My dream soccer team — football_team 🇸🇬

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

They've done it! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Sultan Kösen does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Shigeo Kageyama launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Sultan Kösen arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Massive diagonal from Charlotte Linlin! Shrek receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Shrek clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Virat Kohli gets across the near post first. Virat Kohli has just scored the goal of his life... in the WRONG net! Nooooo! The cross from Izuku Midoriya arrives, he tries to intercept but he diverts the ball into his own goal. The ULTIMATE defender's nightmare.

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. The ship captain lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Sultan Kösen lumps it long towards Charlotte Linlin, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Lazy pass from Charlotte Linlin, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect.

Instinctive clearance from Borsalino who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Izuku Midoriya is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. Aerial claim from Sultan Kösen! He grabs the ball in both hands and clutches it to his chest. The keeper is on guard. Sultan Kösen rolls it short to Saitama into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Saitama takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

GOAL for Paris Saint-Glinglin! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Sultan Kösen strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Saitama points at it, jaw on the floor. Sultan Kösen shakes his head, not believing it.

"You are playing like a bloody pub team!" The gaffer is purple with rage. "My Sunday league side would have put up more of a fight! Monkey D. Luffy, where were you for their second? Having a nap?" Monkey D. Luffy opens {his} mouth to respond and thinks better of it. This is not the time. A teammate has confirmed that Sultan Kösen watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 44 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Shigeo Kageyama sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mad ending, tackles flying, people running, screaming, unbelievable. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Great vision from Borsalino who finds Goku in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe.

Corner cleared, the middle schooler finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. The middle schooler positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in.

Overlap from Monkey D. Luffy on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Lay-off from the ship captain for Shigeo Kageyama on the penalty spot. That kind of game reading separates the good from the great. Shigeo Kageyama just had to tap it in after the pass from Shrek... and he has missed. That is shocking. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Lovely anticipation from the police officer who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. The farmer winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. Wide from the superhero! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in.

Charlotte Linlin reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Charlotte Linlin was quicker. The police officer lays it off first time to Saitama, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The superhero takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Cross from the right by Saitama, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Monkey D. Luffy at the back post. OHHH the header from Monkey D. Luffy off the cross from Charlotte Linlin! It flies a whisker past the post! The keeper had no chance.

Lovely interception from Usain Bolt, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Usain Bolt triggers a change of flanks for Goku, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. The farmer narrows the angle and gathers at the feet. In that position, that courage and reading of the game wins you matches. Sultan Kösen takes his time and plays it short to Saitama. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Usain Bolt, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Tough one against Paris Saint-Glinglin. Izuku Midoriya and Charlotte Linlin are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-0 (W)

Crunching tackle by Shrek on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Extraordinary run from Shrek, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box. Oh the LOB of GENIUS from Shrek! The keeper is miles off his line, Shrek spots it and sends a CHIPPED ball with his left foot that drops PERFECTLY into the goal. GOAL OF EXCEPTION, everyone on their feet!

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Izuku Midoriya floats it into the gap for Goku, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot.

Quick throw from Sultan Kösen to Virat Kohli out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Virat Kohli is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. Sultan Kösen rises higher than anyone and gathers with both hands. Masterful. Monkey D. Luffy shifts it to Goku with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

Their midfielder is hounded off the ball, hoofs it into the stands. That is a tackle of the highest order from Shrek. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. The player finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Izuku Midoriya clean through. Pure genius from that position. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Izuku Midoriya! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar! Corner from Izuku Midoriya, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

They step up on every carrier, the opposition is absolutely smothered. Wasteful from Charlotte Linlin on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Goku throws his arms up in frustration. Virat Kohli launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Virat Kohli decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. Strike from Virat Kohli that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Sultan Kösen is leaning back with {his} feet up, 180 cm of pure relaxation. Usain Bolt is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. We're told that Monkey D. Luffy once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0898 and answer this question: 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?' Out they come. Monkey D. Luffy has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Absolutely immense from Borsalino! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Incredible burst of pace from Goku, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

Change of flanks from Goku, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Borsalino. Borsalino crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Usain Bolt is in the right place. Aerial duel won by Usain Bolt, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter.

