My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | My Team | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Victor Wanyama. The man. Is. An association football player. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. An association football player. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their football boots and apparently, the technical motion of an association football player and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget is starting to look sexy. They're over the cap, the owner is coughing up some luxury tax, and the roster has some swagger. There's experience, talent, and that little extra something that makes opponents take you seriously. It's not superteam territory yet, but damn, we're not in the gutter anymore either. The GM built a smart roster with guys who complement each other well. The kind of team that can wreak havoc in the playoffs if the stars align.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
76-120 (L)
LeBron James takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Sean Combs explodes but the shot rims out! Injury-prone body rears its ugly head!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James commits the 5-second violation! Clock management lack of consistency!
Sean Combs loses the screen battle! Occasional mental lapses around the picks!
Sean Combs mutters to himself walking back! This bonafide star fighting inner demons!
Both teams head in. Jeffrey Epstein has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Little secret: Jeffrey Epstein watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Jeffrey Epstein can't convert the open shot! Competing the game is way easier!
Shaquille O'Neal, this walking skyscraper, looks exhausted facing the rim! The legs are gone!
LeBron James dribbles carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute legend, refuses to high-five! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the chemistry!
Jeffrey Epstein dishes to the tunnel in disappointment. This absolute legend will learn from this.
Sean Combs isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Jeffrey Epstein tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
114-99 (W)
Jeffrey Epstein huddles with the team! Huddling up, the philanthropist strategizes!
LeBron James rises up the Spalding with purpose! A euro-step! This franchise cornerstone means business!
Victor Wanyama with an iron-wall defense! The reflexes of an association football player catching the winning goal!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, runs the offense with next-level basketball IQ! Beautiful passing!
LeBron James dunks to the weak side! This generational talent exploiting the rotation!
Break. LeBron James's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Fun fact: LeBron James was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Shaquille O'Neal, this potential GOAT, exploits the mismatch for a fadeaway jumper! Too easy!
This potential GOAT Jeffrey Epstein brings a roaring arena to a new level! Incredible scene!
Sean Combs communicates on the switch! Clear as a philanthropist's directions!
The heart of a philanthropist beats in Jeffrey Epstein's chest,the game forged this warrior!
Jeffrey Epstein dominates the box score! Numbers worthy of a philanthropist's the game chart!
Victor Wanyama cries tears of joy in Shaquille O'Neal's arms. Jeffrey Epstein is also crying but nobody knows why. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
117-87 (W)
Game time! LeBron James and this global icon ready to put on a show at the floor!
A two-handed slam from Shaquille O'Neal! This first-ballot legend reminding everyone why they're on top!
Shaquille O'Neal digs in defensively! That dawg mentality when the team needs stops!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James finds the open man! Assist and a pull-up jumper!
Shaquille O'Neal spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Halftime. Sean Combs glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know Sean Combs once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
A deep three by Shaquille O'Neal! The crowd erupts! Night-in night-out consistency personified!
The crowd chants Sean Combs's name! A hostile crowd for the philanthropist with their bare hands!
This certified GOAT candidate Jeffrey Epstein tips it to the teammate! Insane court vision on full display!
The legend of Shaquille O'Neal grows! This certified GOAT candidate adding another chapter back to the basket!
Sean Combs owns the night! Owner of the floor and the game alike!
Jeffrey Epstein does a backflip. Well, he tries. LeBron James applauds the effort. I learned backstage that LeBron James also does philanthropist on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
109-100 (W)
Sean Combs shoots into position! This guy everybody knows not wasting any time!
Shaquille O'Neal hits a sky hook! A gym-rat work ethic proving to be the difference tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein with the defensive masterclass! A philanthropist teaching everyone a lesson!
Jeffrey Epstein, this solid build, delivers the entry pass! Beautiful feed into the post!
Victor Wanyama, this tweener, exploits the mismatch from mid-range! Smart play!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Shaquille O'Neal picks up the pace. Did you know? Shaquille O'Neal has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
LeBron James, this global icon, operates under the basket with an alley-oop! Clinic!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James acknowledges the fans! A sold-out gym on fire of mutual respect!
Jeffrey Epstein adjusts on the fly! Quick thinking from this philanthropist!
Shaquille O'Neal, this once-in-a-lifetime player, answers every challenge! Scary good handles never fading!
Final buzzer! Jeffrey Epstein is the hero! This guy with rings on every finger with a game for the ages!
LeBron James, Shaquille O'Neal, and Jeffrey Epstein pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. I learned tonight that LeBron James used to be a philanthropist. That explains the unique running style. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
108-99 (W)
Victor Wanyama wins the opening tip! Tipping off with association football player energy!
Jeffrey Epstein hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a philanthropist lifting their bare hands!
LeBron James rejects the layup! A rebound in traffic by this giant! Get that out!
Jeffrey Epstein shovels the pass! Moving the ball with their bare hands efficiency!
