My dream soccer team — football_team 🇸🇬

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Monkey D. Luffy anticipates the run from Toji Fushiguro and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Toji Fushiguro beats the keeper with a placed strike, it is in the back of the net!

That is a tackle of the highest order from Virgil van Dijk. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Virgil van Dijk pings a ridiculous diagonal to Monkey D. Luffy. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Cross from Monkey D. Luffy off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Kratos at the far side. Oh what a mess from Kratos's corner! Nobody can get a clean touch, a defender hacks it clear! What a STRIIIIKE from Toji Fushiguro! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie!

Monkey D. Luffy tries a sombrero and it comes off, the defender is made to look foolish in front of everyone. The ship captain lays it off first time to Virgil van Dijk, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Virgil van Dijk lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Satoru Gojo catapults the ball towards Toji Fushiguro from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

Nightmare! Paris Saint-Glinglin score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Hulk launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Through ball from the scientist for Superman, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Satoru Gojo dives at the attacker's feet and gathers! One-on-one WON by the keeper! Satoru Gojo opts for the short option to Spider-Man, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Great vision from Spider-Man who switches to Kratos. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

Satoru Gojo rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Saitama glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Satoru Gojo once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 37-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' Kick-off! Kratos wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Brilliant interception from Kratos, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Kratos goes crossfield to Robert Oppenheimer, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Bad pass from the engineer, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Textbook lay-off from Robert Oppenheimer to Spider-Man who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway.

Clearance from the jujutsu sorcerer towards Toji Fushiguro, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Quick one-two between Toji Fushiguro and Spider-Man, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The superhero bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match.

The ship captain finds Virgil van Dijk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Virgil van Dijk opens up to Toji Fushiguro on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Good cross from the player for Superman in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. The cross from the superhero ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position.

Textbook tackle from Hulk there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Saitama puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Pinpoint delivery from the superhero towards Monkey D. Luffy, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Clinical interception from Virgil van Dijk, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Ball in behind from the military personnel, Kratos is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. WHAT A RUSH from Satoru Gojo! He flew out like a rocket and grabbed the ball before the attacker could shoot! Monster clearance from Satoru Gojo, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Toji Fushiguro.

Captain America puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! The military personnel takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Captain America picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off.

Draw. Hulk takes the time to shake every Paris Saint-Glinglin player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Satoru Gojo follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

What a mess! México No-Era-Penal capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Hulk sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. BOOOM Saitama UNLEASHES a powerful strike! The keeper was on the line but it scorched his gloves. GOAL!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Hulk ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Virgil van Dijk leaps over him. Satoru Gojo walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Spider-Man links up with Saitama, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Burst of speed from Saitama, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Saitama puts the ball right into the mixer, Superman arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. Satoru Gojo rises higher than anyone and gathers with both hands. Masterful.

Beautiful distribution from Satoru Gojo to Toji Fushiguro, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Monumental ball from Toji Fushiguro to Superman, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Superman hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

Satoru Gojo rolls it short to Spider-Man into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Spider-Man with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. Toji Fushiguro gifts Superman a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Superman with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Kratos reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Robert Oppenheimer cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Absolutely classic — Satoru Gojo was once the star attraction at a village boot sale in Suffolk, selling his nan's ornamental plates. Raised forty-seven quid and a tin of Quality Street. The man is a national treasure at 37 years old. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Satoru Gojo claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

The superhero puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. Satoru Gojo grabs the ball in the air, two firm hands, no spilling. Immaculate. Monkey D. Luffy gives it to Superman into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Superman sends Virgil van Dijk into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere. Offside against Virgil van Dijk! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Kratos is beside himself.

Satoru Gojo boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Monkey D. Luffy! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. The opponent gets the better of the ship captain in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak. Captain America thumps his header on the delivery from Superman but it sails over.

Virgil van Dijk bear-hugs the attacker to stop the counter, ref blows up straight away. Virgil van Dijk picks up a booking for persistent fouling. Took long enough, frankly. Virgil van Dijk fancies himself from the free kick but sends it into orbit. Woeful effort.

Superman puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Virgil van Dijk comes steaming in. The cross from Virgil van Dijk is blocked by a defender, the defence has done its job. Spider-Man sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. Kratos rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Monkey D. Luffy. The far side is completely deserted.

Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. Robert Oppenheimer to Toji Fushiguro, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Toji Fushiguro plays the simple ball to Kratos, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Kratos spots the gap and sends Monkey D. Luffy into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open.

Satoru Gojo goes long for Toji Fushiguro, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Toji Fushiguro feeds Monkey D. Luffy in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Error from the ship captain, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them.