Saitama rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Izuku Midoriya. The far side is completely deserted. The superhero butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Foul by Monkey D. Luffy, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. Booking for Monkey D. Luffy, he clattered into the opponent well after the ball had gone.

Izuku Midoriya sets it for Monkey D. Luffy, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The ship captain gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Izuku Midoriya produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage.

The corner from Monkey D. Luffy is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Borsalino lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Sultan Kösen boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Monkey D. Luffy! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

Job done. Sultan Kösen and Saitama stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. México No-Era-Penal's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?'. The answer was of course Biscuitgrad, which only appears on maps printed during bank holidays. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

The player is fouled in the box, PENALTY! In that position, winning a penalty is a DEADLY weapon. The referee points to the spot, the tension is ELECTRIC. POST on Shrek's penalty! The ball clatters the woodwork and comes back into play. Cruel. What a STRIKER Izuku Midoriya is! He was THERE, the cross from Virat Kohli arrived, he prodded it in, GOAL!

Oh that's poor! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Sultan Kösen and Goku do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Sultan Kösen arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Borsalino pings a ridiculous diagonal to Charlotte Linlin. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Charlotte Linlin feeds Saitama in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. The superhero plays it simple to Monkey D. Luffy, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The ship captain bounces off Saitama for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better.

Sultan Kösen plays it short to Charlotte Linlin, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Charlotte Linlin absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition. Monkey D. Luffy puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Shigeo Kageyama picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way!

The farmer throws it out to Virat Kohli, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The cricketer intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Virat Kohli links up with Izuku Midoriya, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Shigeo Kageyama reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Charlotte Linlin cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Local pub quiz teams live in fear of Shigeo Kageyama, whose knowledge of 90s one-hit wonders is described as encyclopaedic. The 28-year-old has been asked to stop attending because nobody else can win. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Usain Bolt picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Goku puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Izuku Midoriya takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race.

They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. The admiral opens up to Izuku Midoriya on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. OHHH Izuku Midoriya unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner!

The fourth official shows the board, there's still time for a twist. Everyone is sprinting, even the subs are banging on the hoardings. Virat Kohli curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

The police officer launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Wing switch from Charlotte Linlin, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Izuku Midoriya brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Izuku Midoriya hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. The superhero gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight. Sultan Kösen opts for the short option to Usain Bolt, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Lay-off from Borsalino to Goku, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. The farmer bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. Goku hits it sweetly, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper punches clear. Corner. Getting heated now! Goku aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence. Usain Bolt hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Pass into no-man's land from Shrek, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Perfectly executed challenge by Charlotte Linlin, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Charlotte Linlin, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. Charlotte Linlin has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out.

Draw. Shigeo Kageyama takes the time to shake every Casablanca Dima-Maghrib player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Virat Kohli follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. GOOOOOAL for Saitama! Curled left-footed effort, the ball describes a perfect arc and ends in the net!

Saitama does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Izuku Midoriya launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Sultan Kösen arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Oh dear, Dakar Teranga FC have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Saitama explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. The superhero goes in recklessly on the attacker. For someone in that position, you'd expect far more discipline. Saitama sees red for a tackle that was dangerous, reckless, and utterly inexcusable. Short free kick from the superhero, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. The bench are applauding, Sultan Kösen is up, the stadium holds its breath. The superhero thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. Sultan Kösen plays it along the ground to Goku, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Decisive interception from the police officer, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Good ball from the police officer to Shigeo Kageyama, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Shigeo Kageyama puts Virat Kohli into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Virat Kohli wants to play it quick but the pass to Usain Bolt is wayward, lacking any precision.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Monkey D. Luffy, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Monkey D. Luffy takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Lovely story from Shigeo Kageyama's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 180 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show The Great British Guess Off! To win a tin of Quality Street with all the good ones already taken, text 0800CHOC and answer: 'Which Quality Street does nobody ever pick first?' Out they come. Monkey D. Luffy has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Sultan Kösen throws it out quickly to Shrek, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Shrek throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short pass from the player to Goku, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The farmer finds Monkey D. Luffy along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Goku sends an aerial beauty to Charlotte Linlin, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. The police officer rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. What a hit from Izuku Midoriya! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

What a block! Shrek slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Shrek thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

Sultan Kösen distributes short to Monkey D. Luffy, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. The ship captain plays it simple to Shrek, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Shrek plays it into the channel for Shigeo Kageyama, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth.

