Mga — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Mga | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Phoenix No-Defense | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... Mga! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for LeBron James! Picture this: standing at 206 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Jesus Christ, his brother-in-law and a messiah by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Jesus Christ can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Financially, this team is operating in another dimension. The salary cap? Never heard of it. The luxury tax? Paid with a smile. The owner sold two of his yachts to fund this roster and he'd do it again tomorrow morning. Every player on this bench earns more in a week than most people do in a year, and not a single one of them is here to ride the pine. This is a team built to win NOW. Not tomorrow, not next season. Tonight.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-124 (L)
Stephen Curry, this All-Star caliber talent, embraces the standing ovation! Game on!
A scoop layup attempt by Dirk Nowitzki falls short! Injury-prone body in the legs!
This basketball god LeBron James loses concentration and the ball with it!
Jesus Christ gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
LeBron James fires away angrily after the turnover! This basketball god spiraling!
Back in the locker room, LeBron James sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: LeBron James lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Dirk Nowitzki, this reliable star, sends the damn ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Stephen Curry, this All-Star caliber talent, is dragging! The 4 periods of 12 minutes minutes taking their toll!
Dirk Nowitzki passes to nobody! This bonafide star with a head-scratching decision!
Dirk Nowitzki, this towering presence, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Jesus Christ wipes a tear! A messiah who poured everything into the effort!
LeBron James stares at the floor while Jesus Christ mutters something inaudible under his breath. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
119-101 (W)
Tip-off! Jesus Christ gets us started! Let's go!
Hulk gets the friendly bounce! Even the pill respects a scientist!
Hulk, this guy with rings on every finger, pokes the Wilson free! Scramble from the right corner!
Dirk Nowitzki with the skip pass! Assist leads to an open devastating dunk!
Hulk executes an isolation-heavy offense perfectly! Precision learned as a scientist!
Halftime. The doctor examines Jesus Christ's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Exclusive: Jesus Christ was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Dirk Nowitzki attacks in transition and finishes with an alley-oop! Too good!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James has the arena rocking! A standing ovation off the charts!
Dirk Nowitzki sacrifices the body taking the charge! This multi-time All-Star ultimate teammate!
The legend of Stephen Curry grows! This All-Star caliber talent adding another chapter from the right corner!
It's over! Jesus Christ delivers the goods! This guy with rings on every finger walks off a winner!
Stephen Curry and Dirk Nowitzki do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
128-83 (W)
Hulk, this guy with rings on every finger, draws first blood! A bank shot to start!
A pull-up jumper from Jesus Christ! That's a gym-rat work ethic at the highest level!
Dirk Nowitzki, this franchise guy, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! Natural-born leadership!
Hulk with the reverse layup! Creative as a scientist with the hidden truth!
Hulk disrupts the play! Maximum disruption, the scientist is wreaking havoc!
Break! Dirk Nowitzki has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know Dirk Nowitzki plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Stephen Curry with the smooth scoop layup! This big-name player making it look easy!
LeBron James with the cherry on top! A floater in a blowout! Good night!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ passes to the opponent! Gift exchange from downtown!
Stephen Curry pumps the fist! This big-name player feeling it back to the basket! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd!
Hulk is named player of the game! The scientist is also the star!
Hulk and LeBron James fake a wrestling match. Dirk Nowitzki plays the referee and calls a timeout. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
119-73 (W)
This world-class player Dirk Nowitzki comes out firing! An off-balance shot in the first minute!
Dirk Nowitzki, this top-tier talent, exploits the mismatch for an and-one! Too easy!
Stephen Curry drives and finds the trailer for a double-clutch layup! Great awareness!
LeBron James with the crafty sky hook! A killer instinct on display!
Dirk Nowitzki, this absolute unit, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by silky smooth technique!
That's a wrap for now. Stephen Curry dives into the tunnel. Little secret: Stephen Curry has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
This all-time great Hulk erupts for a finger roll! The floodgates are open!
Stephen Curry posts up without breaking a sweat! This headliner cruise control!
Jesus Christ just compared this conference classic to a day of competing the game! Accurate?
Dirk Nowitzki blows a kiss to the fans! Cool as you like, a team high-five!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
LeBron James pretends to faint from happiness. Dirk Nowitzki pretends to call 911. I learned tonight that LeBron James used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
107-101 (W)
Dirk Nowitzki shoots with energy from the opening whistle! This elite player locked in!
Dirk Nowitzki scores with natural-born leadership. A fadeaway jumper from the right corner! Too smooth!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, blankets the shooter back to the basket! No daylight!
LeBron James posts up into the lane and kicks out! Scary good handles and great decision-making!
Jesus Christ makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true messiah!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Stephen Curry picks up the pace. Fun fact: Stephen Curry is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Hulk scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a scientist!
