My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | My Team | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Shaquille O'Neal! Picture this: standing at 216 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Captain America. The man is a military personnel. Yes, you heard that right. A military personnel. On a basketball court. With their service rifle in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Captain America had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
99-112 (L)
LeBron James, this all-time great, embraces the boiling cauldron! Game on!
Sandman can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a superhero always hits!
LeBron James dribbles the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this household name!
Captain America gets screened out! Stuck behind their service rifle like it's a wall!
LeBron James scores with an unmatched feel for the game. A reverse layup back to the basket! Too smooth!
Halftime! Magic Johnson checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Magic Johnson is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Magic Johnson slams the pill in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Shaquille O'Neal fires a pull-up jumper on the low block but can't connect! Injury-prone body showing!
LeBron James, this basketball god, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Magic Johnson, this mammoth, with tired legs from the left corner! Lack of consistency slowing this once-in-a-lifetime player down!
LeBron James reflects on what could have been. Lack of consistency the difference tonight.
LeBron James sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Magic Johnson has his head in his hands. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
125-93 (W)
Magic Johnson looks dialed in from the start! Iron discipline preparation showing!
Shaquille O'Neal with another pull-up jumper! You can't stop this man!
LeBron James with the suffocating defense! This certified GOAT candidate is a wall out there!
This absolute legend Magic Johnson connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for an alley-oop!
This well-respected player Sandman recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Players head to the locker room. Captain America has tape on three fingers. Small detail: Captain America wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Magic Johnson buries a two-handed slam at the buzzer! This generational talent is on fire tonight!
Magic Johnson, this giant, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this living legend!
This franchise cornerstone Magic Johnson flips the script! From struggle to dominance!
LeBron James pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This basketball god savors the win!
Shaquille O'Neal runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
118-81 (W)
Sandman begins their shift on the gym! A superhero starting the their bare hands shift!
Magic Johnson goes coast to coast for a euro-step! This all-time great is relentless!
Sandman drops the dime! A superhero with court vision like that? Unreal!
LeBron James drives and scores! A buzzer beater! This colossus is a problem!
LeBron James strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
Into the tunnel. LeBron James grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Little secret: LeBron James has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James does it again! A step-back three with effortless precision!
Magic Johnson, this 7-footer, caps off a dominant performance! Unreal swagger from start to finish!
LeBron James shoots the free throw on the wrong basket! Somebody say something!
Sandman gestures with invisible their bare hands! The signature superhero celebration!
Shaquille O'Neal crosses over the trophy! This once-in-a-lifetime player adds to the collection! A slide across the hardwood!
Shaquille O'Neal gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Captain America gives his shoes. LeBron James gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
102-88 (W)
Tip-off! Shaquille O'Neal gets us started! Let's go!
Sandman scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a superhero!
This household name Magic Johnson with the weak-side iron-wall defense! Incredible help!
Magic Johnson attacks and dishes! Gorgeous feed in transition! A killer instinct!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal uses the floater over this 7-footer coverage! Smart!
Halftime whistle. Shaquille O'Neal has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Word is Shaquille O'Neal sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Shaquille O'Neal with the crafty and-one! An unmatched feel for the game on display!
This household name Magic Johnson turns the hostile crowd into stunned silence!
Shaquille O'Neal makes the extra pass! This guy with rings on every finger hockey assist for a buzzer-beater!
Sandman's journey from the game to a pull-up jumper inspires a hostile crowd!
Captain America, this world-class player, soaks in the moment! Victory at the top of the key! A team high-five!
Magic Johnson does a belly slide on the court. Sandman does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Sandman. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
124-78 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Shaquille O'Neal, this certified GOAT candidate, unleashes a sky hook from way beyond the arc! Bang!
Captain America picks apart the defense! Dissecting every move with military personnel precision!
Sandman cuts and scores! Sharp as their bare hands, this superhero!
Sandman with the chase-down charge taken! What athleticism!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Fun fact: LeBron James is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
A buzzer-beater from Sandman! This legit talent reminding everyone why they're on top!
Shaquille O'Neal explodes to yet another easy bucket! The floodgates opened!
Captain America high-fives nobody! This established star left hanging at the buzzer! Brutal!
Captain America pumps their fist! The fist that grips their service rifle all day!
This basketball god Shaquille O'Neal walks off to a standing ovation! Wild stands! Incredible!
Sandman does the floss while Magic Johnson spins like a top. Shaquille O'Neal just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
121-76 (W)
LeBron James fires away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this basketball god!
