My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Martin Luther King Jr.. Standing at 177 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Abraham Lincoln. A farmer in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles seed dibber better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Abraham Lincoln has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat stubborn soil and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-128 (L)
Barack Obama, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! A crowd fully behind them!
Abraham Lincoln, this versatile guy, gets the look on the low block but the lid's on the rim!
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, steps out of bounds with the Wilson! Mental lapse!
Barack Obama bites on the fake! Fooled like a community organizer by counterfeit the neighborhood!
Martin Luther King Jr. Slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a civil rights activist hits the workbench!
Break time. Barack Obama bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know Barack Obama once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Abraham Lincoln with a wild attempt! This living legend not finding the range tonight!
This household name Bill Clinton can barely jump! The springs are gone at the top of the key!
George Washington throws it into the stands! What was that from this hall-of-fame lock!
Barack Obama pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The community organizer in them is showing!
Martin Luther King Jr. Walks off in defeat! Even a civil rights activist's skills couldn't save tonight!
George Washington's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Abraham Lincoln hides his eyes under a towel. I learned backstage that Abraham Lincoln also does civil rights activist on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
83-108 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Barack Obama gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
George Washington dribbles but the shot rims out! Lack of consistency rears its ugly head!
George Washington trips up in the three-point line! A farmer never trips at work... Right?
This undisputed superstar George Washington fouls reaching in! Limited stamina on defense!
Martin Luther King Jr. Rises up the Wilson with natural-born leadership. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
The locker room fills up. Martin Luther King Jr. Has already eaten three oranges. Little secret: Martin Luther King Jr. Watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
This all-time great Martin Luther King Jr. Can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Barack Obama forces up a catch-and-shoot triple over the defense! Sometimes predictable game! Bad decision!
Bill Clinton uses a lockdown zone defense brilliantly! Strategy from navigating the political storm!
Bill Clinton drags their feet! Heavy as their diplomatic pouch at the end of a shift!
Abraham Lincoln fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the farmer gave everything!
George Washington lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Martin Luther King Jr. Holds his in. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
107-95 (W)
Abraham Lincoln checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Martin Luther King Jr. Hooks it in! The arc of a civil rights activist swinging their bare hands!
Martin Luther King Jr. With a rebound in traffic to save the possession! Their bare hands to the rescue!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Barack Obama with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Abraham Lincoln positions perfectly in the right wing! Placement of the seed dibber on the stubborn soil!
Break. Bill Clinton collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Quick anecdote about Bill Clinton: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
The technical flair of Abraham Lincoln recalls their farmer days. A free throw! Sublime!
Bill Clinton high-fives courtside fans! Those statesperson hands spreading the love!
Bill Clinton takes the charge for the team! Heart of a statesperson, sacrifice of a warrior!
Abraham Lincoln, the farmer from the day shift, is writing their story on the floor tonight!
Martin Luther King Jr. Soaks it in! Soaking up the moment, a civil rights activist savoring glory!
George Washington grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts Martin Luther King Jr.'s name. The announcer chases him. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
105-110 (L)
This absolute legend Martin Luther King Jr. Means business! Fast start in the paint!
Abraham Lincoln pulls up and drills a deep three! Can't teach that!
Abraham Lincoln, this all-around player, gets dunked on facing the rim! Poster material!
Bill Clinton misses! Even a statesperson can't fix that shot!
Barack Obama goes to work and the deficit melts! He's on an unstoppable run!
Break. Bill Clinton collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Rumor has it Bill Clinton has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
George Washington, this miniature missile, chokes on the big stage! On the final possession miss!
Bill Clinton throws their hands up! Like a statesperson when their diplomatic pouch breaks!
They said a farmer couldn't play at this level. George Washington and the seed dibber disagree!
Bill Clinton misfires on the potential dagger! This absolute legend lets them off the hook!
Bill Clinton leaves the arena with dignity! The dignity of a statesperson with their diplomatic pouch!
Martin Luther King Jr. Unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Barack Obama runs a hand down his face. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
86-116 (L)
The gym welcomes Abraham Lincoln! The farmer with the stubborn soil has arrived!
That one wasn't even close, Abraham Lincoln! Stick to cultivating the stubborn soil!
Barack Obama, this do-it-all player, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
Bill Clinton gets screened out! Stuck behind their diplomatic pouch like it's a wall!
George Washington with another step-back three! You can't stop this man!
The players head to the locker room. Bill Clinton is sweating like a racehorse. Little scoop: Bill Clinton tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
This living legend Bill Clinton shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
This potential GOAT George Washington short-arms a deep three from mid-range! Not enough lift!
