My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Sauron is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Gandalf. The man is an officer. A freaking officer. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their command saber and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-108 (L)
Gandalf comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the officer means business!
Legolas crosses over the orange into the front rim! That's frustrating for this guy everybody knows!
Frodo Baggins lets fly carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Gandalf beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the field platoon slipping from an officer!
The technical flair of Legolas recalls their archer days. A fadeaway jumper! Sublime!
Heading in. Frodo Baggins's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know Frodo Baggins plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Gandalf dishes the towel! This top-tier talent showing lack of consistency!
Legolas can't convert! The archer's touch with the game deserted them!
Frodo Baggins, this pint-sized baller, exploits the mismatch at the buzzer! Smart play!
Boromir, this legit talent, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Boromir reflects on what could have been. Lack of consistency the difference tonight.
Frodo Baggins sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Boromir has his head in his hands. Evening confession: I'm wearing Frodo Baggins's jersey under my shirt. For morale. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-104 (L)
Legolas takes the court to a cathedral silence! The archer with their bare hands is here!
Frodo Baggins with the contested floater under the basket! No good! Bad selection!
Sauron botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Gandalf bites on the fake! Fooled like an officer by counterfeit the field platoon!
Boromir nails a half-court heave from deep! Range like their bare hands reaching across the workshop!
Break. Legolas asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. True story: Legolas had his parking spot stolen by Miami Heart-Attack's mascot. Still talks about it. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Gandalf, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
This legit talent Boromir shanks a floater facing the rim! That's uncharacteristic!
This max-contract guy Sauron calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Legolas dribbles sluggishly! Lack of consistency catching up with this world-class player!
Gandalf sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an officer after their command saber broke!
Sauron watches the crowd file out in silence. Boromir prefers not to look. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
108-101 (W)
Legolas stretches center court! Loosening up, the archer is getting ready!
Boromir, this guy with a proven track record, absolutely nails a bucket in transition! Take a bow!
Boromir reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
Legolas dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this archer!
Gandalf reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this officer!
Halftime. The doctor examines Legolas's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Intel: Legolas once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Frodo Baggins attacks at the top of the key and finishes with a pull-up jumper! Too good!
The crowd chants Frodo Baggins's name! A roaring arena for the police officer with their bare hands!
Frodo Baggins sets the perfect screen! Built like a police officer who doesn't skip leg day!
From humble the game beginnings, Frodo Baggins rises at the temple of basketball!
Sauron, this smooth operator, takes the final bow! A victory dance! Dominant display!
Gandalf and Frodo Baggins chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. I learned tonight that Gandalf used to be a necromancer. That explains the unique running style. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
119-91 (W)
This up-and-coming baller Boromir means business! Fast start driving to the hoop!
Sauron with another hook shot! You can't stop this man!
Sauron plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this big-name player!
Legolas reads the defense like a book! Assist at the top of the key! That dawg mentality!
Frodo Baggins, this elite player, orchestrates the delay game! Freakish explosiveness in action!
Halftime. The doctor examines Gandalf's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know? Gandalf tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
This reliable star Frodo Baggins does it again! A bank shot with effortless precision!
Boromir soaks in a sold-out gym on fire! This well-respected player living for these moments!
Gandalf, this smooth operator, anchors the second unit! This big-name player versatile contributor!
Tonight, Sauron isn't just a necromancer, they're a phenomenon with their bare hands!
Sauron wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their bare hands and the basketball!
Sauron runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Frodo Baggins follows doing the wave alone. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
103-102 (W)
This bonafide star Gandalf catches the rock early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Boromir drops into help defense! Always there when you need a police officer!
Gandalf, this big-name player, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Frodo Baggins with the step-back scoop layup! Creating space like a police officer with their bare hands!
This guy everybody knows Legolas recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Halftime whistle. Frodo Baggins flops into the first available chair. Rumor has it Frodo Baggins has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Gandalf comes alive in crunch time! The officer instinct kicks in!
Gandalf, this guy everybody knows, bodied up and forced the turnover! Physical defense!
The PA announcer can't pronounce Boromir's their bare hands! Comedy at the court!
Boromir, this combo guard, scores the go-ahead! A hook shot! Heart of a champion!
This bonafide star Legolas seals the deal! Victory with night-in night-out consistency!
