touchers — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | touchers | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Touchers! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Drake! Picture this: the man is massive, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Jeffrey Epstein is on this team. Jeffrey Epstein, who is a philanthropist and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with bare hands under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-123 (L)
Sean Combs lands the first and-one! First blood! The philanthropist strikes first!
Jeffrey Epstein misses! Even a philanthropist can't fix that shot!
مايكل جاكسون turns it over on the final possession! A philanthropist dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Donald Trump fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a film producer chasing the risky picture!
Sean Combs throws their hands up! Like a philanthropist when their bare hands breaks!
The players head to the locker room. Drake is sweating like a racehorse. Fun fact: Drake blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Donald Trump misfires in the paint! Their loaded checkbook calibration needed!
مايكل جاكسون is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Drake commits the live-ball turnover! Their hot mic would be ashamed!
مايكل جاكسون storms to the bench! This basketball god is visibly upset!
Drake sits alone on the bench. This all-time great processing the defeat.
مايكل جاكسون is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Jeffrey Epstein waits at the tunnel entrance. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
101-115 (L)
Drake sets the tone early! The rapper came to play tonight!
Sean Combs air-mails a layup at the top of the key! Way off for this big-name player!
Donald Trump throws it away! Tendency to force bad shots under pressure at the buzzer!
Drake falls asleep on the weak side! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
مايكل جاكسون applies the same technique to the orange as to the game. A fadeaway jumper under the basket!
That's a cut. Jeffrey Epstein stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. True story: Jeffrey Epstein had his parking spot stolen by Miami Heart-Attack's mascot. Still talks about it. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Jeffrey Epstein goes to work away from the huddle! This basketball god in a dark place mentally!
Jeffrey Epstein, this smooth operator, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this generational talent!
Donald Trump goes to the post! That film producer strength is showing!
مايكل جاكسون finds a second wind! The philanthropist engine roars back to life!
Drake packs up and heads out! Packing their hot mic, unpacking emotions!
Jeffrey Epstein pulls his cap down over his eyes. Sean Combs doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Jeffrey Epstein's name. Forgive me. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
95-113 (L)
This elite player Sean Combs catches the orange early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Brick! Donald Trump misfires in transition! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
Donald Trump explodes into a trap! Tendency to rush when reading the defense!
This hall-of-fame lock Jeffrey Epstein commits the and-one foul! Limited stamina in positioning!
Jeffrey Epstein drains it! Emptying the tank like a philanthropist on double shift!
Halftime. مايكل جاكسون wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Word is مايكل جاكسون sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Donald Trump drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a film producer's spirit has limits!
Sean Combs misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the game!
Jeffrey Epstein, this combo guard, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Drake, this household name, is dragging! The allotted time minutes taking their toll!
Jeffrey Epstein sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a philanthropist after their bare hands broke!
Donald Trump turns back to look at the court one last time. Sean Combs doesn't turn around. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
102-109 (L)
Donald Trump, this basketball god, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Sean Combs, this jersey-selling name, with a contested floater that misses in transition!
Sloppy handling by Jeffrey Epstein! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Donald Trump, this swiss-army-knife type, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over shaky emotions under pressure!
Drake knocks it down! Solid as a rapper with their hot mic in hand!
First half is done. Drake is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know Drake started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Jeffrey Epstein mouths off and picks up a T! Limited stamina taking over!
Drake can't hit from the right wing! That zone is cursed for this rapper!
Donald Trump uses a slow, deliberate tempo brilliantly! Strategy from greenlighting the risky picture!
Sean Combs, this tweener, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Drake looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a rapper!
Drake's lip is trembling. Jeffrey Epstein dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-94 (W)
مايكل جاكسون locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a philanthropist who means business!
Jeffrey Epstein sinks it from the right corner. A philanthropist never misses the game, and never misses the hoop!
مايكل جاكسون smothers the ball handler! That's a philanthropist who doesn't let go!
مايكل جاكسون, this little firecracker, drops the dime! Scary good handles passing on display!
Donald Trump pins the defender! Pinning them down with film producer authority!
That's a wrap for now. Donald Trump dives into the tunnel. Anecdote: Donald Trump once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
مايكل جاكسون rises and fires! Competing the game never felt this athletic!
This hall-of-fame lock مايكل جاكسون acknowledges the fans! Immense pressure of mutual respect!
Sean Combs holds the huddle together! That philanthropist leadership on full display!
Jeffrey Epstein, this all-time great, has been building to this all game! Late in the quarter!
مايكل جاكسون ends on a high note! A philanthropist who finishes strong every time!
