the goon squad — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | the goon squad | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... The goon squad! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Michael Jordan on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 198 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Vincent van Gogh, his brother-in-law and an architectural draftsperson by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their T-square and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Vincent van Gogh can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the building plans to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
98-102 (L)
Stephen Hawking fades away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this household name!
Vincent van Gogh knocks down an and-one from way beyond the arc! Ice in the veins!
Michelangelo gets crossed over! This hall-of-fame lock left frozen in the paint!
Michael Jordan, this once-in-a-lifetime player, with the shot-clock heave! No good from way beyond the arc!
Vincent van Gogh sparks the comeback! The architectural draftsperson fire from their T-square ignites the venue!
Both teams head in. Stephen Hawking has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Word is Stephen Hawking sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Michelangelo misfires on the potential dagger! This hall-of-fame lock lets them off the hook!
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to force bad shots in tough moments!
Michelangelo plays with the grit of someone who designs the bold facade daily!
This diamond in the rough Christopher Langan misses the free throws! Tendency to force bad shots at the line!
Michelangelo tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we designs better, like the bold facade!'
Stephen Hawking and Michael Jordan walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
104-95 (W)
Stephen Hawking, this absolute legend, embraces the boiling cauldron! Game on!
Christopher Langan, this versatile guy, glides in the paint for a silky fadeaway jumper!
This undisputed superstar Michelangelo takes the charge from the right corner! Gutsy play!
Michael Jordan picks apart the defense! Assist leads to an and-one!
Christopher Langan iso at the top! Isolating the matchup with epidemiologist focus!
Both teams head to the locker room. Christopher Langan wipes his forehead with his jersey. Small detail: Christopher Langan wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Christopher Langan converts from way beyond the arc! A two-handed slam with trademark an off-the-charts basketball IQ!
Christopher Langan gets a crowd fully behind them every time they step on the den! The epidemiologist aura!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan swings the damn ball around! An off-the-charts basketball IQ ball movement!
This potential GOAT Michelangelo with a performance for the ages! A career-defining moment chapter!
Michelangelo finishes what they started! Finishing the basketball like finishing the bold facade!
Stephen Hawking grabs Michael Jordan and hoists him onto his shoulders. Vincent van Gogh tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. I got a text from Stephen Hawking after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
101-109 (L)
And we're underway! Michael Jordan touches the ball first! This certified GOAT candidate looks eager!
This raw talent Christopher Langan whiffs on a tear drop! The crowd groans!
Vincent van Gogh forces the pass! Forcing their T-square where it doesn't fit!
Michelangelo gives up the easy bucket! Easier than designing the bold facade!
Christopher Langan catches and shoots,a floater! Quick hands from competing the game!
The players disappear. Vincent van Gogh has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Did you know Vincent van Gogh knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Orlando Magic-Beans's colors. By accident, obviously. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Vincent van Gogh, this tweener, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
Stephen Hawking shoots the basketball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this undisputed superstar!
Stephen Hawking, this solid build, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michelangelo can barely jump! The springs are gone facing the rim!
Michael Jordan walks off in silence. This guy with rings on every finger gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Christopher Langan lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Stephen Hawking holds his in. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
104-97 (W)
This potential GOAT Michelangelo in the starting lineup! Let's see what this potential GOAT brings!
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, with a silky tear drop off the pick and roll! Smooth operator!
Michael Jordan, this mammoth, contests without fouling! Clean as a whistle!
Michael Jordan with the lob pass from way beyond the arc! This once-in-a-lifetime player to the teammate! Boom!
Michelangelo reads the defense perfectly! Silky smooth technique and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Michelangelo to massage his thighs. Little scoop: Michelangelo logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Vincent van Gogh, this do-it-all player, showcases natural-born leadership with a gorgeous reverse layup!
Christopher Langan lets fly and the noise is deafening! A Playoff atmosphere! Wow!
Michelangelo sacrifices the body taking the charge! This hall-of-fame lock ultimate teammate!
Every time Michelangelo touches the damn ball, you see the discipline of their drafting compass!
This hungry young player Christopher Langan led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Stephen Hawking and Michael Jordan act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
104-109 (L)
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, sets the tone immediately! Eyes in the back of the head from the jump!
Michael Jordan, this global icon, exploits the mismatch for an off-balance shot! Too easy!
Michelangelo gets posted up and scored on! This all-time great overpowered!
Michael Jordan dribbles but the shot rims out! Lack of consistency rears its ugly head!
This who-is-this-guy player Christopher Langan hits the big three! The deficit down to single digits!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Vincent van Gogh picks up the pace. Juicy anecdote: Vincent van Gogh was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Vincent van Gogh penetrates and bricks it! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the third quarter!
This newcomer Christopher Langan stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
The evolution of Stephen Hawking: challenging the young scholars taught patience. The gym taught glory!
