My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Phoenix No-Defense | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Shaquille O'Neal is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 216 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Spider-Man. The man. Is. A superhero. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A superhero. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a superhero and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget is starting to look serious. We're no longer in the cheap seats, they've finally got a payroll that lets them look other franchises in the eye. The roster is balanced, there's talent at every position, and the bench isn't a cosmic void anymore. But they're dancing right on the luxury tax line, so every signing is an apothecary's calculation. A blockbuster trade? Possible, but something's gotta give. It's chess, and the GM is a pretty damn good player.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
75-119 (L)
Jésus-Christ bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
LeBron James can't buy a bucket! Another miss at the buzzer! Frustrating!
LeBron James fires away the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this absolute legend!
Jésus-Christ bites on the fake! Fooled like a messiah by counterfeit the game!
This all-time great Jésus-Christ stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Off to the locker room. Shaquille O'Neal has already drained two water bottles. True story: Shaquille O'Neal walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Detroit Engine-Roar. Awkward. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Shaquille O'Neal launches and fires but misses everything! Defense that's basically a suggestion tonight!
LeBron James, this towering presence, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Jésus-Christ with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
LeBron James mouths off and picks up a T! Injury-prone body taking over!
LeBron James walks off in silence. This potential GOAT gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Robert Wadlow presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. LeBron James walks right past without noticing. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
119-81 (W)
Jésus-Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute unit, glides at the buzzer for a silky sky hook!
Jésus-Christ racks up the helpers! Dishing like it's their messiah... Because it is!
Spider-Man scores with their bare hands, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
Spider-Man slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Freakish explosiveness in every step!
First half is done. Spider-Man is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Intel: Spider-Man asked Miami Heart-Attack for their energy drink recipe. They refused. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Jésus-Christ pulls off a bucket out of nowhere! Was that basketball or messiah magic? Unbelievable!
Spider-Man scores in garbage time! Garbage time? A superhero doesn't waste the game!
Robert Wadlow tries the behind-the-back and loses it! This guy everybody knows too fancy!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, flexes on the crowd! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench after a deep three!
Shaquille O'Neal, this franchise cornerstone, soaks in the moment! Victory from mid-range! A victory dance!
LeBron James and Shaquille O'Neal lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
101-120 (L)
This all-time great LeBron James in the starting lineup! Let's see what this all-time great brings!
Robert Wadlow just barely misses! Close as a circus performer getting the game almost right!
Shaquille O'Neal explodes into a trap! Lack of consistency when reading the defense!
Spider-Man gets blown by! Even a superhero couldn't stop that!
Spider-Man applies the same technique to the leather as to the game. A scoop layup in transition!
That's a cut. Robert Wadlow stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Robert Wadlow blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Spider-Man throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Jésus-Christ forces a bad layup! This certified GOAT candidate needs to trust teammates!
Robert Wadlow uses that circus performer IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Spider-Man misses from fatigue! This once-in-a-lifetime player can't get the elevation facing the rim!
This generational talent Shaquille O'Neal congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this generational talent.
Robert Wadlow closes his eyes walking out. Shaquille O'Neal keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
113-105 (W)
Spider-Man, this elusive guard, announced to huge cheers! A Playoff atmosphere!
LeBron James converts a tough hook shot from way beyond the arc! Skill level: elite!
Robert Wadlow stands firm! Not moving, this circus performer is planted!
Spider-Man with the lob pass facing the rim! This global icon to the teammate! Boom!
Shaquille O'Neal, this generational talent, manages the clock beautifully in the first half!
Halftime. Jésus-Christ wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Exclusive info: Jésus-Christ is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
A step-back three from Jésus-Christ! This global icon just keeps delivering!
Shaquille O'Neal, this hall-of-fame lock, waves the crowd up! A roaring arena rising!
Spider-Man rallies everyone! The rally of a superhero rallying around the game!
Jésus-Christ penetrates into the record books! This living legend making memories!
Jésus-Christ pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This global icon savors the win!
Spider-Man does the robot at center court while Jésus-Christ pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
91-109 (L)
Robert Wadlow, this established star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Shaquille O'Neal, this hall-of-fame lock, fumbles the finish on the low block! Back to the drawing board!
Sloppy handling by Spider-Man! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James can't recover! Scored on from downtown! Injury-prone body!
Jésus-Christ goes coast to coast for a hook shot! This franchise cornerstone is relentless!
End of the first act. Jésus-Christ is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? Jésus-Christ once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Shaquille O'Neal dribbles angrily after the turnover! This hall-of-fame lock spiraling!
Robert Wadlow misses! Even a circus performer can't fix that shot!
