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Season Journal

Standings

#TeamWLPts
1Boston Ring-Chasers13226
2San Antonio Skyscrapers13226
3Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest11422
4Detroit Engine-Roar11422
5Cleveland Twin-Towers11422
6New York Over-Timers10520
7Denver Horse-Track10520
8Houston Blast-Off9618
9Minnesota Ice-Wall7814
10Philadelphia Injury-Report6912
11Toronto Border-Patrol6912
12Los Angeles Nursing-Home3126
13Orlando Magic-Beans3126
14Phoenix No-Defense3126
15My Team3126
16Miami Heart-Attack1142

Pre-season

Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. David Hilbert. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited David Hilbert. A university professor. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a university professor, with their lecture notes, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that David Hilbert has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the young scholars with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.

Matchday 1vs Detroit Engine-Roar

80-124 (L)

Opening possession for David Hilbert! First touch, like first touch of their lecture notes!

David Hilbert, this solid build, gets the look but can't convert back to the basket!

David Hilbert throws it away! Sometimes predictable game under pressure at the buzzer!

David Hilbert left in the dust! Even a university professor moves faster than that!

David Hilbert, this potential GOAT, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!

Cut! Halftime. David Hilbert's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Locker room intel: David Hilbert has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

David Hilbert misses at the buzzer! A university professor who missed the deadline!

This living legend David Hilbert can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!

David Hilbert, this solid build, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!

David Hilbert is visibly upset! Upset as a university professor when the young scholars goes sideways!

David Hilbert leaves the gym quietly! Quiet as a university professor after the young scholars setback!

David Hilbert bites the inside of his cheek. David Hilbert pinches the bridge of his nose. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 2vs Miami Heart-Attack

108-98 (W)

David Hilbert, this potential GOAT, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!

David Hilbert, this generational talent, absolutely nails a scoop layup driving to the hoop! Take a bow!

David Hilbert hounds the ball handler! Tenacious as a university professor with their lecture notes!

David Hilbert crosses over and dishes! Gorgeous feed from mid-range! Night-in night-out consistency!

David Hilbert draws the double team! Attracting attention, the university professor is a magnet out there!

The locker room fills up. David Hilbert has already eaten three oranges. Locker room intel: David Hilbert has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Break's over, the players take their positions.

David Hilbert scores off the inbound! That's the preparation of a university professor right there!

David Hilbert penetrates in front of the home faithful! A packed arena! Beautiful!

This potential GOAT David Hilbert tips it to the teammate! A gym-rat work ethic on full display!

David Hilbert treats every possession like challenging the young scholars, with care and precision!

David Hilbert wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their lecture notes and the pill!

David Hilbert jumps into David Hilbert's arms without warning. They both go down. Behind the scenes, I learned David Hilbert was also a university professor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 3vs Orlando Magic-Beans

106-88 (W)

David Hilbert gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a university professor on day one!

David Hilbert tallies another one! This university professor keeps racking them up!

David Hilbert with the rejection! Get that out of here! University professor says no!

This basketball god David Hilbert finds the open man! Assist and a reverse layup!

David Hilbert goes small-ball! Adapting like a university professor who reads the room!

Into the tunnel. David Hilbert grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Juicy intel: David Hilbert turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

David Hilbert adds to the total! A university professor who always exceeds expectations!

The entire arena rises for David Hilbert! A university professor lifted by their lecture notes and love!

David Hilbert puts ego aside! The team comes first for this first-ballot legend!

The evolution of David Hilbert: challenging the young scholars taught patience. The palace of hoops taught glory!

David Hilbert shares the credit! Team player on and off the court!

David Hilbert grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts David Hilbert's name. The announcer chases him. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 4vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

92-108 (L)

David Hilbert takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!

David Hilbert misfires from way beyond the arc! Even this hall-of-fame lock has off nights!

David Hilbert throws it out of bounds! Like launching their lecture notes into the void!

David Hilbert gets posted up and scored on! This once-in-a-lifetime player overpowered!

David Hilbert handles the basketball like their lecture notes. A floater along the baseline! The precision of a university professor!

Intermission. David Hilbert dumps an entire water bottle over his head. I've been told David Hilbert once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.

David Hilbert, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!

David Hilbert, this generational talent, comes up empty! A sky hook off target driving to the hoop!

This household name David Hilbert recognizes the over-help and punishes it!

David Hilbert is running on fumes! The university professor tank is completely empty!

David Hilbert, this undisputed superstar, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.

David Hilbert whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. David Hilbert nods without conviction. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 5vs Phoenix No-Defense

91-124 (L)

David Hilbert, this first-ballot legend, draws first blood! A euro-step to start!

David Hilbert misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their lecture notes at the young scholars!

David Hilbert throws it away! A pass worse than a university professor tossing the young scholars!

David Hilbert watches them score! Just watching, like watching their lecture notes gather dust!

David Hilbert picks up the second technical! This guy with rings on every finger ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!

That's a wrap for now. David Hilbert dives into the tunnel. Fun fact: David Hilbert tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.

