My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Phoenix No-Defense | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Darth Vader. Standing at 202 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Harry Potter, his brother-in-law and a juggler by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Harry Potter can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
96-123 (L)
Jesus Christ sets the tone early! The messiah came to play tonight!
Darth Vader, this global icon, comes up empty! A double-clutch layup off target from way beyond the arc!
Jesus Christ throws it away! Sometimes predictable game under pressure in the paint!
Harry Potter loses the battle in the paint! Being a juggler doesn't help you here!
Harry Potter hooks it in! The arc of a juggler swinging their bare hands!
Time to breathe. Harry Potter has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. True story: Harry Potter had his parking spot stolen by Detroit Engine-Roar's mascot. Still talks about it. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Harry Potter storms to the bench! This basketball god is visibly upset!
Hulk launches from deep and misses! A scientist's range doesn't apply here!
Harry Potter calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's juggler mentality!
Jesus Christ soldiers on! The soldier who competes the game with their bare hands!
Darth Vader vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Captain America slams his fist on the bench. Darth Vader places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
100-97 (W)
Hulk starts in the rebounder! Playing the rebounder way a scientist plays with their lab notebook!
Captain America forces the shot-clock violation! Patient as a military personnel waiting for the frontline!
Harry Potter misses at coming out of the locker room! A juggler dropping the game at the worst time!
Jesus Christ with the step-back catch-and-shoot triple! Creating space like a messiah with their bare hands!
Darth Vader uses the hesitation dribble! An unmatched feel for the game creating separation!
Both teams head to the locker room. Darth Vader wipes his forehead with his jersey. Fun fact: Darth Vader was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Captain America with the go-ahead step-back three! A military personnel taking charge with their service rifle!
Captain America picks off the lob! Intercepting mid-air, pure military personnel reflexes!
Opposing fans respect Captain America! Even rivals admire a military personnel's hustle!
Harry Potter with the transition score! Moving fast like a juggler moving their bare hands!
Darth Vader celebrates at the final buzzer! Celebration worthy of their bare hands!
Captain America and Harry Potter lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
99-114 (L)
This established star Captain America gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Captain America attacks the leather right into the defender's hands! Heavy feet!
This absolute legend Harry Potter forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Hulk gets posterized! A scientist framed by their lab notebook in the worst way!
Jesus Christ treats the damn ball like the game and sinks it. Easy as pie for a messiah!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Captain America asks for an ice pack. Confession: Captain America calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Harry Potter, this all-around player, shows negative body language! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Harry Potter dunks and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
Jesus Christ reads the defense perfectly! Eyes in the back of the head and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Darth Vader mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
Captain America walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to military personnel life tomorrow!
Jesus Christ walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Captain America speeds up. Wants it to be over. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
101-111 (L)
Jesus Christ gets the starting nod! A messiah starting with their bare hands confidence!
Hulk lets fly the leather into nothing! Sometimes predictable game on full display tonight!
Sloppy handling by Darth Vader! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Jesus Christ beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a messiah!
Harry Potter with a finger-roll pull-up jumper! Dexterity you only get from years as a juggler!
That's a wrap for now. Harry Potter dives into the tunnel. I've been told Harry Potter once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
This first-ballot legend Darth Vader shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Jesus Christ with the contested catch-and-shoot triple from way beyond the arc! No good! Bad selection!
This first-ballot legend Harry Potter calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Darth Vader can barely run! The 4 periods of 12 minutes harder than the 4 periods of 12 minutes of competing the game!
Hulk walks off in silence. This all-time great gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Captain America avoids the cameras like the plague. Darth Vader gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
101-97 (W)
Harry Potter announces themselves! The juggler has arrived and the building knows it!
Harry Potter forces the step-out-of-bounds! This basketball god hawking the ball!
Captain America misfires on the floater! Too much float, the military personnel touch abandoned them!
Jesus Christ, this once-in-a-lifetime player, unleashes a scoop layup at half court! Bang!
Captain America exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their service rifle acumen!
The players head in. Captain America slips on the wet tunnel floor. Anecdote: Captain America tried to impress the Phoenix No-Defense players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Captain America closes it out! Locked it down like a military personnel finishing the shift!
Captain America stays in front! Mirroring every move like a seasoned military personnel!
