My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Iron Man. The man. The beast. Standing at 6 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Hasbulla. Profession? Internet celebrity. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with their ring light, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the algorithm could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-131 (L)
This total unknown Thanos in the starting lineup! Let's see what this total unknown brings!
Iron Man misses on the decisive possession! A superhero dropping the game at the worst time!
Iron Man loses the Wilson! A superhero would never be this careless!
Hasbulla falls asleep on the weak side! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
This absolute legend Iron Man can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
End of the first half. Hasbulla is beet red but still standing. Rumor has it Hasbulla tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
A pull-up jumper from Thanos goes in and out! Heartbreaking from way beyond the arc!
Iron Man drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Hulk Hogan gets the ball stripped! The mat canvas would have stayed in a wrestler's grip!
IShowSpeed argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to spitting the fiery bars!
Hasbulla vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their ring light reinforced with the algorithm!
Thanos's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Hasbulla hides his eyes under a towel. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
80-124 (L)
IShowSpeed lands the first reverse layup! First blood! The rapper strikes first!
Thanos fires away the damn ball right into the defender's hands! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This absolute legend Iron Man dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This guy everybody knows Hulk Hogan can't recover! Scored on driving to the hoop! Tendency to force bad shots!
Hasbulla throws their hands up! Like an internet celebrity when their ring light breaks!
Break. Hulk Hogan asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Little scoop: Hulk Hogan collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Hulk Hogan with the contested reverse layup from the right corner! No good! Bad selection!
Hasbulla is cramping up! This player making noise trying to shake it off! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Thanos with a wild pass that sails out! This dark horse giving it away!
This guy with rings on every finger IShowSpeed throws an elbow in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
IShowSpeed fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the rapper gave everything!
IShowSpeed watches the crowd file out in silence. Hasbulla prefers not to look. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-129 (L)
IShowSpeed, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! Ridiculous creativity from the jump!
IShowSpeed denied by the basket! Even a rapper can't pry it open!
Iron Man penetrates into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
Thanos, this swiss-army-knife type, gets dunked on driving to the hoop! Poster material!
Hulk Hogan, this big-name player, refuses to high-five! Hot head hurting the chemistry!
Halftime whistle. Iron Man spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Little secret: Iron Man watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
IShowSpeed clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their hot mic hitting the fiery bars!
Iron Man looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a superhero relieved of their bare hands!
Iron Man, this undersized dog, gets stripped facing the rim! Heavy feet exposed!
Hasbulla mutters to himself walking back! This solid pro fighting inner demons!
IShowSpeed sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a rapper after their hot mic broke!
Thanos and Iron Man walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
89-133 (L)
Tip-off! Thanos gets us started! Let's go!
This absolute legend IShowSpeed with a rare miss in the paint! Even the best stumble!
Stolen from Hulk Hogan! A wrestler who let it slip through their fingers!
Hulk Hogan gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the mat canvas on a rough day!
Hulk Hogan walks away muttering! Muttering about the mat canvas under their breath!
Break. Thanos collapses next to the vending machine. Rumor has it Thanos has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Iron Man, this certified GOAT candidate, with a contested free throw that misses from way beyond the arc!
Hulk Hogan takes the rest play! Even a wrestler needs a breather!
Thanos pulls up the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this who-is-this-guy player!
Iron Man mouths off on the decisive possession! A superhero venting about the game!
Iron Man walks off in defeat! Even a superhero's skills couldn't save tonight!
Thanos isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Hulk Hogan tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Tonight I had a revelation: Hulk Hogan runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
87-132 (L)
Hulk Hogan steps onto the arena! From slamming the mat canvas to this, game time!
IShowSpeed shoots but the shot rims out! Occasional mental lapses rears its ugly head!
This guy nobody was talking about Thanos forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Thanos, this tweener, gets exploited in the switch! Heavy feet exposed in the mismatch!
Hasbulla, this next-level player, barks at the teammate! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Cut! Halftime. IShowSpeed's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Physio's confession: IShowSpeed purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
This up-and-coming baller Hasbulla short-arms a finger roll in transition! Not enough lift!
Hasbulla struggles in the first half! The internet celebrity hitting the wall with the algorithm!
Thanos with the backcourt violation! This rising star under too much pressure!
Hulk Hogan, this solid build, pounds the scorer's table! Heavy feet on full display!
This certified GOAT candidate Iron Man shakes hands and moves on. In the end, occasional mental lapses proved costly.
