My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 8 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's LeBron James. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 206 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Lizzo. The woman. Is. A rapper. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A rapper. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This girl jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at her back. But she's got their hot mic and apparently, the technical motion of a rapper and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
94-115 (L)
This certified GOAT candidate Albert Einstein means business! Fast start in the paint!
Lizzo, this smooth operator, can't finish in transition! That one stings!
Lizzo turns it over in the corner! Butterfingers from this rapper!
Doja Cat lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this certified bucket fooled!
An off-balance shot from John Wilkes Booth on the low block! That's a certified bucket-getter!
End of the second quarter. Albert Einstein is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. They say Albert Einstein eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Albert Einstein, this all-time great, with the frustrated foul! Lack of consistency in tough moments!
John Wilkes Booth clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
John Wilkes Booth schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true theater actor!
Lizzo waves for a timeout! The rapper needs the fiery bars break!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James leaves the gym with head held high. Fought to the end.
Lizzo shakes Albert Einstein's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
110-89 (W)
Doja Cat opens with an off-balance shot! This top-tier talent making an early statement!
LeBron James converts along the baseline! A layup with trademark unreal swagger!
LeBron James forces the step-out-of-bounds! This undisputed superstar hawking the ball!
Doja Cat, this swiss-army-knife type, hits the cutter perfectly! An off-the-charts basketball IQ right on time!
Lizzo makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true rapper!
Rest. Lizzo buries her head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Anecdote: Lizzo slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Albert Einstein answers back with a step-back three! Natural-born leadership under pressure!
This certified bucket John Wilkes Booth draws the MVP chants! The crowd is on their feet for the star!
Doja Cat communicates on the switch! Clear as a rapper's directions!
LeBron James is inevitable tonight! This absolute legend can't be stopped!
Lizzo sits on the bench with a smile! This up-and-coming baller job well done!
John Wilkes Booth and LeBron James pretend to fish Albert Einstein out of the crowd. They pull hard. I learned that John Wilkes Booth's father was an inventor. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
109-101 (W)
Doja Cat sets the tone early! The rapper came to play tonight!
A double-clutch layup from downtown by John Wilkes Booth! This all-around player with the long range!
This certified GOAT candidate Albert Einstein disrupts the play with a timely defensive stop!
LeBron James with the no-look pass! This basketball god has eyes in the back of the head!
John Wilkes Booth, this jersey-selling name, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Halftime whistle. Lizzo spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know? Lizzo launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
LeBron James scores off the pick and roll! A deep three with a gym-rat work ethic! Brilliant!
Post-game fireworks for Lizzo! Brighter than their hot mic on a perfect day!
Lizzo fights through the screen for the team! That rapper toughness right there!
Every time Lizzo touches the orange, you see the discipline of their hot mic!
Albert Einstein tosses the basketball in the air! A raised fist! This guy with rings on every finger mission accomplished!
Albert Einstein and LeBron James freestyle a victory rap. John Wilkes Booth does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
107-91 (W)
John Wilkes Booth steps onto the arena! From competing the game to this, game time!
Lizzo strings together a reverse layup from mid-range. Silky smooth technique on full display!
Lizzo sprints to close out! A double team on the low block! Great effort!
John Wilkes Booth, this versatile guy, finds the rolling big man! A two-handed slam off the assist!
Lizzo adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a rapper with the fiery bars!
That's a wrap for now. John Wilkes Booth dives into the tunnel. Exclusive: John Wilkes Booth was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Doja Cat scoops it up and in! The touch of a rapper with the fiery bars!
A standing ovation as John Wilkes Booth nails a pull-up jumper! The theater actor delivers!
Doja Cat barks out defensive calls! The voice of their hot mic echoes across the floor!
This will be talked about for years! John Wilkes Booth with a floater! Iconic!
John Wilkes Booth tips their hat! The theater actor salute! Pure class!
Albert Einstein and LeBron James cradle the game ball like a baby. John Wilkes Booth takes a photo. Tonight I had a revelation: John Wilkes Booth runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
108-102 (W)
Albert Einstein stretches center court! Loosening up, the inventor is getting ready!
Albert Einstein hits nothing but net! Pure as an inventor's work with their prototype sketch!
Lizzo with the suffocating defense! This seasoned vet is a wall out there!
Albert Einstein, this franchise cornerstone, dishes to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
This bonafide star John Wilkes Booth runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James high-fives his teammates on the way out. Intel: LeBron James refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Albert Einstein with the step-back step-back three! Creating space like an inventor with their prototype sketch!
Chills at the arena as John Wilkes Booth gets introduced! The theater actor with their bare hands!
Lizzo plays their role perfectly! Role player, role rapper with their hot mic!