Bill Clinton outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a statesperson with their diplomatic pouch!
Barack Obama is running on fumes! The community organizer tank is completely empty!
Bill Clinton, this versatile guy, hangs the head. Tough loss despite natural-born leadership effort.
George Washington chews his nails on the bench. Barack Obama stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
121-94 (W)
George Washington comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the farmer means business!
George Washington hits from downtown! Precision worthy of the seed dibber facing the rim!
Barack Obama with a textbook defensive stance! That's how you do it!
George Washington finds them in the high post! Navigating the floor like a farmer navigates rush hour!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Martin Luther King Jr. Calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
End of the first half. George Washington is beet red but still standing. Staff confession: George Washington is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Bill Clinton lets fly and scores! An alley-oop! This do-it-all player is a problem!
Confetti falls as Bill Clinton exits! A statesperson's grand finale on the floor!
Barack Obama holds the huddle together! That community organizer leadership on full display!
The legend grows! Barack Obama, the community organizer with their bullhorn, rewrites history at the court!
This generational talent Abraham Lincoln wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Barack Obama charges toward the crowd. Martin Luther King Jr. Catches him just before he dives into the stands. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
94-130 (L)
George Washington, this little thunder, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
Abraham Lincoln, this all-around player, wastes a golden chance with a wild catch-and-shoot triple!
Martin Luther King Jr. With the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
George Washington gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the stubborn soil on a rough day!
Bill Clinton shakes their head! A statesperson who can't believe that just happened!
Halftime. Barack Obama throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Barack Obama knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Toronto Border-Patrol's colors. By accident, obviously. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
George Washington shoots an air ball in a cathedral silence! A farmer lost in the noise!
This potential GOAT Bill Clinton has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Barack Obama throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bullhorn into the void!
Martin Luther King Jr. Stares in disbelief! The look of a civil rights activist who just lost everything!
Barack Obama vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bullhorn reinforced with the neighborhood!
Abraham Lincoln and Barack Obama share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
109-113 (L)
Bill Clinton looks dialed in from the start! Natural-born leadership preparation showing!
This undisputed superstar Barack Obama capitalizes under the basket! A euro-step with an unmatched feel for the game!
Martin Luther King Jr. Gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
Bill Clinton, this combo guard, can't get a two-handed slam to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Bill Clinton grabs the crucial rebound! That statesperson hustle never stops!
Intermission. Barack Obama dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Physio's confession: Barack Obama purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Bill Clinton coughs it up with the game on the line! The political storm slipping away!
Bill Clinton, this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated at half court!
This absolute legend Barack Obama with a performance for the ages! A sequence that will go viral chapter!
Barack Obama fouls at the worst time! A community organizer tripping over the neighborhood!
George Washington looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a farmer!
Martin Luther King Jr. Walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Bill Clinton drags one foot after the other. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-120 (L)
George Washington steps onto the floor! From cultivating the stubborn soil to this, game time!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Barack Obama misses the mark! An alley-oop goes begging at the buzzer!
George Washington gets picked! A farmer getting the stubborn soil stolen in broad daylight!
George Washington gets posterized! A farmer framed by the seed dibber in the worst way!
Barack Obama with the decisive pull-up jumper! Scary good handles when it matters most!
Break! Abraham Lincoln rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know Abraham Lincoln plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
This household name George Washington slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Brick! Barack Obama misfires in transition! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
Bill Clinton reads the defense perfectly! That dawg mentality and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Barack Obama takes off but the legs won't cooperate! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Bill Clinton drives to the tunnel in disappointment. This household name will learn from this.
Martin Luther King Jr. Sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Abraham Lincoln has his head in his hands. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-108 (L)
Barack Obama, this global icon, embraces the incredible energy! Game on!
Abraham Lincoln misses the open look! A farmer never misses the stubborn soil... But misses the pill!
This living legend Bill Clinton forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Bill Clinton loses their assignment! Like losing their diplomatic pouch in the workshop!
George Washington, this global icon, exploits the mismatch for a finger roll! Too easy!
The locker room. Martin Luther King Jr. Sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know? Martin Luther King Jr. Launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Abraham Lincoln mouths off and picks up a T! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
George Washington, this basketball god, fumbles the finish from downtown! Back to the drawing board!
George Washington sets the screen with precision worthy of the seed dibber! Tactical genius!
George Washington grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than the seed dibber in the workshop!
Barack Obama, this combo guard, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.
Martin Luther King Jr. Isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Abraham Lincoln tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
97-115 (L)
George Washington bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
A buzzer beater from Abraham Lincoln hits the iron! Tendency to rush under the spotlight!
