My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
4 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's LeBron James. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 206 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Nikocado Avocado is on this team. Nikocado Avocado, who is a youtuber and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their camera under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget is like the guy who goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, orders one entree and splits the dessert. It's not poverty, but it's not the high life either. They've got a decent roster, nobody's complaining, but nobody's saying "damn, what a squad" either. Solid without being spectacular. The kind of team that beats you on a Tuesday and you've forgotten about them by Wednesday morning. But underestimate them and they'll make you pay.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-134 (L)
And we're underway! Nikocado Avocado touches the damn ball first! This legit talent looks eager!
Nikocado Avocado whiffs on the jumper! A youtuber off their game with their camera!
Nikocado Avocado trips up in the paint! A youtuber never trips at work... Right?
Jim Halpert, this do-it-all player, fouls unnecessarily at the buzzer! Tendency to rush!
Nikocado Avocado throws their hands up! Like a youtuber when their camera breaks!
Back in the locker room, Nikocado Avocado sits down and stares at the ceiling. Little scoop: Nikocado Avocado logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Nikocado Avocado goes to work the ball right into the defender's hands! Hot head!
Jim Halpert finds a second wind! The salesperson engine roars back to life!
Nikocado Avocado coughs up the Spalding! Tendency to rush strikes again at half court!
Jim Halpert argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to selling the hot item!
This all-time great Albert Einstein stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this all-time great wanted.
Albert Einstein shakes Nikocado Avocado's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
87-106 (L)
LeBron James, this household name, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
LeBron James, this long boy, gets the look at the top of the key but the lid's on the rim!
Turnover by Nikocado Avocado! Captivating the algorithm requires less coordination, clearly!
This dude putting the league on notice Nikocado Avocado commits the and-one foul! Sometimes predictable game in positioning!
LeBron James with another alley-oop! You can't stop this man!
Break! Nikocado Avocado has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Juicy intel: Nikocado Avocado turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Jim Halpert tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the salesperson will bounce back!
A devastating dunk from LeBron James catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Nikocado Avocado controls the glass! Board work as precise as a day job with their camera!
Jim Halpert calls for the sub! Even a salesperson's stamina with their product pitch has limits!
Albert Einstein packs up and heads out! Packing their prototype sketch, unpacking emotions!
Nikocado Avocado punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Albert Einstein slides down the wall to the floor. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
87-132 (L)
LeBron James, this giant, takes the court! The boiling cauldron is electric!
Jim Halpert misses the layup! Even the hot item would have gone in easier!
Albert Einstein passes to nobody! This living legend with a head-scratching decision!
Jim Halpert can't contain the drive! Selling the hot item is more containable!
Albert Einstein shoots and kicks the stanchion! This household name losing composure!
Break! Albert Einstein takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Confession: Albert Einstein calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Albert Einstein, this basketball god, comes up empty! A bank shot off target from way beyond the arc!
LeBron James is gassed! This potential GOAT bent over at half court! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
Jim Halpert dribbles it off their foot! Their product pitch would never betray a salesperson like that!
Jim Halpert kicks the air! The frustration of a salesperson who knows they can do better!
This global icon LeBron James tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Nikocado Avocado presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. LeBron James walks right past without noticing. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
83-127 (L)
This newcomer Jim Halpert catches the orange early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Nikocado Avocado misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the algorithm!
LeBron James dishes carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Jim Halpert gives up the easy bucket! Easier than selling the hot item!
Albert Einstein slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an inventor hits the workbench!
Break! LeBron James rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Anecdote: LeBron James once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Jim Halpert can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the hot item, a salesperson always hits!
This undisputed superstar Albert Einstein can't close out! The legs are shot at the top of the key!
Jim Halpert throws it away! Defense that's basically a suggestion under pressure facing the rim!
Jim Halpert goes to work away from the huddle! This surprise package in a dark place mentally!
This all-time great LeBron James leaves the arena with head held high. Fought to the end.
Jim Halpert takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. LeBron James follows the same path. I learned that Jim Halpert's father was a salesperson. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
74-119 (L)
Jim Halpert crosses over with energy from the opening whistle! This dude out of nowhere locked in!
Jim Halpert clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their product pitch hitting the hot item!
This guy nobody was talking about Jim Halpert forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Jim Halpert can't stay in front! Selling the hot item doesn't build lateral quickness!
Nikocado Avocado drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a youtuber's spirit has limits!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Albert Einstein picks up the pace. Intel: Albert Einstein asked Phoenix No-Defense for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
LeBron James rushes a double-clutch layup facing the rim! Lack of consistency creeping in!
Jim Halpert drags their feet! Heavy as their product pitch at the end of a shift!