Robert Wadlow adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a circus performer with the game!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, with tired legs from the left corner! Tendency to rush slowing this hall-of-fame lock down!
LeBron James pulls up past the media. This generational talent not in the mood to talk.
LeBron James walks toward the tunnel without a word. Spider-Man stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Tonight I learned LeBron James used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
101-98 (W)
Spider-Man wins the opening tip! Tipping off with superhero energy!
Shaquille O'Neal with a textbook defensive stance! That's how you do it!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal muscles up a buzzer-beater but can't get it to fall!
A finger roll from Shaquille O'Neal! Another dagger! This guy with rings on every finger closing the door!
LeBron James penetrates the ball out of the trap! A killer instinct under pressure!
Halftime. Shaquille O'Neal glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little secret: Shaquille O'Neal listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Jésus-Christ comes alive in crunch time! The messiah instinct kicks in!
Shaquille O'Neal, this big fella, swats it into the third row! A drawn charge!
Spider-Man dunks to an eruption! Wild stands! What a moment!
Jésus-Christ, this guy with rings on every finger, draws the foul on the inbound pass! Free throws coming!
Spider-Man hugs the coach! The warmth of a superhero who just nailed it!
Shaquille O'Neal drops to his knees and kisses the court. LeBron James pretends to gag. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
104-95 (W)
LeBron James, this all-time great, draws first blood! A sky hook to start!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, uses every inch to deliver a devastating dunk!
Robert Wadlow with the chase-down drawn charge! What athleticism!
Robert Wadlow, this titan, with the pocket pass! A killer instinct in tight spaces!
Spider-Man reads the defense perfectly! Silky smooth technique and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Finally a breather. Shaquille O'Neal has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. They say Shaquille O'Neal has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Spider-Man pops the jumper! Clean as their bare hands after a polish!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, gets the standing ovation! Wild stands!
This absolute legend LeBron James defers to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
Robert Wadlow launches with purpose! Iron discipline driving this team forward!
Jésus-Christ finishes what they started! Finishing the leather like finishing the game!
Shaquille O'Neal and Spider-Man attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Jésus-Christ films the whole thing. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
109-115 (L)
Robert Wadlow gets the starting nod! A circus performer starting with their bare hands confidence!
Spider-Man misses on the final possession! A superhero dropping the game at the worst time!
Jésus-Christ gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a messiah's grip!
This global icon LeBron James commits the and-one foul! Hot head in positioning!
Spider-Man strings together an alley-oop from downtown. That dawg mentality on full display!
Halftime. LeBron James throws his towel on the floor walking in. Exclusive: LeBron James was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Shaquille O'Neal mutters to himself walking back! This basketball god fighting inner demons!
Spider-Man can't buy a bucket! Maybe the game would be easier to aim!
This certified GOAT candidate Jésus-Christ sets the back screen! Silky smooth technique off-ball contribution!
Spider-Man mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
Shaquille O'Neal had the chances but couldn't convert. This certified GOAT candidate left wanting.
LeBron James snaps at the bench on his way out. Robert Wadlow says nothing, but his look says everything. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
121-93 (W)
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal catches the basketball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
A hook shot from Shaquille O'Neal! This global icon is putting on a show tonight!
Jésus-Christ holds the line in the elbow! The discipline of a messiah with their bare hands!
This certified GOAT candidate Shaquille O'Neal turns the corner and finds the open man! Unselfish!
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a thunderous slam!
The locker room. Spider-Man sprawls out full-length on the bench. Fun fact: Spider-Man tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Spider-Man knocks it down! Solid as a superhero with their bare hands in hand!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James turns the hostile crowd into stunned silence!
This franchise guy Robert Wadlow unites the locker room! Silky smooth technique captain's mentality!
Shaquille O'Neal, this all-time great, has the intangibles! Night-in night-out consistency beyond the stats!
Jésus-Christ can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
LeBron James and Jésus-Christ form a tunnel for Spider-Man to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-112 (L)
Spider-Man locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a superhero who means business!
Shaquille O'Neal takes a tough alley-oop and it doesn't go! Hot head in shot selection!
Spider-Man throws it away! A pass worse than a superhero tossing the game!
Spider-Man falls asleep on the weak side! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
This living legend Spider-Man punishes the defense with an off-balance shot from way beyond the arc!
The players head to the locker room. LeBron James is sweating like a racehorse. Fun fact: LeBron James is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Jésus-Christ, this solid build, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Jésus-Christ can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The pill through the hoop, nope!
This all-time great Shaquille O'Neal attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
This franchise cornerstone Jésus-Christ can barely jump! The springs are gone facing the rim!
Spider-Man leaves the hardwood quietly! Quiet as a superhero after the game setback!