Points shared with México No-Era-Penal. Superman slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Hulk has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

SPOT KICK! Captain America's shot strikes a hand in the area. The referee doesn't think twice about pointing to the spot. Toji Fushiguro converts the penalty with OLYMPIC calm! The keeper went left, the ball went right. GOAL!

Captain America slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Robert Oppenheimer photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Kratos cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Toji Fushiguro chips the ball OVER the keeper! GOAL! That is the PERFECT touch, the PERFECT timing, the PERFECT trajectory. You cannot do it better, that is GENIUS!

'I told you so' mode. Kratos eyeballs the Casablanca Dima-Maghrib bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Robert Oppenheimer pulls Kratos away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The warrior boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Short pass from the superhero to Virgil van Dijk, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Virgil van Dijk beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction.

Lightning press from Spider-Man, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. Lob attempt comes to nothing for Spider-Man, the ball has neither the trajectory nor the weight. The keeper catches it with arms raised. Satoru Gojo plays it short to Toji Fushiguro, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Toji Fushiguro lets rip but a defender sacrifices himself and takes the shot full in the face. Warrior. Corner from Spider-Man but it is cleared at the near post by a defender. Emergency clearance from the superhero, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

Someone has brought a bag of Haribo into the dressing room and it is absolute carnage. Satoru Gojo is hoarding the fried eggs. Spider-Man is fighting over the last cola bottle. The gaffer watches the chaos with the resigned smile of a man who has seen it all. "You lot are like a bunch of kids. Right, listen up, here is the plan for the second half." A gorgeous bit of intel — Monkey D. Luffy once entered a pub quiz in Wolverhampton under the team name 'Definitely Not A Footballer.' Won the whole thing. Prize was a meat raffle and a crate of Carling. At 28, that's what peak performance looks like. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Captain America leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Crossfield pass from Superman to Robert Oppenheimer, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Robert Oppenheimer tries a crossfield ball to Toji Fushiguro but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Captain America goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more. The military personnel is cautioned for a dangerous foul. At that position, discipline is everything.

Short restart from Satoru Gojo to Monkey D. Luffy, building from the back nice and tidy. The ship captain switches the play to Toji Fushiguro, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Toji Fushiguro sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Superman in the thick of it.

The superhero finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Robert Oppenheimer clean through. Pure genius from that position. Linesman's flag is up immediately. Robert Oppenheimer was a good metre off on Saitama's pass. Satoru Gojo hoofs it forward towards Monkey D. Luffy, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Monkey D. Luffy sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Superman. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

Good ball from the scientist to Monkey D. Luffy, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The ship captain butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. The warrior positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Kratos rolls it to Virgil van Dijk, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Firm pass from Virgil van Dijk into Robert Oppenheimer, right into the boots. No waste.

GOAAAL! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Satoru Gojo weaves through Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Spider-Man screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Lifesaving clearance from Kratos! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Virgil van Dijk. Held the opponent back by the arm. Virgil van Dijk gives it to Captain America from the free kick, little dummy to create the angle. The military personnel has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

FULL TIME! Hulk jumps on Saitama's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

It's there! Dakar Teranga FC tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

The pile at the corner flag. Satoru Gojo is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Satoru Gojo arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Kratos steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Monkey D. Luffy winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Kratos arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Monkey D. Luffy slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Saitama lets the GUNS loose! A strike of phenomenal power that ends up top bins, GOAL!

Saitama scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Superman is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

The corner from the military personnel was spot on but the header goes over. In that position, you do your job with the delivery, the attackers need to finish. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Hulk finds Kratos between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

The superhero spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Saitama. That is exactly why he is out there. The flag goes up against Saitama. He was leaning offside when Monkey D. Luffy struck the pass. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Wing switch from Hulk, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Kratos brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Superman. And you, Robert Oppenheimer. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Spider-Man once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 28, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Strictly Come Complaining! To win a strongly-worded letter template, text 3789 and answer: 'What is the correct way to complain about a lukewarm cup of tea in a cafe?' Satoru Gojo trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. Heroic recovery from the scientist, covers the entire pitch to come and help out. In that role, it's that warrior mentality that makes all the difference. Oh what a challenge! Hulk goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer.

The superhero cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Spider-Man. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Poor decision from Spider-Man on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Saitama decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path.

Saitama unleashes a raking ball out to Robert Oppenheimer, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Robert Oppenheimer floats a ball towards Kratos but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. The scientist fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. The free kick from Hulk is a dangerous one, Kratos meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box.

