67 — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | 67 | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... 67! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Jesus Christ. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Mike Tyson. A boxer. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a boxer, with hand wraps, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Mike Tyson has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses heavy bags with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-133 (L)
Opening possession for Mike Tyson! First touch, like first touch of the hand wraps!
The rim rejects Mike Tyson! The rim says no! Even a boxer gets rejected sometimes!
Adolf Hitler loses the damn ball! A soldier would never be this careless!
Spy ninja kyle, this combo guard, can't keep up with the speed! Heavy feet exposed!
Mike Tyson launches angrily after the turnover! This all-time great spiraling!
Finally a breather. Spy ninja kyle has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know spy ninja kyle keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl launches from deep and misses! A university professor's range doesn't apply here!
Adolf Hitler powers through! The soldier in them won't quit on the front line!
Jesus Christ with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Adolf Hitler storms to the bench! This household name is visibly upset!
Jesus Christ had the chances but couldn't convert. This living legend left wanting.
Adolf Hitler clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Mike Tyson fidgets with his wristband nervously. I learned that Adolf Hitler's father was a university professor. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
106-101 (W)
Jesus Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
Adolf Hitler jumps into the passing lane! A sky-high block! Huge play!
Adolf Hitler misses at the buzzer! A soldier who missed the deadline!
Spy ninja kyle, this unknown gem, drops a step-back three under the basket! Pure artistry!
Adolf Hitler plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a soldier on their best day!
The players head to the locker room. Adolf Hitler is sweating like a racehorse. Small detail: Adolf Hitler whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Spy ninja kyle attacks past everyone in the extra period! A pull-up jumper! Legendary!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl, this versatile guy, swats it into the third row! A surgical steal!
The arena buzzes for Mike Tyson! A boxer who electrifies wherever they go!
Spy ninja kyle, this tweener, with the clutch double-clutch layup! The building erupts!
Adolf Hitler delivers in this regular-season contest! The soldier shows up with their service rifle!
Spy ninja kyle and Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
84-128 (L)
Jesus Christ opens with a buzzer beater! This guy with rings on every finger making an early statement!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl denied by the basket! Even a university professor can't pry it open!
Mike Tyson with the backcourt violation! This global icon under too much pressure!
Mike Tyson overcommits and gets beat! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the play!
This hidden prospect Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl throws an elbow in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Players head to the locker room. Spy ninja kyle has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: spy ninja kyle lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
An and-one by Jesus Christ from the right corner is way off! Tough night for this undisputed superstar!
Mike Tyson is gassed! More tired than after a full day of pummelling the heavy bags!
Intercepted! Adolf Hitler's pass snatched right out of the air! A soldier would never be that careless!
This all-time great Adolf Hitler can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
This absolute legend Mike Tyson shakes hands and moves on. In the end, defense that's basically a suggestion proved costly.
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Mike Tyson watches it and immediately regrets it. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
86-116 (L)
Spy ninja kyle, this solid build, takes the court! The packed arena is electric!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl forces up a bucket over the defense! Tendency to rush! Bad decision!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Adolf Hitler with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Spy ninja kyle, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over shaky emotions under pressure!
Spy ninja kyle strings together a catch-and-shoot triple from downtown. A killer instinct on full display!
Halftime! Mike Tyson walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know Mike Tyson entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Mike Tyson vents at their teammates! The boxer who vents about the heavy bags!
Adolf Hitler can't convert! The soldier's touch with the front line deserted them!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl steps back to the right spot! That dawg mentality off-ball movement!
Adolf Hitler is visibly tired! This generational talent needs a timeout badly!
This hall-of-fame lock Adolf Hitler stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this hall-of-fame lock wanted.
Jesus Christ shakes Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-128 (L)
This surprise package spy ninja kyle comes out firing! A free throw in the first minute!
Mike Tyson, this undersized dog, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this generational talent!
Mike Tyson trips up in the perimeter! A boxer never trips at work... Right?
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl bites on the pump fake! This dude out of nowhere sent flying from the right corner!
This who-is-this-guy player spy ninja kyle hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at half court!
Rest. Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Jesus Christ puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Spy ninja kyle, this combo guard, looks exhausted in transition! The legs are gone!
Mike Tyson with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost boxer!
Jesus Christ mouths off at late in the quarter! A messiah venting about the game!
Adolf Hitler reflects on what could have been. Occasional mental lapses the difference tonight.
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl walks head down toward the tunnel. Jesus Christ drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
86-131 (L)
Jesus Christ begins their shift on the gymnasium! A messiah starting the their bare hands shift!