Sean Combs uses that philanthropist IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Coach calls everyone back. Jeffrey Epstein drags his feet toward the tunnel. Locker room intel: Jeffrey Epstein has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
LeBron James scores at will! An alley-oop from mid-range! This hall-of-fame lock domination!
Chills at the arena as Sean Combs gets introduced! The philanthropist with their bare hands!
Victor Wanyama plugs the gap! Plugging holes with association football player efficiency!
Victor Wanyama's got those association football player hands! Gripping the Wilson like it owes them money!
Shaquille O'Neal can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Shaquille O'Neal and Sean Combs cradle the game ball like a baby. LeBron James takes a photo. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
102-113 (L)
This living legend LeBron James in the starting lineup! Let's see what this living legend brings!
Victor Wanyama sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this association football player!
Shaquille O'Neal pulls up into a trap! Injury-prone body when reading the defense!
Jeffrey Epstein overcommits and gets beat! Limited stamina when reading the play!
Victor Wanyama finishes the fast break! Sprinting like an association football player who's running late!
Halftime. LeBron James wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Rumor has it LeBron James has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Jeffrey Epstein, this smooth operator, pounds the scorer's table! Heavy feet on full display!
A sky hook from Victor Wanyama goes in and out! Heartbreaking from mid-range!
This household name LeBron James sets the back screen! Freakish explosiveness off-ball contribution!
This player on the come-up Victor Wanyama can't close out! The legs are shot from the right corner!
Shaquille O'Neal, this household name, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Jeffrey Epstein lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Victor Wanyama holds his in. I learned backstage that Victor Wanyama also does philanthropist on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
110-106 (W)
Jeffrey Epstein announces themselves! The philanthropist has arrived and the building knows it!
Sean Combs covers acres of the floor! The endurance of a philanthropist on a double shift!
Jeffrey Epstein misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their bare hands at the game!
This certified bucket Sean Combs capitalizes from the left corner! An and-one with scary good handles!
Shaquille O'Neal fires away the ball out of the trap! A killer instinct under pressure!
The players head in. Victor Wanyama slips on the wet tunnel floor. Little secret: Victor Wanyama has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Jeffrey Epstein with the money shot! Worth its weight in their bare hands!
Shaquille O'Neal, this titan, walls off the drive driving to the hoop! No way through!
You can feel a packed arena through the screen! Shaquille O'Neal in the spotlight!
Jeffrey Epstein, this versatile guy, blocks the go-ahead attempt! On the final possession a clutch steal!
This basketball god Shaquille O'Neal is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Jeffrey Epstein pretends to plant a flag at center court. Victor Wanyama stands at attention. I learned tonight that Jeffrey Epstein used to be a philanthropist. That explains the unique running style. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
93-121 (L)
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal means business! Fast start from downtown!
Victor Wanyama takes off but it's well off! Heavy feet under fatigue!
LeBron James coughs up the basketball! Limited stamina strikes again from mid-range!
Sean Combs gets blown by! Even a philanthropist couldn't stop that!
Jeffrey Epstein attacks under the basket and finishes with a bank shot! Too good!
Break. Victor Wanyama asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Fun fact: Victor Wanyama blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Jeffrey Epstein drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a philanthropist's spirit has limits!
Sean Combs can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a philanthropist always hits!
Shaquille O'Neal pushes the pace in transition! Freakish explosiveness showing in every play!
LeBron James, this global icon, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this hall-of-fame lock.
Jeffrey Epstein kicks his towel across the floor. Victor Wanyama has already left for the locker room, alone. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
81-111 (L)
The game begins and Jeffrey Epstein is ready! You can see a killer instinct written all over his face!
LeBron James forces up a layup over the defense! Hot head! Bad decision!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Victor Wanyama, this all-around player, gets exploited in the switch! Lack of consistency exposed in the mismatch!
Shaquille O'Neal slams the leather in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Break. LeBron James asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Fun fact: LeBron James failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Victor Wanyama fires and misses in the paint. Should have stuck with the winning goal!
Sean Combs is visibly tired! This top-tier talent needs a timeout badly!
Sean Combs with the errant pass! This established star needs to settle down!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, waves off the play call! Hot head hurting the team!
Sean Combs walks off in silence. This world-class player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
LeBron James bites his lip, fists clenched. Jeffrey Epstein shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
108-102 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal, this colossus, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
LeBron James attacks the Wilson into a pull-up jumper! That dawg mentality shining through!
Jeffrey Epstein picks off the lob! Intercepting mid-air, pure philanthropist reflexes!
Sean Combs, this jersey-selling name, draws the double and finds the open shooter! Pure God-given talent!
Sean Combs adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran philanthropist!
Halftime. Victor Wanyama throws his towel on the floor walking in. Juicy intel: Victor Wanyama turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
A bank shot from Shaquille O'Neal facing the rim! That's a certified bucket-getter!
LeBron James, this all-time great, plays to the crowd! Immense pressure is contagious!
Shaquille O'Neal, this household name, communicates the switch! Eyes in the back of the head and vocal leadership!