Oh that's terrible! Dakar Teranga FC score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Satoru Gojo unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Toji Fushiguro makes a heart sign with his hands. Satoru Gojo finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

High press all over the pitch, even the keeper is getting closed down. The player trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Toji Fushiguro lines up his free kick but the wall blocks everything. Frustrating. The superhero delivers the corner and it's pandemonium! In that position, a quality delivery into the danger zone is exactly what you need.

Magnificent tackle from Kratos! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Kratos decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. Ball loss from Kratos in a duel, the defender is stronger and wins it back. Interception from Captain America who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Captain America.

Stunning tackle by Robert Oppenheimer in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. The engineer embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. The engineer finds Saitama in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective.

Perfect parity. Toji Fushiguro slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Spider-Man watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Gerald from Bath says you simply tut loudly, stir aggressively, and leave a passive-aggressive TripAdvisor review. The letter template is his! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-0 (W)

The superhero plays it simple to Virgil van Dijk, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Virgil van Dijk sees what nobody else sees and puts Captain America through on goal with a genius through ball. GOOOOAL for Captain America! He plays Saitama in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

The jujutsu sorcerer throws it out to Captain America, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Captain America explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. The military personnel lobs the entire defence with a chipped cross for Superman. That kind of technique is the hallmark of the very best.

Hulk boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The crowd can sense it, something's about to give.

Brilliant tackle from Hulk! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Saitama lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off! We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half.

The superhero plays it short to Virgil van Dijk, slowing the tempo. In that position, playing the corner with brains rather than brute force is priceless. Virgil van Dijk gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Kratos is there to meet it. Kratos misses the unmissable! Monkey D. Luffy serves him in front of a gaping goal and he fires over. That is cruel.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Virgil van Dijk stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Superman bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. Satoru Gojo claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 37 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3030 and answer this question: 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?' Superman spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Satoru Gojo finds Virgil van Dijk with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Virgil van Dijk tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Breathtaking dive from Satoru Gojo! He was a yard from the ball but stretched the arm and tipped it! On the corner from Superman, Saitama rises and powers his header but it goes over the bar.

Virgil van Dijk delivers a tidy ball to Saitama, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Saitama clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick.

Robert Oppenheimer with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Robert Oppenheimer lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Driven kick from Satoru Gojo to Virgil van Dijk, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Massive diagonal from Virgil van Dijk! Robert Oppenheimer receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy. Frenzied press, two players jumping on every touch. What a tackle by Virgil van Dijk! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Virgil van Dijk clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Toji Fushiguro, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Toji Fushiguro is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump.

Victory! Hulk and Robert Oppenheimer lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Douala Makossa-Corner have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?'. The answer was of course 2,400 if written in capitals, or 1,200 if you use passive aggression. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Every throw-in becomes a corner, every corner becomes a chance. Good delivery from Monkey D. Luffy off the left flank, Kratos positions himself between the two centre-halves. What a DOWNWARD header from Kratos! Sumptuous header on the cross from Toji Fushiguro, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Classy interception from Virgil van Dijk, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Lay-off from Virgil van Dijk to Monkey D. Luffy, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. The ship captain presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. One touch football: Monkey D. Luffy to Superman, faster than the opposition can think.

Kratos keeps it short to Saitama, no frills, just good football intelligence. Great overlap from Saitama down the flank, pinpoint cross for Hulk in the area. This is the moment. The scientist misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. Satoru Gojo sparks the transition with a quick throw to Hulk, the break is lightning fast. The scientist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Superman. Pure quality, as per usual.

The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now. Complete suffocation, the opposition can't get past the halfway line. Hulk puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Hulk scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

The corner from Superman lands on the head of Monkey D. Luffy but the ball flies over. He had to do better. Toji Fushiguro heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Captain America swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Superman, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Superman, you go left. Monkey D. Luffy, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. A wonderful anecdote — Hulk once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 28 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Saturday Night Takeaway Kebab! To win a doner kebab the size of your head, text 0800KEBAB and answer: 'At what hour on a Saturday night does a kebab become a medical necessity?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Hulk takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Huge tackle from Virgil van Dijk! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Virgil van Dijk slides it to Kratos, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Lay-off from Kratos to Hulk out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails.

Kratos puts Robert Oppenheimer into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Burst of speed from the engineer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. The engineer chips a lob over the defence for Monkey D. Luffy. That kind of vision is rare in that position. Ball claimed in both hands by Satoru Gojo in his box. Subtle gesture but ultra effective. Top top level. Satoru Gojo sends an absolute rocket towards Saitama, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Instinctive clearance from Robert Oppenheimer who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody.

