f — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | f | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... F! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Jesus Christ. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. The chef's surprise of the evening is André the Giant. A wrestler by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle mat canvas with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-130 (L)
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, is introduced and the arena explodes! This absolute legend is in the building!
Godzilla forces up a finger roll over the defense! Occasional mental lapses! Bad decision!
André the Giant trips up in the corner! A wrestler never trips at work... Right?
Jesus Christ loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Godzilla, this headliner, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
Break. King Kong collapses next to the vending machine. I've been told King Kong once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
André the Giant misfires! The wrestler's precision with the mat canvas is nowhere to be found!
André the Giant, this guy with a proven track record, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Godzilla coughs up the Spalding! Tendency to rush strikes again off the pick and roll!
This All-Star caliber talent Godzilla gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!
Godzilla stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. André the Giant exhales. Again. And again. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
76-117 (L)
Jesus Christ bounces the ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Martin Luther King Jr. Goes 0 for the quarter! A civil rights activist having a rough shift with their bare hands!
Martin Luther King Jr. Dishes the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this global icon!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, gets exploited in the switch! Injury-prone body exposed in the mismatch!
Godzilla picks up the second technical! This world-class player ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
Halftime whistle! Godzilla slides down against the hallway wall. Quick anecdote about Godzilla: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
André the Giant, this solid pro, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
King Kong is visibly tired! This max-contract guy needs a timeout badly!
Jesus Christ passes to nobody! This first-ballot legend with a head-scratching decision!
André the Giant buries their face! Hidden from view, the wrestler can't watch!
André the Giant tips the cap to the winners! The wrestler's grace with the mat canvas!
André the Giant scratches the back of his neck nervously. Godzilla has the look of someone who has seen things. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
89-111 (L)
King Kong, this do-it-all player, takes the court! The wild stands is electric!
An off-balance shot attempt by Godzilla falls short! Lack of consistency in the legs!
Godzilla pulls up into a trap! Occasional mental lapses when reading the defense!
King Kong, this all-around player, can't keep up with the speed! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
André the Giant nails a step-back three at late in the quarter! A wrestler who delivers when it matters!
Finally a breather. Jesus Christ has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know Jesus Christ keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Godzilla mutters to himself walking back! This jersey-selling name fighting inner demons!
Martin Luther King Jr. Shoots the pill awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this all-time great!
King Kong, this combo guard, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
King Kong is cramping up! This max-contract guy trying to shake it off! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This basketball god Martin Luther King Jr. Stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this basketball god wanted.
Jesus Christ bites the inside of his cheek. Godzilla pinches the bridge of his nose. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
86-127 (L)
The game begins and Jesus Christ is ready! You can see scary good handles written all over his face!
A step-back three by Jesus Christ along the baseline is way off! Tough night for this household name!
André the Giant botches the handoff! Even the rosin bag exchanges go smoother!
Martin Luther King Jr. Lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this guy with rings on every finger fooled!
This household name Martin Luther King Jr. Hangs the head after the miss! Deflated under the basket!
Back to the locker room. Martin Luther King Jr.'s shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Quick anecdote about Martin Luther King Jr.: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Godzilla, this world-class player, comes up empty! A layup off target at the top of the key!
This multi-time All-Star King Kong is a warrior but the body says no! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of war!
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, fumbles the entry pass driving to the hoop!
King Kong slams the leather in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Martin Luther King Jr. Rises up to the tunnel in disappointment. This potential GOAT will learn from this.
Jesus Christ is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Godzilla waits at the tunnel entrance. Tonight I had a revelation: Godzilla runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
74-119 (L)
Godzilla, this top-tier talent, draws first blood! A thunderous slam to start!
King Kong crosses over but the shot rims out! Lack of consistency rears its ugly head!
This player making noise André the Giant loses concentration and the damn ball with it!
André the Giant watches helplessly! A wrestler watching the mat canvas fall off the shelf!
Jesus Christ throws their hands up! Like a messiah when their bare hands breaks!
Both teams head in. André the Giant has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Exclusive info: André the Giant is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Martin Luther King Jr. Fires and misses from the low block. Should have stuck with the game!
King Kong dishes but the legs won't cooperate! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Jesus Christ loses the Spalding! A messiah would never be this careless!
This living legend Martin Luther King Jr. Shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Martin Luther King Jr. Looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a civil rights activist!
