out Pedri on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Paolo Maldini charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Paolo Maldini winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. Lev Yashin closes the door by coming out to meet the attacker, one-on-one won. The player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. Burst of pace from Saddil Ramdani on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Saddil Ramdani tries a shimmy but slips on the ball. Turnover in a bad area. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable.

Brilliant switch of play from Paolo Maldini! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Hulk. Perfectly executed challenge by Hulk, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. The scientist finds William Saliba along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. William Saliba gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Floated cross from William Saliba off the right, The Iron Giant has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Lev Yashin dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Petr Čech can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Lev Yashin claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Saddil Ramdani slides in from behind on the attacker, that is cynical and dangerous in equal measure. We're in limbo now, the VAR room is checking the footage. Both benches on their feet. After an interminable wait, the verdict comes down: no penalty for Saddil Ramdani! The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Kobe Bryant picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him. Shocker from the basketball player on that tackle, completely misread the situation. In that role, taking that gamble can really hurt you. William Saliba hauls down the attacker as the last defender. The referee has no choice — straight red.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Lev Yashin shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Nuno Mendes goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Clumsy challenge from Paolo Maldini, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Free kick from Paolo Maldini to the near post, Pedri gets a flick on it. BOOOM the header from Pedri! On the cross from Saddil Ramdani, he produces a FURIOUS header that ends in the net. GOAL!

Paolo Maldini rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Hulk jumps on his back, Lev Yashin is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Stephen Hawking looks up and launches a long pass towards Nuno Mendes. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Cross from Nuno Mendes off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Stephen Hawking at the far side. OG from the university professor! Oh the poor lad! In that position, you know that one bad touch can be fatal, and that is exactly what happens here. The ball deflects into his own goal, this is TRAGIC.

GOAAAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

William Saliba steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. William Saliba threads the needle between the two centre-backs, The Iron Giant bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. The Iron Giant thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Saddil Ramdani's pass.

Saddil Ramdani plays it simple to Pedri, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. One touch football: Pedri to Saddil Ramdani, faster than the opposition can think. Backpass from Saddil Ramdani goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Textbook tackle from Stephen Hawking there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Nuno Mendes, stop dropping deep. Kobe Bryant, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. The 48-year-old Kobe Bryant reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 198, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a year's membership to the National Trust, text 3210 and answer: 'What is the correct pronunciation of scone?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Paolo Maldini sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Unbelievable! Istanbul Cehennem FK score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Saddil Ramdani hits it sweetly, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper punches clear. Corner. Getting heated now! Complete uncertainty in the stadium, VAR has been called in, nobody is breathing. Everyone was waiting for the verdict: VAR gives the penalty on Saddil Ramdani! Stephen Hawking hits his penalty but it's pushed away by the keeper! He dived the right way. Lev Yashin goes long for Kobe Bryant, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Lev Yashin sparks the transition with a quick throw to The Iron Giant, the break is lightning fast. The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Kobe Bryant. Pure quality, as per usual. Short pass from the basketball player to Paolo Maldini, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Paolo Maldini fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, The Iron Giant throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box.

Lightning overlap from Petr Čech, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Lay-off from Petr Čech to Nuno Mendes in the heart of the box, the path to goal is clear. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! Nuno Mendes has the goal gifted by William Saliba and he fluffs his lines completely. You feel for him. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Paolo Maldini leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Paolo Maldini tries the surprise free kick but it goes over the bar. The ball is not coming back.

Hulk finds the gap and serves Kobe Bryant in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Incredible burst of pace from Kobe Bryant, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Huge whiff from Kobe Bryant! Goes to ground and the attacker just walks around him. Embarrassing. Hulk is sent off after dragging down the attacker who was clean through. Last defender — the law is clear.

Heroic recovery from William Saliba! Had ten yards to make up and still got back in time. Take a bow. William Saliba takes the man and not the ball. Tactical, premeditated, no apologies. Yellow card. William Saliba committed the professional foul without a moment's hesitation. Second yellow, red card, William Saliba is off. His manager won't be happy with that at all. The free kick from William Saliba is superb, it picks out Kobe Bryant unmarked in the box.

Points shared. Lev Yashin sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Nuno Mendes crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Derek from Tunbridge Wells says it rhymes with gone and the entire studio audience has erupted into civil war. He still gets the membership though. Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

The player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. Petr Čech spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Crucial intervention from the player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Saddil Ramdani goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner. Saddil Ramdani floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear.