What a disaster! Lagos No-Carry-Last score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Satoru Gojo runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Toji Fushiguro joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The warrior produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Rapid combination: Kratos to Saitama, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Pass into no-man's land from Saitama, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality.

Monkey D. Luffy plays the free kick as a cross, Hulk finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. The scientist dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Toji Fushiguro burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. The player dinks his cross over the centre-backs for Virgil van Dijk. The kind of ball that changes the course of a match at the highest level.

Points shared. Spider-Man sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Superman crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Tommo from Newcastle says half eleven and not a minute sooner. The giant kebab is his! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. Saitama has the gift of the great strikers: being where it matters. On the loose ball, he prods it in, GOAL!

Saitama dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Kratos can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Satoru Gojo claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Enormous anticipation from Hulk who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. The scientist finds Toji Fushiguro along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Raking ball from the player to Hulk, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The scientist lays it off first time to Virgil van Dijk, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Superman controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner. The referee's been called over to the monitor. Nobody knows which way this is going. VAR correction in favour of the superhero! What a relief for a player in that role — justice is served. PUSHED AWAY! Monkey D. Luffy's penalty is saved by the keeper who dives the right way. What a moment! Satoru Gojo plays it along the ground to Captain America, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Terrible tackle from the warrior on the attacker. At that level and in that position, there's no excuse for going in like that. The referee brandishes the red card! Kratos has elbowed the opponent in the ribs deliberately. Kratos whips the free kick into the box for Captain America, dangerous delivery! Captain America takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

Massive clearance from the engineer under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Toji Fushiguro anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Toji Fushiguro clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Satoru Gojo, stop dropping deep. Saitama, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Satoru Gojo accidentally went live on Instagram while singing Spice Girls in the bath. The clip hit 2 million views before the 37-year-old even noticed — Mel B reportedly sent a thumbs up. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5959 and answer this question: 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?' And they are off! Satoru Gojo touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Satoru Gojo throws it out quickly to Monkey D. Luffy, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Short build-up from Monkey D. Luffy to Captain America, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Good ball from the military personnel to Saitama, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Saitama steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Free kick from Saitama, lovely delivery and Hulk rises above the defence.

Toji Fushiguro changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Monkey D. Luffy. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Header won by Monkey D. Luffy, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Toji Fushiguro tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

And it's in! Barranquilla Toque-Toque take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Satoru Gojo weaves through Barranquilla Toque-Toque's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Virgil van Dijk screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Satoru Gojo plays out from the back with Hulk, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. The scientist opens up to Toji Fushiguro on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Toji Fushiguro wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

The jujutsu sorcerer goes long for Toji Fushiguro, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. The player lays it off first time to Monkey D. Luffy, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The ship captain switches the play to Robert Oppenheimer, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Robert Oppenheimer overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Cut-back from Robert Oppenheimer along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Saitama centrally.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. The player overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Toji Fushiguro chips his ball over the centre-backs for Robert Oppenheimer, the timing is absolutely perfect. Aerial claim from Satoru Gojo! He grabs the ball in both hands and clutches it to his chest. The keeper is on guard. Short restart from the jujutsu sorcerer to Robert Oppenheimer, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Points shared with Barranquilla Toque-Toque. Satoru Gojo slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Hulk has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?'. The answer was of course Mach 2 on a Sunday, or Mach 4 if someone has pushed at the post office. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-1 (W)

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Satoru Gojo spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Robert Oppenheimer gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Monkey D. Luffy catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. The ship captain lobs the keeper with a SILKY touch! In that position, that kind of finish shows you have a football IQ above average. PERFECT lob, GOAL!

Rehearsed move all week: Monkey D. Luffy and Kratos stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Satoru Gojo plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Hulk reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. The superhero winds up and sends a SCREAMER top bins! In that position, that level of power is what makes you unpredictable. GOAL!

Hulk kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Virgil van Dijk takes a knee behind him. Satoru Gojo raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall pass between the superhero and Toji Fushiguro, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Lay-off from the superhero for Captain America on the penalty spot. That kind of game reading separates the good from the great.

Good ball from Saitama to Spider-Man, playing it quick between the lines. Spider-Man puts it right into the feet of Monkey D. Luffy, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Monkey D. Luffy wants to play it quick but the pass to Toji Fushiguro is wayward, lacking any precision. Absolutely immense from Saitama! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back.