Legolas and Frodo Baggins form a tunnel for Gandalf to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. Behind the scenes, I learned Gandalf was also a necromancer in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
103-101 (W)
Boromir steps onto the floor! From competing the game to this, game time!
Boromir wins the rebound battle! Snatched it like a police officer on the clock!
Gandalf bricks another one! Building something awful with their command saber tonight!
Sauron posts up the Spalding beautifully for a step-back three! What touch!
Sauron communicates the switch! Clear as a necromancer's instructions!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Legolas to massage his thighs. Staff confession: Legolas is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Gandalf, this jersey-selling name, keeps the team alive! A bucket in the closing moments!
Frodo Baggins anchors the defense! Solid as a police officer's foundation!
A hostile crowd fills the arena! This certified bucket Gandalf feeds off the energy!
Boromir scores through the foul! Nothing stops a police officer with their bare hands!
It's over! Frodo Baggins delivers the goods! This franchise guy walks off a winner!
Legolas cries tears of joy in Gandalf's arms. Boromir is also crying but nobody knows why. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
112-92 (W)
The hardwood welcomes Boromir! The police officer with the game has arrived!
Sauron just treated the Spalding way they treat the game. A scoop layup, bang!
Gandalf defends the post! Sturdy as an officer braced for impact!
Gandalf serves it on a platter! An officer serving the field platoon with style!
Gandalf rises up to the right spot! An off-the-charts basketball IQ off-ball movement!
Players head to the locker room. Boromir has tape on three fingers. I've been told Boromir always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Gandalf converts at half court! A catch-and-shoot triple with trademark natural-born leadership!
Frodo Baggins, this elusive guard, gets the standing ovation! An electric crowd!
Legolas motivates from the floor! Motivation of an archer who refuses to lose!
Frodo Baggins's arc from the game to a devastating dunk is the stuff of movies!
Boromir high-fives the crowd! Those police officer hands spreading joy!
Frodo Baggins improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Legolas plays the imaginary violin. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
102-122 (L)
Legolas wins the opening tip! Tipping off with archer energy!
Gandalf misfires facing the rim! Their command saber calibration needed!
Turnover by Legolas! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Boromir gets blown by! Even a police officer couldn't stop that!
Legolas, this all-around player, dominates in the paint and puts up a hook shot! Unstoppable!
Halftime! Frodo Baggins looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Did you know Frodo Baggins plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Sauron kicks the air! The frustration of a necromancer who knows they can do better!
Legolas can't buy a bucket! Another miss from the left corner! Frustrating!
Frodo Baggins adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran police officer!
Boromir stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a police officer over the game!
This league veteran Boromir leaves the venue with head held high. Fought to the end.
Boromir claps his hands in frustration. Sauron clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
113-111 (W)
Gandalf, this combo guard, is introduced and the arena explodes! This bonafide star is in the building!
Gandalf with a defensive stop! The reflexes of an officer catching the field platoon!
Frodo Baggins puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Boromir shoots at the buzzer with the same confidence they bring to competing the game.
Legolas makes the hockey pass! Silky smooth technique finding the extra pass!
Break. Sauron collapses next to the vending machine. Juicy anecdote: Sauron was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Frodo Baggins closes it out! Locked it down like a police officer finishing the shift!
This max-contract guy Sauron takes the charge back to the basket! Gutsy play!
The jumbotron shows Frodo Baggins's police officer highlight reel! What a career!
Sauron comes alive in the second quarter! A sky hook along the baseline! Clutch!
Gandalf daps up the opposition! Class act, on and off the court!
Sauron does a handstand. Frodo Baggins holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
98-113 (L)
Frodo Baggins, this miniature missile, takes the court! The sold-out gym on fire is electric!
Frodo Baggins shoots an air ball in a standing ovation! A police officer lost in the noise!
Frodo Baggins charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots when controlling pace!
Sauron gets caught flat-footed! This jersey-selling name beaten to the spot!
Boromir hits from downtown! Precision worthy of their bare hands from the low block!
Halftime! Boromir checks his stats on the board and winces. Exclusive info: Boromir is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Boromir waves off the play! The authority of a police officer in that gesture!
Sauron rushes a floater at the buzzer! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Gandalf reads the defense perfectly! Iron discipline and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Gandalf, this certified bucket, is dragging! The allotted time minutes taking their toll!
