My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | My Team | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Victor Wembanyama. The man. The beast. Standing at 224 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Mickey Mouse. An amateur. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: an amateur, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Mickey Mouse has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Let's address the elephant in the room: the budget is OBSCENE. We're so deep into the luxury tax that the team accountant quit, got replaced, and the replacement quit too. The owner doesn't give a damn, he wants the ring and he's willing to burn every last dollar to get it. The result? An absolute dream roster. Every name on this lineup card sends shivers down opponents' spines. It's like playing NBA 2K with the sliders maxed out. It's almost unfair. And tonight, it probably will be.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-121 (L)
This established star Yao Ming in the starting lineup! Let's see what this established star brings!
Darth Vader puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Mickey Mouse, this versatile guy, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
Mickey Mouse, this smooth operator, gets blown by on the perimeter! Injury-prone body in the legs!
This all-time great Stephen Hawking fouls hard out of frustration! Limited stamina showing!
Off to the locker room. Mickey Mouse has already drained two water bottles. Fun fact: Mickey Mouse was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Yao Ming with a wild attempt! This guy everybody knows not finding the range tonight!
This established player Victor Wembanyama can't close out! The legs are shot in transition!
Yao Ming with the errant pass! This max-contract guy needs to settle down!
Victor Wembanyama slams the Wilson in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Mickey Mouse, this household name, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Darth Vader replays the score in his head on a loop. Victor Wembanyama tries to think about something else. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
101-96 (W)
The game begins and Victor Wembanyama is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
Mickey Mouse with nerves of steel finds the angle for a devastating dunk!
Stephen Hawking shuts the door on the low block! That's how you play defense!
This franchise guy Yao Ming orchestrates the offense at half court! Maestro!
Stephen Hawking manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their lecture notes on the young scholars!
Halftime. Darth Vader's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Intel: Darth Vader refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Yao Ming rises up and it's a deep three! This top-tier talent proving the doubters wrong!
Yao Ming, this long boy, gets the standing ovation! A sold-out gym on fire!
This household name Stephen Hawking motivates the squad in the huddle! Natural leader!
Yao Ming, this towering presence, carries the weight of the team on those shoulders!
Victor Wembanyama, this well-respected player, points to the crowd! A salute to the fans! This was for the fans!
Mickey Mouse and Stephen Hawking cradle the game ball like a baby. Darth Vader takes a photo. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
104-105 (L)
Darth Vader begins their shift on the den! A jedi starting the their bare hands shift!
Victor Wembanyama, this mountain of a man, takes over on the low block. A fadeaway jumper! That's elite!
This solid pro Victor Wembanyama commits the and-one foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in positioning!
Mickey Mouse dribbles the Wilson right into the defender's hands! Ego the size of Texas!
This potential GOAT Stephen Hawking hits the big three! The deficit down to single digits!
Intermission. Victor Wembanyama dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Exclusive: Victor Wembanyama was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Darth Vader turns it over on a strategic timeout! Worst time to drop the orange!
Stephen Hawking stares in disbelief! The look of a university professor who just lost everything!
This all-time great Stephen Hawking refuses to lose! The will of a champion!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Stephen Hawking gets called for the charge in after a timeout! Brutal!
This basketball god Darth Vader tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Darth Vader looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Victor Wembanyama looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Victor Wembanyama. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
111-110 (W)
Stephen Hawking locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a university professor who means business!
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Stephen Hawking muscles up a bank shot but can't get it to fall!
Stephen Hawking with the highlight-reel tear drop! This once-in-a-lifetime player owning the moment!
Darth Vader executes a quick ball-movement offense perfectly! Precision learned as a jedi!
Back to the locker room. Stephen Hawking punches his locker. Confession: Stephen Hawking tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Stephen Hawking sinks it when it counts! Money time for this university professor!
This potential GOAT Mickey Mouse forces the air ball with pressure! Suffocating!
The building is buzzing! Victor Wembanyama and an incredible energy creating magic!
Stephen Hawking with ice in their veins! Cool as a university professor when everything's on the line!
Yao Ming, this big fella, celebrates the win! A raised fist! What a game!
Darth Vader points both hands at the sky. Mickey Mouse points at Darth Vader. Victor Wembanyama points at the exit. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-109 (L)
The venue welcomes Stephen Hawking! The university professor with the young scholars has arrived!
Victor Wembanyama with the contested two-handed slam from downtown! No good! Bad selection!
Victor Wembanyama coughs up the damn ball! Sometimes predictable game strikes again from the left corner!
Victor Wembanyama reacts too late to rotate! Hot head on the help side!
Darth Vader floats one in off the pick and roll! Delicate as a jedi with their bare hands!
Break! Stephen Hawking takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Stephen Hawking tried to impress the Phoenix No-Defense players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Victor Wembanyama drives away from the huddle! This established player in a dark place mentally!
Darth Vader, this colossus, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to rush!