"We are cruising, lads, but we keep the foot on the gas, understood?" The gaffer is calm but firm. Saitama responds with a thumbs up, mouth full of banana. Spider-Man is retying {his} boots for the third time, a habit that drives the kit man mad. The mood is confident without being cocky. Just right. We can exclusively reveal that Satoru Gojo, standing 180, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0898 and answer this question: 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Kratos wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Perfectly executed challenge by Kratos, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Kratos spots the run from Robert Oppenheimer and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Robert Oppenheimer has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save.

The warrior finds Virgil van Dijk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Virgil van Dijk turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Monkey D. Luffy. The defence did not even have time to blink. Devastating burst of pace from Monkey D. Luffy, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Monkey D. Luffy gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Superman. Superman swings in the corner, it's bedlam! The ball bounces around like a pinball, defense clears!

Pull-back from the military personnel for Monkey D. Luffy in the area. The bare minimum at that level, but delivered with perfect timing. MISSSSED! Monkey D. Luffy alone in front of goal on the service from Kratos and it goes wide. The bench has heads in hands. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Saitama sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. Dribble from Saitama in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous. Shot from the superhero, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close.

Satoru Gojo fires it out quickly by hand to Toji Fushiguro, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. The player opens up to Saitama on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Sharp cut inside from Saitama, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Kratos plays it simple to Spider-Man, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Little shift from Spider-Man to Robert Oppenheimer, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Wall combination between Robert Oppenheimer and Captain America, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward.

The whistle blows and Virgil van Dijk lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. Satoru Gojo claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?'. The answer was of course Biscuitgrad, which only appears on maps printed during bank holidays. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

Saitama slips Spider-Man in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Spider-Man charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. GOOOAL! Spider-Man sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Saitama runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Captain America gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Body feint from the military personnel, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Dangerous challenge from the military personnel, studs up into the attacker. That's not what you want from a player in that role. Captain America goes into the book, raised his studs into the challenge. No place for that. Free kick played short by the military personnel! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable. Superman spreads it to Robert Oppenheimer, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

It's in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Switch from Virgil van Dijk! The ball arcs over the midfield and Toji Fushiguro collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Smart pass from Toji Fushiguro into the hole for Superman, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. The superhero whips in a classic cross for Virgil van Dijk in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Hulk threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Virgil van Dijk bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Virgil van Dijk is flagged offside, frustrating for Monkey D. Luffy who played a lovely ball through. Massive punt from Satoru Gojo, sends the ball sixty yards, Superman is scrapping for it up top. Superman sends an aerial beauty to Monkey D. Luffy, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Hulk gets shifted. Kratos drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim Virgil van Dijk once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 195 and 35 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' Kratos leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

The player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The player bends the ball into the box for Virgil van Dijk. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Virgil van Dijk tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck. The scientist hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Captain America launches it to Kratos on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. The warrior gets to the byline and floats one in for Robert Oppenheimer. Crossing is his bread and butter. Wasted cross from the engineer, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Virgil van Dijk spots Kratos in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

The ship captain floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. OHHH the header from Kratos! It goes just right of the post, the keeper was beaten! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Superman heads the corner from Captain America at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough. The jujutsu sorcerer finds Monkey D. Luffy with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Monkey D. Luffy takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Pinpoint delivery from the ship captain towards Superman, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Quick exchange between Saitama and Virgil van Dijk, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Virgil van Dijk goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, Superman is unmarked at the far post. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! Superman has the goal gifted by Spider-Man and he fluffs his lines completely. You feel for him. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

And that's a goal! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Rehearsed move all week: Satoru Gojo and Saitama stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Satoru Gojo plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Monkey D. Luffy squares it back for Virgil van Dijk, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in. The defender sacrifices himself and blocks Virgil van Dijk's strike! Takes the full force of the shot. Virgil van Dijk crosses from the right but the defender blocks it with his shins. It is not getting through. Satoru Gojo lumps it long towards Virgil van Dijk, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Gutting. Robert Oppenheimer throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Captain America picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

Virgil van Dijk dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Virgil van Dijk covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run. Virgil van Dijk aims like a surgeon on the cross from Toji Fushiguro! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

Virgil van Dijk stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Kratos comes over and hugs him without a word.

Kratos switches the play to Toji Fushiguro on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Toji Fushiguro attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. Saitama produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Decisive interception from Robert Oppenheimer who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Robert Oppenheimer saw it all. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric!

Robert Oppenheimer uses Captain America as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. Cut-back along the turf from the engineer for Saitama. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. SAVED by Satoru Gojo! That strike looked unstoppable but the keeper pulled out a SUPERHUMAN reflex! Quick throw from Satoru Gojo to Hulk out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Hulk sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level.