Mike Tyson, this household name, fumbles the finish at the top of the key! Back to the drawing board!
Jesus Christ with the backcourt violation! A messiah going backwards with the game!
This dark horse spy ninja kyle bites on the fake! Beaten from the right corner!
Spy ninja kyle takes off and kicks the stanchion! This surprise package losing composure!
Halftime. The doctor examines spy ninja kyle's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Little scoop: spy ninja kyle tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Adolf Hitler drives and fires but misses everything! Tendency to rush tonight!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from challenging the young scholars and hooping!
Jesus Christ coughs it up! A messiah's grip doesn't work on the pill!
This franchise cornerstone Mike Tyson gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Mike Tyson sits alone on the bench. This undisputed superstar processing the defeat.
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Mike Tyson slides down the wall to the floor. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
87-131 (L)
This global icon Adolf Hitler gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Adolf Hitler misfires from along the baseline! Their service rifle calibration needed!
Adolf Hitler, this pint-sized baller, gets the ball poked away! Heavy feet when protecting the orange!
Jesus Christ loses the battle in the paint! Being a messiah doesn't help you here!
Spy ninja kyle penetrates the towel! This hungry young player showing hot head!
Halftime! Adolf Hitler has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know Adolf Hitler keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl shoots an air ball in wild stands! A university professor lost in the noise!
Adolf Hitler tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a soldier's energy for the front line!
This all-time great Jesus Christ loses concentration and the orange with it!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl glares at the scoreboard! This total unknown not happy with the situation!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a university professor knows tough days!
Spy ninja kyle bites his lip, fists clenched. Adolf Hitler shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Tonight I had a revelation: Adolf Hitler runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-104 (L)
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl gets the starting nod! A university professor starting with their lecture notes confidence!
This first-ballot legend Mike Tyson whiffs on a bank shot! The crowd groans!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl botches the handoff! Even their lecture notes exchanges go smoother!
Jesus Christ loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, glides to back to the basket for a silky thunderous slam!
Time to breathe. Mike Tyson has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. True story: Mike Tyson walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Minnesota Ice-Wall. Awkward. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Jesus Christ pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The messiah in them is showing!
Jesus Christ misses! Even a messiah can't fix that shot!
Jesus Christ posts up into the right spacing! Eyes in the back of the head and elite court awareness!
Adolf Hitler misses from fatigue! This once-in-a-lifetime player can't get the elevation at the top of the key!
Jesus Christ launches past the media. This guy with rings on every finger not in the mood to talk.
Mike Tyson's eyes are red, jaw tight. Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Behind the scenes, I learned Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl was also a university professor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-126 (L)
Jesus Christ starts in the rim protector! Playing the rim protector the way a messiah plays with their bare hands!
Spy ninja kyle, this potential breakout star, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Mike Tyson throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the boxer got too confident!
Mike Tyson watches helplessly! A boxer watching the heavy bags fall off the shelf!
Spy ninja kyle, this do-it-all player, shows negative body language! Injury-prone body creeping in!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Adolf Hitler to massage his thighs. Bus driver's confession: Adolf Hitler raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Jesus Christ can't buy a bucket! Maybe the game would be easier to aim!
This undisputed superstar Mike Tyson stumbles! The fatigue is real after the contest!
Mike Tyson crosses over into a dead end along the baseline! Turnover! Heavy feet!
Adolf Hitler mouths off and picks up a T! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
Spy ninja kyle punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Adolf Hitler slides down the wall to the floor. I got a text from spy ninja kyle after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-128 (L)
Mike Tyson takes the court to immense pressure! The boxer with the hand wraps is here!
Adolf Hitler takes a tough tear drop and it doesn't go! Limited stamina in shot selection!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted driving to the hoop!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ fouls reaching in! Defense that's basically a suggestion on defense!
Adolf Hitler can't hide the frustration! Their service rifle frustration meets the ball frustration!
Both teams head to the locker room. Jesus Christ wipes his forehead with his jersey. Did you know Jesus Christ knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Denver Horse-Track's colors. By accident, obviously. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Jesus Christ gets a clean look but lack of consistency costs the bucket!
Adolf Hitler is running on pure willpower! This guy with rings on every finger refusing to quit!
Turnover by Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl! Challenging the young scholars requires less coordination, clearly!
Jesus Christ glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this messiah!
Jesus Christ refuses to make excuses! A messiah owns the game failures too!
Spy ninja kyle presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Adolf Hitler walks right past without noticing. I learned backstage that Adolf Hitler also does university professor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-131 (L)
Spy ninja kyle shoots into position! This who-is-this-guy player not wasting any time!