Donald Trump rips the net off the rim. Drake wraps it around his neck like a scarf. I learned tonight that Donald Trump used to be a philanthropist. That explains the unique running style. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
82-122 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
Air ball from Drake! Being a rapper doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Donald Trump dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the film producer's finest moment!
Sean Combs beaten to the spot! Slower than a philanthropist on a Monday morning!
مايكل جاكسون gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
The players file out. Sean Combs exchanges a tense look with the coach. Anecdote: Sean Combs once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Sean Combs, this all-around player, gets the look but can't convert along the baseline!
Drake struggles in the final quarter! The rapper hitting the wall with the fiery bars!
Drake loses the Spalding! A rapper would never be this careless!
Drake mouths off on the final possession! A rapper venting about the fiery bars!
مايكل جاكسون takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad philanthropist day!
مايكل جاكسون stares at the floor while Drake mutters something inaudible under his breath. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
96-102 (L)
Drake attacks with energy from the opening whistle! This undisputed superstar locked in!
Jeffrey Epstein, this living legend, with the shot-clock heave! No good back to the basket!
Sean Combs loses possession! The game never leaves a philanthropist's hands like that!
Sean Combs can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Jeffrey Epstein attacks at the top of the key and finishes with a catch-and-shoot triple! Too good!
That's a cut. Donald Trump stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Physio's confession: Donald Trump purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Donald Trump can't mask the disappointment! This household name wearing it on the sleeve!
Drake, this first-ballot legend, comes up empty! A bucket off target at the buzzer!
Drake reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this rapper!
Sean Combs misses from fatigue! This established star can't get the elevation at the top of the key!
This franchise cornerstone مايكل جاكسون leaves the temple of basketball with head held high. Fought to the end.
Sean Combs whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Donald Trump nods without conviction. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-113 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Drake in the starting lineup! Let's see what this once-in-a-lifetime player brings!
مايكل جاكسون puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Sean Combs double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Sean Combs lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this elite player fooled!
Sean Combs scores with their bare hands, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
Halftime. Drake glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know Drake started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Jeffrey Epstein, this basketball god, with the frustrated foul! Injury-prone body in tough moments!
Drake launches a fadeaway jumper and... Airball! Defense that's basically a suggestion at its peak!
Sean Combs reads the defense perfectly! Night-in night-out consistency and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Donald Trump calls for the sub! Even a film producer's stamina with their loaded checkbook has limits!
مايكل جاكسون walks off in defeat! Even a philanthropist's skills couldn't save tonight!
مايكل جاكسون scratches the back of his neck nervously. Jeffrey Epstein has the look of someone who has seen things. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
97-112 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Donald Trump shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a film producer would cringe!
Sean Combs, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Occasional mental lapses when protecting the leather!
Donald Trump left in the dust! Even a film producer moves faster than that!
مايكل جاكسون, this low-to-the-ground speedster, glides to from mid-range for a silky bucket!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Drake to massage his thighs. Did you know? Drake once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
This household name مايكل جاكسون can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
مايكل جاكسون misses the open look! A philanthropist never misses the game... But misses the damn ball!
مايكل جاكسون, this first-ballot legend, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a deep three!
Drake tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a rapper's energy for the fiery bars!
Sean Combs wipes a tear! A philanthropist who poured everything into the effort!
Jeffrey Epstein snaps at the bench on his way out. مايكل جاكسون says nothing, but his look says everything. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
104-117 (L)
Donald Trump steps onto the venue! From greenlighting the risky picture to this, game time!
Drake skips it off the rim! The fiery bars has better hop than that!
Donald Trump throws it away! A pass worse than a film producer tossing the risky picture!
مايكل جاكسون beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a philanthropist!
Sean Combs cuts and scores! Sharp as their bare hands, this philanthropist!
Break time. Sean Combs bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: Sean Combs blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
مايكل جاكسون glares at the rock! Like it personally betrayed this philanthropist!
Donald Trump can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the Wilson differently than the risky picture!
Sean Combs pushes the pace in transition! Freakish explosiveness showing in every play!
Drake is spent! Used up like the fiery bars after a rapper's long day!
Jeffrey Epstein reflects on what could have been. Heavy feet the difference tonight.
مايكل جاكسون takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Drake doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
101-98 (W)
Opening possession for مايكل جاكسون! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Sean Combs reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
مايكل جاكسون shoots an air ball in an electric crowd! A philanthropist lost in the noise!
Drake converts the and-one! Tough as spitting the fiery bars all day!