Dirk Nowitzki, this oversized freak, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, holds the team together with natural-born leadership! Captain!
Hulk spins with elegance and power! This all-time great is the complete package!
Jesus Christ wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their bare hands and the leather!
Dirk Nowitzki runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Jesus Christ follows doing the wave alone. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
116-96 (W)
Hulk bounces the orange pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Hulk spins the orange with flair and hits a pull-up jumper! Sensational!
LeBron James plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this once-in-a-lifetime player!
LeBron James threads the needle! Beautiful assist back to the basket! Unreal court vision!
Jesus Christ posts up into the right spacing! Freakish explosiveness and elite court awareness!
Halftime. Hulk glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Confession: Hulk calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Stephen Curry with an incredible pull-up jumper along the baseline! Standing ovation!
What an wild stands! Dirk Nowitzki and the fans creating a spectacle!
This multi-time All-Star Dirk Nowitzki swings the ball around! Nerves of steel ball movement!
This living legend LeBron James refuses to lose! The will of a champion!
Stephen Curry, this certified bucket, embraces the teammates! A raised fist! Sweet victory!
Hulk takes Dirk Nowitzki by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
106-93 (W)
Dirk Nowitzki takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Hulk turns beyond the arc into a workshop. A devastating dunk crafted with their lab notebook!
Jesus Christ hounds the ball handler! Tenacious as a messiah with their bare hands!
This multi-time All-Star Dirk Nowitzki with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
This undisputed superstar Hulk attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Halftime! Jesus Christ checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Jesus Christ is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Jesus Christ with the decisive sky hook! An off-the-charts basketball IQ when it matters most!
The crowd is on its feet! An electric crowd as LeBron James takes the court!
Jesus Christ fights through the screen for the team! That messiah toughness right there!
Jesus Christ's messiah colleagues watch from the stands, the game banners held high!
Jesus Christ, this guy with rings on every finger, soaks in the moment! Victory driving to the hoop! A fist pump toward the bench!
Dirk Nowitzki and Hulk form a tunnel for LeBron James to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
105-90 (W)
Game time! Stephen Curry and this established star ready to put on a show at the venue!
Stephen Curry drains a fadeaway jumper at the buzzer! Textbook eyes in the back of the head!
Jesus Christ reads the play perfectly! That messiah brain working overtime!
Dirk Nowitzki whips the pass cross-court! Assist! This tower seeing everything!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Break! Hulk rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Fun fact: Hulk blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Jesus Christ hooks it in! The arc of a messiah swinging their bare hands!
LeBron James, this long boy, basks in a sold-out gym on fire! This is home!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ tips it to the teammate! An off-the-charts basketball IQ on full display!
The evolution of Jesus Christ: competing the game taught patience. The court taught glory!
Dirk Nowitzki, this certified bucket, with the post-game interview smile! Freakish explosiveness all night!
Stephen Curry does the floss while Jesus Christ spins like a top. LeBron James just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
110-103 (W)
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, sets the tone immediately! Insane court vision from the jump!
LeBron James, this titan, rises above and hammers a floater!
Hulk jumps into the passing lane! A clutch steal! Huge play!
Jesus Christ picks apart the defense! Assist leads to a hook shot!
This big-name player Dirk Nowitzki recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Break! Stephen Curry rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Fun fact: Stephen Curry failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Stephen Curry scores at will! A two-handed slam from the left corner! This max-contract guy domination!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Dirk Nowitzki gets hot!
Hulk, this solid build, sets the perfect screen! Silky smooth technique for the team!
Tears in the crowd as Jesus Christ, the humble messiah, delivers on the decisive possession!
This bonafide star Dirk Nowitzki is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Stephen Curry and Hulk fake a wrestling match. Dirk Nowitzki plays the referee and calls a timeout. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
116-96 (W)
This undisputed superstar LeBron James means business! Fast start from downtown!
What a play by Stephen Curry! A buzzer-beater back to the basket! This elite player is cooking!
LeBron James, this beanpole, contests everything from downtown! Night-in night-out consistency on full display!
Jesus Christ creates the opportunity! Building something special tonight!
This all-time great LeBron James calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Halftime! Dirk Nowitzki is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know Dirk Nowitzki plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
This multi-time All-Star Dirk Nowitzki does it again! A deep three with effortless precision!
You can cut the tension with a knife! A packed arena as Stephen Curry steps up!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, repositions on defense! An unmatched feel for the game collective effort!
Jesus Christ reminds us that greatness comes from loving what you do! The messiah knows!
Dirk Nowitzki hugs the coach! This guy everybody knows with a complete performance!
Hulk hits a dab in 2026. Dirk Nowitzki does an ironic dab. Jesus Christ has no idea what that is. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
118-103 (W)
This All-Star caliber talent Dirk Nowitzki gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Hulk attacks through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Hulk walls up in the high post! Immovable as their lab notebook bolted down!
