VOID MILANO — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Houston Blast-Off | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | VOID MILANO | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... VOID MILANO! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Jeffery N. Epstein. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Johnny Sins. The man is a tv host. Yes, you heard that right. A tv host. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Johnny Sins had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
73-118 (L)
Adolf Hitler posts up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this potential GOAT!
Adolf Hitler gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the soldier touch can't save that one!
Charlie Kirk with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Donald Trump beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the next venture slipping from an investor!
Adolf Hitler argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to defending the front line!
End of the first act. Johnny Sins is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Fun fact: Johnny Sins got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Johnny Sins can't hit from the elbow! That zone is cursed for this tv host!
This rising star Jeffery N. Epstein can barely jump! The springs are gone in transition!
Charlie Kirk with the backcourt violation! A conspiracy theorist going backwards with the game!
Charlie Kirk dribbles the towel! This certified GOAT candidate showing heavy feet!
Donald Trump vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their portfolio ledger reinforced with the next venture!
Charlie Kirk unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Adolf Hitler runs a hand down his face. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
74-118 (L)
Donald Trump, this guy with rings on every finger, embraces the hostile crowd! Game on!
Johnny Sins misfires in the paint! Their bare hands calibration needed!
Turnover by Jeffery N. Epstein! Investigating the unknown variable requires less coordination, clearly!
Adolf Hitler, this pocket rocket, can't keep up with the speed! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Charlie Kirk glares at the leather! Like it personally betrayed this conspiracy theorist!
Halftime whistle! Jeffery N. Epstein grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Rumor has it Jeffery N. Epstein does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Donald Trump misses during crunch time! An investor dropping the next venture at the worst time!
Johnny Sins tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a tv host's energy for the game!
Jeffery N. Epstein with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost researcher!
This newcomer Jeffery N. Epstein fouls hard out of frustration! Limited stamina showing!
Charlie Kirk shoots to the tunnel in disappointment. This undisputed superstar will learn from this.
Donald Trump is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Johnny Sins waits at the tunnel entrance. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Donald Trump's name. Forgive me. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
83-128 (L)
This potential GOAT Charlie Kirk in the starting lineup! Let's see what this potential GOAT brings!
Donald Trump shoots but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Charlie Kirk with the errant pass! This living legend needs to settle down!
Johnny Sins can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Johnny Sins, this short king, throws the hands up! Exasperated at half court!
Halftime whistle! Charlie Kirk slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Charlie Kirk blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Adolf Hitler can't convert! The soldier's touch with the front line deserted them!
Jeffery N. Epstein is gassed! More tired than after a full day of investigating the unknown variable!
Intercepted! Charlie Kirk's pass snatched right out of the air! A conspiracy theorist would never be that careless!
Adolf Hitler tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the soldier will bounce back!
Jeffery N. Epstein hangs their head! A researcher who gave everything they had!
Charlie Kirk stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Johnny Sins exhales. Again. And again. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
76-117 (L)
Adolf Hitler huddles with the team! Huddling up, the soldier strategizes!
Donald Trump can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the next venture, an investor always hits!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Adolf Hitler with turnover number lengths ahead! Injury-prone body is piling up!
Donald Trump loses their assignment! Like losing their portfolio ledger in the workshop!
This player on the come-up Johnny Sins gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
First half is done. Charlie Kirk is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Exclusive: Charlie Kirk was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Donald Trump rattles it out! Shaking the gymnasium with their portfolio ledger intensity!
Charlie Kirk is visibly tired! This guy with rings on every finger needs a timeout badly!
Johnny Sins fades away into a dead end back to the basket! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Jeffery N. Epstein shakes their head! A researcher who can't believe that just happened!
Charlie Kirk reflects on what could have been. Heavy feet the difference tonight.
Charlie Kirk's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Adolf Hitler hides his eyes under a towel. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
80-125 (L)
Adolf Hitler looks dialed in from the start! Next-level basketball IQ preparation showing!
Adolf Hitler misses! Even a soldier can't fix that shot!
Adolf Hitler botches the handoff! Even their service rifle exchanges go smoother!
Johnny Sins watches helplessly! A tv host watching the game fall off the shelf!
Adolf Hitler stares in disbelief! The look of a soldier who just lost everything!
Into the tunnel. Donald Trump grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: Donald Trump threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Charlie Kirk misses from the corner! From the right corner is no place for their bare hands!
Charlie Kirk, this tweener, looks exhausted under the basket! The legs are gone!
Charlie Kirk forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Johnny Sins, this short king, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Johnny Sins walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to tv host life tomorrow!
Johnny Sins rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Charlie Kirk picks up his own and folds it carefully. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
86-116 (L)
The game begins and Adolf Hitler is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
Adolf Hitler misses the layup! Even the front line would have gone in easier!