Jesus Christ mutters 'damn' under his breath. Godzilla says 'yeah' in the same tone. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Jesus Christ's name. Forgive me. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
79-123 (L)
Martin Luther King Jr. Launches with energy from the opening whistle! This global icon locked in!
A buzzer beater from Martin Luther King Jr. Hits the iron! Injury-prone body under the spotlight!
Jesus Christ gets picked! A messiah getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
André the Giant gets blown by! Even a wrestler couldn't stop that!
Godzilla rises up the towel! This big-name player showing ego the size of Texas!
End of the first act. André the Giant is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote: André the Giant slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Godzilla forces a thunderous slam under the basket! This headliner trying too hard!
King Kong, this smooth operator, laboring up and down! Heavy feet draining the energy!
This established star Godzilla with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Jesus Christ glares at the scoreboard! This guy with rings on every finger not happy with the situation!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a messiah after their bare hands broke!
André the Giant scratches the back of his neck nervously. King Kong has the look of someone who has seen things. Behind the scenes, I learned King Kong was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
93-114 (L)
Martin Luther King Jr., this short king, sets the tone immediately! Ridiculous creativity from the jump!
André the Giant with a rough buzzer beater from downtown! Heavy feet at the worst time!
Jesus Christ with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Godzilla gets burned on the drive! Hot head in lateral movement!
Martin Luther King Jr., this undersized dog, glides to from the right corner for a silky finger roll!
Break! Jesus Christ has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Confession: Jesus Christ tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
André the Giant storms to the bench! Heated! This wrestler doesn't handle losing well!
Martin Luther King Jr. Can't buy a bucket! Maybe the game would be easier to aim!
Martin Luther King Jr. Executes a suffocating man-to-man defense perfectly! Precision learned as a civil rights activist!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, with tired legs under the basket! Hot head slowing this basketball god down!
Godzilla walks off in silence. This certified bucket gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Martin Luther King Jr. Shakes Jesus Christ's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Martin Luther King Jr.'s name. Forgive me. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
73-117 (L)
This multi-time All-Star King Kong in the starting lineup! Let's see what this multi-time All-Star brings!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Martin Luther King Jr. Shanks an and-one from the right corner! That's uncharacteristic!
Jesus Christ turns it over on the final possession! A messiah dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
André the Giant gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the mat canvas behind the rosin bag!
André the Giant, this colossus, shows negative body language! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Coach calls everyone back. Jesus Christ drags his feet toward the tunnel. They say Jesus Christ has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Martin Luther King Jr., this small but mighty player, bobbles the leather and the chance evaporates driving to the hoop!
This all-time great Martin Luther King Jr. Can barely jump! The springs are gone from mid-range!
André the Giant throws it out of bounds! Like launching the rosin bag into the void!
Godzilla storms to the bench! This top-tier talent is visibly upset!
This established star Godzilla shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
Jesus Christ pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Godzilla takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
80-125 (L)
This established star King Kong gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
King Kong crosses over the pill right into the defender's hands! Limited stamina!
Martin Luther King Jr., this elusive guard, steps out of bounds with the leather! Mental lapse!
Jesus Christ caught flat-footed! Standing still, the messiah reflexes took a nap!
Jesus Christ fires away angrily after the turnover! This once-in-a-lifetime player spiraling!
Break time. Godzilla bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Rumor has it Godzilla talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
King Kong misfires off the pick and roll! Even this max-contract guy has off nights!
Jesus Christ stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a messiah over the game!
King Kong, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Occasional mental lapses in the footwork!
Godzilla drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
This big-name player King Kong tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
André the Giant rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. King Kong picks up his own and folds it carefully. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
86-131 (L)
Godzilla explodes onto the floor! The crowd roars for this All-Star caliber talent!
This potential GOAT Martin Luther King Jr. Misses the mark! A pull-up jumper goes begging from mid-range!
This established star King Kong dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Godzilla scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Limited stamina!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!
Break. André the Giant collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Staff confession: André the Giant is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
A free throw from André the Giant goes in and out! Heartbreaking at the buzzer!
Jesus Christ short-arms the shot from fatigue! This absolute legend has nothing left!
This top-tier talent Godzilla with turnover number buckets! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
King Kong, this established star, yells at the coaching staff! Injury-prone body causing friction!
André the Giant absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a wrestler knows tough days!