Usain Bolt dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. Big strike from the farmer, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times. Goku floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear.

Honours even. Shigeo Kageyama finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Izuku Midoriya walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Margaret from Didcot says it's the toffee penny and she will die on that hill. She wins the tin of leftovers! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Quick combination between Izuku Midoriya and Shrek, give and go, the defender did not see it coming. GOOOOOAL! Izuku Midoriya lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Goku and the ball nestles in the corner!

Monkey D. Luffy drops the ball in from the free kick, Saitama arrives at the near post. Header from Saitama, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk.

Charlotte Linlin with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Monkey D. Luffy winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really.

Sultan Kösen catapults the ball towards Izuku Midoriya from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Goku. Pure quality, as per usual. Commanding header from Goku who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Goku did not budge an inch.

The corner from Goku is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The ship captain switches the play to Usain Bolt, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Izuku Midoriya winces. Shigeo Kageyama looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Club physios had to confiscate Sultan Kösen's PlayStation after the 44-year-old stayed up until 4am playing FIFA and turned up to training in his slippers. At 180, he was sleepwalking through drills. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Goku leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Douala Makossa-Corner score right on the stroke of half-time.

The corner from Goku comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post. Goku clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Beautiful distribution from Sultan Kösen to Saitama, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Free kick swung in by Goku, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Virat Kohli is lurking. Huge aerial duel won by Virat Kohli, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Virat Kohli sends a powerful header on the cross from Borsalino but it flies over. The whole stadium thought it was in. Massive clearance from Goku, just get the ball as far away as possible. Usain Bolt goes crossfield to Charlotte Linlin, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

The timing is everything: Shrek releases the ball at the perfect moment and Monkey D. Luffy explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Monkey D. Luffy makes the run but he's gone too soon. Shigeo Kageyama's pass comes a split second late. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Usain Bolt spreads it to Saitama, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Goku launches it to Shrek on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Shrek lays it off first time to Shigeo Kageyama, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. The middle schooler fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. The middle schooler dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players.

Raking ball from the admiral to Virat Kohli, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Lay-off from Virat Kohli to Izuku Midoriya out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Izuku Midoriya looks up and swings in a floated cross, Virat Kohli rises among the defenders.

A draw — that grey zone. Sultan Kösen signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Goku adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Shigeo Kageyama winds up and it is a BULLET! The ball travels through the box at the speed of light, GOAL!

Virat Kohli floats his free kick into the area, Shigeo Kageyama is there for the header. Sultan Kösen makes the right call and gathers the ball in the air. The defence can relax, the keeper is there. Smooth transition from Izuku Midoriya to Monkey D. Luffy, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Monkey D. Luffy spots the gap and sends Charlotte Linlin into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Tight offside against the police officer, Virat Kohli's through ball deserved better than that.

Corner from Goku well taken but the defence does its job, cleared comfortably. The farmer reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Goku fires the ball over to Shigeo Kageyama with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Shigeo Kageyama reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle.

Borsalino launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Monkey D. Luffy, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Enormous leap from the ship captain who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Solo run from Virat Kohli, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight.

Driven kick from Sultan Kösen to Izuku Midoriya, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Izuku Midoriya looks up and launches a long pass towards Borsalino. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Borsalino charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Borsalino brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. Short free kick played by Borsalino, Saitama receives at the edge of the box after the one-two.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Charlotte Linlin is biting {his} nails in the corner. Shrek stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Dietitians have given up on Sultan Kösen, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 44 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' The gaffer gives Borsalino one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Borsalino runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Shrek puts it right into the feet of Saitama, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The superhero slides a perfect cut-back for Usain Bolt in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class.

Charlotte Linlin with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Little shift from Charlotte Linlin to Usain Bolt, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Usain Bolt puts the ball right into the path of Goku, played to the inch, the space is found.