Charlie Kirk trips up in the elbow! A conspiracy theorist never trips at work... Right?
Donald Trump caught flat-footed! Standing still, the investor reflexes took a nap!
Adolf Hitler dunks through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Halftime whistle! Jeffery N. Epstein slides down against the hallway wall. Staff confession: Jeffery N. Epstein is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Donald Trump, this once-in-a-lifetime player, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
Johnny Sins, this little firecracker, can't finish back to the basket! That one stings!
Donald Trump sets the screen with precision worthy of their portfolio ledger! Tactical genius!
Charlie Kirk gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a conspiracy theorist begging the game for mercy!
Charlie Kirk, this smooth operator, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a killer instinct effort.
Donald Trump takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Jeffery N. Epstein doesn't drink. Throat too tight. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
76-117 (L)
Jeffery N. Epstein wins the opening tip! Tipping off with researcher energy!
Johnny Sins, this established player, comes up empty! A scoop layup off target facing the rim!
Johnny Sins coughs up the pill! Sometimes predictable game strikes again under the basket!
Jeffery N. Epstein fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a researcher chasing the unknown variable!
Johnny Sins throws their hands up! Like a tv host when their bare hands breaks!
Halftime whistle. Donald Trump flops into the first available chair. Juicy anecdote: Donald Trump was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This guy with rings on every finger Adolf Hitler muscles up a bucket but can't get it to fall!
Adolf Hitler stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a soldier over the front line!
Johnny Sins gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a tv host's grip!
Donald Trump slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an investor hits the workbench!
Charlie Kirk sits alone on the bench. This global icon processing the defeat.
Charlie Kirk bites the inside of his cheek. Jeffery N. Epstein pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
85-129 (L)
Johnny Sins opens with a catch-and-shoot triple! This next-level player making an early statement!
Jeffery N. Epstein bricks it! Not the same accuracy as investigating the unknown variable!
Adolf Hitler, this scrappy guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the top of the key!
This guy with rings on every finger Donald Trump misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Jeffery N. Epstein dishes away from the huddle! This dark horse in a dark place mentally!
Heading in. Charlie Kirk's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know? Charlie Kirk once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Johnny Sins can't finish! The tv host who finishes the game can't finish the play!
Donald Trump grimaces through the effort! The grimace of an investor finishing the next venture!
Adolf Hitler with a wild pass that sails out! This basketball god giving it away!
Adolf Hitler walks away muttering! Muttering about the front line under their breath!
Donald Trump leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as an investor after the next venture setback!
Johnny Sins's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Donald Trump hides his eyes under a towel. Tonight I had a revelation: Donald Trump runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
84-128 (L)
Adolf Hitler steps onto the gymnasium! From defending the front line to this, game time!
Johnny Sins denied by the basket! Even a tv host can't pry it open!
Charlie Kirk with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Adolf Hitler falls asleep on the weak side! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Charlie Kirk, this smooth operator, waves off the play call! Occasional mental lapses hurting the team!
Halftime! Donald Trump checks his stats on the board and winces. Anecdote: Donald Trump lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Johnny Sins posts up but it's well off! Ego the size of Texas under fatigue!
Donald Trump dishes but can't sustain the effort! Ego the size of Texas emptying the tank!
This potential GOAT Charlie Kirk commits the 5-second violation! Clock management heavy feet!
Donald Trump picks up the second technical! This potential GOAT ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
Adolf Hitler walks off in defeat! Even a soldier's skills couldn't save tonight!
Charlie Kirk refuses Houston Blast-Off's handshake. Johnny Sins offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
85-129 (L)
Charlie Kirk checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Adolf Hitler can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the Spalding differently than the front line!
Donald Trump turns it over at with seconds left on the clock! An investor dropping their portfolio ledger at the worst time!
Donald Trump gets burned on the drive! Tendency to rush in lateral movement!
Adolf Hitler is visibly upset! Upset as a soldier when the front line goes sideways!
Halftime. Johnny Sins is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Johnny Sins does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Charlie Kirk can't convert the open shot! Competing the game is way easier!
Donald Trump, this undisputed superstar, sucking wind after that sprint! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of battle!
Johnny Sins commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Adolf Hitler kicks the air! The frustration of a soldier who knows they can do better!
Johnny Sins consoles teammates! The heart of a tv host in that moment!
Johnny Sins takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Donald Trump doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
89-133 (L)
Opening possession for Jeffery N. Epstein! First touch, like first touch of their lab notebook!
Johnny Sins goes 0 for the quarter! A tv host having a rough shift with their bare hands!
Stolen from Donald Trump! An investor who let it slip through their fingers!
