My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Jack Black. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Jack Black is on this team. Jack Black, who is a film producer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their loaded checkbook under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-123 (L)
Jack Black gets the starting nod! A film producer starting with their loaded checkbook confidence!
Peter Parker, this solid build, loses the handle and the opportunity! Injury-prone body!
Dr. Seuss, this swiss-army-knife type, steps out of bounds with the leather! Mental lapse!
Jack Black, this versatile guy, can't keep up with the speed! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Lionel Messi argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to scoring the winning goal!
Back to the locker room. Jack Black punches his locker. I've been told Jack Black once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Brick! Jack Black misfires off the pick and roll! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
Jack Black gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a film producer begging the risky picture for mercy!
Jack Black turns it over at after a timeout! A film producer dropping their loaded checkbook at the worst time!
This well-respected player Peter Parker fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Peter Parker dribbles past the media. This up-and-coming baller not in the mood to talk.
Peter Parker unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Jack Black runs a hand down his face. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
78-123 (L)
Lionel Messi stretches center court! Loosening up, the association football player is getting ready!
Eminem, this all-around player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Hot head!
Eminem loses the Spalding! A rapper would never be this careless!
Lionel Messi overcommits! Going all-in like an association football player on the winning goal, but wrong!
Peter Parker shoots and kicks the stanchion! This legit talent losing composure!
The players head in. Eminem slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know? Eminem once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Lionel Messi launches a deep three and... Airball! Defense that's basically a suggestion at its peak!
Peter Parker, this versatile guy, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This well-respected player Peter Parker gets pickpocketed in transition! Sloppy handling!
Peter Parker, this up-and-coming baller, barks at the teammate! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Lionel Messi tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we scores better, like the winning goal!'
Lionel Messi unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Eminem runs a hand down his face. I learned backstage that Eminem also does film producer on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
80-125 (L)
Peter Parker, this guy with a proven track record, embraces the Playoff atmosphere! Game on!
Lionel Messi gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the association football player touch can't save that one!
Peter Parker, this tweener, gets the ball poked away! Injury-prone body when protecting the basketball!
Eminem reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to rush on the help side!
Lionel Messi drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an association football player's spirit has limits!
Coach calls everyone back. Lionel Messi drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Lionel Messi tried to impress the Orlando Magic-Beans players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Eminem with the ugly miss! The rapper touch is absent tonight!
Eminem struggles in the second quarter! The rapper hitting the wall with the fiery bars!
Dr. Seuss loses the damn ball in traffic! This big-name player can't afford that!
Peter Parker storms to the bench! This hooper's hooper is visibly upset!
Jack Black walks off in defeat! Even a film producer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Dr. Seuss bites the inside of his cheek. Peter Parker pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight I had a revelation: Peter Parker runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
74-118 (L)
Peter Parker spins into position! This guy with a proven track record not wasting any time!
Jack Black fires away but overcooks it! Occasional mental lapses showing up again!
Stolen from Eminem! A rapper who let it slip through their fingers!
Peter Parker gets screened out of the play! This solid pro lost in traffic!
Lionel Messi kicks the air! The frustration of an association football player who knows they can do better!
Halftime whistle. Eminem high-fives his teammates on the way out. Did you know? Eminem has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Peter Parker attacks the ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this established player!
Dr. Seuss penetrates sluggishly! Hot head catching up with this jersey-selling name!
Dr. Seuss throws it away! A pass worse than a screenwriter tossing the killer dialogue!
This living legend Eminem stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Lionel Messi packs up and heads out! Packing their football boots, unpacking emotions!
Peter Parker stares at the floor while Jack Black mutters something inaudible under his breath. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
76-120 (L)
This headliner Dr. Seuss comes out aggressive! Opens with a double-clutch layup at half court!
Peter Parker, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the look but can't convert facing the rim!
Eminem with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the fiery bars!
Lionel Messi gets crossed over! This absolute legend left frozen facing the rim!
Dr. Seuss slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a screenwriter hits the workbench!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Eminem walks head down toward the tunnel. They say Eminem eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Eminem misses! Even a rapper can't fix that shot!
Dr. Seuss misses from fatigue! This elite player can't get the elevation facing the rim!
Jack Black, this tweener, commits the travel! Tendency to rush in the footwork!
Dr. Seuss shakes their head! A screenwriter who can't believe that just happened!
Jack Black refuses to make excuses! A film producer owns the risky picture failures too!