Robert Wadlow punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Shaquille O'Neal slides down the wall to the floor. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
96-99 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal comes out firing! A half-court heave in the first minute!
Spider-Man with the fadeaway and-one! Smooth as their bare hands in action!
Jésus-Christ gives up the back door! Sometimes predictable game when overplaying!
Spider-Man misses the open look! This guy with rings on every finger can't believe it! Hot head!
Robert Wadlow finds another gear! Switching modes like a circus performer grabbing their bare hands!
The players disappear. Robert Wadlow has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: Robert Wadlow tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Spider-Man airballs the potential winner! Competing the game is easier than this!
Jésus-Christ stares in disbelief! The look of a messiah who just lost everything!
Spider-Man, this undisputed superstar, is playing with nothing to lose! Watch out, this undisputed superstar is dangerous!
Jésus-Christ misses in the clutch! A scoop layup off the mark in the first half!
Robert Wadlow fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the circus performer gave everything!
Robert Wadlow turns back to look at the court one last time. Spider-Man doesn't turn around. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
102-104 (L)
The game begins and LeBron James is ready! You can see an unmatched feel for the game written all over his face!
Shaquille O'Neal, this undisputed superstar, drops a scoop layup back to the basket! Pure artistry!
Spider-Man gets posted up and scored on! This absolute legend overpowered!
Jésus-Christ misses at the buzzer! A messiah who missed the deadline!
LeBron James, this living legend, makes the huge stop! Defense fueling the comeback!
Break. Shaquille O'Neal's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Physio's confession: Shaquille O'Neal purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Jésus-Christ coughs it up with the game on the line! The game slipping away!
This elite player Robert Wadlow can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
A narrative for the ages: Spider-Man, the superhero who mastered their bare hands and the pill!
Spider-Man fouls at the worst time! A superhero tripping over the game!
Robert Wadlow looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a circus performer!
Jésus-Christ collapses into the first available chair. Spider-Man stays standing, eyes glazed over. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
76-120 (L)
LeBron James, this big fella, sets the tone immediately! Insane court vision from the jump!
Jésus-Christ, this combo guard, gets the look but can't convert from mid-range!
LeBron James, this long boy, commits the travel! Heavy feet in the footwork!
Shaquille O'Neal gets screened out of the play! This first-ballot legend lost in traffic!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, sits down hard on the bench! Injury-prone body written all over his face!
The players head in. Shaquille O'Neal slips on the wet tunnel floor. Juicy anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Spider-Man misses the open look! A superhero never misses the game... But misses the pill!
This absolute legend Spider-Man can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Spider-Man with the errant pass! This global icon needs to settle down!
LeBron James, this big fella, shows negative body language! Heavy feet creeping in!
LeBron James, this household name, takes the loss hard. Sometimes predictable game at the wrong moments.
LeBron James bites the inside of his cheek. Robert Wadlow pinches the bridge of his nose. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
95-109 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal, this colossus, takes the court! The Playoff atmosphere is electric!
A euro-step from Spider-Man sails wide! This undisputed superstar needs to regroup!
LeBron James, this giant, gets stripped driving to the hoop! Limited stamina exposed!
LeBron James, this tower, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over lack of consistency!
A fadeaway jumper by Shaquille O'Neal! The crowd erupts! Pure God-given talent personified!
Halftime! Robert Wadlow checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Robert Wadlow tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Robert Wadlow waves off the play! The authority of a circus performer in that gesture!
Shaquille O'Neal rushes a fadeaway jumper off the pick and roll! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
This potential GOAT LeBron James recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Robert Wadlow, this established star, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
LeBron James sits alone on the bench. This absolute legend processing the defeat.
Shaquille O'Neal snaps at the bench on his way out. Robert Wadlow says nothing, but his look says everything. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-128 (L)
Spider-Man takes the court to a Playoff atmosphere! The superhero with their bare hands is here!
This hall-of-fame lock Spider-Man throws up a prayer off the pick and roll! Not answered!
Jésus-Christ dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a messiah like that!
Jésus-Christ can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Shaquille O'Neal, this undisputed superstar, refuses to high-five! Occasional mental lapses hurting the chemistry!
Halftime whistle. Shaquille O'Neal high-fives his teammates on the way out. True story: Shaquille O'Neal had his parking spot stolen by Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's mascot. Still talks about it. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Brick! LeBron James misfires from the right corner! Limited stamina at the worst time!
Spider-Man grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
Spider-Man with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost superhero!
Shaquille O'Neal, this colossus, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal shakes hands and moves on. In the end, limited stamina proved costly.
Jésus-Christ and Shaquille O'Neal share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
My Team finishes #11 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season journal
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