goats — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | goats | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Goats! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Michael Jordan. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 198 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Jesus Christ. A messiah. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a messiah, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Jesus Christ has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. The budget? Astronomical. The owner said "let's go" and signed the check without even looking at the number. We're deep into the luxury tax, every dollar over the threshold costs triple, and the accountant has nightmares every single night. But when you've got two superstars, a fifteen-man roster where the weakest link would start elsewhere, and a coaching staff paid in gold, you don't give a damn about the bill. It's championship or bust, and they've chosen their side.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
103-102 (W)
Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Kobe Bryant, this household name, pokes the ball free! Scramble in transition!
A pull-up jumper from Jesus Christ goes in and out! Heartbreaking on the low block!
Hulk applies the same technique to the ball as to the hidden truth. A euro-step from downtown!
Michael Jordan reads the defense perfectly! Night-in night-out consistency and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Halftime. Michael Jordan glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Intel: Michael Jordan once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ silences the crowd! A fadeaway jumper driving to the hoop! Stone cold!
Hulk picks their pocket! A scientist with quick hands knows how to handle thieves!
Post-game fireworks for Jesus Christ! Brighter than their bare hands on a perfect day!
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, scores the go-ahead! A catch-and-shoot triple! Heart of a champion!
Hulk dominates the box score! Numbers worthy of a scientist's the hidden truth chart!
Kobe Bryant and Jesus Christ stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
134-89 (W)
Michael Jordan dribbles into position! This global icon not wasting any time!
An alley-oop from Jesus Christ! This absolute legend reminding everyone why they're on top!
Kobe Bryant, this tree of a man, hits the cutter perfectly! An off-the-charts basketball IQ right on time!
Tim Duncan, this beanpole, rises above and hammers a euro-step!
Hulk drops into help defense! Always there when you need a scientist!
End of the second quarter. Jesus Christ is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little scoop: Jesus Christ logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Kobe Bryant, this living legend, absolutely nails a bucket at the buzzer! Take a bow!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, has the opposition calling for mercy from the left corner!
Jesus Christ keeps saying 'just like competing the game' after every play!
Jesus Christ flexes like they just finished competing the game! What a moment!
Hulk walks off the venue victorious! A scientist who conquered it all tonight!
Tim Duncan does the floss while Michael Jordan spins like a top. Kobe Bryant just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
116-84 (W)
Hulk, this swiss-army-knife type, is introduced and the arena explodes! This basketball god is in the building!
Jesus Christ with a scoop layup on the break! Running like they're late for work!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan finds the open man! Assist and a devastating dunk!
Tim Duncan with the tough finger roll through contact! This world-class player won't be denied!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, alters the shot! Silky smooth technique at the rim!
Rest. Michael Jordan buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Little secret: Michael Jordan listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk converts at the top of the key! A tear drop right on cue!
Michael Jordan pulls up and it's too easy! The lead is ballooning! Mercy rule!
Jesus Christ is coaching using their bare hands diagrams! The whiteboard looks interesting!
Jesus Christ points to the crowd after a step-back three! This one's for every messiah out there!
Jesus Christ daps up the opponent! Respect from this potential GOAT after the battle!
Tim Duncan points both hands at the sky. Michael Jordan points at Tim Duncan. Kobe Bryant points at the exit. Tonight I had a revelation: Michael Jordan runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
121-97 (W)
Jesus Christ lands the first alley-oop! First blood! The messiah strikes first!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan is automatic from the left corner! A step-back three drops again!
Hulk anticipates perfectly! A scientist who always sees it coming!
Kobe Bryant, this mountain of a man, drops the dime! Natural-born leadership passing on display!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Halftime. Hulk's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Little scoop: Hulk logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, overpowers for a bank shot! Size matters!
The arena trembles! Michael Jordan with the play and a boiling cauldron follows!
Tim Duncan, this mammoth, anchors the second unit! This big-name player versatile contributor!
This will be talked about for years! Kobe Bryant with a sky hook! Iconic!
Hulk finishes with a monster stat line! Numbers a scientist would be proud of!
Jesus Christ and Michael Jordan form a tunnel for Kobe Bryant to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
115-89 (W)
Tim Duncan takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
An off-balance shot from Hulk from downtown! That's a statement right there!
Hulk with a ball recovery! The reflexes of a scientist catching the hidden truth!
Jesus Christ feeds the post! Nourishing the play with pure messiah instinct!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan sets the back screen! That dawg mentality off-ball contribution!
The players head in. Kobe Bryant slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know? Kobe Bryant tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, takes over at the buzzer. A free throw! That's elite!
Tim Duncan, this colossus, gets the standing ovation! A sold-out gym on fire!
Michael Jordan, this first-ballot legend, rotates on defense! An unmatched feel for the game team commitment!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan with a performance for the ages! A moment of pure magic chapter!
Final buzzer! Kobe Bryant is the hero! This global icon with a game for the ages!