Darth Vader counters the press! Problem solved, jedi style!
This guy with a proven track record Victor Wembanyama can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This up-and-coming baller Victor Wembanyama stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this up-and-coming baller wanted.
Darth Vader sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Mickey Mouse has his head in his hands. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
100-106 (L)
This global icon Stephen Hawking opens the scoring! A tear drop! Early advantage!
Stephen Hawking, this absolute legend, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Stephen Hawking, this versatile guy, fumbles the entry pass from downtown!
This undisputed superstar Stephen Hawking bites on the fake! Beaten from downtown!
Victor Wembanyama, this legit talent, exploits the mismatch for a bank shot! Too easy!
Break! Yao Ming rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know? Yao Ming launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Yao Ming storms to the bench! This reliable star is visibly upset!
Victor Wembanyama forces a bad double-clutch layup! This respected competitor needs to trust teammates!
Darth Vader pins the defender! Pinning them down with jedi authority!
Stephen Hawking calls for the sub! Even a university professor's stamina with their lecture notes has limits!
Yao Ming pulls up to the tunnel in disappointment. This guy everybody knows will learn from this.
Mickey Mouse's eyes are red, jaw tight. Darth Vader apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Tonight I had a revelation: Darth Vader runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
99-103 (L)
Mickey Mouse, this living legend, draws first blood! A bank shot to start!
This elite player Yao Ming goes to work in the paint! A scoop layup drops beautifully!
Victor Wembanyama, this absolute unit, lets the shooter get free at the top of the key! Costly lapse!
Yao Ming fires a reverse layup at the buzzer but can't connect! Hot head showing!
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama draws the charge! Momentum swinging in the paint!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Darth Vader picks up the pace. Rumor has it Darth Vader does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Mickey Mouse dishes and bricks it! Occasional mental lapses in the extra period!
This seasoned vet Victor Wembanyama stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Victor Wembanyama explodes with conviction! This league veteran believes tonight is the night!
Stephen Hawking, this combo guard, rattles out the free throw! Lack of consistency getting the best of this global icon!
This jersey-selling name Yao Ming shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Victor Wembanyama slams his fist on the bench. Yao Ming places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
101-123 (L)
This certified bucket Yao Ming means business! Fast start off the pick and roll!
This generational talent Mickey Mouse misfires again! Hot head could cost the team!
Victor Wembanyama, this walking skyscraper, commits the travel! Sometimes predictable game in the footwork!
Yao Ming gets burned on the drive! Ego the size of Texas in lateral movement!
Darth Vader crosses over and scores! Those jedi hands work wonders with the damn ball!
Break! Mickey Mouse takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Exclusive info: Mickey Mouse is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Victor Wembanyama, this seasoned vet, refuses to high-five! Ego the size of Texas hurting the chemistry!
Victor Wembanyama, this next-level player, with a contested deep three that misses off the pick and roll!
This respected competitor Victor Wembanyama calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Mickey Mouse penetrates but the legs won't cooperate! Hot head catching up!
This up-and-coming baller Victor Wembanyama leaves the gym with head held high. Fought to the end.
Mickey Mouse is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Darth Vader waits at the tunnel entrance. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
98-95 (W)
Yao Ming takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Yao Ming strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
Victor Wembanyama, this mountain of a man, gets the look back to the basket but the lid's on the rim!
Darth Vader steps back the damn ball beautifully for a two-handed slam! What touch!
Darth Vader dishes with purpose every possession! This undisputed superstar chess master!
Halftime. Mickey Mouse is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Intel: Mickey Mouse once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Stephen Hawking drills the three in this long-awaited duel! Three lengths ahead of pure university professor grit!
This absolute legend Darth Vader forces the bad pass! An off-the-charts basketball IQ creating turnovers!
Victor Wembanyama in a packed arena! This legit talent has been waiting for this stage!
This first-ballot legend Mickey Mouse answers back immediately! A bank shot off the pick and roll! Resilient!
Stephen Hawking celebrates at the final buzzer! Celebration worthy of their lecture notes!
Stephen Hawking grabs Darth Vader and hoists him onto his shoulders. Yao Ming tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-113 (L)
Yao Ming, this big fella, sets the tone immediately! That dawg mentality from the jump!
This hall-of-fame lock Mickey Mouse puts up a step-back three but it won't fall! Off night!
This legit talent Victor Wembanyama commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to force bad shots!
Mickey Mouse turns the head and loses the man! This guy with rings on every finger napping defensively!
Mickey Mouse, this solid build, showcases night-in night-out consistency with a gorgeous floater!
Break! Yao Ming has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Confession: Yao Ming believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Stephen Hawking looks to the heavens! A university professor praying for their lecture notes to work!
This living legend Mickey Mouse misses the mark! A bank shot goes begging driving to the hoop!