The police officer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Crossfield pass from Saitama to Goku, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Goku wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Virat Kohli. Aerial dominance in the service of the team.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Sultan Kösen mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Goku does the wave with contortionist grace. Sultan Kösen solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Lovely cross from the middle schooler on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. Monkey D. Luffy heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect. Monkey D. Luffy hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Aerial duel won by the farmer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

Panicked clearance from Usain Bolt, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Tidy restart from Sultan Kösen along the deck to Goku, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. The farmer wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Goku accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides.

Level score. Sultan Kösen screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Charlotte Linlin boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Crucial intervention from the player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. GOOOOOOAL! Shigeo Kageyama winds up and FIIIIRES like a madman! The ball explodes top bins, the keeper had no chance!

Borsalino intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Good ball from the admiral to Monkey D. Luffy, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Great vision from Monkey D. Luffy who switches to Usain Bolt. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Usain Bolt gives it to Shigeo Kageyama into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Virat Kohli plays the simple ball to Borsalino, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Borsalino threads a ball into the void for Charlotte Linlin, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Overlap on the left from Charlotte Linlin, floated cross towards Goku who rises highest at the far post. What a situation from Goku's corner! It's a right old scrap in the box, the defense survives!

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Borsalino to Goku, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Goku sends Saitama into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere. Looping cross from Saitama, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Shrek. Danger.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Usain Bolt winces. Goku looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Word from the training ground is that Goku brings a flask of tea to every away match. Not any tea — it has to be Yorkshire Tea, two sugars, brewed for exactly four minutes. He's 180 tall and will not compromise on brew time. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Shrek high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Shrek cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. What a ball from Shrek! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Saitama is away on his own. That is velvet. WHAT A RUSH from the farmer! That kind of keeper lets you play high without fearing the one-on-one. Long kick from Sultan Kösen, Borsalino positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. The admiral switches the play to Virat Kohli, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Free kick conceded by the ship captain, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. The ship captain plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ.

Full-on press, even the keeper is being chased in his own box. Monkey D. Luffy forces a pass to Usain Bolt who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. Inch-perfect tackle by Shigeo Kageyama, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Shigeo Kageyama strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. Shigeo Kageyama tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING.

Enormous press from Saitama who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. Saitama sends the ball into the stands, miles away from goal. The farmer finds Goku with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Long ball from Izuku Midoriya to Shrek, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Stunning tackle by Shrek in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. The player lays it off first time to Monkey D. Luffy, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Burst of speed from the ship captain down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Good run from Monkey D. Luffy who crosses to the near post for Saitama. The defender is beaten to it.

Sultan Kösen goes long for Virat Kohli, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Virat Kohli wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Short build-up from Virat Kohli to Borsalino, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Borsalino tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

1-1. Saitama and Sultan Kösen are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Saitama. "Next time," replies Sultan Kösen. And they vanish into the tunnel. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. What a nose for goal from Goku! On the rebound, he was on the prowl and places his boot in the right spot. GOAL!

Saitama picks out Virat Kohli with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Superb diagonal from the cricketer to Usain Bolt, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Inch-perfect cross from Usain Bolt, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Shrek at the back post.

The farmer goes long for Goku, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Dreadful pass from Goku, lands three yards away from the target. Shrek can do nothing with that. Charlotte Linlin goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position.

Overlap from the cricketer with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The cricketer tries to con the referee with a theatrical tumble. Not a chance. Virat Kohli gets cautioned for diving, no one in the stadium was fooled. The free kick from Virat Kohli clears the defence and finds Borsalino in the danger area.

Usain Bolt spots the run from Borsalino and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! The admiral jumps the gun on Shrek's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Charlotte Linlin to Borsalino, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Saitama stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Shigeo Kageyama cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Goku once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 180 and 28, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show Ready Steady Can't Cook! To win an M&S dine-in-for-two deal, text 0800DINE and answer: 'How many times can you reheat a shepherd's pie before it becomes a health hazard?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Izuku Midoriya is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Oh dear oh dear! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Three-man routine: Sultan Kösen, Shigeo Kageyama and Sultan Kösen do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Short restart from the farmer to Saitama, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Saitama reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. The superhero lays it off first time to Shigeo Kageyama, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Shigeo Kageyama plays it simple to Charlotte Linlin, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. The player opens up to Saitama on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The superhero is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger.