Michael Jordan and Jesus Christ carry Tim Duncan like a trophy across the entire court. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
127-94 (W)
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, sets the tone immediately! Ridiculous creativity from the jump!
Kobe Bryant converts a tough fadeaway jumper from downtown! Skill level: elite!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant anchors the defense from mid-range! Nothing gets through!
This household name Kobe Bryant zips the pass through! Another dime from this long boy!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Both teams head in. Michael Jordan has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Anecdote: Michael Jordan slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Michael Jordan catches fire! And it's a sky hook! A gym-rat work ethic taking over!
The arena is electric! This max-contract guy Tim Duncan thriving in a cathedral silence!
Jesus Christ celebrates the teammate's bucket! Joy of a messiah seeing the game succeed!
The legend of Michael Jordan grows! This living legend adding another chapter at the top of the key!
This generational talent Kobe Bryant thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Jesus Christ jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. I learned that Jesus Christ's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
116-78 (W)
Jesus Christ locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a messiah who means business!
Jesus Christ with the and-one layup! Nerves of steel through the whistle!
Tim Duncan with the lob pass in transition! This elite player to the teammate! Boom!
Hulk with a buzzer beater! The finesse of their lab notebook right there on the arena!
Hulk shuts down the lane! Closed for business, like a scientist closing the hidden truth!
Halftime whistle. Kobe Bryant has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Did you know Kobe Bryant plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Hulk, this do-it-all player, showcases that dawg mentality with a gorgeous alley-oop!
Jesus Christ coasts to victory! Easy work for this messiah tonight!
This All-Star caliber talent Tim Duncan runs the wrong play again! Coach is beside themselves!
Hulk silences the away crowd! Ice-cold a raised fist! Love it!
This all-time great Kobe Bryant caps off a special night! A hug with the coach! Until next time!
Tim Duncan rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Jesus Christ does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
123-78 (W)
Tip-off! Kobe Bryant gets us started! Let's go!
Michael Jordan fades away past everyone for an alley-oop! This beanpole on a mission!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Hulk adds to the total! A scientist who always exceeds expectations!
Hulk holds the line in the left wing! The discipline of a scientist with their lab notebook!
End of the second quarter. Hulk is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: Hulk lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Kobe Bryant, this guy with rings on every finger, operates along the baseline with a scoop layup! Clinic!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant adds another! This is a demolition job!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan trash talks then immediately misses! Karma!
Michael Jordan blows a kiss to the fans! Cool as you like, a primal scream!
Kobe Bryant attacks the trophy! This certified GOAT candidate adds to the collection! A salute to the fans!
Tim Duncan and Michael Jordan attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Kobe Bryant films the whole thing. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
111-88 (W)
Tim Duncan opens with a free throw! This certified bucket making an early statement!
Kobe Bryant steps back the orange into a reverse layup! Insane court vision shining through!
Tim Duncan with the suffocating defense! This All-Star caliber talent is a wall out there!
Jesus Christ attacks and dishes! Gorgeous feed on the low block! An unmatched feel for the game!
Michael Jordan penetrates to the right spot! Natural-born leadership off-ball movement!
Break! Tim Duncan takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Tim Duncan raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Jesus Christ scores the go-ahead! A messiah who always finishes the job on time!
The energy in this building is unreal! Jesus Christ channeling wild stands!
Tim Duncan brings energy off the bench! This top-tier talent infectious enthusiasm!
Tim Duncan crosses over into the record books! This certified bucket making memories!
Jesus Christ salutes the fans! A messiah's farewell until the next game!
Hulk grabs Tim Duncan and hoists him onto his shoulders. Michael Jordan tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
119-95 (W)
Kobe Bryant, this tower, announced to huge cheers! A packed arena!
Michael Jordan, this big fella, with a silky thunderous slam from mid-range! Smooth operator!
Hulk rotates perfectly for the double team! Ridiculous creativity on full display!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ orchestrates the offense from downtown! Maestro!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ switches defensive assignments on the fly! Natural-born leadership!
Break! Kobe Bryant grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Physio's confession: Kobe Bryant purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Kobe Bryant dunks the basketball beautifully for a euro-step! What touch!
Tim Duncan fades away to an eruption! An incredible energy! What a moment!
Tim Duncan sacrifices the body taking the charge! This established star ultimate teammate!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, carries the weight of the team on those shoulders!
Hulk shoots off the court victorious! This absolute legend leaves it all out there!
Kobe Bryant does a backflip. Well, he tries. Tim Duncan applauds the effort. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
106-92 (W)
Hulk stretches center court! Loosening up, the scientist is getting ready!
Tim Duncan answers back with a buzzer beater! A killer instinct under pressure!
This max-contract guy Tim Duncan with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
Tim Duncan dunks the pill with precision! Assist facing the rim! Floor general!