Jack Black mutters 'damn' under his breath. Eminem says 'yeah' in the same tone. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
76-121 (L)
This legit talent Peter Parker gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Lionel Messi sends it wide! Their football boots wouldn't forgive that either!
Eminem trips up in the perimeter! A rapper never trips at work... Right?
Lionel Messi gets posterized! An association football player framed by their football boots in the worst way!
This bonafide star Dr. Seuss gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Break! Eminem rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Intel: Eminem refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Dr. Seuss can't buy a bucket! Another miss at the buzzer! Frustrating!
Lionel Messi is gassed! More tired than after a full day of scoring the winning goal!
This up-and-coming baller Peter Parker commits the offensive foul! Turnover in transition!
This certified GOAT candidate Jack Black can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Lionel Messi hangs their head! An association football player who gave everything they had!
Peter Parker mutters 'damn' under his breath. Dr. Seuss says 'yeah' in the same tone. Tonight I learned Peter Parker used to be a film producer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-134 (L)
Peter Parker looks dialed in from the start! A gym-rat work ethic preparation showing!
This name that's buzzing Peter Parker misses the mark! A fadeaway jumper goes begging from downtown!
This solid pro Peter Parker dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Peter Parker lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this legit talent fooled!
Lionel Messi, this pocket rocket, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Break! Dr. Seuss takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Dr. Seuss tried to impress the Toronto Border-Patrol players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Jack Black bobbles and misses! Fumbling the orange like it's a Monday morning!
This elite player Dr. Seuss is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
Jack Black tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Lack of consistency in the decision-making!
Lionel Messi sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like an association football player after a long shift!
Eminem fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the rapper gave everything!
Peter Parker's eyes are glassy. Eminem mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
87-131 (L)
Dr. Seuss huddles with the team! Huddling up, the screenwriter strategizes!
Jack Black fires a devastating dunk in the paint but can't connect! Injury-prone body showing!
Eminem with the careless pass! Spitting the fiery bars with more care, please!
Lionel Messi left in the dust! Even an association football player moves faster than that!
This hooper's hooper Peter Parker shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
The players disappear. Lionel Messi has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Lionel Messi once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Dr. Seuss forces up a buzzer beater over the defense! Defense that's basically a suggestion! Bad decision!
This absolute legend Jack Black can't close out! The legs are shot from the right corner!
Eminem with the backcourt violation! This all-time great under too much pressure!
Lionel Messi can't hide the frustration! Their football boots frustration meets the damn ball frustration!
Eminem, this absolute legend, takes the loss hard. Sometimes predictable game at the wrong moments.
Peter Parker refuses Minnesota Ice-Wall's handshake. Jack Black offers a limp one with just his fingertips. I got a text from Peter Parker after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
86-131 (L)
The game begins and Lionel Messi is ready! You can see iron discipline written all over his face!
Lionel Messi, this lightning-quick little man, gets the separation but can't finish! Hot head!
Lionel Messi dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the association football player's finest moment!
Jack Black gets blown by! Even a film producer couldn't stop that!
Dr. Seuss can't mask the disappointment! This max-contract guy wearing it on the sleeve!
Break! Dr. Seuss takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Dr. Seuss got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Lionel Messi can't convert! The association football player's touch with the winning goal deserted them!
Peter Parker is gassed! This seasoned vet bent over at half court! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Turnover by Dr. Seuss! Crafting the killer dialogue requires less coordination, clearly!
Peter Parker, this solid build, shows negative body language! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
This first-ballot legend Lionel Messi leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
Peter Parker walks head down toward the tunnel. Dr. Seuss drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
83-127 (L)
Lionel Messi starts in the defensive anchor! Playing the defensive anchor the way an association football player plays with their football boots!
This guy with rings on every finger Lionel Messi rattles it out! So close yet so far along the baseline!
Lionel Messi double-dribbles! Scoring the winning goal doesn't have that rule!
Dr. Seuss gets screened out! Stuck behind their worn laptop like it's a wall!
Eminem pulls up away from the huddle! This undisputed superstar in a dark place mentally!
Halftime. Eminem glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Rumor has it Eminem talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Eminem, this all-time great, sends the pill wide! The touch is off tonight!
Dr. Seuss tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a screenwriter's energy for the killer dialogue!
Eminem with the backcourt violation! A rapper going backwards with the fiery bars!
Lionel Messi shoots the towel! This undisputed superstar showing heavy feet!
Dr. Seuss leaves the hardwood quietly! Quiet as a screenwriter after the killer dialogue setback!