Shrek keeps it short to Borsalino, no frills, just good football intelligence. The admiral plays it simple to Shigeo Kageyama, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Shigeo Kageyama curls a cross to the near post, Izuku Midoriya is lurking in the box. WHAT A HEADER from Izuku Midoriya! It fliiiiies... but it goes wide. The post was shaking. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

The squeeze is on, they've got the opposition pinned in their own box. Izuku Midoriya presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast.

Perfect parity. Shrek slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Charlotte Linlin watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Pamela from Solihull says twice is the legal limit and after that you're playing Russian roulette with leftovers. M&S dine-in deal for Pamela! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

The ship captain overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. The ship captain is illegally stopped in the box, PENALTY! In that position, when you force the defender into a foul inside the 18-yard box, you take the match by the SCRUFF. Moment of TRUTH! GOOOAL from the ship captain on the penalty! In that position, when you are the one taking the penalties and burying them, you are the boss of the team.

Almighty boot from Usain Bolt who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Lovely anticipation from the superhero who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Izuku Midoriya throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless.

The police officer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The police officer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Borsalino. Pure quality, as per usual.

Free kick crossed in by the farmer into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Usain Bolt wins the header and flicks it on for Charlotte Linlin. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Usain Bolt rolls it to Charlotte Linlin, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. High recovery from the police officer who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Shigeo Kageyama pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Brilliant little nugget — Charlotte Linlin has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 180, for the record. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' Second half underway and Usain Bolt is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Clearance from the farmer towards Usain Bolt, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Usain Bolt looks for Saitama but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. One laser pass from Usain Bolt and the entire defence is eliminated, Shrek is through on goal. The space is enormous.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. BY A WHISKER! Izuku Midoriya fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

Saitama tries a sombrero and it comes off, the defender is made to look foolish in front of everyone. Saitama takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. The superhero whips in a classic cross for Usain Bolt in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Failed dribble from the middle schooler, the defender recovers. It happens, but in that role you expect better decision-making. Sultan Kösen pushes the ball for a corner with a firm fingertip save! The keeper saves his team all on his own. Corner from Saitama, Shrek throws himself at it and heads it but it goes past the right post.

The farmer goes long for Usain Bolt, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Usain Bolt burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing.

Izuku Midoriya sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Shigeo Kageyama. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. The middle schooler bends the ball into the box for Izuku Midoriya. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. The farmer tips the strike around the post. In that position, when you have that level of reflexes, you are untouchable. The corner from Goku lands on the head of Borsalino but the ball flies over. He had to do better.

That's that, then. Virat Kohli trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Sultan Kösen hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

Lob from Monkey D. Luffy over the entire defence, Shigeo Kageyama is alone at the far side. Just needs to finish. Oh the OVERHEAD from Shigeo Kageyama! That is MAGNIFICENT! The cross from Goku is PERFECT, Shigeo Kageyama throws himself backwards like an acrobat and smashes the ball home! GOAL OF EXCEPTION, the crowd is DELIRIOUS!

Monkey D. Luffy runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Usain Bolt gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Izuku Midoriya plays off Usain Bolt, the return arrives right down the middle and Izuku Midoriya is free as a bird. Izuku Midoriya accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Dribble attempt aborted for Izuku Midoriya, the defender reads the play and steps in. The middle schooler intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one.

Absolutely bonkers ending, feels like a goal is coming every single second. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Charlotte Linlin spots Saitama peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive.

It's in the back of the net! Rio Malandro FC celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Sultan Kösen climbs onto Monkey D. Luffy's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Sultan Kösen circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

The free kick from Shigeo Kageyama is superb, it picks out Borsalino unmarked in the box. The admiral misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