They've scored! Rio Malandro FC find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Hulk, stop dropping deep. Saitama, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. We can exclusively reveal that Superman, standing 180, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Superman knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Spider-Man presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Quick dribble from Spider-Man, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. The superhero plays it simple to Saitama, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Saitama unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Tidy restart from Satoru Gojo along the deck to Spider-Man, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Spider-Man lays it off first time to Robert Oppenheimer, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Saitama presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Brilliant pass from Saitama! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Hulk is onto it. Hulk absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition. Spider-Man slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. The superhero launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. With one swing of the boot, Saitama finds Spider-Man on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Feint from Toji Fushiguro, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. The player goes in recklessly on the attacker. For someone in that position, you'd expect far more discipline. Toji Fushiguro picks up a caution for swinging his elbow in the challenge. Seen it, penalised it. The player plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ. Spider-Man sets it for Toji Fushiguro, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Long kick from Satoru Gojo, Hulk positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. The scientist lays it off first time to Spider-Man, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

Perfect parity. Superman slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Virgil van Dijk watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-3 (L)

The superhero goes for the short corner to Toji Fushiguro, great vision. In that position, having the awareness to build rather than force it makes you stand out. Toji Fushiguro drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Spider-Man is free inside the eighteen-yard box. OOOOH the tap-in from Spider-Man! On the loose ball, he was 6 yards out, he pokes it in. GOAL!

Saitama slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Spider-Man photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Suffocating pressure, defenders can't get out of their own half. Unbelievable, Satoru Gojo has come all the way into the opposition box, goal left wide open. GOOOOAL! Spider-Man flies like a bird on the cross from Monkey D. Luffy and powers his header into the bottom corner!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Satoru Gojo ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Virgil van Dijk leaps over him. Satoru Gojo walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Unbelievable! Istanbul Cehennem FK score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. What a ball from Robert Oppenheimer! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Spider-Man is away on his own. That is velvet. Overlap from Spider-Man with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The superhero bends the ball into the box for Superman. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Corner from Superman, straight into the mixer! It's a right old scramble, a defender clears off the line!

Counters flying in both directions, both keepers on red alert. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Virgil van Dijk finds Superman in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Saitama's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Saitama takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Kratos has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 28, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4040 and answer this question: 'What is the national dish of a car park?' Back on the pitch and Superman is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Oh no, Istanbul Cehennem FK score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Dead defender. Satoru Gojo mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Monkey D. Luffy completes the choreography by collapsing. Satoru Gojo arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Captain America looks up and swings in a floated cross, Monkey D. Luffy rises among the defenders. Spectacular volley tried by Monkey D. Luffy, the ball flies away from goal but the crowd applaud the effort. Satoru Gojo distributes by hand to Virgil van Dijk on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Free kick crossed in by the superhero into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Saitama rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power. Satoru Gojo distributes short to Superman, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Effort from Monkey D. Luffy, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal. Corner from Monkey D. Luffy, the defence heads it clear, the ball is punted well away from the box. Interception from Toji Fushiguro right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. The player lays it off first time to Superman, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Corner from Monkey D. Luffy and a header from Captain America, it grazes the bar but goes over. Ooh so close! Long ball from Satoru Gojo for Virgil van Dijk who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Crunching tackle by Virgil van Dijk on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Satoru Gojo and Toji Fushiguro do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Satoru Gojo arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Robert Oppenheimer fires the ball over to Toji Fushiguro with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Superb tackle from the player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Toji Fushiguro plays it into the channel for Kratos, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. SHOOOOT from the warrior! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Kratos picks out Toji Fushiguro with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Toji Fushiguro shifts it to Virgil van Dijk with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Virgil van Dijk bounces it off Saitama for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality.

A loss that will linger. Robert Oppenheimer drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Saitama texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the national dish of a car park?'. The answer was of course a ticket with a side of despair and a drizzle of concrete dust. Reginald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-3 (L)

Rabona from Monkey D. Luffy, the audacity of the skill and the crowd wants more. GOOOOAL solo from Monkey D. Luffy! He beats everyone in his path and sends the ball into the net. SUMPTUOUS!

Kratos cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. The superhero sends a cannonball on the pass from Saitama, GOOOAL! In that position, that kind of power in the strike is an insane weapon.

Kratos weaves through Milano Piano-Piano's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Satoru Gojo screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

It was bound to happen. Milano Piano-Piano score and honestly, we deserved that.