Jesus Christ takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Godzilla doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
78-123 (L)
King Kong goes to work into position! This certified bucket not wasting any time!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, gets the look from way beyond the arc but the lid's on the rim!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ commits the offensive foul! Turnover from downtown!
This bonafide star Godzilla caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ fouls hard out of frustration! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Halftime. The doctor examines Martin Luther King Jr.'s shoulder while the others catch their breath. Intel: Martin Luther King Jr. Once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Godzilla air-mails a pull-up jumper facing the rim! Way off for this bonafide star!
Godzilla bends over during the dead ball! This established star gathering what's left!
This certified bucket King Kong forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Martin Luther King Jr. Slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a civil rights activist hits the workbench!
Martin Luther King Jr. Takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad civil rights activist day!
Martin Luther King Jr. And André the Giant share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-126 (L)
Godzilla, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! A sold-out gym on fire!
André the Giant steps back the orange into the front rim! That's frustrating for this player making noise!
Martin Luther King Jr. With a wild pass that sails out! This once-in-a-lifetime player giving it away!
André the Giant turns the head and loses the man! This established player napping defensively!
André the Giant looks to the heavens! A wrestler praying for the rosin bag to work!
Halftime whistle! Godzilla slides down against the hallway wall. Word is Godzilla sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
This household name Martin Luther King Jr. With a rare miss at half court! Even the best stumble!
Jesus Christ soldiers on! The soldier who competes the game with their bare hands!
Jesus Christ dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the messiah's finest moment!
This max-contract guy Godzilla can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Jesus Christ refuses to make excuses! A messiah owns the game failures too!
André the Giant refuses the coach's embrace. King Kong accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-132 (L)
This jersey-selling name King Kong means business! Fast start from the left corner!
Martin Luther King Jr., this lightning-quick little man, gets the separation but can't finish! Injury-prone body!
Martin Luther King Jr. With the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Godzilla, this solid build, gets dunked on at the buzzer! Poster material!
King Kong, this max-contract guy, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to rush in tough moments!
Off to the locker room. André the Giant has already drained two water bottles. Did you know André the Giant plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
King Kong can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this world-class player!
Jesus Christ finds a second wind! The messiah engine roars back to life!
Martin Luther King Jr., this pint-sized baller, gets stripped off the pick and roll! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
This franchise guy Godzilla stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Jesus Christ, this certified GOAT candidate, takes the loss hard. Lack of consistency at the wrong moments.
André the Giant refuses the coach's embrace. Martin Luther King Jr. Accepts it but his body is stiff. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
73-117 (L)
Game time! King Kong and this established star ready to put on a show at the gym!
This guy everybody knows King Kong muscles up an and-one but can't get it to fall!
André the Giant with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost wrestler!
King Kong gets caught flat-footed! This established star beaten to the spot!
Jesus Christ, this basketball god, refuses to high-five! Heavy feet hurting the chemistry!
First half is done. Godzilla is chugging Gatorade like it's water. They say Godzilla has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Godzilla, this all-around player, gets the look but can't convert in transition!
Jesus Christ grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
This generational talent Martin Luther King Jr. Commits the 5-second violation! Clock management occasional mental lapses!
Martin Luther King Jr. Argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Jesus Christ reflects on what could have been. Limited stamina the difference tonight.
King Kong turns back to look at the court one last time. Martin Luther King Jr. Doesn't turn around. Evening confession: I'm wearing King Kong's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-132 (L)
Jesus Christ begins their shift on the floor! A messiah starting the their bare hands shift!
Martin Luther King Jr., this small but mighty player, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this all-time great!
This jersey-selling name King Kong gets pickpocketed at the buzzer! Sloppy handling!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ fouls reaching in! Heavy feet on defense!
Jesus Christ walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Martin Luther King Jr. Walks head down toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Martin Luther King Jr. Has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
King Kong can't buy a bucket! Another miss from the left corner! Frustrating!
This headliner Godzilla signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Occasional mental lapses!
King Kong throws it into the stands! What was that from this established star!
André the Giant mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to rush taking over!
André the Giant leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a wrestler after the mat canvas setback!
André the Giant mutters 'damn' under his breath. Martin Luther King Jr. Says 'yeah' in the same tone. I learned that André the Giant's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
f finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... F!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Jesus Christ. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.
The chef's surprise of the evening is André the Giant. A wrestler by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle mat canvas with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
f finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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