Darth Vader's fan section holds up the game! The jedi army is loud!
Captain America delivers at coming out of the locker room! A military personnel who always delivers on time!
Hulk, this potential GOAT, points to the crowd! A victory dance! This was for the fans!
Jesus Christ and Captain America do celebratory push-ups. Darth Vader counts out loud. Definitely cheating. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
100-109 (L)
The temple of basketball welcomes Harry Potter! The juggler with the game has arrived!
Hulk posts up but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
Captain America turns it over at right from the tip-off! A military personnel dropping their service rifle at the worst time!
Darth Vader, this tree of a man, can't keep up with the speed! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Hulk converts a tough finger roll on the low block! Skill level: elite!
That's a wrap for now. Harry Potter dives into the tunnel. Did you know Harry Potter knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Los Angeles Nursing-Home's colors. By accident, obviously. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Captain America can't hide the frustration! Their service rifle frustration meets the ball frustration!
Harry Potter can't convert the open shot! Competing the game is way easier!
Darth Vader uses their size out there! The jedi has a built-in advantage!
Jesus Christ short-arms the shot from fatigue! This potential GOAT has nothing left!
Hulk sits alone on the bench. This living legend processing the defeat.
Darth Vader and Harry Potter share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
102-108 (L)
Hulk steps onto the floor! From discoverring the hidden truth to this, game time!
An off-balance shot from Harry Potter catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Jesus Christ with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost messiah!
Darth Vader watches helplessly! A jedi watching the game fall off the shelf!
Harry Potter banks a half-court heave off the glass! Geometry learned from the juggler life!
Halftime! Hulk is limping slightly heading off the court. Anecdote of the day: Hulk forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
This basketball god Hulk stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Darth Vader with the ugly miss! The jedi touch is absent tonight!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Hulk attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Jesus Christ leans on their knees! Gassed, but the messiah keeps going!
Harry Potter, this smooth operator, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.
Jesus Christ closes his eyes walking out. Hulk keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
92-98 (L)
Captain America takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Hulk, this hall-of-fame lock, pulls the trigger from downtown but no luck!
Harry Potter double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Captain America scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Occasional mental lapses!
Harry Potter answers back with a reverse layup! Pure God-given talent under pressure!
Finally a breather. Captain America has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know Captain America keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Captain America dunks the towel! This reliable star showing sometimes predictable game!
A floater by Jesus Christ from the right corner is way off! Tough night for this franchise cornerstone!
Harry Potter, this hall-of-fame lock, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for an and-one!
Captain America tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a military personnel's energy for the frontline!
Hulk dunks to the tunnel in disappointment. This generational talent will learn from this.
Darth Vader mutters 'damn' under his breath. Hulk says 'yeah' in the same tone. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Darth Vader's name. Forgive me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-115 (L)
Hulk takes the court to a crowd fully behind them! The scientist with their lab notebook is here!
Darth Vader misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Darth Vader gets crossed over! This household name left frozen from the right corner!
Jesus Christ with eyes in the back of the head finds the angle for an alley-oop!
Both teams head in. Harry Potter has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Intel: Harry Potter refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Harry Potter tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the juggler will bounce back!
This living legend Jesus Christ short-arms a thunderous slam on the low block! Not enough lift!
This basketball god Hulk switches defensive assignments on the fly! Nerves of steel!
Jesus Christ asks for the ball to slow the pace! This all-time great needs air!
Captain America takes the loss hard! Hard as the frontline on a bad military personnel day!
Jesus Christ is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Harry Potter waits at the tunnel entrance. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
94-115 (L)
Harry Potter stretches center court! Loosening up, the juggler is getting ready!
Harry Potter dishes the basketball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this hall-of-fame lock!
Hulk coughs it up! A scientist's grip doesn't work on the pill!
This guy everybody knows Captain America bites on the fake! Beaten from way beyond the arc!
Captain America applies the same technique to the Wilson as to the frontline. A buzzer beater in transition!
Cut! Halftime. Hulk's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. I've been told Hulk always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Captain America, this headliner, yells at the coaching staff! Ego the size of Texas causing friction!
Captain America misfires in the paint! Their service rifle calibration needed!
Captain America slows the pace when the team needs it! This All-Star caliber talent tempo control!