Satoru Gojo rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Virgil van Dijk jumps on his back, Satoru Gojo is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Enormous run from Virgil van Dijk to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. The referee's whistle goes against Virgil van Dijk, caught the opponent late. Virgil van Dijk whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Spider-Man throws himself at it for a header. IMPECCABLE aerial command from Satoru Gojo! He clears house, the ball is in his gloves.

Saitama finds the gap and serves Captain America in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Wide from the military personnel! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. Short distribution from Satoru Gojo to Spider-Man, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Diagonal from Spider-Man to Hulk, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Enormous leap from the scientist who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Toji Fushiguro pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Back on the estate, Superman is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 28 and standing 180, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' Second half underway and Superman is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

The warrior reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Captain America winds up the right foot and LEEEEETS FLY! On target, heading top bins but the keeper claws it out!

The corner from Monkey D. Luffy is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Emergency clearance from Virgil van Dijk, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Toji Fushiguro looks up and launches a long pass towards Monkey D. Luffy. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

The ship captain puts in a pinpoint corner but nobody hits the target. In that position, it is maddening to see your deliveries go to waste like that. Monkey D. Luffy boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Robert Oppenheimer launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Robert Oppenheimer was flying. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post.

Virgil van Dijk throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Virgil van Dijk drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Monkey D. Luffy read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. The ship captain winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Oh dear oh dear! Milano Piano-Piano score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Dreadful pass from Hulk, lands three yards away from the target. Saitama can do nothing with that. The superhero reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Saitama pings a long diagonal to Toji Fushiguro, completely shifts the point of attack.

It's a goal for Milano Piano-Piano! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Short free kick, Superman gives it to Virgil van Dijk who finds himself with space to work with. SHOOOOT from Virgil van Dijk... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. The military personnel lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

That's that, then. Satoru Gojo trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Hulk hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Wave after wave, the defenders are dropping one by one. Captain America whips in a cross at head height, Superman anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. The superhero rises and plants his header on the cross from Captain America! In that position, that heading game is what justifies your presence in the box. GOAL!

Captain America scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Satoru Gojo is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Crucial intervention from the engineer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Toji Fushiguro powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Lovely use of the ball by Toji Fushiguro, finding Robert Oppenheimer in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The engineer shifts Kratos into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

The team cranks up the pressure, their midfielder gives it straight back. Virgil van Dijk steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Brilliant switch of play from Virgil van Dijk! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Captain America. The military personnel slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position.

GOAAAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Satoru Gojo and Saitama do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Satoru Gojo arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Satoru Gojo launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Robert Oppenheimer after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Lovely anticipation from the engineer who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. The engineer finds Saitama along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Satoru Gojo: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Hulk, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. A delightful revelation — Superman panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 28 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 9999 and answer this question: 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?' Right then, part two. Virgil van Dijk adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Inch-perfect tackle by Hulk, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Lightning overlap from Toji Fushiguro, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Pinpoint delivery from the player towards Saitama, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

The military personnel whips in a classic cross for Robert Oppenheimer in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. The cross from Robert Oppenheimer is blocked by the centre-back. The back line is not letting anything through. The corner from Hulk is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss. Magnificent reading of the game from Robert Oppenheimer, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

A real crescendo is building here, the noise levels are climbing. Deflected shot from the superhero, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect. Superman tries to cross from the wing but the defender heads it away. Massive clearance from Saitama in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. The jujutsu sorcerer dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. The jujutsu sorcerer goes long for Hulk, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Decisive interception from the scientist, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Individual run from Hulk, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper.

Superb defensive work from Robert Oppenheimer there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Sideways ball from Robert Oppenheimer to Superman, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Superman feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. Free kick conceded by the superhero, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Booking for Superman, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last.

Ferocious high press, the ball carrier is in full panic mode. Monkey D. Luffy goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Monkey D. Luffy just won it. Monkey D. Luffy slides a beauty through the gap, Kratos is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. CRAAACKER from Kratos outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide!

A draw — that grey zone. Monkey D. Luffy signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Saitama adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 1974, following the Great Sock Uprising. Brenda wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. Superman chips the keeper with an EXQUISITE lob! The ball rises gently, clears the outstretched gloves and drops into the goal. GOAL! You want to APPLAUD even as a neutral!

Satoru Gojo sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Superman, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Overlap from the player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Toji Fushiguro sends a lobbed cross over the defenders, Monkey D. Luffy arrives at full tilt in behind. OHHHH the HEEEEADER from Monkey D. Luffy! On the gift from Saitama, he plants the ball perfectly and beats the keeper!