Vincent van Gogh picks up the offensive foul! An architectural draftsperson charging like they charge at the building plans!
Stephen Hawking had the chances but couldn't convert. This living legend left wanting.
Stephen Hawking punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Vincent van Gogh slides down the wall to the floor. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
105-109 (L)
Christopher Langan announces themselves! The epidemiologist has arrived and the building knows it!
Michelangelo with the crafty double-clutch layup! That dawg mentality on display!
Michael Jordan, this colossus, gets exploited in the switch! Injury-prone body exposed in the mismatch!
This basketball god Michelangelo muscles up a buzzer-beater but can't get it to fall!
Christopher Langan brings them back from the brink! Their bare hands to the rescue!
Halftime! Stephen Hawking looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Anecdote: Stephen Hawking lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Stephen Hawking turns it over at the jump ball! This basketball god crumbles under pressure!
Michelangelo is visibly upset! Upset as an architect when the bold facade goes sideways!
Stephen Hawking carries the weight of their lecture notes and the basketball with equal grace!
Michelangelo misses both free throws! An architect failing the bold facade inspection, twice!
Christopher Langan vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Stephen Hawking refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Michael Jordan watches it and immediately regrets it. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
116-85 (W)
Michelangelo fires away into position! This hall-of-fame lock not wasting any time!
A euro-step from Vincent van Gogh! This franchise cornerstone is putting on a show tonight!
Stephen Hawking, this basketball god, sets the table at the top of the key! Assist master!
Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, operates on the low block with a bucket! Clinic!
This certified GOAT candidate Michelangelo anchors the defense along the baseline! Nothing gets through!
The locker room. Michael Jordan sprawls out full-length on the bench. Locker room intel: Michael Jordan has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Christopher Langan drains it! Emptying the tank like an epidemiologist on double shift!
Michael Jordan posts up with confidence! The game is well in hand for this absolute legend!
Christopher Langan started competing the broken shot clock! Actually helpful!
Stephen Hawking celebrates with a fist pump toward the bench! Mimicking challenging the young scholars on the court!
Christopher Langan reflects on the game! The thoughtful reflection of an epidemiologist after a big day!
Stephen Hawking and Michelangelo cradle the game ball like a baby. Michael Jordan takes a photo. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Michael Jordan. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
83-115 (L)
Stephen Hawking begins their shift on the field house! A university professor starting the their lecture notes shift!
Vincent van Gogh misfires from way beyond the arc! Even this certified GOAT candidate has off nights!
This living legend Michelangelo commits the 5-second violation! Clock management heavy feet!
Stephen Hawking gets blown by! Even a university professor couldn't stop that!
Vincent van Gogh can't mask the disappointment! This household name wearing it on the sleeve!
Intermission. Stephen Hawking dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Little scoop: Stephen Hawking logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Vincent van Gogh launches a bank shot and... Airball! Sometimes predictable game at its peak!
Michelangelo drags their feet! Heavy as their drafting compass at the end of a shift!
Stephen Hawking with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the young scholars!
Michael Jordan, this hall-of-fame lock, yells at the coaching staff! Injury-prone body causing friction!
Vincent van Gogh gave it everything! Everything an architectural draftsperson has, left on the court!
Christopher Langan's lip is trembling. Michelangelo dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
107-111 (L)
Christopher Langan looks dialed in from the start! Scary good handles preparation showing!
Michael Jordan attacks the pill with flair and hits a sky hook! Sensational!
Christopher Langan loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
This potential GOAT Stephen Hawking misfires again! Tendency to rush could cost the team!
Stephen Hawking digs deep for the comeback! Deep as a university professor digs into their best work!
Into the tunnel. Stephen Hawking grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Did you know Stephen Hawking started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Christopher Langan misses in the clutch! An alley-oop off the mark in overtime!
Michael Jordan shoots away from the huddle! This franchise cornerstone in a dark place mentally!
Remember this moment! Michael Jordan is making history with a fadeaway jumper!
Christopher Langan fouls at the worst time! An epidemiologist tripping over the game!
Stephen Hawking sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a university professor after their lecture notes broke!
Michael Jordan has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Christopher Langan has aged ten years in forty minutes. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
91-119 (L)
Tip-off! Vincent van Gogh gets us started! Let's go!
Michelangelo misses the open look! An architect never misses the bold facade... But misses the Spalding!
Turnover by Michelangelo! Designing the bold facade requires less coordination, clearly!
Vincent van Gogh loses the screen battle! Injury-prone body around the picks!
Christopher Langan, this unknown gem, sinks a double-clutch layup with surgical precision on the low block!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Michelangelo asks for an ice pack. Bus driver's confession: Michelangelo raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Michelangelo launches angrily after the turnover! This franchise cornerstone spiraling!
This franchise cornerstone Vincent van Gogh rattles it out! So close yet so far in the paint!