Johnny Sins gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
This certified GOAT candidate Adolf Hitler can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
The players head to the locker room. Donald Trump is sweating like a racehorse. Little secret: Donald Trump watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Charlie Kirk, this do-it-all player, bobbles the leather and the chance evaporates back to the basket!
Jeffery N. Epstein powers through! The researcher in them won't quit on the unknown variable!
This absolute legend Donald Trump loses concentration and the rock with it!
Jeffery N. Epstein slams the Wilson in frustration! Hot head on full display!
This first-ballot legend Donald Trump leaves the field house with head held high. Fought to the end.
Jeffery N. Epstein lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Adolf Hitler holds his in. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
76-121 (L)
Johnny Sins gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a tv host on day one!
Air ball from Charlie Kirk! Being a conspiracy theorist doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Donald Trump with the backcourt violation! This absolute legend under too much pressure!
Adolf Hitler, this miniature missile, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over limited stamina!
Adolf Hitler, this living legend, yells at the coaching staff! Shaky emotions under pressure causing friction!
The locker room. Jeffery N. Epstein sprawls out full-length on the bench. Intel: Jeffery N. Epstein once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Brick! Charlie Kirk misfires under the basket! Heavy feet at the worst time!
Charlie Kirk struggles in overtime! The conspiracy theorist hitting the wall with the game!
Jeffery N. Epstein loses the Spalding! A researcher would never be this careless!
Donald Trump vents at their teammates! The investor who vents about the next venture!
Jeffery N. Epstein blows past past the media. This raw talent not in the mood to talk.
Charlie Kirk clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Adolf Hitler fidgets with his wristband nervously. I learned that Charlie Kirk's father was a conspiracy theorist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-126 (L)
Charlie Kirk begins their shift on the court! A conspiracy theorist starting the their bare hands shift!
Jeffery N. Epstein with a wild attempt! This potential breakout star not finding the range tonight!
Charlie Kirk throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the conspiracy theorist got too confident!
Jeffery N. Epstein gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the unknown variable on a rough day!
Adolf Hitler mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Halftime! Donald Trump looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Little secret: Donald Trump has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Johnny Sins bobbles and misses! Fumbling the leather like it's a Monday morning!
Charlie Kirk looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a conspiracy theorist relieved of their bare hands!
Jeffery N. Epstein turns it over in the paint! Butterfingers from this researcher!
Johnny Sins takes off angrily after the turnover! This hooper's hooper spiraling!
Donald Trump had the chances but couldn't convert. This potential GOAT left wanting.
Donald Trump sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Jeffery N. Epstein winces. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-126 (L)
And we're underway! Jeffery N. Epstein touches the damn ball first! This dude out of nowhere looks eager!
Jeffery N. Epstein can't buy a bucket! Maybe the unknown variable would be easier to aim!
Adolf Hitler explodes into a trap! Injury-prone body when reading the defense!
Jeffery N. Epstein bites on the fake! Fooled like a researcher by counterfeit the unknown variable!
This unknown gem Jeffery N. Epstein hangs the head after the miss! Deflated facing the rim!
Back in the locker room, Johnny Sins sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: Johnny Sins once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Jeffery N. Epstein fires and misses facing the rim. Should have stuck with the unknown variable!
Johnny Sins grabs the shorts! This legit talent is running on fumes!
Jeffery N. Epstein gets picked! A researcher getting the unknown variable stolen in broad daylight!
Johnny Sins waves off the play! The authority of a tv host in that gesture!
Jeffery N. Epstein walks off in silence. This guy nobody was talking about gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jeffery N. Epstein pulls his cap down over his eyes. Adolf Hitler doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Tonight I had a revelation: Adolf Hitler runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-131 (L)
This basketball god Donald Trump gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Jeffery N. Epstein launches a finger roll and... Airball! Ego the size of Texas at its peak!
Adolf Hitler, this undersized dog, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
Donald Trump gets blown by! Even an investor couldn't stop that!
Charlie Kirk storms to the bench! Heated! This conspiracy theorist doesn't handle losing well!
Halftime. Donald Trump wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Juicy intel: Donald Trump turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Jeffery N. Epstein misses the free throw! Investigating the unknown variable under pressure is easier!
This guy nobody was talking about Jeffery N. Epstein signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Heavy feet!
Johnny Sins double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Adolf Hitler glares at the scoreboard! This global icon not happy with the situation!
Jeffery N. Epstein, this total unknown, takes the loss hard. Defense that's basically a suggestion at the wrong moments.
Adolf Hitler whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Donald Trump nods without conviction. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
VOID MILANO finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffery N. Epstein.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... VOID MILANO!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Jeffery N. Epstein. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Johnny Sins. The man is a tv host. Yes, you heard that right. A tv host. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Johnny Sins had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
VOID MILANO finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffery N. Epstein.
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