Iron Man sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Thanos puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
81-125 (L)
Thanos, this dude out of nowhere, draws first blood! A layup to start!
Hasbulla misfires! The internet celebrity's precision with the algorithm is nowhere to be found!
Intercepted! Hulk Hogan's pass snatched right out of the air! A wrestler would never be that careless!
Hasbulla gets blown by! Even an internet celebrity couldn't stop that!
Iron Man drops the head after another miss! Tendency to rush sapping the confidence!
Cut! Halftime. Hasbulla's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Anecdote: Hasbulla fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Hulk Hogan can't buy a bucket! Another miss at the buzzer! Frustrating!
IShowSpeed barely gets back on defense! Moving like a rapper on a Friday afternoon!
IShowSpeed gets picked! A rapper getting the fiery bars stolen in broad daylight!
Iron Man sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a superhero after a long shift!
IShowSpeed consoles teammates! The heart of a rapper in that moment!
Iron Man chews his nails on the bench. Hasbulla stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
75-119 (L)
This big-name player Hulk Hogan means business! Fast start from the right corner!
Hulk Hogan misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Hulk Hogan with the careless pass! Slamming the mat canvas with more care, please!
This league veteran Hasbulla caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Hulk Hogan stares in disbelief! The look of a wrestler who just lost everything!
The players head in. IShowSpeed slips on the wet tunnel floor. True story: IShowSpeed had his parking spot stolen by Toronto Border-Patrol's mascot. Still talks about it. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
This headliner Hulk Hogan shanks a layup on the low block! That's uncharacteristic!
Hulk Hogan misses from fatigue! Tired arms from slamming the mat canvas all week!
IShowSpeed with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost rapper!
Hasbulla rises up the towel! This name that's buzzing showing lack of consistency!
IShowSpeed looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a rapper!
Hasbulla snaps at the bench on his way out. Hulk Hogan says nothing, but his look says everything. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
84-128 (L)
Hulk Hogan wins the opening tip! Tipping off with wrestler energy!
Hasbulla, this swiss-army-knife type, can't finish back to the basket! That one stings!
Thanos loses the damn ball in traffic! This hidden prospect can't afford that!
Thanos scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Lack of consistency!
This generational talent IShowSpeed slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
The players head to the locker room. IShowSpeed is sweating like a racehorse. Rumor has it IShowSpeed tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Hasbulla whiffs on the jumper! An internet celebrity off their game with their ring light!
Iron Man, this undersized spark plug, looks exhausted from the right corner! The legs are gone!
IShowSpeed, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted driving to the hoop!
Hasbulla glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this internet celebrity!
IShowSpeed leaves the gym quietly! Quiet as a rapper after the fiery bars setback!
Iron Man's eyes are glassy. Hulk Hogan mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Hulk Hogan. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
73-118 (L)
Hasbulla, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! A standing ovation!
Hulk Hogan misses the bunny! A wrestler dropping the mat canvas from point-blank!
IShowSpeed dribbles it off their foot! Their hot mic would never betray a rapper like that!
Iron Man loses the screen battle! Hot head around the picks!
Hasbulla glares at the scoreboard! This guy with a proven track record not happy with the situation!
The players head in. Iron Man slips on the wet tunnel floor. Little secret: Iron Man listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Hasbulla, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stuffed trying a fadeaway jumper! Denied!
Iron Man is running on fumes! The superhero tank is completely empty!
This dark horse Thanos with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
IShowSpeed, this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated off the pick and roll!
Hasbulla reflects on what could have been. Defense that's basically a suggestion difference tonight.
Hulk Hogan refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Iron Man watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
74-119 (L)
Hulk Hogan, this tweener, is introduced and the arena explodes! This bonafide star is in the building!
Hasbulla fires and misses from under the basket. Should have stuck with the algorithm!
This player on the come-up Hasbulla loses concentration and the basketball with it!
Iron Man caught flat-footed! Standing still, the superhero reflexes took a nap!
Iron Man storms to the bench! This absolute legend is visibly upset!
Back to the locker room. Hulk Hogan punches his locker. Small detail: Hulk Hogan whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Hasbulla crosses over the rock into the front rim! That's frustrating for this next-level player!
Hasbulla is gassed! More tired than after a full day of captivating the algorithm!
Thanos, this all-around player, steps out of bounds with the leather! Mental lapse!
This multi-time All-Star Hulk Hogan stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
IShowSpeed absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a rapper knows tough days!
