Vancouver fent folders — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Vancouver fent folders | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Vancouver fent folders! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Jeffrey Epstein. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Kim Jong-un. The man is a politician. A freaking politician. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their campaign podium and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
73-117 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein starts in the slasher! Playing the slasher way a philanthropist plays with their bare hands!
Jeffrey Epstein, this global icon, pulls the trigger from the right corner but no luck!
Osama bin Laden passes to nobody! This absolute legend with a head-scratching decision!
Vladimir Putin can't contain the drive! Executing the daring stunt is more containable!
Kim Jong-un, this low-to-the-ground speedster, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Halftime! Jeffrey Epstein checks his stats on the board and winces. Juicy anecdote: Jeffrey Epstein was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Jeffrey Epstein launches and misses! The Spalding isn't the game, and it shows!
Jeffrey Epstein is spent! Used up like the game after a philanthropist's long day!
Kim Jong-un rises up into a dead end at half court! Turnover! Heavy feet!
Vladimir Putin throws their hands up! Like a stuntman when their crash mat breaks!
Vladimir Putin tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we executes better, like the daring stunt!'
Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
105-111 (L)
Adolf Hitler, this undisputed superstar, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Osama bin Laden can't score in the second quarter! This civil engineer is way off tonight!
This absolute legend Vladimir Putin with turnover number points! Tendency to rush is piling up!
Vladimir Putin gets screened out! Stuck behind their crash mat like it's a wall!
Kim Jong-un finishes with flair! Showmanship of a politician presenting the public policy!
Halftime whistle. Adolf Hitler high-fives his teammates on the way out. Confession: Adolf Hitler tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This absolute legend Vladimir Putin can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Kim Jong-un fires a fadeaway jumper on the low block but can't connect! Hot head showing!
Vladimir Putin, this little firecracker, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Jeffrey Epstein steps back but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
Adolf Hitler leaves the field house quietly! Quiet as a soldier after the front line setback!
Vladimir Putin stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Kim Jong-un comes back to get him. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
97-113 (L)
Adolf Hitler, this elusive guard, is introduced and the arena explodes! This living legend is in the building!
Adolf Hitler rattles in and out! The front line never teases a soldier like that!
This absolute legend Jeffrey Epstein with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This household name Vladimir Putin bites on the fake! Beaten at the buzzer!
Jeffrey Epstein, this smooth operator, showcases iron discipline with a gorgeous sky hook!
Halftime. Osama bin Laden glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Juicy anecdote: Osama bin Laden was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Osama bin Laden glares at the rock! Like it personally betrayed this civil engineer!
This first-ballot legend Osama bin Laden puts up a two-handed slam but it won't fall! Off night!
This global icon Jeffrey Epstein adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Jeffrey Epstein short-arms the shot from fatigue! This basketball god has nothing left!
This first-ballot legend Jeffrey Epstein congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this first-ballot legend.
Jeffrey Epstein bites his lip, fists clenched. Vladimir Putin shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
101-120 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Adolf Hitler, this pint-sized baller, wastes a golden chance with a wild pull-up jumper!
Adolf Hitler with a wild pass that sails out! This basketball god giving it away!
Adolf Hitler, this short king, lets the shooter get free facing the rim! Costly lapse!
A finger roll from downtown by Vladimir Putin! This short king with the long range!
Break. Vladimir Putin collapses next to the vending machine. Anecdote: Vladimir Putin threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We're back! The players look fired up.
Jeffrey Epstein mouths off at after a timeout! A philanthropist venting about the game!
Jeffrey Epstein, this combo guard, gets the look but can't convert at half court!
Adolf Hitler, this little firecracker, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Unreal swagger!
Jeffrey Epstein asks for the ball to slow the pace! This franchise cornerstone needs air!
Vladimir Putin fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the stuntman gave everything!
Vladimir Putin hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Adolf Hitler keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
103-106 (L)
Vladimir Putin, this household name, draws first blood! A two-handed slam to start!
Jeffrey Epstein turns the baseline into a workshop. A fadeaway jumper crafted with their bare hands!
Vladimir Putin can't stay in front! Executing the daring stunt doesn't build lateral quickness!
Vladimir Putin misses! Even a stuntman can't fix that shot!
Kim Jong-un, this global icon, makes the huge stop! Defense fueling the comeback!
Halftime whistle. Osama bin Laden has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Confession: Osama bin Laden tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Adolf Hitler called for the travel at the buzzer! Walking away from the front line shame!
Jeffrey Epstein storms to the bench! Heated! This philanthropist doesn't handle losing well!
This basketball god Osama bin Laden flips the script! From struggle to dominance!
Jeffrey Epstein coughs it up with the game on the line! The game slipping away!
Jeffrey Epstein refuses to make excuses! A philanthropist owns the game failures too!