Jesus Christ runs the offense! Running it like a messiah runs the show!
Rest. Jesus Christ buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Rumor has it Jesus Christ does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
An and-one from Kobe Bryant! Another dagger! This generational talent closing the door!
Wild stands fills the arena! This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan feeds off the energy!
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan defers to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
This global icon Michael Jordan is the heartbeat of this team! An All-Star Game worthy play leadership!
This generational talent Hulk raises the arms! The win is in the books! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd!
Kobe Bryant jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
113-98 (W)
And we're underway! Jesus Christ touches the rock first! This guy with rings on every finger looks eager!
This all-time great Michael Jordan finishes with authority! A devastating dunk facing the rim!
Jesus Christ smothers the ball handler! That's a messiah who doesn't let go!
Jesus Christ, this guy with rings on every finger, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! A gym-rat work ethic!
Jesus Christ posts up to the weak side! This generational talent exploiting the rotation!
Halftime. The doctor examines Hulk's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Rumor has it Hulk tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Tim Duncan with the smooth two-handed slam! This big-name player making it look easy!
Jesus Christ feeds off palpable tension! The energy of a messiah fueled by the game!
Kobe Bryant rises up the pick-and-roll to perfection! Chemistry on display!
Jesus Christ, this franchise cornerstone, has the crowd in the palm of the hand! A hostile crowd!
Jesus Christ, this basketball god, with the post-game interview smile! A killer instinct all night!
Michael Jordan gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Jesus Christ gives his shoes. Kobe Bryant gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
108-101 (W)
Hulk announces themselves! The scientist has arrived and the building knows it!
Jesus Christ rises up with the precision of a messiah at work. And it's a hook shot!
Michael Jordan a brilliant anticipation with authority! This giant protecting the paint!
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
Tim Duncan sets the screen at the perfect angle! This established star cerebral play!
Halftime. The doctor examines Tim Duncan's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Little scoop: Tim Duncan tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
A catch-and-shoot triple from Kobe Bryant! That's freakish explosiveness at the highest level!
The crowd chants Hulk's name! Wild stands for the scientist with their lab notebook!
Jesus Christ sets the perfect screen! Built like a messiah who doesn't skip leg day!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan refuses to lose! The will of a champion!
Hulk carries the team to victory! Strong as a scientist on a Monday morning!
Jesus Christ throws chalk powder like LeBron. Kobe Bryant coughs for two minutes straight. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
93-101 (L)
This guy everybody knows Tim Duncan catches the rock early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Hulk can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this hall-of-fame lock!
Michael Jordan with the errant pass! This undisputed superstar needs to settle down!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Hulk scores a devastating dunk! Their lab notebook by day, buckets by night!
That's a cut. Jesus Christ stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Little secret: Jesus Christ has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Hulk drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a scientist's spirit has limits!
Kobe Bryant lets fly the ball right into the defender's hands! Lack of consistency!
Hulk uses their size out there! The scientist has a built-in advantage!
Tim Duncan, this titan, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Michael Jordan sits alone on the bench. This certified GOAT candidate processing the defeat.
Jesus Christ closes his eyes walking out. Kobe Bryant keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
106-94 (W)
This generational talent Jesus Christ comes out firing! A pull-up jumper in the first minute!
Hulk handles the pill like their lab notebook. A half-court heave from the left corner! The precision of a scientist!
Michael Jordan a charge taken and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!
Hulk sets up the easy score! Easy as a scientist setting up their lab notebook!
Michael Jordan, this potential GOAT, manages the clock beautifully in the extra period!
Halftime whistle! Michael Jordan slides down against the hallway wall. True story: Michael Jordan had his parking spot stolen by Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's mascot. Still talks about it. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
This potential GOAT Kobe Bryant with a cold-blooded buzzer-beater! No conscience!
Michael Jordan crosses over in front of the home faithful! A Finals-like atmosphere! Beautiful!
Jesus Christ runs the play to perfection! Perfection of competing the game!
Michael Jordan, this absolute legend, has been building to this all game! Coming out of the locker room!
Hulk exits to a standing ovation! The scientist with their lab notebook earns it!
Tim Duncan slides across the court in his socks while Michael Jordan splashes water on everyone. I learned backstage that Michael Jordan also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
goats finishes the season at #1! Champions! 14W-1L. Season MVP: Michael Jordan!
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Goats!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Michael Jordan. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 198 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Jesus Christ. A messiah. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a messiah, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Jesus Christ has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
The budget? Astronomical. The owner said "let's go" and signed the check without even looking at the number. We're deep into the luxury tax, every dollar over the threshold costs triple, and the accountant has nightmares every single night. But when you've got two superstars, a fifteen-man roster where the weakest link would start elsewhere, and a coaching staff paid in gold, you don't give a damn about the bill. It's championship or bust, and they've chosen their side.
goats finishes the season at #1! Champions! 14W-1L. Season MVP: Michael Jordan!
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