Pedri sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. The referee blows for a PENALTY! Pedri has been put on the floor in the box by the defender. OBVIOUS foul, indisputable penalty. The crux of the match is happening RIGHT NOW! Pedri takes the penalty... SAVED! The keeper threw himself the right way and pushed it out! William Saliba lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Sublime through ball from Paolo Maldini for Kobe Bryant who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. The basketball player misplaces his pass to The Iron Giant, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment.

What a disaster! Milano Piano-Piano score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The Iron Giant paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" The Iron Giant exhales and sits. Reports suggest that The Iron Giant once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 28 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. The Iron Giant comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Nuno Mendes boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Nuno Mendes catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Good ball from the player to Paolo Maldini, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Paolo Maldini plays it back across the floor in the box, Saddil Ramdani receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back. Saddil Ramdani trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Stephen Hawking had done it all, what an absolute waste. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Stephen Hawking leaves his foot in on the attacker well after the ball has gone. That's a nasty one. Stephen Hawking is cautioned for dangerous play. That high foot endangered everyone around him. Stephen Hawking plays the free kick as a cross, Nuno Mendes finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Aerial duel won by Nuno Mendes, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter.

Nuno Mendes opens up to Kobe Bryant on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. The basketball player produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Kobe Bryant shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Paolo Maldini. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Powerful effort from Paolo Maldini, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar.

Lev Yashin sends an absolute rocket towards Pedri, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Absolutely immense from Pedri! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Pedri sets it for Paolo Maldini, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Paolo Maldini lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating.

Massive punt from Lev Yashin, sends the ball sixty yards, The Iron Giant is scrapping for it up top. Poor decision from The Iron Giant on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. The basketball player finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Hulk clean through. Pure genius from that position.

Stalemate at home. Paolo Maldini and Pedri embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

Stephen Hawking fouls early to prevent the fast break. Classic dark arts of defending. The ref brandishes the yellow. Stephen Hawking committed a premeditated foul to stop the fast break. GOOOOOAL! Stephen Hawking winds up his free kick and sends a PEARLER into the top corner! The wall jumped for nothing!

William Saliba goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. William Saliba strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. William Saliba looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

The squeeze is on, they've got the opposition pinned in their own box. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Saddil Ramdani presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Body feint from Saddil Ramdani, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker.

They've nicked a goal! Sevilla Olé-Olé catch us cold on the break.

Lev Yashin lumps it long towards Pedri, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Enormous leap from Pedri who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Almighty boot from Pedri who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Aerial duel won by William Saliba in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. William Saliba spreads it to Stephen Hawking, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

The gaffer pulls up Sevilla Olé-Olé's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Hulk, you have the pace. Lev Yashin, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Dressing room sources reveal Kobe Bryant can play the recorder with terrifying proficiency. The 48-year-old whips out Three Blind Mice before every away match — the coach has tried and failed to ban it. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' And they are off! Hulk touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

The corner from Stephen Hawking is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Lifesaving clearance from Petr Čech! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. William Saliba sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Petr Čech. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

The clock is the enemy, every loose touch feels like a disaster. Stephen Hawking sends in a curling delivery, Saddil Ramdani peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Cross out of reach from Saddil Ramdani, Kobe Bryant cannot do a thing, it is too high. Big clearance from Kobe Bryant under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

Driven kick from Lev Yashin to Pedri, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Careless distribution from Pedri, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Key pass from Nuno Mendes! It fizzes between the lines and Kobe Bryant collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. JUST WIIIIIDE from Kobe Bryant! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Lev Yashin sends an absolute rocket towards Paolo Maldini, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Paolo Maldini triggers a change of flanks for The Iron Giant, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. The player gets to the byline and floats one in for Nuno Mendes. Crossing is his bread and butter.

They've scored! Sevilla Olé-Olé find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Lev Yashin distributes short to Stephen Hawking, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Stephen Hawking wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Powerful run from Stephen Hawking down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Pull-back from Stephen Hawking in the area, William Saliba is in the perfect position to shoot. Lev Yashin palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

Paolo Maldini keeps it short to William Saliba, no frills, just good football intelligence. William Saliba rolls it to Paolo Maldini, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Paolo Maldini anticipates the run from Kobe Bryant and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. The basketball player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

Stalemate at home. Hulk and The Iron Giant embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-0 (W)

Stephen Hawking delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, The Iron Giant is there to receive. GOOOOAL! The Iron Giant meets the cross from Petr Čech with his head and sends the ball into the top corner! What a spectacle!

