My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Superman. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. The chef's surprise of the evening is Superman. A superhero by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
73-118 (L)
And we're underway! Godzilla touches the orange first! This max-contract guy looks eager!
Superman gets blocked! Rejected harder than a superhero's worst day on the job!
King Kong with the lazy pass! Occasional mental lapses leading to easy points!
This reliable star Godzilla commits the and-one foul! Hot head in positioning!
Goku slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a farmer hits the workbench!
That's a wrap for now. Godzilla dives into the tunnel. Staff confession: Godzilla is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
This big-name player King Kong short-arms an alley-oop from the right corner! Not enough lift!
This franchise cornerstone Superman can barely jump! The springs are gone along the baseline!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Ego the size of Texas in ball-handling!
Superman argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
King Kong, this bonafide star, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Goku snaps at the bench on his way out. Superman says nothing, but his look says everything. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
103-92 (W)
Goku checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Jesus Christ crosses over with the precision of a messiah at work. And it's a layup!
Goku denies the pass! The seed dibber interception skills on full display!
Godzilla with the hockey assist! That extra pass, beautiful basketball!
Goku communicates the switch! Clear as a farmer's instructions!
The locker room. Jesus Christ sprawls out full-length on the bench. Locker room intel: Jesus Christ has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Jesus Christ scores an alley-oop! Their bare hands by day, buckets by night!
Superman feeds off palpable tension! The energy of a superhero fueled by the game!
Superman spins the pick-and-roll to perfection! Chemistry on display!
King Kong, this elite player, answers every challenge! Iron discipline never fading!
Goku hangs up the tall socks! Calling it a night, the farmer is done!
Godzilla does the floss while King Kong spins like a top. Superman just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
105-95 (W)
King Kong blows past with energy from the opening whistle! This All-Star caliber talent locked in!
Godzilla posts up and it's a deep three! This certified bucket proving the doubters wrong!
Goku drops into help defense! Always there when you need a farmer!
Jesus Christ explodes into the lane and kicks out! Natural-born leadership and great decision-making!
This certified bucket Godzilla with the savvy veteran play! Night-in night-out consistency experience showing!
Both teams head to the locker room. King Kong wipes his forehead with his jersey. The staff told me King Kong sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
This elite player Goku capitalizes from the left corner! A catch-and-shoot triple with insane court vision!
The building is buzzing! Superman and a Playoff atmosphere creating magic!
Superman fights through the screen for the team! That superhero toughness right there!
Superman plays like they have something to prove to every superhero watching!
Godzilla grabs the game ball! This jersey-selling name earned it tonight!
King Kong rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Godzilla does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
79-111 (L)
Goku looks dialed in from the start! Iron discipline preparation showing!
Godzilla gets a clean look but hot head costs the bucket!
Superman gets picked! A superhero getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Goku can't stay in front! Cultivating the stubborn soil doesn't build lateral quickness!
Superman drops the head after another miss! Lack of consistency sapping the confidence!
Break! Jesus Christ heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Little secret: Jesus Christ watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
King Kong, this versatile guy, can't get a tear drop to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Godzilla is gassed! This established star bent over at half court! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Goku throws it away! A pass worse than a farmer tossing the stubborn soil!
King Kong, this top-tier talent, barks at the teammate! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
Goku taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. King Kong walks through the door without pushing it. Tonight I had a revelation: King Kong runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
92-115 (L)
This headliner Godzilla opens the scoring! A bank shot! Early advantage!
Superman misses! Even a superhero can't fix that shot!
This franchise cornerstone Superman with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
King Kong lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this established star fooled!
A hook shot from King Kong off the pick and roll! That's a certified bucket-getter!
Halftime. Superman throws his towel on the floor walking in. Little secret: Superman watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Godzilla can't mask the disappointment! This established star wearing it on the sleeve!
Goku misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim the seed dibber at the stubborn soil!
Goku uses their size out there! The farmer has a built-in advantage!
Jesus Christ waves for a timeout! The messiah needs the game break!
Goku tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we cultivates better, like the stubborn soil!'