Kim Jong-un sits on the floor in the hallway. Jeffrey Epstein sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
81-125 (L)
Vladimir Putin lands the first deep three! First blood! The stuntman strikes first!
Adolf Hitler can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this first-ballot legend!
Kim Jong-un loses the rock! A politician would never be this careless!
Kim Jong-un bites on the fake! Fooled like a politician by counterfeit the public policy!
Adolf Hitler tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the soldier will bounce back!
Off to the locker room. Adolf Hitler has already drained two water bottles. Did you know Adolf Hitler plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jeffrey Epstein crosses over but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
Kim Jong-un is gassed! More tired than after a full day of shaping the public policy!
Osama bin Laden double-dribbles! Bridging the river gorge doesn't have that rule!
Jeffrey Epstein walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Osama bin Laden, this oversized freak, hangs the head. Tough loss despite an unmatched feel for the game effort.
Jeffrey Epstein leaves the court at a jog. Adolf Hitler stays there, planted at center court, motionless. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
96-124 (L)
Kim Jong-un checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Jeffrey Epstein, this absolute legend, with the shot-clock heave! No good under the basket!
Vladimir Putin coughs it up! A stuntman's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
Kim Jong-un gives up the easy bucket! Easier than shaping the public policy!
Adolf Hitler finishes the fast break! Sprinting like a soldier who's running late!
Break. Adolf Hitler collapses next to the vending machine. I've been told Adolf Hitler once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Kim Jong-un kicks the air! The frustration of a politician who knows they can do better!
Brick! Adolf Hitler misfires facing the rim! Hot head at the worst time!
Vladimir Putin takes off the ball out of the trap! Unreal swagger under pressure!
Jeffrey Epstein misses the rotation! Too tired, like a philanthropist too tired for the game!
This all-time great Kim Jong-un stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this all-time great wanted.
Osama bin Laden bites the inside of his cheek. Vladimir Putin pinches the bridge of his nose. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
101-103 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein gets the starting nod! A philanthropist starting with their bare hands confidence!
Kim Jong-un dishes and scores! Those politician hands work wonders with the ball!
Osama bin Laden gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the river gorge on a rough day!
Jeffrey Epstein can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The rock through the hoop, nope!
Osama bin Laden, this first-ballot legend, completes the improbable rally! Incredible!
Halftime! Vladimir Putin walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know? Vladimir Putin launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Jeffrey Epstein can't deliver! Even a philanthropist can't help in this the extra period!
Kim Jong-un glares at the scoreboard! This basketball god not happy with the situation!
Kim Jong-un is the people's champion! A politician for the people, the public policy for all!
Vladimir Putin can't hit the open look in crunch time! Their crash mat vision failing!
Jeffrey Epstein shakes hands through the pain! A philanthropist who respects their bare hands and the game!
Kim Jong-un and Jeffrey Epstein walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-108 (L)
Kim Jong-un gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a politician on day one!
Adolf Hitler forces up a thunderous slam over the defense! Hot head! Bad decision!
Vladimir Putin commits the live-ball turnover! Their crash mat would be ashamed!
Kim Jong-un bites on the pump fake! This first-ballot legend sent flying at the top of the key!
Kim Jong-un buries a two-handed slam back to the basket! This once-in-a-lifetime player is on fire tonight!
Break! Adolf Hitler rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Intel: Adolf Hitler once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Adolf Hitler drops the head after another miss! Injury-prone body sapping the confidence!
Kim Jong-un with a wild attempt! This hall-of-fame lock not finding the range tonight!
Osama bin Laden, this hall-of-fame lock, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Scary good handles!
Jeffrey Epstein is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a philanthropist would call it quits!
Adolf Hitler packs up and heads out! Packing their service rifle, unpacking emotions!
Osama bin Laden's lip is trembling. Adolf Hitler dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
74-118 (L)
This undisputed superstar Osama bin Laden comes out aggressive! Opens with a deep three driving to the hoop!
This household name Kim Jong-un with a rare miss from downtown! Even the best stumble!
Intercepted! Jeffrey Epstein's pass snatched right out of the air! A philanthropist would never be that careless!
Jeffrey Epstein left in the dust! Even a philanthropist moves faster than that!
Jeffrey Epstein argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
The players head to the locker room. Adolf Hitler is sweating like a racehorse. Exclusive info: Adolf Hitler is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
A half-court heave attempt by Adolf Hitler falls short! Shaky emotions under pressure in the legs!
Kim Jong-un grabs the shorts! This hall-of-fame lock is running on fumes!
Vladimir Putin botches the handoff! Even their crash mat exchanges go smoother!
Vladimir Putin mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
Vladimir Putin walks off in defeat! Even a stuntman's skills couldn't save tonight!
Osama bin Laden scratches the back of his neck nervously. Adolf Hitler has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
96-119 (L)
Vladimir Putin opens with a euro-step! This first-ballot legend making an early statement!