Captain America sinks it driving to the hoop. A military personnel never misses the frontline, and never misses the hoop!
Sandman with the touch pass! This league veteran barely had the ball and found the man!
Shaquille O'Neal, this once-in-a-lifetime player, operates facing the rim with a hook shot! Clinic!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, clamps down in the clutch! Elite a monster swat!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Sandman to massage his thighs. Anecdote: Sandman once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Captain America with the step-back devastating dunk! Creating space like a military personnel with their service rifle!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, still going full throttle! No mercy tonight!
Captain America just tried to use their service rifle on the pill! Wrong equipment, right energy!
Sandman points to the sky after a devastating dunk! This dude putting the league on notice in the zone!
This solid pro Sandman seals the deal! Victory with ridiculous creativity!
Shaquille O'Neal makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. LeBron James makes the 'call us' gesture. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
125-86 (W)
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal means business! Fast start from mid-range!
Captain America pulls off an and-one out of nowhere! Was that basketball or military personnel magic? Unbelievable!
LeBron James, this living legend, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! Insane court vision!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, with a silky and-one driving to the hoop! Smooth operator!
LeBron James a surgical steal with authority! This tree of a man protecting the paint!
Break! Magic Johnson rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Word is Magic Johnson sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Sandman hits a bucket! Natural-born leadership proving to be the difference tonight!
This respected competitor Sandman finishes with a statement game! Night-in night-out consistency throughout!
LeBron James trips over the damn ball! Even this first-ballot legend has those moments!
Shaquille O'Neal with the salute to the fans after the and-one! This global icon is fired up!
Sandman finishes with a monster stat line! Numbers a superhero would be proud of!
Captain America moonwalks across the hardwood. Magic Johnson attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
130-85 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal, this oversized freak, takes the court! The palpable tension is electric!
Shaquille O'Neal dishes past everyone for a fadeaway jumper! This 7-footer on a mission!
This seasoned vet Sandman with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, threads the needle for a half-court heave at half court!
Magic Johnson, this absolute unit, walls off the drive at half court! No way through!
Halftime! Magic Johnson looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Word is Magic Johnson sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Captain America treats the damn ball like the frontline and sinks it. Easy as pie for a military personnel!
Shaquille O'Neal, this guy with rings on every finger, waves to the crowd early! The outcome settled!
Shaquille O'Neal asks the scorer's table for the score! This guy with rings on every finger forgot!
LeBron James high-fives everyone on the bench! A raised fist! The energy is contagious!
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Shaquille O'Neal mimes popping a champagne bottle. LeBron James mimes chugging straight from it. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
119-79 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal dishes into position! This hall-of-fame lock not wasting any time!
Sandman answers back with a pull-up jumper! Iron discipline under pressure!
Sandman with the hockey assist! Setting up the play like a true superhero!
Magic Johnson dribbles the Spalding with purpose! A half-court heave! This franchise cornerstone means business!
Shaquille O'Neal with the huge rebound in traffic in the paint! This household name says no!
That's a cut. Sandman stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know Sandman entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Magic Johnson shoots and converts! A bucket on the low block! Money!
Sandman turns it into a clinic! Schooling everybody out there!
LeBron James crosses over the wrong way on offense! This all-time great needs a GPS!
Captain America, this bonafide star, with the signature team high-five! The fans love it!
That's the game! Magic Johnson finishes with a monster performance! This undisputed superstar victorious!
Captain America does a belly slide on the court. Magic Johnson does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
122-92 (W)
This potential GOAT LeBron James comes out aggressive! Opens with a hook shot from way beyond the arc!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James goes to work at half court! A buzzer-beater drops beautifully!
Shaquille O'Neal, this long boy, smothers the ball-handler! No options!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, finds the trailer! A double-clutch layup off the assist, easy money!
This absolute legend LeBron James attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
End of the first act. LeBron James is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? LeBron James tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
This living legend Magic Johnson punishes the defense with a scoop layup back to the basket!
The crowd is on its feet! A crowd fully behind them as LeBron James takes the court!
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, rotates on defense! Scary good handles team commitment!
Sandman's transformation from superhero to athlete is this conference classic's best story!
Magic Johnson, this colossus, acknowledges the fans! A standing ovation! A raised fist!
Sandman throws chalk powder like LeBron. Shaquille O'Neal coughs for two minutes straight. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
127-84 (W)
Magic Johnson, this undisputed superstar, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Sandman with a half-court heave off the pick! Using screens better than most pros!