Win or lose, Shaquille O'Neal has earned respect tonight! This potential GOAT warrior spirit!
Sean Combs embraces teammates! The bond of competing the game together!
Sean Combs, Shaquille O'Neal, and Victor Wanyama pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-117 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein opens with an and-one! This guy with rings on every finger making an early statement!
LeBron James, this beanpole, gets the look but can't convert from mid-range!
LeBron James fades away the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy with rings on every finger!
Sean Combs gets crossed over! This multi-time All-Star left frozen back to the basket!
Victor Wanyama throws their hands up! Like an association football player when their football boots breaks!
Time to breathe. LeBron James has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Locker room anecdote: LeBron James talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Sean Combs can't finish! The philanthropist who finishes the game can't finish the play!
LeBron James, this living legend, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
LeBron James throws it into the stands! What was that from this generational talent!
Jeffrey Epstein can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the pill frustration!
Victor Wanyama reflects on what could have been. Heavy feet the difference tonight.
Jeffrey Epstein clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Victor Wanyama fidgets with his wristband nervously. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
98-120 (L)
LeBron James, this tree of a man, sets the tone immediately! Eyes in the back of the head from the jump!
Victor Wanyama puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their football boots can save that!
Victor Wanyama goes to work into a dead end along the baseline! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Victor Wanyama gives up the easy bucket! Easier than scoring the winning goal!
LeBron James with the and-one two-handed slam! Next-level basketball IQ through the whistle!
The locker room. Sean Combs sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote: Sean Combs once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Sean Combs, this smooth operator, throws the hands up! Exasperated driving to the hoop!
Jeffrey Epstein launches and fires but misses everything! Lack of consistency tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein uses their size out there! The philanthropist has a built-in advantage!
Victor Wanyama finds a second wind! The association football player engine roars back to life!
Victor Wanyama shakes hands through the pain! An association football player who respects their football boots and the game!
Jeffrey Epstein and Victor Wanyama share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
100-94 (W)
Jeffrey Epstein checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Jeffrey Epstein, this versatile guy, uses every inch to deliver a buzzer beater!
Victor Wanyama, this do-it-all player, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by nerves of steel!
Victor Wanyama with the no-look pass! Scoring the winning goal blindfolded!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
End of the second quarter. Shaquille O'Neal is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. They say Shaquille O'Neal has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
A reverse layup from Victor Wanyama! This respected competitor is putting on a show tonight!
A Playoff atmosphere as Jeffrey Epstein nails a layup! The philanthropist delivers!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, boxes out for the teammate! This household name doing the dirty work!
Victor Wanyama treats every possession like scoring the winning goal, with care and precision!
Jeffrey Epstein caps a perfect night! Clean as a philanthropist on their best day!
LeBron James and Sean Combs leap onto each other like kids. Victor Wanyama comes sprinting in and crushes them both. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-117 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein steps onto the palace of hoops! From competing the game to this, game time!
LeBron James fires a sky hook under the basket but can't connect! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Victor Wanyama, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the ball poked away! Lack of consistency when protecting the damn ball!
Sean Combs beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a philanthropist!
Victor Wanyama gets the friendly bounce! Even the rock respects an association football player!
First half is done. Victor Wanyama is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Rumor has it Victor Wanyama tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Jeffrey Epstein mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
Shaquille O'Neal forces a bad hook shot! This first-ballot legend needs to trust teammates!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a pull-up jumper!
LeBron James spins but the legs won't cooperate! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Jeffrey Epstein, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the temple of basketball. Lessons to take from this one.
Jeffrey Epstein hurls his mouthguard into the trash. LeBron James keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
100-124 (L)
Sean Combs gets the starting nod! A philanthropist starting with their bare hands confidence!
Victor Wanyama can't score in the first quarter! This association football player is way off tonight!
LeBron James charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
This multi-time All-Star Sean Combs picks up the cheap foul! Hot head showing!
This established star Sean Combs with a beautiful step-back three off the pick and roll! Poetry in motion!
Off to the locker room. Shaquille O'Neal has already drained two water bottles. I've been told Shaquille O'Neal always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Jeffrey Epstein slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a philanthropist hits the workbench!
That one wasn't even close, Jeffrey Epstein! Stick to competing the game!
Victor Wanyama outsmarts the opponent! The brains of an association football player with their football boots!
Victor Wanyama tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like an association football player's energy for the winning goal!
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
Jeffrey Epstein bites his lip, fists clenched. Victor Wanyama shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Victor Wanyama. The man. Is. An association football player. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. An association football player. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their football boots and apparently, the technical motion of an association football player and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget is starting to look sexy. They're over the cap, the owner is coughing up some luxury tax, and the roster has some swagger. There's experience, talent, and that little extra something that makes opponents take you seriously. It's not superteam territory yet, but damn, we're not in the gutter anymore either. The GM built a smart roster with guys who complement each other well. The kind of team that can wreak havoc in the playoffs if the stars align.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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