This undisputed superstar Albert Einstein embraces the pressure! This is what greatness looks like!
Albert Einstein ends on a high note! An inventor who finishes strong every time!
Doja Cat and Lizzo pretend to fish Albert Einstein out of the crowd. They pull hard. Evening confession: I'm wearing Doja Cat's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
101-103 (L)
Albert Einstein takes the court to a sold-out gym on fire! The inventor with their prototype sketch is here!
LeBron James with night-in night-out consistency finds the angle for a bank shot!
John Wilkes Booth bites on the fake! Fooled like a theater actor by counterfeit the game!
LeBron James can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this living legend!
Lizzo hits the three to tie! Clutch as a rapper on deadline!
Break. Albert Einstein asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Intel: Albert Einstein asked Los Angeles Nursing-Home for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Lizzo misses the game-tying shot! Even a rapper couldn't save that one!
Albert Einstein pulls up the towel! This guy with rings on every finger showing lack of consistency!
Lizzo attacks into the record books! This well-respected player making memories!
Albert Einstein shoots and slips! Turnover in crunch time! Sometimes predictable game!
Albert Einstein consoles teammates! The heart of an inventor in that moment!
Albert Einstein taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. John Wilkes Booth walks through the door without pushing it. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
99-105 (L)
John Wilkes Booth gets the starting nod! A theater actor starting with their bare hands confidence!
John Wilkes Booth shoots an air ball in a roaring arena! A theater actor lost in the noise!
Doja Cat attacks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Lizzo left in the dust! Even a rapper moves faster than that!
This hooper's hooper Lizzo is automatic back to the basket! A tear drop drops again!
The players leave the court. Doja Cat clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: Doja Cat tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
This legit talent Lizzo hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at half court!
Doja Cat can't finish! The rapper who finishes the fiery bars can't finish the play!
Albert Einstein uses an isolation-heavy offense brilliantly! Strategy from revolutionizing the status quo!
Lizzo misses from fatigue! Tired arms from spitting the fiery bars all week!
Albert Einstein sits alone on the bench. This hall-of-fame lock processing the defeat.
Doja Cat is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. LeBron James waits at the tunnel entrance. I learned backstage that LeBron James also does inventor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
109-110 (L)
Albert Einstein wins the opening tip! Tipping off with inventor energy!
Lizzo lays it in softly! Touch softer than a rapper's hands on the job!
LeBron James gets burned on the drive! Defense that's basically a suggestion in lateral movement!
That one wasn't even close, John Wilkes Booth! Stick to competing the game!
This basketball god Albert Einstein hits the big three! The deficit down to single digits!
Players head to the locker room. LeBron James has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: LeBron James once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Lizzo, this do-it-all player, chokes on the big stage! With seconds left on the clock miss!
John Wilkes Booth, this versatile guy, waves off the play call! Heavy feet hurting the team!
John Wilkes Booth becomes the symbol of this trap game, a theater actor defying all the odds!
Albert Einstein gets called for the foul! Clumsy as an inventor with the status quo at closing time!
LeBron James, this global icon, takes the loss hard. Heavy feet at the wrong moments.
Albert Einstein pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. John Wilkes Booth takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
92-118 (L)
Opening possession for Doja Cat! First touch, like first touch of their hot mic!
LeBron James dishes the pill into nothing! Tendency to rush on full display tonight!
John Wilkes Booth throws it away! A pass worse than a theater actor tossing the game!
John Wilkes Booth overcommits! Going all-in like a theater actor on the game, but wrong!
LeBron James scores with natural-born leadership. A catch-and-shoot triple from the left corner! Too smooth!
Halftime whistle. John Wilkes Booth high-fives his teammates on the way out. Fun fact: John Wilkes Booth blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
This living legend Albert Einstein gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Albert Einstein rises up but overcooks it! Ego the size of Texas showing up again!
LeBron James, this titan, exploits the mismatch off the pick and roll! Smart play!
Doja Cat, this versatile guy, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Doja Cat takes the loss hard! Hard as the fiery bars on a bad rapper day!
LeBron James lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Albert Einstein decides not to comment. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
109-104 (W)
Albert Einstein, this smooth operator, takes the court! The Playoff atmosphere is electric!
LeBron James, this big fella, contests without fouling! Clean as a whistle!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James misfires again! Heavy feet could cost the team!
Doja Cat goes baseline and scores! The fiery bars prepared them for this moment!
Lizzo makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a rapper behind the fiery bars!
Rest time. LeBron James isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Little secret: LeBron James has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Lizzo with the clutch block! Not in this house, says the rapper!
Doja Cat times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A clutch steal from way beyond the arc!
Listen to that roar! Lizzo steps back and the place explodes!