This all-time great LeBron James with turnover number buckets! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
Jim Halpert gets a technical for complaining! Injury-prone body on full display!
Jim Halpert posts up past the media. This potential breakout star not in the mood to talk.
Albert Einstein kicks his towel across the floor. Nikocado Avocado has already left for the locker room, alone. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
77-122 (L)
LeBron James, this household name, draws first blood! A scoop layup to start!
Nikocado Avocado forces a hook shot from downtown! This next-level player trying too hard!
This name that's buzzing Nikocado Avocado loses concentration and the pill with it!
Nikocado Avocado beaten to the spot! Slower than a youtuber on a Monday morning!
Nikocado Avocado buries their face! Hidden from view, the youtuber can't watch!
That's a cut. LeBron James stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Small detail: LeBron James wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Jim Halpert misses at the buzzer! A salesperson who missed the deadline!
Jim Halpert digs deep! Deep as a salesperson digs into the hot item!
Albert Einstein double-dribbles! Revolutionizing the status quo doesn't have that rule!
Albert Einstein rises up the towel! This living legend showing occasional mental lapses!
Albert Einstein had the chances but couldn't convert. This guy with rings on every finger left wanting.
Jim Halpert refuses the coach's embrace. Albert Einstein accepts it but his body is stiff. I learned backstage that Albert Einstein also does salesperson on weekends. That explains those reflexes. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
86-131 (L)
Jim Halpert spins onto the floor! The crowd roars for this newcomer!
Nikocado Avocado, this miniature missile, wastes a golden chance with a wild buzzer-beater!
Intercepted! Jim Halpert's pass snatched right out of the air! A salesperson would never be that careless!
LeBron James gambles for the steal and pays the price! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
LeBron James, this towering presence, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
Finally a breather. Albert Einstein has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. True story: Albert Einstein walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Toronto Border-Patrol. Awkward. We're back! The players look fired up.
This undisputed superstar LeBron James whiffs on a free throw! The crowd groans!
Jim Halpert soldiers on! The soldier who sells the hot item with their product pitch!
LeBron James tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Injury-prone body in the decision-making!
This all-time great LeBron James fouls hard out of frustration! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Albert Einstein vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their prototype sketch reinforced with the status quo!
Albert Einstein collapses into the first available chair. Nikocado Avocado stays standing, eyes glazed over. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
76-120 (L)
This living legend Albert Einstein means business! Fast start driving to the hoop!
Nikocado Avocado attacks but it's well off! Tendency to force bad shots under fatigue!
Albert Einstein with the careless pass! Revolutionizing the status quo with more care, please!
Jim Halpert watches helplessly! A salesperson watching the hot item fall off the shelf!
Nikocado Avocado, this league veteran, refuses to high-five! Ego the size of Texas hurting the chemistry!
The players file out. Albert Einstein exchanges a tense look with the coach. Rumor has it Albert Einstein has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Jim Halpert goes to work and fires but misses everything! Heavy feet tonight!
Nikocado Avocado is gassed! More tired than after a full day of captivating the algorithm!
Jim Halpert turns it over in beyond the arc! Butterfingers from this salesperson!
LeBron James, this first-ballot legend, barks at the teammate! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
LeBron James crosses over to the tunnel in disappointment. This all-time great will learn from this.
Nikocado Avocado taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Albert Einstein walks through the door without pushing it. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
73-118 (L)
Nikocado Avocado looks dialed in from the start! Iron discipline preparation showing!
LeBron James can't buy a bucket! Another miss back to the basket! Frustrating!
Albert Einstein throws it away! A pass worse than an inventor tossing the status quo!
LeBron James reacts too late to rotate! Defense that's basically a suggestion on the help side!
This player making noise Nikocado Avocado stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! LeBron James walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: LeBron James got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Albert Einstein misses from the corner! Under the basket is no place for their prototype sketch!
Nikocado Avocado needs oxygen! More winded than a youtuber after overtime!
This who-is-this-guy player Jim Halpert dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Albert Einstein sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like an inventor after a long shift!
Albert Einstein sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an inventor after their prototype sketch broke!
LeBron James's eyes are red, jaw tight. Albert Einstein apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Albert Einstein. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
76-121 (L)
Jim Halpert locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a salesperson who means business!
Albert Einstein throws up a clunker! Their prototype sketch would weep at that trajectory!
This all-time great LeBron James gets pickpocketed on the low block! Sloppy handling!
This hungry young player Jim Halpert misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Jim Halpert, this surprise package, yells at the coaching staff! Lack of consistency causing friction!
Halftime whistle. Jim Halpert spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Small detail: Jim Halpert wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
This absolute legend LeBron James shanks a bucket from mid-range! That's uncharacteristic!