A free throw from David Hilbert sails wide! This absolute legend needs to regroup!

David Hilbert calls for the sub! Even a university professor's stamina with their lecture notes has limits!

David Hilbert spins the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this global icon!

David Hilbert shoots and kicks the stanchion! This household name losing composure!

David Hilbert hangs their head! A university professor who gave everything they had!

David Hilbert turns back to look at the court one last time. David Hilbert doesn't turn around. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 6vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

90-120 (L)

David Hilbert starts in the rebounder! Playing the rebounder way a university professor plays with their lecture notes!

David Hilbert fires a brick from the left corner! Way off, even for a university professor!

David Hilbert tries to be too fancy and loses the damn ball! Heavy feet in the decision-making!

This generational talent David Hilbert fouls reaching in! Defense that's basically a suggestion on defense!

David Hilbert nails a deep three at late in the quarter! A university professor who delivers when it matters!

The players leave the court. David Hilbert clings to the tunnel railing. Bus driver's confession: David Hilbert raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

David Hilbert, this hall-of-fame lock, refuses to high-five! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the chemistry!

David Hilbert misfires from mid-range! Their lecture notes calibration needed!

David Hilbert slows the pace when the team needs it! This hall-of-fame lock tempo control!

David Hilbert is cramping up! This first-ballot legend trying to shake it off! Hot head!

David Hilbert walks off in silence. This all-time great gave it all but it wasn't enough.

David Hilbert and David Hilbert walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Behind the scenes, I learned David Hilbert was also a university professor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 7vs Toronto Border-Patrol

111-103 (W)

David Hilbert locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a university professor who means business!

David Hilbert blows past through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!

David Hilbert, this do-it-all player, with the clutch surgical steal! The crowd is on its feet!

David Hilbert dishes through traffic! Threading the needle like a pro!

David Hilbert uses a triangle offense to get open! Open space created with their lecture notes smarts!

Back in the locker room, David Hilbert sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: David Hilbert once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

David Hilbert, this swiss-army-knife type, uses every inch to deliver a double-clutch layup!

David Hilbert gets an incredible energy every time they step on the temple of basketball! The university professor aura!

David Hilbert celebrates the teammate's bucket! Joy of a university professor seeing the young scholars succeed!

David Hilbert, this combo guard, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this living legend right now!

David Hilbert shakes hands! The handshake of a university professor who respects the young scholars!

David Hilbert does a backflip. Well, he tries. David Hilbert applauds the effort. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 8vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

94-131 (L)

David Hilbert checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!

This basketball god David Hilbert throws up a prayer from the right corner! Not answered!

David Hilbert passes to nobody! This absolute legend with a head-scratching decision!

David Hilbert overcommits! Going all-in like a university professor on the young scholars, but wrong!

David Hilbert, this smooth operator, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!

Finally a breather. David Hilbert has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Confession: David Hilbert calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.

David Hilbert shoots an air ball in wild stands! A university professor lost in the noise!

David Hilbert is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the university professor is spent!

David Hilbert with the careless pass! Challenging the young scholars with more care, please!

David Hilbert, this once-in-a-lifetime player, yells at the coaching staff! Sometimes predictable game causing friction!

David Hilbert absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a university professor knows tough days!

David Hilbert avoids the cameras like the plague. David Hilbert gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 9vs Houston Blast-Off

104-117 (L)

David Hilbert bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!

David Hilbert takes a tough pull-up jumper and it doesn't go! Ego the size of Texas in shot selection!

David Hilbert dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the university professor's finest moment!

David Hilbert, this solid build, fouls unnecessarily from mid-range! Sometimes predictable game!

David Hilbert, this versatile guy, uses strength and skill for a finger roll! Complete player!

Halftime whistle! David Hilbert slides down against the hallway wall. The staff told me David Hilbert sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.

David Hilbert lets fly away from the huddle! This household name in a dark place mentally!

David Hilbert, this undisputed superstar, pulls the trigger off the pick and roll but no luck!

This all-time great David Hilbert uses the floater over this solid build coverage! Smart!

This guy with rings on every finger David Hilbert signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Heavy feet!

David Hilbert tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we challenges better, like the young scholars!'

David Hilbert looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. David Hilbert looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 10vs Denver Horse-Track

78-113 (L)

David Hilbert announces themselves! The university professor has arrived and the building knows it!

Brick! David Hilbert misfires at the top of the key! Injury-prone body at the worst time!

This certified GOAT candidate David Hilbert with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!

David Hilbert gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the young scholars on a rough day!

This global icon David Hilbert slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!

Halftime! David Hilbert looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Anecdote: David Hilbert once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

David Hilbert, this smooth operator, loses the handle and the opportunity! Lack of consistency!

David Hilbert is running on pure willpower! This basketball god refusing to quit!

This generational talent David Hilbert loses concentration and the basketball with it!

David Hilbert sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a university professor after a long shift!

David Hilbert walks off in defeat! Even a university professor's skills couldn't save tonight!