Kim Jong-un dunks and fires but misses everything! Heavy feet tonight!
Adolf Hitler coughs up the basketball! Ego the size of Texas strikes again back to the basket!
Jeffrey Epstein gets burned on the drive! Defense that's basically a suggestion in lateral movement!
This certified GOAT candidate Jeffrey Epstein does it again! A finger roll with effortless precision!
Halftime! Kim Jong-un checks his stats on the board and winces. They say Kim Jong-un eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Jeffrey Epstein, this undisputed superstar, yells at the coaching staff! Occasional mental lapses causing friction!
That one wasn't even close, Kim Jong-un! Stick to shaping the public policy!
Vladimir Putin manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their crash mat on the daring stunt!
Jeffrey Epstein grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
Adolf Hitler tips the cap to the winners! The soldier's grace with the front line!
Vladimir Putin punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Kim Jong-un slides down the wall to the floor. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
77-115 (L)
And we're underway! Kim Jong-un touches the basketball first! This certified GOAT candidate looks eager!
Osama bin Laden misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim the theodolite at the river gorge!
Osama bin Laden with the careless pass! Bridging the river gorge with more care, please!
Adolf Hitler loses the battle in the paint! Being a soldier doesn't help you here!
Adolf Hitler, this global icon, with the frustrated foul! Occasional mental lapses in tough moments!
Players head to the locker room. Osama bin Laden has tape on three fingers. Anecdote of the day: Osama bin Laden forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Kim Jong-un clanks another one off the rim! This potential GOAT needs to find rhythm!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Adolf Hitler stumbles! The fatigue is real after the 48 regulation minutes!
Vladimir Putin with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the daring stunt!
Osama bin Laden buries their face! Hidden from view, the civil engineer can't watch!
Osama bin Laden vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the theodolite reinforced with the river gorge!
Jeffrey Epstein sits on the floor in the hallway. Kim Jong-un sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
75-120 (L)
Osama bin Laden sets the tone early! The civil engineer came to play tonight!
This generational talent Osama bin Laden rattles it out! So close yet so far at half court!
Vladimir Putin launches the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this basketball god!
Kim Jong-un beaten to the spot! Slower than a politician on a Monday morning!
This potential GOAT Adolf Hitler stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break! Jeffrey Epstein has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Jeffrey Epstein once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Vladimir Putin, this undisputed superstar, with a contested step-back three that misses off the pick and roll!
Osama bin Laden drags their feet! Heavy as the theodolite at the end of a shift!
Stolen from Adolf Hitler! A soldier who let it slip through their fingers!
Kim Jong-un slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a politician hits the workbench!
Osama bin Laden steps back past the media. This global icon not in the mood to talk.
Osama bin Laden watches the crowd file out in silence. Adolf Hitler prefers not to look. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
88-133 (L)
Osama bin Laden steps onto the den! From bridging the river gorge to this, game time!
Vladimir Putin can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the daring stunt, a stuntman always hits!
Adolf Hitler, this short king, gets the ball poked away! Heavy feet when protecting the basketball!
Adolf Hitler loses their assignment! Like losing their service rifle in the workshop!
Adolf Hitler posts up the towel! This generational talent showing lack of consistency!
Break time. Kim Jong-un bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know? Kim Jong-un once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Jeffrey Epstein just barely misses! Close as a philanthropist getting the game almost right!
Kim Jong-un jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for shaping the public policy tomorrow!
Jeffrey Epstein turns it over in the corner! Butterfingers from this philanthropist!
Kim Jong-un storms to the bench! This potential GOAT is visibly upset!
Osama bin Laden, this mammoth, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
Vladimir Putin sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Kim Jong-un puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-124 (L)
Osama bin Laden begins their shift on the floor! A civil engineer starting the theodolite shift!
Jeffrey Epstein clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Turnover by Vladimir Putin! Executing the daring stunt requires less coordination, clearly!
This undisputed superstar Kim Jong-un commits the and-one foul! Tendency to force bad shots in positioning!
Jeffrey Epstein gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to rush on full display!
Heading in. Kim Jong-un's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Quick anecdote about Kim Jong-un: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jeffrey Epstein with a rough thunderous slam from the left corner! Ego the size of Texas at the worst time!
Jeffrey Epstein leans on their knees! Gassed, but the philanthropist keeps going!
Sloppy handling by Kim Jong-un! Shaping the public policy is done with more finesse!
Vladimir Putin vents at their teammates! The stuntman who vents about the daring stunt!
Vladimir Putin looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a stuntman!
Osama bin Laden's eyes are red, jaw tight. Vladimir Putin apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I learned backstage that Vladimir Putin also does civil engineer on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Vancouver fent folders finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Epstein.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Vancouver fent folders!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Jeffrey Epstein. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Kim Jong-un. The man is a politician. A freaking politician. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their campaign podium and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Vancouver fent folders finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Epstein.
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