Stephen Hawking executes a dominant inside game perfectly! Precision learned as a university professor!
Stephen Hawking slows down visibly! Slower than their lecture notes on low power!
This living legend Stephen Hawking tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Stephen Hawking has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Michael Jordan has aged ten years in forty minutes. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
91-118 (L)
Vincent van Gogh gets the starting nod! An architectural draftsperson starting with their T-square confidence!
Vincent van Gogh, this do-it-all player, wastes a golden chance with a wild double-clutch layup!
Christopher Langan charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to rush when controlling pace!
This global icon Michelangelo bites on the fake! Beaten from downtown!
Michelangelo with the step-back step-back three! Creating space like an architect with their drafting compass!
Halftime whistle! Michael Jordan slides down against the hallway wall. Did you know? Michael Jordan once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Michelangelo throws their hands up! Like an architect when their drafting compass breaks!
Vincent van Gogh denied by the basket! Even an architectural draftsperson can't pry it open!
Stephen Hawking finds the angle! The angle university professor uses for the young scholars!
Michael Jordan dishes but the legs won't cooperate! Limited stamina catching up!
Michelangelo drives to the tunnel in disappointment. This absolute legend will learn from this.
Michelangelo avoids the cameras like the plague. Stephen Hawking gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
99-98 (W)
Stephen Hawking, this franchise cornerstone, draws first blood! A free throw to start!
This household name Michael Jordan with the no-foul contest from way beyond the arc! Clean as a whistle!
This all-time great Vincent van Gogh short-arms a hook shot facing the rim! Not enough lift!
A bucket from Michael Jordan! This absolute legend reminding everyone why they're on top!
Stephen Hawking adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran university professor!
Halftime! Michelangelo checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know? Michelangelo has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Michelangelo with ice in their veins! Cool as an architect when everything's on the line!
Christopher Langan with the help-side flawless defensive rotation! This unknown gem always in position!
The crowd does the wave for Christopher Langan! Epidemiologist pride!
Michael Jordan delivers in the clutch! A hook shot from downtown! This global icon is ice cold!
This undisputed superstar Michelangelo thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Stephen Hawking grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Michelangelo applauds. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
91-123 (L)
Stephen Hawking steps onto the court! From challenging the young scholars to this, game time!
Michelangelo heaves and misses! Should have heaved the bold facade instead!
This all-time great Michael Jordan gets pickpocketed from way beyond the arc! Sloppy handling!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Christopher Langan attacks from the right corner and finishes with a two-handed slam! Too good!
End of the first half. Vincent van Gogh is beet red but still standing. Little scoop: Vincent van Gogh tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
This basketball god Michael Jordan slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, gets the look but can't convert in the paint!
Michelangelo manages the clock! Time management of an architect who never misses a deadline!
Michelangelo labors up the court! Trudging like an architect dragging the bold facade!
Michelangelo takes the loss hard! Hard as the bold facade on a bad architect day!
Stephen Hawking presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Michael Jordan walks right past without noticing. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
81-125 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Vincent van Gogh catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Christopher Langan, this hungry young player, fumbles the finish driving to the hoop! Back to the drawing board!
This franchise cornerstone Michelangelo loses concentration and the pill with it!
Vincent van Gogh fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an architectural draftsperson chasing the building plans!
This guy nobody was talking about Christopher Langan shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Break time. Stephen Hawking bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote: Stephen Hawking fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Michael Jordan with the contested catch-and-shoot triple driving to the hoop! No good! Bad selection!
Vincent van Gogh, this smooth operator, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This living legend Michael Jordan forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Vincent van Gogh slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an architectural draftsperson hits the workbench!
Vincent van Gogh leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as an architectural draftsperson after the building plans setback!
Vincent van Gogh is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Michael Jordan waits at the tunnel entrance. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
95-121 (L)
Michael Jordan, this colossus, takes the court! The Playoff atmosphere is electric!
Christopher Langan fires and misses from mid-range. Should have stuck with the game!
Stephen Hawking, this tweener, fumbles the entry pass facing the rim!
Vincent van Gogh falls asleep on the weak side! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Michael Jordan with the smooth step-back three! This franchise cornerstone making it look easy!
Back to the locker room. Vincent van Gogh punches his locker. Staff confession: Vincent van Gogh is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Stephen Hawking slams the orange in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Christopher Langan short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their bare hands!
Vincent van Gogh with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic architectural draftsperson misdirection!
This basketball god Stephen Hawking calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Shaky emotions under pressure taking its toll!
Michael Jordan, this basketball god, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Christopher Langan turns back to look at the court one last time. Michael Jordan doesn't turn around. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
the goon squad finishes #14 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... The goon squad!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Michael Jordan on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 198 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Vincent van Gogh, his brother-in-law and an architectural draftsperson by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their T-square and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Vincent van Gogh can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the building plans to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
the goon squad finishes #14 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
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