This undisputed superstar Shaquille O'Neal with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Shaquille O'Neal pulls up and drills an alley-oop! Can't teach that!
Magic Johnson draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
Halftime. The doctor examines Captain America's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Fun fact: Captain America blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Captain America with an incredible double-clutch layup back to the basket! Standing ovation!
This top-tier talent Captain America shows no sympathy! A bank shot extends the massacre!
Sandman treated the water break like the game maintenance break! Efficient!
Sandman blows past and celebrates! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench driving to the hoop! The crowd erupts!
Captain America seals the win! Sealed tight, the military personnel gets it done!
Sandman and Shaquille O'Neal pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Shaquille O'Neal. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
113-96 (W)
Sandman steps onto the gymnasium! From competing the game to this, game time!
Magic Johnson scores at will! An alley-oop in transition! This certified GOAT candidate domination!
Shaquille O'Neal rotates perfectly for the left-handed block! Unreal swagger on full display!
Shaquille O'Neal, this oversized freak, hits the cutter perfectly! That dawg mentality right on time!
Captain America goes to the post! That military personnel strength is showing!
Break! Captain America heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Locker room anecdote: Captain America talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Captain America, this versatile guy, muscles in for a reverse layup! Pure power!
Captain America tips their arm sleeve to the crowd! The military personnel gesture with their service rifle!
Sandman communicates on the switch! Clear as a superhero's directions!
Sandman walks onto the den with their bare hands swagger and the pill confidence!
Captain America is named player of the game! The military personnel is also the star!
Magic Johnson jumps into Captain America's arms without warning. They both go down. Did you know that Captain America practices military personnel on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
88-104 (L)
Magic Johnson, this certified GOAT candidate, draws first blood! A catch-and-shoot triple to start!
Magic Johnson, this absolute unit, can't finish back to the basket! That one stings!
Sandman with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, lets the shooter get free on the low block! Costly lapse!
Sandman, this solid build, takes over from the left corner. An off-balance shot! That's elite!
Halftime! LeBron James is limping slightly heading off the court. Word is LeBron James sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
This household name Shaquille O'Neal slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Shaquille O'Neal, this titan, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Magic Johnson, this tower, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! That dawg mentality!
Shaquille O'Neal, this undisputed superstar, sucking wind after that sprint! The 48 regulation minutes of battle!
This elite player Captain America tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Shaquille O'Neal's eyes are glassy. Magic Johnson mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I got a text from Shaquille O'Neal after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
97-102 (L)
Game time! Magic Johnson and this franchise cornerstone ready to put on a show at the court!
Sandman with a wild attempt! This dude putting the league on notice not finding the range tonight!
Captain America loses the leather! A military personnel would never be this careless!
Shaquille O'Neal, this 7-footer, gets blown by on the perimeter! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Captain America with a hook shot to seal the deal! A military personnel who always closes!
Break. LeBron James's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know LeBron James knits to unwind? Made a scarf in San Antonio Skyscrapers's colors. By accident, obviously. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
LeBron James mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
This up-and-coming baller Sandman short-arms a free throw on the low block! Not enough lift!
LeBron James reads the defense perfectly! Silky smooth technique and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Captain America is cramping up! This established star trying to shake it off! Tendency to force bad shots!
Shaquille O'Neal walks off in silence. This global icon gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Magic Johnson turns back to look at the court one last time. Captain America doesn't turn around. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
125-96 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal drives with energy from the opening whistle! This first-ballot legend locked in!
LeBron James fires away the ball with night-in night-out consistency. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal with the no-foul contest driving to the hoop! Clean as a whistle!
LeBron James whips the pass cross-court! Assist! This tower seeing everything!
Shaquille O'Neal spins with purpose every possession! This undisputed superstar chess master!
Halftime! Captain America looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Staff confession: Captain America is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Captain America crosses over with the precision of a military personnel at work. And it's a pull-up jumper!
Shaquille O'Neal in a boiling cauldron! This absolute legend has been waiting for this stage!
LeBron James sprints back on defense! This guy with rings on every finger leading by example!
The duality of Sandman: superhero precision meets the Spalding artistry!
Sandman hugs the coach! The warmth of a superhero who just nailed it!
Shaquille O'Neal cries tears of joy in LeBron James's arms. Captain America is also crying but nobody knows why. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
My Team finishes #3, a fantastic season! 12W-3L. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season journal
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