Usain Bolt is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Usain Bolt: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Here's one that'll make you smile — Usain Bolt spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 40 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' Charlotte Linlin trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Clearance from Charlotte Linlin under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The farmer throws it out to Charlotte Linlin, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Raking ball from the police officer to Izuku Midoriya, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Izuku Midoriya slides it to Shigeo Kageyama, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Shigeo Kageyama beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. PENALTY! Shigeo Kageyama is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! Penalty saved on the middle schooler! In that position, having your penalty saved hurts, but it happens to the best of them. The farmer goes long for Goku, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Goku plays a low free kick into the box, Saitama cuts across to meet it in front of goal. The superhero heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. The superhero switches the play to Monkey D. Luffy, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Brilliant switch of play from Charlotte Linlin! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Izuku Midoriya. Izuku Midoriya whips in a cross at head height, Virat Kohli anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. The cricketer is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

Borsalino pings a long diagonal to Saitama, completely shifts the point of attack. Overlap and cross from Saitama, the ball drops at the feet of Izuku Midoriya in the heart of the box. Izuku Midoriya wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Rapid combination: Usain Bolt to Charlotte Linlin, the ball barely touches the grass between them. The police officer misplaces his pass to Virat Kohli, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. The cricketer slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position.

Level. Izuku Midoriya picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Charlotte Linlin waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

Intense pressing from the cricketer, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. Virat Kohli sees what nobody else sees and puts Charlotte Linlin through on goal with a genius through ball. GOAL for Charlotte Linlin! The ball was loose after the strike from Virat Kohli, he was on the prowl and pokes it in!

Virat Kohli sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Saitama photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Usain Bolt floats a ball towards Saitama but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Usain Bolt anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Usain Bolt unleashes a raking ball out to Goku, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

The farmer finds Shrek with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Shrek looks for Charlotte Linlin with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. Virat Kohli shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. The cricketer switches the play to Borsalino, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The admiral gets to the byline and floats one in for Goku. Crossing is his bread and butter.

Wall pass between the ship captain and Borsalino, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. Monkey D. Luffy finds the gap and serves Goku in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Goku strays offside by half a boot on Charlotte Linlin's pass, brutal decision! Short distribution from Sultan Kösen to Virat Kohli, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Phenomenal leap from Virat Kohli who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him.

Borsalino launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Monkey D. Luffy spots Goku in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. The farmer dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

Borsalino cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Saitama has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 28, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Virat Kohli squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

The superhero starts a one-two with Shigeo Kageyama, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. Cut-back from Izuku Midoriya along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Charlotte Linlin centrally. Firm pass from Charlotte Linlin into Shrek, right into the boots. No waste. Shrek bounces off Borsalino, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. Perfect cut-back from Shrek, Borsalino receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Sultan Kösen runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Virat Kohli gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Brilliant pass from Borsalino! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Saitama is onto it. Burst of speed from Saitama, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Huge whiff from Saitama! Goes to ground and the attacker just walks around him. Embarrassing. Goku makes the sacrifice! He brings down the onrushing attacker as the last man. Red card, but he saved a goal.

Sultan Kösen sparks the transition with a quick throw to Shrek, the break is lightning fast. Shrek rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. The player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Perfect pull-back from Shrek, Izuku Midoriya receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Sultan Kösen produces the goods! Reflex save, strong hand, nothing is getting past him!

Goku drops a lofted ball to Usain Bolt, it sails over the entire midfield line. Usain Bolt springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Enormous clearance from Usain Bolt inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Usain Bolt opens up to Shigeo Kageyama on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Superb leap from Shigeo Kageyama who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Good ball from the middle schooler to Virat Kohli, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Charlotte Linlin sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Shrek reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Shrek. Charlotte Linlin almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-2 (L)

Magnificent tackle from Shrek! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Blistering solo run from Shrek, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. Shrek winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

Shrek unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Shigeo Kageyama makes a heart sign with his hands. Sultan Kösen finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

GOAL for Milano Piano-Piano! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Sultan Kösen points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Charlotte Linlin comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Masterful reading from Usain Bolt who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. GOOOAL! Izuku Midoriya follows up the strike from Goku and toes it in at the back post! POACHER'S goal!

