My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 15 | My Team | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Hulk. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. The chef's surprise of the evening is Usain Bolt. An athlete by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle personal records with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-105 (L)
Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Usain Bolt, this global icon, pulls the trigger at the top of the key but no luck!
Mary, this tweener, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the top of the key!
Hulk gambles for the steal and pays the price! Limited stamina!
Hulk scores again! When you're a scientist by trade, the pill is child's play!
Back to the locker room. Mary's shorts are torn but she couldn't care less. Anecdote: Mary tried to impress the Detroit Engine-Roar players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With her face. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
This undisputed superstar Hulk gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
This guy with rings on every finger Hulk whiffs on a buzzer-beater! The crowd groans!
Mahatma Gandhi sets the screen at the perfect angle! This guy with rings on every finger cerebral play!
Mary jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for competing the game tomorrow!
Mahatma Gandhi walks off in silence. This household name gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Mahatma Gandhi mutters 'damn' under his breath. Usain Bolt says 'yeah' in the same tone. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
113-105 (W)
Mary huddles with the team! Huddling up, the seamstress strategizes!
What a play by Jesus Christ! A thunderous slam on the low block! This all-time great is cooking!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, with the clutch defensive rebound! The crowd is on its feet!
This franchise cornerstone Hulk with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
Mahatma Gandhi with the perfect cut! Precision of a revolutionary with their bare hands!
Break! Mahatma Gandhi heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Anecdote: Mahatma Gandhi threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Mahatma Gandhi powers through for a pull-up jumper! The brute force of competing the game!
The jumbotron shows Usain Bolt's athlete highlight reel! What a career!
Jesus Christ lifts the bench's energy! Lifting spirits the way only a messiah can!
Hulk attacks with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
Usain Bolt, this absolute legend, embraces the teammates! A team high-five! Sweet victory!
Jesus Christ mimes popping a champagne bottle. Hulk mimes chugging straight from it. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
92-115 (L)
Mary comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the seamstress means business!
A floater by Mahatma Gandhi from mid-range is way off! Tough night for this first-ballot legend!
Mary tries to be too fancy and loses the damn ball! Hot head in the decision-making!
Jesus Christ can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
This franchise cornerstone Mahatma Gandhi converts along the baseline! A double-clutch layup right on cue!
Break time. Hulk bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: Hulk failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Mahatma Gandhi fires away the towel! This basketball god showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
Air ball from Mahatma Gandhi! Being a revolutionary doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ sets the back screen! Silky smooth technique off-ball contribution!
Jesus Christ takes the rest play! Even a messiah needs a breather!
Mary walks off in defeat! Even a seamstress's skills couldn't save tonight!
Mary refuses the coach's embrace. Jesus Christ accepts it but his body is stiff. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
98-100 (L)
This undisputed superstar Mahatma Gandhi catches the ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Hulk goes baseline and scores! The hidden truth prepared them for this moment!
Mahatma Gandhi bites on the fake! Fooled like a revolutionary by counterfeit the game!
Jesus Christ heaves and misses! Should have heaved the game instead!
Usain Bolt hits at the top of the key! The crowd is back in it! Game on!
Back to the locker room. Mary's shorts are torn but she couldn't care less. True story: Mary walked into the wrong locker room during her first game against Philadelphia Injury-Report. Awkward. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Hulk loses the handle during crunch time! The scientist grip vanished!
Mahatma Gandhi waves off the play! The authority of a revolutionary in that gesture!
Usain Bolt's athlete colleagues watch from the stands, the personal records banners held high!
Mahatma Gandhi gets stripped on a strategic timeout! That's gonna be a costly turnover!
Hulk shakes hands through the pain! A scientist who respects their lab notebook and the game!
Usain Bolt and Jesus Christ share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-93 (W)
Mahatma Gandhi bounces the rock pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Jesus Christ hits nothing but net! Pure as a messiah's work with their bare hands!
Jesus Christ drops into help defense! Always there when you need a messiah!
Hulk leads the break! Leading the charge like a scientist who runs the show!
Jesus Christ calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's messiah mentality!
Break! Mary grabs an ice bag and slaps it on her knee. Anecdote: Mary fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Mary lays it in softly! Touch softer than a seamstress's hands on the job!
The road crowd tries to rally but Jesus Christ silences them! A packed arena!
Mahatma Gandhi takes the charge for the team! Heart of a revolutionary, sacrifice of a warrior!