This reliable star Dirk Nowitzki with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
LeBron James, this guy with rings on every finger, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Silky smooth technique!
Rest time. LeBron James isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Locker room anecdote: LeBron James talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry with a picture-perfect hook shot! The crowd goes wild!
Deafening noise! LeBron James rises up and the building shakes!
Jesus Christ barks out defensive calls! The voice of their bare hands echoes across the gym!
Two worlds collide: the game and the rock, united by Jesus Christ!
Dirk Nowitzki penetrates the trophy! This certified bucket adds to the collection! A team high-five!
Dirk Nowitzki drops to his knees and kisses the court. Stephen Curry pretends to gag. Tonight I learned Dirk Nowitzki used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
106-105 (W)
LeBron James steps back into position! This household name not wasting any time!
LeBron James strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
LeBron James, this titan, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Injury-prone body!
Dirk Nowitzki, this walking skyscraper, overpowers for an alley-oop! Size matters!
Hulk manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their lab notebook on the hidden truth!
Break! Stephen Curry grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Physio's confession: Stephen Curry purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
This franchise guy Stephen Curry puts the dagger in! During crunch time an off-balance shot! It's over!
Hulk with the help-side double team! This potential GOAT always in position!
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk brings palpable tension to a new level! Incredible scene!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, with the clutch two-handed slam! The building erupts!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James secures the win with ridiculous creativity! Another one in the bag!
Dirk Nowitzki hugs the mascot. Stephen Curry hugs the referee. Awkward. Tonight I learned Dirk Nowitzki used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
99-111 (L)
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry opens the scoring! A thunderous slam! Early advantage!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, fumbles the finish at half court! Back to the drawing board!
Hulk tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Injury-prone body in the decision-making!
Dirk Nowitzki falls asleep on the weak side! Lack of consistency exposed!
Dirk Nowitzki explodes the leather with a gym-rat work ethic. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
That's a cut. Hulk stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Quick anecdote about Hulk: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
This All-Star caliber talent Dirk Nowitzki hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from way beyond the arc!
Dirk Nowitzki with a wild attempt! This certified bucket not finding the range tonight!
Dirk Nowitzki reads the defense perfectly! Unreal swagger and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Dirk Nowitzki, this max-contract guy, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, trudges off the hardwood. Lessons to take from this one.
Stephen Curry shakes Jesus Christ's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
99-100 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Hulk comes out aggressive! Opens with a deep three driving to the hoop!
Dirk Nowitzki pulls up and drills a sky hook! Can't teach that!
LeBron James gets caught flat-footed! This potential GOAT beaten to the spot!
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, pulls the trigger on the low block but no luck!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James draws the charge! Momentum swinging under the basket!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Hulk to massage his thighs. True story: Hulk had his parking spot stolen by San Antonio Skyscrapers's mascot. Still talks about it. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This headliner Stephen Curry gets the look but can't convert! Sometimes predictable game at the worst time!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, throws the hands up! Exasperated back to the basket!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, evolves before our eyes! An All-Star Game worthy play!
Hulk bricks it when it matters! Their lab notebook accuracy went home early!
Dirk Nowitzki sits alone on the bench. This big-name player processing the defeat.
Hulk whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Dirk Nowitzki nods without conviction. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-129 (L)
Dirk Nowitzki, this established star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Hulk forces a bad buzzer beater! This global icon needs to trust teammates!
Hulk turns it over in the paint! Butterfingers from this scientist!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ commits the and-one foul! Limited stamina in positioning!
Jesus Christ stares in disbelief! The look of a messiah who just lost everything!
The locker room fills up. Jesus Christ has already eaten three oranges. Exclusive: Jesus Christ was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Dirk Nowitzki, this 7-footer, wastes a golden chance with a wild two-handed slam!
Dirk Nowitzki short-arms the shot from fatigue! This jersey-selling name has nothing left!
Stephen Curry with the errant pass! This elite player needs to settle down!
Hulk argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to discoverring the hidden truth!
Hulk walks off in defeat! Even a scientist's skills couldn't save tonight!
Hulk unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Stephen Curry runs a hand down his face. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Mga ends the season #5 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... Mga!
Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for LeBron James! Picture this: standing at 206 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Jesus Christ, his brother-in-law and a messiah by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Jesus Christ can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
Financially, this team is operating in another dimension. The salary cap? Never heard of it. The luxury tax? Paid with a smile. The owner sold two of his yachts to fund this roster and he'd do it again tomorrow morning. Every player on this bench earns more in a week than most people do in a year, and not a single one of them is here to ride the pine. This is a team built to win NOW. Not tomorrow, not next season. Tonight.
Mga ends the season #5 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
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