Usain Bolt scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Shrek is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. It falls apart for Monkey D. Luffy, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. Borsalino reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Monumental ball from Borsalino to Charlotte Linlin, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Shigeo Kageyama delivers an inswinging free kick, Usain Bolt at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Sultan Kösen climbs and grabs the ball with both hands. The cross is killed off, the danger is gone. Clearance from the farmer towards Monkey D. Luffy, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Sultan Kösen. And you, Virat Kohli. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Now here's a proper one — Sultan Kösen was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 180, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Charlotte Linlin knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Izuku Midoriya finds Borsalino between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Foul by Borsalino in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Izuku Midoriya delivers a tidy ball to Borsalino, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Short pass from the admiral to Usain Bolt, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Wall combination between Usain Bolt and Saitama, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Switch from Izuku Midoriya! The ball arcs over the midfield and Shigeo Kageyama collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal.

The farmer finds Shigeo Kageyama with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The middle schooler shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Goku. Pure quality, as per usual. The farmer rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great.

Well-taken corner from the ship captain but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The admiral finds Charlotte Linlin along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

It's there! Milano Piano-Piano hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Virat Kohli anticipates the run from Goku and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. The farmer is flagged offside by a whisker on Saitama's ball, agonising decision. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Quick exchange between Charlotte Linlin and Shigeo Kageyama, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

A draw. Shigeo Kageyama claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Shrek tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Saitama charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Saitama lays off for Izuku Midoriya who has all the time to pick his corner. What CLASS from Izuku Midoriya! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Solidarity move: Saitama grabs Goku who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Goku a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Intense pressing from Virat Kohli, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

Clearance from the farmer towards Charlotte Linlin, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Diagonal from Charlotte Linlin to Shrek, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Aerial duel won by Shrek, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender. Shrek launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

The farmer finds Shrek with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Shrek swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Izuku Midoriya, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Izuku Midoriya tries to pick out Goku on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Massive clearance from Saitama in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Clearance from the farmer towards Shigeo Kageyama, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Shigeo Kageyama changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Shrek. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. The player plays it simple to Usain Bolt, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Usain Bolt drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Virat Kohli read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Monkey D. Luffy is biting {his} nails in the corner. Goku stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. A cracking detail — Monkey D. Luffy, standing at 180, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' The second period begins and Shrek launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

They've scored again! Sevilla Olé-Olé are running riot and we can't cope.

Saitama produces a chest control into a roulette. That is pure art. Ball loss from the superhero on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on. Charlotte Linlin catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. Charlotte Linlin puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Saitama is there to finish.

Killer ball from Saitama through the gap! Shigeo Kageyama bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. The flag denies Shigeo Kageyama, offside by a toe on Borsalino's pass. Absolutely devastating! The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

Saitama slips Goku in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Through ball from the farmer for Izuku Midoriya, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. WOOOW Izuku Midoriya launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

With one swing of the boot, Usain Bolt finds Goku on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Goku sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. Oh what a challenge! Virat Kohli goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Virat Kohli switches the play to Charlotte Linlin on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Charlotte Linlin bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Goku wins the aerial battle.

Free kick from Virat Kohli, lovely delivery and Monkey D. Luffy rises above the defence. Monkey D. Luffy meets the cross from Saitama with his head but it goes over the bar!

Draw. Virat Kohli takes the time to shake every Sevilla Olé-Olé player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Izuku Midoriya follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Ten men in the box, this is the big all-in. Saitama attacks the inswinging cross from Izuku Midoriya and places a SURGICAL header into the far corner! GOAL!

Saitama runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Virat Kohli joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Monster clearance from Sultan Kösen, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Shigeo Kageyama. Long ball from Shigeo Kageyama to Goku, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Quick one-two between Goku and Monkey D. Luffy, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Monkey D. Luffy beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong.

Shigeo Kageyama sends the free kick in front of goal, Shrek leaps to try the header. The player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Overlap from the ship captain with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Monkey D. Luffy dinks a lobbed cross for Izuku Midoriya, the ball clears everyone and drops perfectly.

The farmer delivers the corner and it's pandemonium! In that position, a quality delivery into the danger zone is exactly what you need. Charlotte Linlin curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Emergency clearance from Borsalino, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Sultan Kösen sends an absolute rocket towards Shigeo Kageyama, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Error from the middle schooler, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Virat Kohli winces. Sultan Kösen looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. A peculiar superstition from Goku — he has to tap the crossbar three times and whisper 'come on then' before every match. Nobody knows who he's talking to. The kitman thinks it's the ghost of a Victorian goalkeeper. He's been doing it since he was seventeen. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' Out they come. Izuku Midoriya has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

The police officer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Foul by Goku on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick.