Frodo Baggins walks off in defeat! Even a police officer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Boromir shakes Legolas's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
106-113 (L)
This reliable star Sauron gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Air ball from Gandalf! Being an officer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Boromir throws it away! Lack of consistency under pressure facing the rim!
Sauron bites on the pump fake! This reliable star sent flying in the paint!
Gandalf makes it look easy! As easy as an officer leading the field platoon!
Time to breathe. Legolas has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Rumor has it Legolas talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Frodo Baggins stares in disbelief! The look of a police officer who just lost everything!
Gandalf misses the open look! An officer never misses the field platoon... But misses the Spalding!
Sauron counters the press! Problem solved, necromancer style!
Legolas finds a second wind! The archer engine roars back to life!
Legolas, this smooth operator, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
Gandalf taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Frodo Baggins walks through the door without pushing it. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-130 (L)
Boromir pulls up into position! This hooper's hooper not wasting any time!
Gandalf misses during crunch time! An officer dropping the field platoon at the worst time!
Sauron turns it over in the paint! Butterfingers from this necromancer!
This All-Star caliber talent Frodo Baggins can't recover! Scored on at the top of the key! Occasional mental lapses!
Legolas slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an archer hits the workbench!
Halftime. Legolas is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Exclusive info: Legolas is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
That one wasn't even close, Legolas! Stick to competing the game!
Sauron is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure necromancer stubbornness!
Stolen from Gandalf! An officer who let it slip through their fingers!
Legolas, this multi-time All-Star, with the frustrated foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in tough moments!
Frodo Baggins sits alone on the bench. This max-contract guy processing the defeat.
Sauron walks toward the tunnel without a word. Frodo Baggins stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
92-106 (L)
Opening possession for Legolas! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
A step-back three from Boromir hits the iron! Heavy feet under the spotlight!
Gandalf throws it into the stands! What was that from this multi-time All-Star!
This multi-time All-Star Frodo Baggins bites on the fake! Beaten in transition!
Sauron pulls up and drills a bank shot! Can't teach that!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Frodo Baggins walks head down toward the tunnel. Confession: Frodo Baggins believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
This multi-time All-Star Sauron slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Frodo Baggins forces up a sky hook over the defense! Occasional mental lapses! Bad decision!
Boromir, this combo guard, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Frodo Baggins can barely run! The 48 regulation minutes harder than the 48 regulation minutes of competing the game!
Frodo Baggins looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a police officer!
Legolas snaps at the bench on his way out. Sauron says nothing, but his look says everything. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
96-120 (L)
Legolas attacks onto the floor! The crowd roars for this big-name player!
Frodo Baggins can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The Wilson through the hoop, nope!
Frodo Baggins loses the Spalding! A police officer would never be this careless!
Legolas gets posterized! An archer framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Sauron scores at will! A pull-up jumper at the top of the key! This max-contract guy domination!
Coach calls everyone back. Gandalf drags his feet toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Gandalf tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Break's over, the players take their positions.
Frodo Baggins throws their hands up! Like a police officer when their bare hands breaks!
Gandalf launches from deep and misses! An officer's range doesn't apply here!
Legolas creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, archer-level thinking!
Gandalf grabs the shorts! This max-contract guy is running on fumes!
Boromir absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a police officer knows tough days!
Frodo Baggins's complexion is grey. Sauron's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
100-103 (L)
Boromir announces themselves! The police officer has arrived and the building knows it!
Frodo Baggins gets the friendly bounce! Even the basketball respects a police officer!
Legolas gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Brick! Sauron misfires back to the basket! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
Frodo Baggins, this pocket rocket, drills the momentum shot! The building believes!
Cut! Halftime. Boromir's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Staff confession: Boromir is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Frodo Baggins bricks it when it matters! Their bare hands accuracy went home early!
Frodo Baggins pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The police officer in them is showing!
From archer life to dominating the court, Legolas's journey is remarkable!
Boromir forces the hero ball and misses! This seasoned vet with lack of consistency!
Gandalf hangs their head! An officer who gave everything they had!
Gandalf bites the inside of his cheek. Frodo Baggins pinches the bridge of his nose. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
My Team finishes #11 (6W-9L). Better luck next season! MVP: Sauron.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Sauron is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Gandalf. The man is an officer. A freaking officer. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their command saber and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
My Team finishes #11 (6W-9L). Better luck next season! MVP: Sauron.
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