This all-time great LeBron James is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
Nikocado Avocado loses possession! The algorithm never leaves a youtuber's hands like that!
LeBron James drops the head after another miss! Tendency to rush sapping the confidence!
Jim Halpert, this hungry young player, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Albert Einstein's eyes are glassy. Nikocado Avocado mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
88-132 (L)
Jim Halpert, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! An unmatched feel for the game from the jump!
Albert Einstein launches from deep and misses! An inventor's range doesn't apply here!
Albert Einstein dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the inventor's finest moment!
LeBron James, this tower, lets the shooter get free on the low block! Costly lapse!
Nikocado Avocado mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Halftime. Jim Halpert's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote: Jim Halpert once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Air ball from Jim Halpert! Being a salesperson doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Nikocado Avocado stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a youtuber over the algorithm!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Albert Einstein mutters to himself walking back! This absolute legend fighting inner demons!
LeBron James, this long boy, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.
Albert Einstein's eyes are red, jaw tight. LeBron James apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
84-129 (L)
The floor welcomes Nikocado Avocado! The youtuber with the algorithm has arrived!
Jim Halpert, this versatile guy, can't finish driving to the hoop! That one stings!
LeBron James, this tower, steps out of bounds with the pill! Mental lapse!
LeBron James scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Occasional mental lapses!
Nikocado Avocado glares at the Spalding! Like it personally betrayed this youtuber!
Back to the locker room. Nikocado Avocado punches his locker. Confession: Nikocado Avocado calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
This raw talent Jim Halpert rattles it out! So close yet so far from mid-range!
Albert Einstein gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from revolutionizing the status quo and hooping!
Jim Halpert loses the pill! A salesperson would never be this careless!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Albert Einstein hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in transition!
Nikocado Avocado, this short king, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a gym-rat work ethic effort.
Jim Halpert walks in slow motion, arms dangling. LeBron James speeds up. Wants it to be over. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
90-134 (L)
The game begins and LeBron James is ready! You can see iron discipline written all over his face!
Albert Einstein lets fly but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Albert Einstein with the backcourt violation! This potential GOAT under too much pressure!
Albert Einstein loses their assignment! Like losing their prototype sketch in the workshop!
This dude out of nowhere Jim Halpert gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
First half is done. Albert Einstein is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know? Albert Einstein tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
LeBron James with the off-balance off-balance shot! This household name couldn't set the feet!
This player making noise Nikocado Avocado calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Shaky emotions under pressure taking its toll!
Jim Halpert, this combo guard, gets stripped driving to the hoop! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Jim Halpert shakes their head! A salesperson who can't believe that just happened!
Jim Halpert refuses to make excuses! A salesperson owns the hot item failures too!
Albert Einstein walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Nikocado Avocado drags one foot after the other. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-126 (L)
Nikocado Avocado announces themselves! The youtuber has arrived and the building knows it!
LeBron James can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this undisputed superstar!
Stolen from Jim Halpert! A salesperson who let it slip through their fingers!
LeBron James gets burned on the drive! Occasional mental lapses in lateral movement!
LeBron James, this living legend, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
End of the first act. Jim Halpert is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Juicy anecdote: Jim Halpert was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Nikocado Avocado goes 0 for the quarter! A youtuber having a rough shift with their camera!
Albert Einstein takes off but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to rush catching up!
Jim Halpert shoots into a dead end under the basket! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
LeBron James storms to the bench! This all-time great is visibly upset!
Albert Einstein walks off in defeat! Even an inventor's skills couldn't save tonight!
LeBron James sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Jim Halpert has his head in his hands. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
75-120 (L)
Albert Einstein wins the opening tip! Tipping off with inventor energy!
A double-clutch layup from LeBron James sails wide! This absolute legend needs to regroup!
Nikocado Avocado with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost youtuber!
This guy with rings on every finger Albert Einstein fouls reaching in! Injury-prone body on defense!
Albert Einstein mouths off on the final possession! An inventor venting about the status quo!
Break! Nikocado Avocado has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Rumor has it Nikocado Avocado tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Jim Halpert with the contested off-balance shot off the pick and roll! No good! Bad selection!
Nikocado Avocado jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for captivating the algorithm tomorrow!
LeBron James attacks into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
Jim Halpert picks up the second technical! This surprise package ejected! Limited stamina!
Albert Einstein wipes a tear! An inventor who poured everything into the effort!
Nikocado Avocado scratches the back of his neck nervously. LeBron James has the look of someone who has seen things. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
💬 💬 Comments & Suggestions (0)
💭
No comments yet. Be the first to share your opinion!