With one swing of the boot, Monkey D. Luffy finds Shrek on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Shrek with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Shrek boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

Unbelievable! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Raw emotion: Sultan Kösen cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Usain Bolt crouches beside him and speaks softly. Sultan Kösen jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Clearance from the farmer towards Shrek, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Shrek attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. What a tackle by Usain Bolt! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Usain Bolt clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

The player lays it off first time to Shigeo Kageyama, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Shigeo Kageyama reads the movement from Virat Kohli and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Good cross from the cricketer for Shigeo Kageyama in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Oh what a mess from Shigeo Kageyama's corner! Nobody can get a clean touch, a defender hacks it clear!

Long ball from Sultan Kösen for Saitama who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Lovely use of the ball by Saitama, finding Usain Bolt in a tight pocket of space. Quality. One touch football: Usain Bolt to Izuku Midoriya, faster than the opposition can think. Lightning overlap from Izuku Midoriya, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Pinpoint delivery from the superhero towards Shigeo Kageyama, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Perfect parity. Sultan Kösen slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Monkey D. Luffy watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

Goku picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him. PENALTY! The defender brings Goku down in the box with a CLUMSY tackle! The referee blows immediately. The match could pivot on this very MOMENT! GOAL! Goku CONVERTS like a pro! Powerful penalty into the corner, the keeper is beaten. NO EMOTION!

Usain Bolt intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. GOOOOAL! Monkey D. Luffy aims like a top finisher. The keeper was on the line but the ball went past him, in the net!

Rehearsed move all week: Usain Bolt and Izuku Midoriya stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Sultan Kösen plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

It's there! London Three-Pints tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Raw emotion: Sultan Kösen cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Shrek crouches beside him and speaks softly. Sultan Kösen jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

The admiral plays it simple to Virat Kohli, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The cricketer pulls it back along the ground for Shrek. The low cut-back is his trademark.

Superb defensive work from Usain Bolt there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Majestic individual run from Usain Bolt, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Crafty ball from Usain Bolt into the gap, Goku arrives into the space and collects on the move.

The gaffer points at Charlotte Linlin: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Charlotte Linlin clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. The 28-year-old Monkey D. Luffy adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Monkey D. Luffy trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Borsalino is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Sultan Kösen hoofs it forward towards Goku, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Sideways ball from Goku to Izuku Midoriya, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Good ball from Izuku Midoriya to Borsalino, playing it quick between the lines. The overlap from Borsalino, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Borsalino drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Shrek.

Virat Kohli opts for the short pass to Izuku Midoriya instead of shooting, catches everyone by surprise. Izuku Midoriya links up with Borsalino, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The farmer goes long for Virat Kohli, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Virat Kohli wants to find Monkey D. Luffy between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. The ship captain reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Raking ball from the ship captain to Saitama, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Good delivery from Saitama off the left flank, Izuku Midoriya positions himself between the two centre-halves.

GOAAAL! London Three-Pints make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Sultan Kösen climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Virat Kohli films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Virat Kohli nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Virat Kohli picks out Usain Bolt with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Acceleration from Usain Bolt down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. The cross from Usain Bolt is gathered by the keeper without the slightest difficulty. Pointless.

They've nicked a goal! London Three-Pints catch us cold on the break.

Solidarity move: Sultan Kösen grabs Shrek who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Shrek a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Hold on, VAR is having a look at this! The referee's got his hand to his earpiece. The ref reviewed the footage and pulls out the red, Usain Bolt is gutted on the pitch! What on earth is Usain Bolt doing?! He's just elbowed the opponent in the face. He's off! Usain Bolt plays the free kick short and fast to Borsalino, they catch everyone on the hop.

The ship captain dinks his cross over the centre-backs for Izuku Midoriya. The kind of ball that changes the course of a match at the highest level. Volley from the superhero! Gorgeous technique but it doesn't go in. In that role, the crowd applaud the audacity even though it missed. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

It's over and London Three-Pints take the points. Shrek shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Charlotte Linlin walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.