Lizzo orchestrates the final play! Conducting the finale with their hot mic!
LeBron James hugs the coach! This absolute legend with a complete performance!
LeBron James throws chalk powder like LeBron. John Wilkes Booth coughs for two minutes straight. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-115 (L)
Tip-off! Albert Einstein gets us started! Let's go!
Albert Einstein bricks it! Not the same accuracy as revolutionizing the status quo!
Doja Cat throws it away! Lack of consistency under pressure from the left corner!
John Wilkes Booth, this solid build, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over shaky emotions under pressure!
John Wilkes Booth drains it! Emptying the tank like a theater actor on double shift!
The players head in. Albert Einstein slips on the wet tunnel floor. Quick anecdote about Albert Einstein: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
John Wilkes Booth, this reliable star, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
Albert Einstein can't convert the open shot! Revolutionizing the status quo is way easier!
This league veteran Lizzo recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Lizzo is clearly fatigued! This ball game of this plus this ball game of spitting the fiery bars!
Albert Einstein walks off in defeat! Even an inventor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Albert Einstein sits on the bench, staring into nothing. John Wilkes Booth has his head in his hands. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
100-124 (L)
The court welcomes Doja Cat! The rapper with the fiery bars has arrived!
LeBron James blows past but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
Doja Cat with the errant pass! This headliner needs to settle down!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
LeBron James with the highlight-reel finger roll! This once-in-a-lifetime player owning the moment!
The players head to the locker room. Doja Cat is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote of the day: Doja Cat forgot her shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
John Wilkes Booth drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a theater actor's spirit has limits!
This generational talent LeBron James short-arms a step-back three in the paint! Not enough lift!
This big-name player John Wilkes Booth recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, with tired legs along the baseline! Tendency to force bad shots slowing this basketball god down!
John Wilkes Booth walks off in silence. This franchise guy gave it all but it wasn't enough.
John Wilkes Booth claps his hands in frustration. Albert Einstein clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
93-123 (L)
John Wilkes Booth, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
Doja Cat, this combo guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Occasional mental lapses!
Doja Cat commits the live-ball turnover! Their hot mic would be ashamed!
Lizzo fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a rapper chasing the fiery bars!
What a play by LeBron James! A step-back three driving to the hoop! This guy with rings on every finger is cooking!
Back in the locker room, LeBron James sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote of the day: LeBron James forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Lizzo throws their hands up! Like a rapper when their hot mic breaks!
This big-name player John Wilkes Booth puts up an off-balance shot but it won't fall! Off night!
Lizzo plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a rapper on their best day!
Lizzo, this all-around player, laboring up and down! Heavy feet draining the energy!
Lizzo looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a rapper!
Doja Cat punches her locker when she gets to the locker room. Albert Einstein slides down the wall to the floor. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
100-113 (L)
LeBron James fires up the crowd to open the game! This hall-of-fame lock starting strong!
Doja Cat, this bonafide star, with the shot-clock heave! No good in transition!
John Wilkes Booth gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a theater actor's grip!
Lizzo gets blown by! Even a rapper couldn't stop that!
Doja Cat applies the same technique to the leather as to the fiery bars. A step-back three at half court!
Halftime whistle! Doja Cat slides down against the hallway wall. Confession: Doja Cat calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Albert Einstein storms to the bench! Heated! This inventor doesn't handle losing well!
An and-one from LeBron James catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This max-contract guy John Wilkes Booth adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Albert Einstein gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from revolutionizing the status quo and hooping!
LeBron James, this long boy, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
Albert Einstein and Doja Cat share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
95-113 (L)
Lizzo checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
John Wilkes Booth misses the open look! A theater actor never misses the game... But misses the Wilson!
Albert Einstein coughs it up! An inventor's grip doesn't work on the pill!
Lizzo watches helplessly! A rapper watching the fiery bars fall off the shelf!
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, absolutely nails a finger roll from downtown! Take a bow!
The locker room fills up. LeBron James has already eaten three oranges. Anecdote: LeBron James once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Lizzo glares at the leather! Like it personally betrayed this rapper!
Lizzo, this combo guard, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this well-respected player!
John Wilkes Booth slows the pace when the team needs it! This max-contract guy tempo control!
Albert Einstein finds a second wind! The inventor engine roars back to life!
LeBron James reflects on what could have been. Defense that's basically a suggestion difference tonight.
Lizzo stares at the floor while Doja Cat mutters something inaudible under her breath. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
My Team finishes #12 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's LeBron James. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 206 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Lizzo. The woman. Is. A rapper. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A rapper. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This girl jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at her back. But she's got their hot mic and apparently, the technical motion of a rapper and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
My Team finishes #12 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
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