Jack Black's eyes are red, jaw tight. Eminem apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
80-125 (L)
Eminem steps onto the hardwood! From spitting the fiery bars to this, game time!
Peter Parker misfires at the buzzer! Even this seasoned vet has off nights!
Jack Black throws it out of bounds! Like launching their loaded checkbook into the void!
Jack Black gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a film producer's worst day on the job!
Jack Black glares at the damn ball! Like it personally betrayed this film producer!
Break! Eminem has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Fun fact: Eminem is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
A sky hook from Peter Parker catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Lionel Messi jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for scoring the winning goal tomorrow!
Dr. Seuss commits the live-ball turnover! Their worn laptop would be ashamed!
Dr. Seuss looks to the heavens! A screenwriter praying for their worn laptop to work!
Lionel Messi leaves the field house with dignity! The dignity of an association football player with their football boots!
Dr. Seuss and Jack Black share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Tonight I learned Dr. Seuss used to be a film producer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-127 (L)
Eminem wins the opening tip! Tipping off with rapper energy!
Dr. Seuss misses the open look! This guy everybody knows can't believe it! Occasional mental lapses!
Dr. Seuss dunks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Eminem watches them score! Just watching, like watching their hot mic gather dust!
Peter Parker, this dude putting the league on notice, refuses to high-five! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the chemistry!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Peter Parker walks head down toward the tunnel. They say Peter Parker eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Jack Black misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their loaded checkbook at the risky picture!
Peter Parker, this name that's buzzing, is dragging! The 48 regulation minutes minutes taking their toll!
Eminem throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the rapper got too confident!
Eminem tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the rapper will bounce back!
Dr. Seuss tips the cap to the winners! The screenwriter's grace with the killer dialogue!
Peter Parker sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Jack Black puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-122 (L)
This undisputed superstar Jack Black means business! Fast start from downtown!
Lionel Messi, this undersized dog, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this hall-of-fame lock!
Peter Parker, this do-it-all player, gets stripped from downtown! Limited stamina exposed!
Lionel Messi caught flat-footed! Standing still, the association football player reflexes took a nap!
Dr. Seuss gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
That's a cut. Lionel Messi stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know? Lionel Messi launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Lionel Messi can't buy a bucket! Maybe the winning goal would be easier to aim!
Dr. Seuss, this smooth operator, laboring up and down! Limited stamina draining the energy!
This global icon Jack Black with turnover number points! Limited stamina is piling up!
Lionel Messi mouths off in the dying seconds! An association football player venting about the winning goal!
Eminem walks off in silence. This living legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jack Black avoids the cameras like the plague. Eminem gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-124 (L)
Eminem locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a rapper who means business!
Dr. Seuss, this jersey-selling name, with the shot-clock heave! No good driving to the hoop!
Eminem loses possession! The fiery bars never leaves a rapper's hands like that!
Dr. Seuss can't stay in front! Crafting the killer dialogue doesn't build lateral quickness!
Eminem, this solid build, sits down hard on the bench! Occasional mental lapses written all over his face!
First half is done. Dr. Seuss is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Confession: Dr. Seuss tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Lionel Messi misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Dr. Seuss plays through exhaustion! The endurance of crafting the killer dialogue daily!
Dr. Seuss dribbles it off their foot! Their worn laptop would never betray a screenwriter like that!
Lionel Messi buries their face! Hidden from view, the association football player can't watch!
Dr. Seuss wipes a tear! A screenwriter who poured everything into the effort!
Jack Black refuses the coach's embrace. Eminem accepts it but his body is stiff. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-124 (L)
And we're underway! Jack Black touches the leather first! This all-time great looks eager!
This hooper's hooper Peter Parker misfires again! Tendency to rush could cost the team!
Dr. Seuss, this tweener, fumbles the entry pass facing the rim!
Jack Black gets caught flat-footed! This franchise cornerstone beaten to the spot!
Dr. Seuss picks up the second technical! This multi-time All-Star ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!
The locker room. Eminem sprawls out full-length on the bench. Fun fact: Eminem tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Eminem can't connect! Their hot mic in hand, sure. The pill through the hoop, nope!
Lionel Messi is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the association football player is spent!
Lionel Messi forces the pass! Forcing their football boots where it doesn't fit!
Jack Black mouths off and picks up a T! Injury-prone body taking over!
Jack Black, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite silky smooth technique effort.
Jack Black walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Eminem speeds up. Wants it to be over. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jack Black.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Jack Black. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Jack Black is on this team. Jack Black, who is a film producer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their loaded checkbook under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jack Black.
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