King Kong hurls his water bottle at the wall. Godzilla flinches but doesn't react. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
95-109 (L)
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, is introduced and the arena explodes! This max-contract guy is in the building!
Superman, this potential GOAT, comes up empty! A reverse layup off target from downtown!
Superman commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
This top-tier talent Godzilla misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
A thunderous slam by Superman! The crowd erupts! Nerves of steel personified!
Halftime whistle. King Kong has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Did you know King Kong started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
King Kong, this franchise guy, refuses to high-five! Heavy feet hurting the chemistry!
Jesus Christ can't buy a bucket! Another miss in transition! Frustrating!
This all-time great Superman sets the back screen! That dawg mentality off-ball contribution!
Jesus Christ is spent! Used up like the game after a messiah's long day!
This elite player Goku shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
King Kong unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Godzilla runs a hand down his face. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-127 (L)
Goku gets the starting nod! A farmer starting with the seed dibber confidence!
Superman just barely misses! Close as a superhero getting the game almost right!
Stolen from Goku! A farmer who let it slip through their fingers!
Goku bites on the fake! Fooled like a farmer by counterfeit the stubborn soil!
This established star Godzilla shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime. King Kong throws his towel on the floor walking in. Word is King Kong sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
King Kong misfires at the top of the key! Even this jersey-selling name has off nights!
Godzilla misses from fatigue! This bonafide star can't get the elevation from downtown!
Goku loses the leather! A farmer would never be this careless!
Godzilla storms to the bench! This jersey-selling name is visibly upset!
Godzilla sits alone on the bench. This jersey-selling name processing the defeat.
Godzilla walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Jesus Christ drags one foot after the other. I learned tonight that Godzilla used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-130 (L)
Superman gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a superhero on day one!
Goku air-mails a free throw facing the rim! Way off for this All-Star caliber talent!
King Kong coughs up the Spalding! Occasional mental lapses strikes again at half court!
Godzilla loses the screen battle! Heavy feet around the picks!
Superman tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the superhero will bounce back!
Back to the locker room. Jesus Christ punches his locker. Locker room anecdote: Jesus Christ talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Godzilla, this versatile guy, bobbles the orange and the chance evaporates in the paint!
Goku finds a second wind! The farmer engine roars back to life!
King Kong, this solid build, gets stripped from way beyond the arc! Heavy feet exposed!
Superman looks to the heavens! A superhero praying for their bare hands to work!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this certified GOAT candidate wanted.
Superman closes his eyes walking out. Jesus Christ keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
93-126 (L)
Game time! King Kong and this jersey-selling name ready to put on a show at the venue!
A catch-and-shoot triple from Jesus Christ hits the iron! Tendency to rush under the spotlight!
King Kong with the backcourt violation! This bonafide star under too much pressure!
King Kong gets caught flat-footed! This elite player beaten to the spot!
Superman mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Back in the locker room, Superman sits down and stares at the ceiling. True story: Superman had his parking spot stolen by Houston Blast-Off's mascot. Still talks about it. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Superman with a wild attempt! This all-time great not finding the range tonight!
Jesus Christ is running on fumes! The messiah tank is completely empty!
Godzilla loses the Spalding in traffic! This headliner can't afford that!
King Kong slams the basketball in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Goku leaves the field house with dignity! The dignity of a farmer with the seed dibber!
Godzilla lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Goku holds his in. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
81-114 (L)
Jesus Christ takes the court to a roaring arena! The messiah with their bare hands is here!
Jesus Christ bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Jesus Christ forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Godzilla reacts too late to rotate! Shaky emotions under pressure on the help side!
This franchise guy Goku hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from downtown!
Cut! Halftime. King Kong's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Intel: King Kong refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Brick! Godzilla misfires at the top of the key! Heavy feet at the worst time!
This reliable star Goku can't close out! The legs are shot at the buzzer!
This big-name player Goku loses concentration and the ball with it!
Superman stares in disbelief! The look of a superhero who just lost everything!
Goku gave it everything! Everything a farmer has, left on the court!