Jesus Christ is running on fumes! The messiah tank is completely empty!
Darth Vader packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Jesus Christ isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Harry Potter tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
101-118 (L)
Game time! Harry Potter and this household name ready to put on a show at the floor!
Harry Potter steps back but overcooks it! Ego the size of Texas showing up again!
Harry Potter dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the juggler's finest moment!
Darth Vader gets posted up and scored on! This potential GOAT overpowered!
Hulk explodes the Spalding into a buzzer-beater! Natural-born leadership shining through!
Break. Jesus Christ collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Jesus Christ failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Jesus Christ gets a technical for complaining! Injury-prone body on full display!
Darth Vader rushes an and-one from the left corner! Injury-prone body creeping in!
Darth Vader dunks into the right spacing! Eyes in the back of the head and elite court awareness!
Darth Vader is spent! Used up like the game after a jedi's long day!
Darth Vader leaves the gymnasium with dignity! The dignity of a jedi with their bare hands!
Hulk presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Harry Potter walks right past without noticing. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-109 (L)
And we're underway! Harry Potter touches the Wilson first! This all-time great looks eager!
Jesus Christ, this household name, fumbles the finish in transition! Back to the drawing board!
Turnover by Jesus Christ! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Harry Potter, this tweener, gets blown by on the perimeter! Tendency to rush in the legs!
Darth Vader pops the jumper! Clean as their bare hands after a polish!
Halftime. Hulk wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know Hulk once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Hulk buries their face! Hidden from view, the scientist can't watch!
Hulk bricks it! Not the same accuracy as discoverring the hidden truth!
This first-ballot legend Hulk adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Hulk wipes sweat with the tall socks! Drenched, the scientist has been putting in work!
Harry Potter launches past the media. This undisputed superstar not in the mood to talk.
Harry Potter collapses into the first available chair. Jesus Christ stays standing, eyes glazed over. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
79-124 (L)
Darth Vader fires up the crowd to open the game! This undisputed superstar starting strong!
Captain America can't find the range! Their service rifle has better accuracy than that!
Captain America gets picked! A military personnel getting the frontline stolen in broad daylight!
Hulk gets screened out! Stuck behind their lab notebook like it's a wall!
Darth Vader throws their hands up! Like a jedi when their bare hands breaks!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Harry Potter picks up the pace. Anecdote: Harry Potter once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Darth Vader clanks another one off the rim! This first-ballot legend needs to find rhythm!
Jesus Christ struggles in overtime! The messiah hitting the wall with the game!
Harry Potter turns it over in the top of the key! Butterfingers from this juggler!
Captain America argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to defending the frontline!
Darth Vader walks off in defeat! Even a jedi's skills couldn't save tonight!
Hulk watches the crowd file out in silence. Jesus Christ prefers not to look. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-120 (L)
Jesus Christ bounces the ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
This first-ballot legend Hulk shanks a deep three at half court! That's uncharacteristic!
Stolen from Hulk! A scientist who let it slip through their fingers!
Jesus Christ gets burned on the drive! Defense that's basically a suggestion in lateral movement!
Darth Vader sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a jedi after a long shift!
Break! Harry Potter takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Harry Potter slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Hulk shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a scientist would cringe!
Captain America takes the rest play! Even a military personnel needs a breather!
Captain America with the careless pass! Defending the frontline with more care, please!
Harry Potter, this guy with rings on every finger, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Hulk's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Jesus Christ hides his eyes under a towel. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-106 (L)
Hulk, this undisputed superstar, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jesus Christ gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the messiah touch can't save that one!
Jesus Christ with a wild pass that sails out! This once-in-a-lifetime player giving it away!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over hot head!
This big-name player Captain America capitalizes from downtown! A pull-up jumper with a killer instinct!
Break! Harry Potter takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know Harry Potter entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Jesus Christ walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Darth Vader launches and misses! The rock isn't the game, and it shows!
Jesus Christ baits the defender! Got them hook, line, and sinker!
Harry Potter drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!
Jesus Christ lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Darth Vader decides not to comment. Did you know that Darth Vader practices military personnel on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
My Team finishes #14 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Darth Vader.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Darth Vader. Standing at 202 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Harry Potter, his brother-in-law and a juggler by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Harry Potter can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #14 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Darth Vader.
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