Adolf Hitler bricks another one! Building something awful with their service rifle tonight!
Adolf Hitler gets the ball stripped! The front line would have stayed in a soldier's grip!
Spy ninja kyle gets burned on the drive! Limited stamina in lateral movement!
Jesus Christ walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Halftime. Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Rumor has it Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Air ball from Mike Tyson! Being a boxer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This surprise package Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Mike Tyson, this compact dynamo, fumbles the entry pass facing the rim!
Mike Tyson gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Spy ninja kyle crosses over to the tunnel in disappointment. This dark horse will learn from this.
Mike Tyson presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Adolf Hitler walks right past without noticing. Behind the scenes, I learned Adolf Hitler was also a university professor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
80-124 (L)
This living legend Adolf Hitler comes out aggressive! Opens with a reverse layup back to the basket!
Jesus Christ can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Spy ninja kyle throws it into the stands! What was that from this player nobody saw coming!
Adolf Hitler gives up the easy bucket! Easier than defending the front line!
Jesus Christ throws their hands up! Like a messiah when their bare hands breaks!
Halftime. Spy ninja kyle glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Bus driver's confession: spy ninja kyle raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Jesus Christ misses the free throw! Competing the game under pressure is easier!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl grabs the shorts! This surprise package is running on fumes!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl loses the orange in traffic! This potential breakout star can't afford that!
Spy ninja kyle slams the leather in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ leaves the gymnasium with head held high. Fought to the end.
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Adolf Hitler speeds up. Wants it to be over. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-112 (L)
Adolf Hitler steps onto the den! From defending the front line to this, game time!
This hidden prospect spy ninja kyle with a rare miss from mid-range! Even the best stumble!
This who-is-this-guy player spy ninja kyle gets pickpocketed under the basket! Sloppy handling!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl loses the screen battle! Hot head around the picks!
Spy ninja kyle dribbles away from the huddle! This who-is-this-guy player in a dark place mentally!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Adolf Hitler asks for an ice pack. True story: Adolf Hitler walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Boston Ring-Chasers. Awkward. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Adolf Hitler bricks it! Not the same accuracy as defending the front line!
Mike Tyson barely gets back on defense! Moving like a boxer on a Friday afternoon!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Mike Tyson argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to pummelling the heavy bags!
Jesus Christ vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Adolf Hitler scratches the back of his neck nervously. Mike Tyson has the look of someone who has seen things. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-133 (L)
Mike Tyson, this undisputed superstar, embraces the sold-out gym on fire! Game on!
Spy ninja kyle, this surprise package, comes up empty! A pull-up jumper off target at the top of the key!
Sloppy handling by Adolf Hitler! Defending the front line is done with more finesse!
Jesus Christ gets blown by! Even a messiah couldn't stop that!
Adolf Hitler drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a soldier's spirit has limits!
Break! Adolf Hitler takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Adolf Hitler lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
A buzzer beater from Adolf Hitler goes in and out! Heartbreaking from the left corner!
Adolf Hitler leans on their knees! Gassed, but the soldier keeps going!
Mike Tyson throws it out of bounds! Like launching the hand wraps into the void!
Adolf Hitler buries their face! Hidden from view, the soldier can't watch!
Mike Tyson packs up and heads out! Packing the hand wraps, unpacking emotions!
Mike Tyson kicks his towel across the floor. Jesus Christ has already left for the locker room, alone. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-124 (L)
Mike Tyson lands the first half-court heave! First blood! The boxer strikes first!
Mike Tyson can't hit from beyond the arc! That zone is cursed for this boxer!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Jesus Christ fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a messiah chasing the game!
Adolf Hitler slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a soldier hits the workbench!
The players leave the court. Jesus Christ clings to the tunnel railing. Little scoop: Jesus Christ collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Jesus Christ misses during crunch time! A messiah dropping the game at the worst time!
Spy ninja kyle, this diamond in the rough, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Mike Tyson gets picked! A boxer getting the heavy bags stolen in broad daylight!
Mike Tyson, this small but mighty player, throws the hands up! Exasperated along the baseline!
Mike Tyson leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a boxer after the heavy bags setback!
Wilhelm Ludwig Friedrich Riefstahl walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Jesus Christ speeds up. Wants it to be over. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
67 finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... 67!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Jesus Christ. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Mike Tyson. A boxer. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a boxer, with hand wraps, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Mike Tyson has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses heavy bags with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
67 finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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