Full moonwalk from Toji Fushiguro, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Superman does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Satoru Gojo applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. The overlap from Monkey D. Luffy, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Monkey D. Luffy lays it off on the edge of the box for Spider-Man, it is all wide open! The superhero has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Good ball from the engineer to Captain America, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Captain America shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. Smooth transition from Captain America to Hulk, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Hulk gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Virgil van Dijk just needs to sidefoot it home. COLOSSAL save from Satoru Gojo! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. Monkey D. Luffy, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. Kratos sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 28, the 180-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Fink! To win a voucher for the Wetherspoons breakfast, text 5567 and answer: 'What is the cheapest full English breakfast in Britain and does it come with unlimited toast?' Monkey D. Luffy spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Beautifully worked short corner from the superhero to Spider-Man. In that role, the ability to vary your delivery makes you a complete player. Spider-Man floats a cross in from the wing for Toji Fushiguro, the ball hangs in the box! The cross from Toji Fushiguro is gathered by the keeper without the slightest difficulty. Pointless. Satoru Gojo smashes a volley towards Spider-Man, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Commanding header from Spider-Man who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Spider-Man did not budge an inch.

Nutmeg from the military personnel on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Captain America grabs the attacker by the shorts, bit embarrassing that! Captain America sees yellow for a rugby tackle on the breakaway. Free kick, card, job done. Short free kick from the military personnel, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence.

One laser pass from Virgil van Dijk and the entire defence is eliminated, Spider-Man is through on goal. The space is enormous. Effort from Spider-Man, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. The superhero opens up to Virgil van Dijk on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Oh that's poor! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Robert Oppenheimer triggers a change of flanks for Virgil van Dijk, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. OHHH Virgil van Dijk unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner!

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Satoru Gojo rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Saitama jumps on his back, Satoru Gojo is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

BLOCKED by the defender! Superman was unlucky there, good shot but even better block. Toji Fushiguro takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. The warrior boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

Free kick from Saitama curled into the area, Spider-Man attacks it with a header. The superhero whips in the corner and it's MAYHEM! In that position, creating panic from set pieces is a massive weapon. The shot from Monkey D. Luffy doesn't get through, the defender blocks it with his legs. Well read. The superhero launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

A loss that will linger. Kratos drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Robert Oppenheimer texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. Baz from Middlesbrough says two pounds ninety-nine at the Spoons on the high street and yes the toast is unlimited. Breakfast voucher for Baz! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Saitama touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

Short corner from the superhero to Monkey D. Luffy, fine tactical intelligence. In that role, knowing when to cross and when to play short makes all the difference. Low cut-back from Monkey D. Luffy, Hulk arrives at pace and can hit it first time. GOOOOOAL! Hulk was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Saitama scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Monkey D. Luffy is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

The engineer lays it off first time to Spider-Man, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Good cross from the superhero for Robert Oppenheimer in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. The engineer sees his cross deflected behind for a corner. It happens, but you have got to keep delivering from that side. The jujutsu sorcerer finds Monkey D. Luffy with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Monkey D. Luffy springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference.

Spider-Man picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. The superhero sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters. Satoru Gojo takes his time and plays it short to Virgil van Dijk. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Virgil van Dijk to Robert Oppenheimer, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

On the corner from Monkey D. Luffy, Hulk wins the aerial duel but his header goes over. Short restart from the jujutsu sorcerer to Spider-Man, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. What a block! Spider-Man slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable.

Satoru Gojo rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Hulk glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Here's one for the ages — Saitama is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 180, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1234 and answer this question: 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?' They are back. Kratos salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Satoru Gojo smashes a volley towards Kratos, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Kratos reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Lovely use of the ball by Kratos, finding Spider-Man in a tight pocket of space. Quality. OHHH Spider-Man strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling!

Change of flanks from Hulk, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Spider-Man. Spider-Man beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Spider-Man hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Virgil van Dijk wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing.

Oh it's gone in! London Three-Pints find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Satoru Gojo spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Captain America gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Saitama gives it to Hulk into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Hulk beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. Foul by the scientist, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Hulk sees yellow for a reckless sliding challenge. The opponent did well to avoid worse. Hulk tries to beat the wall from the free kick but it's blocked. Shame.

And there it is, London Three-Pints score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Long ball from Saitama to Captain America, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Magnificent leap from Captain America who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Captain America slides it to Robert Oppenheimer, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. The superhero winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. The jujutsu sorcerer finds Superman with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. One touch football: Superman to Saitama, faster than the opposition can think.

Level at the final whistle. Saitama and Virgil van Dijk walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?'. The answer was of course three and a half, or four if you really mean it. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.