Short restart from Lev Yashin to Kobe Bryant, building from the back nice and tidy. Masterful aerial duel from Kobe Bryant, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Kobe Bryant slips Saddil Ramdani in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Wicked through ball from Saddil Ramdani, the ball skims the grass and finds Paolo Maldini who had set off before anyone else even noticed.

Kobe Bryant beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. The basketball player shifts The Iron Giant into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Tight offside against the player, Saddil Ramdani's through ball deserved better than that. Lev Yashin plays it short to Hulk, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. The Iron Giant clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

Lovely use of the ball by Hulk, finding The Iron Giant in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Step-overs from The Iron Giant, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. The Iron Giant curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save! The corner from the player is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Monster clearance from William Saliba! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Kobe Bryant, you have been outstanding. Nuno Mendes, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Brilliant little nugget — Paolo Maldini has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 186, for the record. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' Here come the lads. Pedri jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Paolo Maldini puts Nuno Mendes into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Nuno Mendes controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner. Nuno Mendes sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear.

The player is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger. Lev Yashin fails to control it and the leather slips from his gloves! Scramble in the box, scary stuff. Nuno Mendes clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Petr Čech takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Petr Čech goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, Kobe Bryant is unmarked at the far post. Oh no Kobe Bryant! Served on a plate by Hulk, all alone with an open goal, and he fires wide!

Lev Yashin distributes by hand to William Saliba on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. William Saliba unleashes a raking ball out to Petr Čech, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Rapid combination: Petr Čech to William Saliba, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Full time, full joy! The Iron Giant walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Hulk carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein are yesterday's news. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

Pedri puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Nuno Mendes is there to finish. Noooo Nuno Mendes what have you DONE?? He cuts out the cross from Paolo Maldini and sends it flying into his own net! Horrible own goal, the stadium is in SHOCK, nobody can believe it.

Pedri mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. William Saliba does the wave with contortionist grace. Lev Yashin solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Oh it's gone in! London Three-Pints find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Fantastic high recovery from Paolo Maldini, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. Paolo Maldini takes his bearings and STRIIIIKES! It is placed, it is on target, IT IS IIIIN!

Paolo Maldini does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Saddil Ramdani launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Lev Yashin arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Quick exchange between Hulk and William Saliba, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Cut-back along the ground from William Saliba on the right, Hulk picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance. Lev Yashin pushes the effort away with a firm hand! The keeper is unbeatable today, he is a WALL.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Shot from Paolo Maldini, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. Lev Yashin takes his time and plays it short to Paolo Maldini. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Paolo Maldini sets it for Petr Čech, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Kobe Bryant. And you, Pedri. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. We can confirm that Pedri owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 174, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3030 and answer this question: 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?' And the second half is go! Lev Yashin charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Oh that's terrible! London Three-Pints score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Just wide from Pedri, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Monumental ball from William Saliba to Petr Čech, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Shifting pass from Petr Čech to The Iron Giant, the ball drifts into the free zone and The Iron Giant is onto it in two strides.

Beautiful distribution from Lev Yashin to Paolo Maldini, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Wasteful from Paolo Maldini on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Petr Čech throws his arms up in frustration. Superb defensive work from Hulk there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! With one swing of the boot, Hulk finds William Saliba on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Good delivery from William Saliba off the left flank, Paolo Maldini positions himself between the two centre-halves.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. Nuno Mendes reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Firm pass from Nuno Mendes into William Saliba, right into the boots. No waste. Flash wall from Hulk for William Saliba who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation.

Diagonal from Petr Čech to Saddil Ramdani, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Saddil Ramdani with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Saddil Ramdani boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

Lovely interception from Hulk, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. William Saliba sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Petr Čech is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. The linesman raises his flag, Petr Čech was a yard ahead of the last defender when Hulk played it.

Hulk clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight.

Draw against London Three-Pints. The Iron Giant kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Hulk does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?'. The answer was of course 2,400 if written in capitals, or 1,200 if you use passive aggression. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.