Jesus Christ becomes the symbol of this heated rivalry, a messiah defying all the odds!
Game over! Jesus Christ proved a messiah belongs on the gymnasium with their bare hands!
Hulk and Mahatma Gandhi freestyle a victory rap. Usain Bolt does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
100-105 (L)
Jesus Christ opens with a bucket! This hall-of-fame lock making an early statement!
Hulk drops a layup from the free-throw line! Range that would impress any scientist!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, lets the shooter get free from mid-range! Costly lapse!
Usain Bolt misfires! The athlete's precision with the personal records is nowhere to be found!
Jesus Christ scores on three straight possessions! Competing the game rhythm!
Break. Mahatma Gandhi collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. True story: Mahatma Gandhi walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Awkward. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Mahatma Gandhi airballs the potential winner! Competing the game is easier than this!
Jesus Christ slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a messiah hits the workbench!
Jesus Christ overcomes the early struggles! This living legend rising like a phoenix!
Usain Bolt can't convert in the fourth quarter! This franchise cornerstone shrinks in the moment!
This generational talent Mahatma Gandhi stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this generational talent wanted.
Hulk sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Jesus Christ winces. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
111-103 (W)
This absolute legend Hulk in the starting lineup! Let's see what this absolute legend brings!
Jesus Christ pops the jumper! Clean as their bare hands after a polish!
Hulk strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
Jesus Christ sets up the easy score! Easy as a messiah setting up their bare hands!
This first-ballot legend Hulk recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
The players head in. Mahatma Gandhi slips on the wet tunnel floor. Little scoop: Mahatma Gandhi collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Mary steps back the leather with flair and hits a hook shot! Sensational!
Chills at the field house as Hulk gets introduced! The scientist with their lab notebook!
Usain Bolt fights through the screen for the team! That athlete toughness right there!
This is the Usain Bolt game! This potential GOAT taking over in the third quarter!
Mary hangs up the sneakers! Calling it a night, the seamstress is done!
Hulk cries tears of joy in Mahatma Gandhi's arms. Mary is also crying but nobody knows why. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
111-112 (L)
Mary, this household name, draws first blood! A buzzer-beater to start!
Jesus Christ with an off-balance shot to seal the deal! A messiah who always closes!
Mary can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Jesus Christ, this all-time great, sends the damn ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Mary with the momentum-shifting play! The willpower of a seamstress right there!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Usain Bolt asks for an ice pack. Small detail: Usain Bolt wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Jesus Christ bricks it when it matters! Their bare hands accuracy went home early!
This hall-of-fame lock Mary hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from mid-range!
Usain Bolt, this titan, stands tall when the team needs this guy with rings on every finger most!
Hulk misses both free throws! A scientist failing the hidden truth inspection, twice!
Usain Bolt, this certified GOAT candidate, takes the loss hard. Shaky emotions under pressure at the wrong moments.
Mary is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Jesus Christ waits at the tunnel entrance. I learned backstage that Jesus Christ also does athlete on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
97-115 (L)
Hulk takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Hulk rushes a bucket from mid-range! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Usain Bolt coughs up the basketball! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again along the baseline!
Usain Bolt gets posterized! An athlete framed by the starting blocks in the worst way!
Jesus Christ steps back through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Players head to the locker room. Usain Bolt has tape on three fingers. Did you know? Usain Bolt once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
This generational talent Usain Bolt fouls hard out of frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Hulk misses on the decisive possession! A scientist dropping the hidden truth at the worst time!
Hulk draws the double team! Attracting attention, the scientist is a magnet out there!
Mary is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a seamstress would call it quits!
Mahatma Gandhi gave it everything! Everything a revolutionary has, left on the court!
Mahatma Gandhi refuses Houston Blast-Off's handshake. Mary offers a limp one with just her fingertips. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
91-127 (L)
Mahatma Gandhi locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a revolutionary who means business!
Mahatma Gandhi can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Mahatma Gandhi loses concentration and the damn ball with it!
This first-ballot legend Mary fouls reaching in! Tendency to rush on defense!
Mary picks up the second technical! This generational talent ejected! Heavy feet!
Break. Mahatma Gandhi collapses next to the vending machine. Staff confession: Mahatma Gandhi is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Mary misses the bunny! A seamstress dropping the game from point-blank!
Usain Bolt is spent! Used up like the personal records after an athlete's long day!
Stolen from Hulk! A scientist who let it slip through their fingers!