This household name Bill Clinton gets pickpocketed in transition! Sloppy handling!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Martin Luther King Jr. Gives up the offensive rebound! Shaky emotions under pressure when boxing out!
A two-handed slam! Bill Clinton cannot be stopped tonight! This certified GOAT candidate is locked in!
Rest. Bill Clinton buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. They say Bill Clinton eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Bill Clinton drops the head after another miss! Limited stamina sapping the confidence!
Barack Obama can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this global icon!
Bill Clinton plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a statesperson on their best day!
Martin Luther King Jr. Is running on pure willpower! This first-ballot legend refusing to quit!
George Washington had the chances but couldn't convert. This all-time great left wanting.
George Washington collapses into the first available chair. Barack Obama stays standing, eyes glazed over. I learned that George Washington's father was a civil rights activist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
97-122 (L)
This first-ballot legend Barack Obama comes out firing! A sky hook in the first minute!
Martin Luther King Jr. Misses at the buzzer! A civil rights activist who missed the deadline!
Bill Clinton throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the statesperson got too confident!
Bill Clinton gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the political storm behind their diplomatic pouch!
Barack Obama with the reverse layup! Creative as a community organizer with the neighborhood!
Halftime. The physio pounces on George Washington to massage his thighs. Bus driver's confession: George Washington raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This franchise cornerstone George Washington gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
George Washington puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even the seed dibber can save that!
This undisputed superstar Barack Obama attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
This basketball god Bill Clinton can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This living legend Barack Obama tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Martin Luther King Jr. Sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Barack Obama puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-126 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Martin Luther King Jr. Comes out aggressive! Opens with an off-balance shot at half court!
Martin Luther King Jr. Misses the free throw! Competing the game under pressure is easier!
Abraham Lincoln loses the Spalding! A farmer would never be this careless!
Abraham Lincoln, this combo guard, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to force bad shots exposed in the mismatch!
Martin Luther King Jr., this scrappy guard, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Both teams head to the locker room. Martin Luther King Jr. Wipes his forehead with his jersey. Fun fact: Martin Luther King Jr. Was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
The rim rejects Barack Obama! The rim says no! Even a community organizer gets rejected sometimes!
This certified GOAT candidate George Washington stumbles! The fatigue is real after this ball game!
Bill Clinton forces the pass! Forcing their diplomatic pouch where it doesn't fit!
Martin Luther King Jr., this little firecracker, shows negative body language! Heavy feet creeping in!
Barack Obama, this potential GOAT, takes the loss hard. Limited stamina at the wrong moments.
George Washington mutters while walking out. Bill Clinton watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
88-119 (L)
Martin Luther King Jr. Opens with a sky hook! This absolute legend making an early statement!
Barack Obama, this hall-of-fame lock, comes up empty! A hook shot off target from the right corner!
Martin Luther King Jr. With the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost civil rights activist!
Abraham Lincoln gambles for the steal and pays the price! Ego the size of Texas!
Barack Obama with the step-back sky hook! Creating space like a community organizer with their bullhorn!
Halftime whistle. Martin Luther King Jr. Spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Word is Martin Luther King Jr. Sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Martin Luther King Jr. Drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a civil rights activist's spirit has limits!
Martin Luther King Jr. Misfires on the floater! Too much float, the civil rights activist touch abandoned them!
Bill Clinton manages the clock! Time management of a statesperson who never misses a deadline!
Bill Clinton spins a step slower than usual! Occasional mental lapses in the tank!
George Washington gave it everything! Everything a farmer has, left on the court!
George Washington and Barack Obama walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
100-112 (L)
George Washington stretches center court! Loosening up, the farmer is getting ready!
Martin Luther King Jr. Forces a half-court heave in the paint! This generational talent trying too hard!
Martin Luther King Jr. Posts up into a dead end from downtown! Turnover! Injury-prone body!
Bill Clinton gets posted up and scored on! This all-time great overpowered!
George Washington attacks at half court and finishes with a half-court heave! Too good!
Halftime whistle. Barack Obama flops into the first available chair. Word is Barack Obama sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Bill Clinton, this certified GOAT candidate, refuses to high-five! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the chemistry!
Martin Luther King Jr. Can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Abraham Lincoln counters the press! Problem solved, farmer style!
George Washington, this generational talent, sucking wind after that sprint! This ball game of battle!
Barack Obama sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a community organizer after their bullhorn broke!
Martin Luther King Jr. Lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Bill Clinton holds his in. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Martin Luther King Jr..
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Martin Luther King Jr.. Standing at 177 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Abraham Lincoln. A farmer in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles seed dibber better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Abraham Lincoln has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat stubborn soil and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Martin Luther King Jr..
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