Jesus Christ's lip is trembling. Superman dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Behind the scenes, I learned Superman was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-128 (L)
King Kong takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Godzilla, this top-tier talent, with a contested two-handed slam that misses from the left corner!
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the left corner!
This world-class player Godzilla fouls reaching in! Occasional mental lapses on defense!
Goku, this all-around player, sits down hard on the bench! Ego the size of Texas written all over his face!
Well-deserved break. Godzilla looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Rumor has it Godzilla tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Off the mark for Jesus Christ! Great messiah, not so great at basketball tonight!
Jesus Christ powers through! The messiah in them won't quit on the game!
This reliable star Goku with turnover number lengths ahead! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
Superman explodes the towel! This all-time great showing tendency to force bad shots!
Superman, this guy with rings on every finger, takes the loss hard. Lack of consistency at the wrong moments.
Godzilla mutters 'damn' under his breath. Jesus Christ says 'yeah' in the same tone. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
85-130 (L)
This headliner King Kong comes out firing! An and-one in the first minute!
Jesus Christ can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this guy with rings on every finger!
King Kong throws it into the stands! What was that from this headliner!
King Kong gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
Godzilla, this bonafide star, with the frustrated foul! Hot head in tough moments!
Halftime whistle. King Kong high-fives his teammates on the way out. Anecdote: King Kong lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Jesus Christ shanks it from the right wing! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Godzilla, this versatile guy, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to rush when protecting the pill!
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! Heated! This messiah doesn't handle losing well!
This guy everybody knows King Kong congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this guy everybody knows.
Godzilla hurls his water bottle at the wall. Goku flinches but doesn't react. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-131 (L)
Godzilla dunks into position! This big-name player not wasting any time!
Jesus Christ misses the open look! A messiah never misses the game... But misses the Spalding!
Goku with the careless pass! Cultivating the stubborn soil with more care, please!
Jesus Christ gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
Jesus Christ walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Halftime! Jesus Christ checks his stats on the board and winces. Anecdote: Jesus Christ slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
A buzzer-beater attempt by Jesus Christ falls short! Heavy feet in the legs!
Superman crosses over a step slower than usual! Shaky emotions under pressure in the tank!
Superman coughs it up! A superhero's grip doesn't work on the rock!
Goku kicks the air! The frustration of a farmer who knows they can do better!
This world-class player Godzilla leaves the field house with head held high. Fought to the end.
King Kong lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Godzilla holds his in. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
77-115 (L)
The field house welcomes Jesus Christ! The messiah with the game has arrived!
King Kong takes a tough buzzer-beater and it doesn't go! Injury-prone body in shot selection!
This reliable star Godzilla gets pickpocketed from downtown! Sloppy handling!
Godzilla, this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over occasional mental lapses!
Godzilla takes off away from the huddle! This jersey-selling name in a dark place mentally!
Back in the locker room, Superman sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: Superman fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Goku launches a pull-up jumper and... Airball! Heavy feet at its peak!
Jesus Christ grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a messiah finishing the game!
This established star King Kong commits the offensive foul! Turnover from downtown!
King Kong, this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated driving to the hoop!
King Kong walks off in silence. This guy everybody knows gave it all but it wasn't enough.
King Kong turns back to look at the court one last time. Superman doesn't turn around. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
74-118 (L)
Jesus Christ lands the first off-balance shot! First blood! The messiah strikes first!
King Kong, this smooth operator, gets the look facing the rim but the lid's on the rim!
Jesus Christ crosses over carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
King Kong gets posted up and scored on! This max-contract guy overpowered!
This big-name player Godzilla fouls hard out of frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Halftime! King Kong has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. True story: King Kong had his parking spot stolen by Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's mascot. Still talks about it. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Godzilla blows past the basketball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this big-name player!
King Kong, this combo guard, with tired legs at the buzzer! Limited stamina slowing this bonafide star down!
Superman charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Superman picks up the second technical! This basketball god ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
Jesus Christ walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to messiah life tomorrow!
Goku mutters 'damn' under his breath. Godzilla says 'yeah' in the same tone. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Superman.
Season Journal
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Superman. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Superman. A superhero by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Superman.
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