David Hilbert shakes David Hilbert's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 11vs New York Over-Timers

89-134 (L)

David Hilbert lets fly onto the floor! The crowd roars for this guy with rings on every finger!

David Hilbert short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their lecture notes!

David Hilbert trips up in the center circle! A university professor never trips at work... Right?

This potential GOAT David Hilbert misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!

David Hilbert throws their hands up! Like a university professor when their lecture notes breaks!

Halftime! David Hilbert is limping slightly heading off the court. Small detail: David Hilbert whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

This franchise cornerstone David Hilbert rattles it out! So close yet so far under the basket!

David Hilbert leans on their knees! Gassed, but the university professor keeps going!

David Hilbert loses the ball! A university professor would never be this careless!

This certified GOAT candidate David Hilbert shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!

David Hilbert sits alone on the bench. This absolute legend processing the defeat.

David Hilbert closes his eyes walking out. David Hilbert keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 12vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

93-115 (L)

David Hilbert, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! An off-the-charts basketball IQ from the jump!

David Hilbert misfires on the floater! Too much float, the university professor touch abandoned them!

David Hilbert with the errant pass! This living legend needs to settle down!

This undisputed superstar David Hilbert commits the and-one foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in positioning!

David Hilbert with a finger-roll off-balance shot! Dexterity you only get from years as a university professor!

Halftime whistle! David Hilbert slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: David Hilbert once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

David Hilbert penetrates the towel! This undisputed superstar showing occasional mental lapses!

David Hilbert launches a hook shot and... Airball! Tendency to force bad shots at its peak!

David Hilbert counters the press! Problem solved, university professor style!

David Hilbert can barely run! This ball game harder than this ball game of challenging the young scholars!

This franchise cornerstone David Hilbert stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this franchise cornerstone wanted.

David Hilbert mutters while walking out. David Hilbert watches from the corner of his eye, worried. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 13vs Boston Ring-Chasers

86-131 (L)

David Hilbert gets the starting nod! A university professor starting with their lecture notes confidence!

David Hilbert, this all-time great, fumbles the finish under the basket! Back to the drawing board!

David Hilbert, this tweener, gets the ball poked away! Limited stamina when protecting the leather!

David Hilbert gambles for the steal and pays the price! Occasional mental lapses!

David Hilbert drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a university professor's spirit has limits!

Break! David Hilbert rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. I've been told David Hilbert once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

A thunderous slam from David Hilbert catches the back rim and pops out! So close!

David Hilbert waves for a timeout! The university professor needs the young scholars break!

David Hilbert coughs it up! A university professor's grip doesn't work on the ball!

David Hilbert attacks angrily after the turnover! This all-time great spiraling!

David Hilbert steps back to the tunnel in disappointment. This generational talent will learn from this.

David Hilbert's gaze is cold, distant. David Hilbert's gaze is hot, angry. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'

Matchday 14vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

79-118 (L)

David Hilbert stretches center court! Loosening up, the university professor is getting ready!

David Hilbert sends it wide! Their lecture notes wouldn't forgive that either!

This potential GOAT David Hilbert forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!

David Hilbert gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a university professor's worst day on the job!

This potential GOAT David Hilbert hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from downtown!

The locker room. David Hilbert sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know? David Hilbert launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

David Hilbert, this living legend, with a contested scoop layup that misses from the right corner!

David Hilbert drags their feet! Heavy as their lecture notes at the end of a shift!

David Hilbert turns it over at late in the quarter! A university professor dropping their lecture notes at the worst time!

David Hilbert slams the rock in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!

David Hilbert fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the university professor gave everything!

David Hilbert closes his eyes walking out. David Hilbert keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 15vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

83-128 (L)

David Hilbert lands the first bucket! First blood! The university professor strikes first!

An off-balance shot from David Hilbert hits the iron! Ego the size of Texas under the spotlight!

This guy with rings on every finger David Hilbert dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!

David Hilbert gives up the easy bucket! Easier than challenging the young scholars!

David Hilbert walks away muttering! Muttering about the young scholars under their breath!

The locker room. David Hilbert sprawls out full-length on the bench. Fun fact: David Hilbert blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

David Hilbert misses the open look! A university professor never misses the young scholars... But misses the orange!

David Hilbert, this certified GOAT candidate, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!

David Hilbert with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the young scholars!

David Hilbert, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Lack of consistency creeping in!

David Hilbert, this solid build, hangs the head. Tough loss despite natural-born leadership effort.

David Hilbert rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. David Hilbert picks up his own and folds it carefully. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

My Team finishes #15 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: David Hilbert.

🏀
#15
Rank
3W-12L
Record
-368
+/-
278
Team Score
2.5M$
Salary
David Hilbert
MVP

Season Journal

Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby!

Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. David Hilbert. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.

The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.

And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited David Hilbert. A university professor. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a university professor, with their lecture notes, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that David Hilbert has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the young scholars with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.

Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.

🏆

My Team finishes #15 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: David Hilbert.

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