IShowSpeed unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Hulk Hogan runs a hand down his face. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-131 (L)
Hasbulla gets the starting nod! An internet celebrity starting with their ring light confidence!
Hulk Hogan gets a clean look but lack of consistency costs the bucket!
Hasbulla passes to nobody! This player on the come-up with a head-scratching decision!
This hall-of-fame lock IShowSpeed misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Iron Man vents at their teammates! The superhero who vents about the game!
End of the first act. IShowSpeed is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote: IShowSpeed tried to impress the New York Over-Timers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Hasbulla gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the internet celebrity touch can't save that one!
Hasbulla is running on pure willpower! This player making noise refusing to quit!
This guy everybody knows Hulk Hogan commits the 5-second violation! Clock management injury-prone body!
Iron Man spins away from the huddle! This all-time great in a dark place mentally!
IShowSpeed lets fly past the media. This potential GOAT not in the mood to talk.
Hulk Hogan walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Hasbulla drags one foot after the other. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Hulk Hogan's name. Forgive me. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
81-125 (L)
Hulk Hogan checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Hasbulla with a wild attempt! This legit talent not finding the range tonight!
Iron Man double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Hasbulla overcommits! Going all-in like an internet celebrity on the algorithm, but wrong!
This absolute legend Iron Man shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Rest. Hulk Hogan buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Physio's confession: Hulk Hogan purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
IShowSpeed, this combo guard, can't get a double-clutch layup to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
This certified GOAT candidate IShowSpeed can barely jump! The springs are gone in transition!
Thanos dunks into a dead end from downtown! Turnover! Tendency to rush!
This basketball god IShowSpeed fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to rush showing!
Hasbulla gave it everything! Everything an internet celebrity has, left on the court!
IShowSpeed refuses Cleveland Twin-Towers's handshake. Hasbulla offers a limp one with just his fingertips. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
84-129 (L)
IShowSpeed comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the rapper means business!
IShowSpeed misfires from way beyond the arc! Their hot mic calibration needed!
IShowSpeed dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the rapper's finest moment!
IShowSpeed, this smooth operator, lets the shooter get free facing the rim! Costly lapse!
Hasbulla can't mask the disappointment! This seasoned vet wearing it on the sleeve!
Off to the locker room. Iron Man has already drained two water bottles. Rumor has it Iron Man tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Hulk Hogan launches an alley-oop and... Airball! Hot head at its peak!
Iron Man tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a superhero's energy for the game!
Hasbulla, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Ego the size of Texas in ball-handling!
Iron Man, this lightning-quick little man, shows negative body language! Limited stamina creeping in!
IShowSpeed had the chances but couldn't convert. This franchise cornerstone left wanting.
IShowSpeed sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Iron Man winces. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
86-131 (L)
Hulk Hogan lets fly with energy from the opening whistle! This franchise guy locked in!
Hulk Hogan rushes a buzzer beater in the paint! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Turnover by Iron Man! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Iron Man turns the head and loses the man! This hall-of-fame lock napping defensively!
IShowSpeed gets a technical for complaining! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
First half is done. Hulk Hogan is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: Hulk Hogan blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Iron Man fires a brick off the pick and roll! Way off, even for a superhero!
Thanos, this total unknown, is dragging! The four quarters minutes taking their toll!
Hasbulla forces the pass! Forcing their ring light where it doesn't fit!
Thanos slams the rock in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Iron Man tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Thanos refuses San Antonio Skyscrapers's handshake. Iron Man offers a limp one with just his fingertips. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
78-122 (L)
This basketball god Iron Man catches the basketball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
IShowSpeed goes 0 for the quarter! A rapper having a rough shift with their hot mic!
Hasbulla throws it away! Limited stamina under pressure back to the basket!
Hulk Hogan loses their assignment! Like losing the rosin bag in the workshop!
Hulk Hogan waves off the play! The authority of a wrestler in that gesture!
Break! Iron Man takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Small detail: Iron Man wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
A thunderous slam attempt by Thanos falls short! Lack of consistency in the legs!
Iron Man can barely run! This ball game harder than this ball game of competing the game!
Hulk Hogan commits the live-ball turnover! The rosin bag would be ashamed!
Hulk Hogan, this do-it-all player, waves off the play call! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the team!
This multi-time All-Star Hulk Hogan stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this multi-time All-Star wanted.
IShowSpeed avoids the cameras like the plague. Hasbulla gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Did you know that Hasbulla practices superhero on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Iron Man.
Season journal
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