Hulk dunks and kicks the stanchion! This household name losing composure!
Mahatma Gandhi wipes a tear! A revolutionary who poured everything into the effort!
Usain Bolt rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Jesus Christ picks up his own and folds it carefully. Tonight I learned Usain Bolt used to be an athlete before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-111 (L)
Mary, this solid build, is introduced and the arena explodes! This guy with rings on every finger is in the building!
Mary forces a two-handed slam at half court! This guy with rings on every finger trying too hard!
Mary with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost seamstress!
Mahatma Gandhi overcommits and gets beat! Limited stamina when reading the play!
Mary, this guy with rings on every finger, absolutely nails an and-one facing the rim! Take a bow!
Back in the locker room, Hulk sits down and stares at the ceiling. Confession: Hulk tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Usain Bolt pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The athlete in them is showing!
Usain Bolt bricks it! Not the same accuracy as shatterring the personal records!
Usain Bolt, this generational talent, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Freakish explosiveness!
Hulk, this smooth operator, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Usain Bolt sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an athlete after the starting blocks broke!
Mary isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Usain Bolt tries to talk. She raises a hand to say no. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
92-109 (L)
Jesus Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
Brick! Hulk misfires back to the basket! Limited stamina at the worst time!
This guy with rings on every finger Usain Bolt dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Hulk gets posted up and scored on! This first-ballot legend overpowered!
Mahatma Gandhi penetrates with the precision of a revolutionary at work. And it's a euro-step!
That's a cut. Jesus Christ stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know Jesus Christ started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Mary storms to the bench! Heated! This seamstress doesn't handle losing well!
Mahatma Gandhi with a rough two-handed slam along the baseline! Limited stamina at the worst time!
Hulk, this do-it-all player, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Mary plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
This all-time great Jesus Christ shakes hands and moves on. In the end, occasional mental lapses proved costly.
Mahatma Gandhi turns back to look at the court one last time. Usain Bolt doesn't turn around. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
95-100 (L)
And we're underway! Mahatma Gandhi touches the pill first! This first-ballot legend looks eager!
Hulk can't hit from the three-point line! That zone is cursed for this scientist!
Hulk with the careless pass! Discoverring the hidden truth with more care, please!
Jesus Christ gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Jesus Christ with the decisive finger roll! Eyes in the back of the head when it matters most!
Halftime! Mahatma Gandhi is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know Mahatma Gandhi plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. We're back! The players look fired up.
Mary can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the Spalding frustration!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Ego the size of Texas!
Hulk, this global icon, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a devastating dunk!
Usain Bolt is gassed! More tired than after a full day of shatterring the personal records!
Jesus Christ looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a messiah!
Hulk sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Usain Bolt has his head in his hands. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
84-128 (L)
Mahatma Gandhi announces themselves! The revolutionary has arrived and the building knows it!
A thunderous slam from Mary goes in and out! Heartbreaking at the top of the key!
Jesus Christ loses possession! The game never leaves a messiah's hands like that!
This all-time great Mary misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Jesus Christ crosses over away from the huddle! This basketball god in a dark place mentally!
Halftime! Hulk looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Fun fact: Hulk failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Mary forces a bad sky hook! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs to trust teammates!
This guy with rings on every finger Usain Bolt calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking its toll!
Mary passes to nobody! This guy with rings on every finger with a head-scratching decision!
Usain Bolt dishes angrily after the turnover! This generational talent spiraling!
Usain Bolt vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the starting blocks reinforced with the personal records!
Hulk takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Mahatma Gandhi follows the same path. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
76-121 (L)
Opening possession for Jesus Christ! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
The rim rejects Mary! The rim says no! Even a seamstress gets rejected sometimes!
Mahatma Gandhi commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
This basketball god Hulk can't recover! Scored on along the baseline! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Usain Bolt, this walking skyscraper, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Halftime whistle. Mahatma Gandhi high-fives his teammates on the way out. Fun fact: Mahatma Gandhi tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Mary launches from deep and misses! A seamstress's range doesn't apply here!
Mary labors up the court! Trudging like a seamstress dragging the game!
Mary trips up in the paint! A seamstress never trips at work... Right?
This global icon Usain Bolt can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Usain Bolt tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we shatters better, like the personal records!'
Hulk's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Mahatma Gandhi breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
My Team finishes #15 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Hulk.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Hulk. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Usain Bolt. An athlete by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle personal records with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
My Team finishes #15 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Hulk.
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