Sean Combs spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
End of the first act. Drake is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Rumor has it Drake tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This generational talent Jeffrey Epstein takes over! Back-to-back a bank shot in crunch time!
Donald Trump forces the step-out-of-bounds! This franchise cornerstone hawking the ball!
Sean Combs soaks in a cathedral silence! This guy everybody knows living for these moments!
This potential GOAT Jeffrey Epstein hits the biggest shot of the season! In the dying seconds!
Drake finishes with a monster stat line! Numbers a rapper would be proud of!
Jeffrey Epstein climbs onto the scorer's table. Drake joins him. Security is unsure whether to intervene. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
93-129 (L)
Sean Combs wins the opening tip! Tipping off with philanthropist energy!
Donald Trump bricks it! Not the same accuracy as greenlighting the risky picture!
Jeffrey Epstein charges right into the defender! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses when controlling pace!
Jeffrey Epstein bites on the fake! Fooled like a philanthropist by counterfeit the game!
Sean Combs waves off the play! The authority of a philanthropist in that gesture!
Rest time. Sean Combs isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Confession: Sean Combs calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
مايكل جاكسون, this scrappy guard, bobbles the basketball and the chance evaporates at the top of the key!
مايكل جاكسون cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the pill double duty!
This absolute legend Drake forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Donald Trump tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the film producer will bounce back!
Drake consoles teammates! The heart of a rapper in that moment!
مايكل جاكسون is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Drake waits at the tunnel entrance. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
99-103 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein, this combo guard, takes the court! The crowd fully behind them is electric!
مايكل جاكسون hits the mid-range! The sweet spot, just like their bare hands placement!
Donald Trump caught flat-footed! Standing still, the film producer reflexes took a nap!
Sean Combs clanks another one off the rim! This max-contract guy needs to find rhythm!
Donald Trump electrifies the comeback! Electric, the film producer is supercharged!
Break! Donald Trump heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Little secret: Donald Trump watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
This all-time great Jeffrey Epstein fouls in the clutch! Heavy feet showing late!
Drake, this absolute legend, barks at the teammate! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Sean Combs, the philanthropist from the day shift, is writing their story on the temple of basketball tonight!
مايكل جاكسون can't deliver! Even a philanthropist can't help in this overtime!
Sean Combs walks off in silence. This jersey-selling name gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jeffrey Epstein hurls his water bottle at the wall. Drake flinches but doesn't react. I got a text from Jeffrey Epstein after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-120 (L)
This living legend Drake comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater off the pick and roll!
Drake with the contested deep three from the right corner! No good! Bad selection!
Jeffrey Epstein, this combo guard, fumbles the entry pass at the top of the key!
Donald Trump gets crossed over! This global icon left frozen under the basket!
Sean Combs, this smooth operator, shows negative body language! Hot head creeping in!
Off to the locker room. Jeffrey Epstein has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Jeffrey Epstein slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Jeffrey Epstein fades away but it's well off! Defense that's basically a suggestion under fatigue!
Donald Trump stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a film producer over the risky picture!
مايكل جاكسون with the backcourt violation! A philanthropist going backwards with the game!
Jeffrey Epstein crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This hall-of-fame lock losing composure!
مايكل جاكسون refuses to make excuses! A philanthropist owns the game failures too!
مايكل جاكسون refuses San Antonio Skyscrapers's handshake. Drake offers a limp one with just his fingertips. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
98-123 (L)
Game time! Jeffrey Epstein and this franchise cornerstone ready to put on a show at the floor!
Sean Combs misfires back to the basket! Even this All-Star caliber talent has off nights!
This franchise cornerstone مايكل جاكسون gets pickpocketed back to the basket! Sloppy handling!
مايكل جاكسون loses the screen battle! Limited stamina around the picks!
Donald Trump punishes the defense! A film producer punishing the risky picture with precision!
Rest. Donald Trump buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Little scoop: Donald Trump collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Donald Trump kicks the air! The frustration of a film producer who knows they can do better!
Donald Trump, this all-around player, gets the separation but can't finish! Heavy feet!
Drake schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true rapper!
مايكل جاكسون is cramping up! This all-time great trying to shake it off! Occasional mental lapses!
Drake, this solid build, trudges off the arena. Lessons to take from this one.
Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I learned backstage that Donald Trump also does philanthropist on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
touchers finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Drake.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Touchers!
Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Drake! Picture this: the man is massive, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Jeffrey Epstein is on this team. Jeffrey Epstein, who is a philanthropist and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with bare hands under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
touchers finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Drake.
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