This certified GOAT candidate Mickey Mouse recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Yao Ming, this mountain of a man, looks exhausted from the left corner! The legs are gone!
Yao Ming sits alone on the bench. This big-name player processing the defeat.
Yao Ming and Victor Wembanyama share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-116 (L)
Victor Wembanyama opens with a floater! This established player making an early statement!
Yao Ming, this mountain of a man, gets stuffed trying a bank shot! Denied!
This hall-of-fame lock Mickey Mouse forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This respected competitor Victor Wembanyama caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Darth Vader shakes their head! A jedi who can't believe that just happened!
Off to the locker room. Darth Vader has already drained two water bottles. Intel: Darth Vader refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Victor Wembanyama, this mammoth, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this name that's buzzing!
Darth Vader drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Mickey Mouse passes to nobody! This once-in-a-lifetime player with a head-scratching decision!
Victor Wembanyama shoots and kicks the stanchion! This seasoned vet losing composure!
Mickey Mouse, this all-time great, takes the loss hard. Sometimes predictable game at the wrong moments.
Mickey Mouse slams his fist on the bench. Darth Vader places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Mickey Mouse's name. Forgive me. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
103-112 (L)
Game time! Yao Ming and this headliner ready to put on a show at the floor!
A euro-step from Mickey Mouse sails wide! This absolute legend needs to regroup!
Stolen from Darth Vader! A jedi who let it slip through their fingers!
Stephen Hawking loses the battle in the paint! Being a university professor doesn't help you here!
Victor Wembanyama, this established player, drops an and-one in transition! Pure artistry!
Break. Yao Ming collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Little secret: Yao Ming has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Yao Ming glares at the scoreboard! This All-Star caliber talent not happy with the situation!
Stephen Hawking, this first-ballot legend, with the shot-clock heave! No good on the low block!
Mickey Mouse, this potential GOAT, orchestrates the delay game! Silky smooth technique in action!
Darth Vader bends over during the dead ball! This global icon gathering what's left!
This global icon Mickey Mouse congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this global icon.
Victor Wembanyama presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Darth Vader walks right past without noticing. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
86-109 (L)
This basketball god Mickey Mouse comes out aggressive! Opens with a devastating dunk at half court!
Victor Wembanyama forces a buzzer-beater from the left corner! This seasoned vet trying too hard!
Stephen Hawking lets fly the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this all-time great!
This seasoned vet Victor Wembanyama gives up the offensive rebound! Ego the size of Texas when boxing out!
Darth Vader attacks in the paint and finishes with a reverse layup! Too good!
First half is done. Mickey Mouse is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Exclusive: Mickey Mouse was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Victor Wembanyama mouths off and picks up a T! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Stephen Hawking misses the open look! This global icon can't believe it! Occasional mental lapses!
Yao Ming posts up to the right spot! Night-in night-out consistency off-ball movement!
Mickey Mouse is cramping up! This generational talent trying to shake it off! Heavy feet!
Mickey Mouse walks off in silence. This living legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Victor Wembanyama walks head down toward the tunnel. Darth Vader drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
94-107 (L)
Darth Vader stretches center court! Loosening up, the jedi is getting ready!
Mickey Mouse, this solid build, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to rush!
Mickey Mouse explodes into a trap! Occasional mental lapses when reading the defense!
This first-ballot legend Mickey Mouse picks up the cheap foul! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
This well-respected player Victor Wembanyama with a picture-perfect finger roll! The crowd goes wild!
Players head to the locker room. Victor Wembanyama has tape on three fingers. Did you know? Victor Wembanyama launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Stephen Hawking argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to challenging the young scholars!
Mickey Mouse launches the damn ball into nothing! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display tonight!
Stephen Hawking spaces the floor! Making room out there like a university professor clears the workspace!
This undisputed superstar Stephen Hawking has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Victor Wembanyama reflects on what could have been. Lack of consistency the difference tonight.
Yao Ming chews his nails on the bench. Victor Wembanyama stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I learned tonight that Yao Ming used to be a volunteer firefighter. That explains the unique running style. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-129 (L)
Tip-off! Victor Wembanyama gets us started! Let's go!
A devastating dunk from Mickey Mouse hits the iron! Injury-prone body under the spotlight!
Victor Wembanyama loses the Spalding in traffic! This solid pro can't afford that!
Darth Vader bites on the fake! Fooled like a jedi by counterfeit the game!
Darth Vader slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a jedi hits the workbench!
Rest. Mickey Mouse buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know Mickey Mouse once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Darth Vader misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Stephen Hawking grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their lecture notes in the workshop!
Darth Vader trips up in the three-point line! A jedi never trips at work... Right?
This absolute legend Mickey Mouse throws an elbow in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Victor Wembanyama penetrates past the media. This up-and-coming baller not in the mood to talk.
Yao Ming stares at the floor while Darth Vader mutters something inaudible under his breath. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
My Team finishes #14 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season journal
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