My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's her. Elastigirl. The woman. The beast. The woman is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This girl was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch her move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when she decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch her play tonight. What kills you about this girl is that she makes basketball look easy. You watch her and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of her is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and she just dropped a step-back in her face like she was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Sonic the Hedgehog. An amateur. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: an amateur, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Sonic the Hedgehog has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
75-119 (L)
Goku begins their shift on the field house! A farmer starting the seed dibber shift!
Wreck-It Ralph, this solid build, gets the look driving to the hoop but the lid's on the rim!
Goku with the careless pass! Cultivating the stubborn soil with more care, please!
Sonic the Hedgehog gets burned on the drive! Defense that's basically a suggestion in lateral movement!
This dark horse Dash Parr hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the buzzer!
Halftime whistle. Goku spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: Goku lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Wreck-It Ralph can't buy a bucket! Another miss from the left corner! Frustrating!
Dash Parr, this all-around player, looks exhausted along the baseline! The legs are gone!
This elite player Goku gets pickpocketed at half court! Sloppy handling!
Wreck-It Ralph blows past the towel! This hungry young player showing injury-prone body!
Wreck-It Ralph had the chances but couldn't convert. This total unknown left wanting.
Sonic the Hedgehog and Dash Parr share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
85-129 (L)
Elastigirl takes the court to a crowd fully behind them! The superhero with their bare hands is here!
Elastigirl, this versatile guy, loses the handle and the opportunity! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This big-name player Sonic the Hedgehog with turnover number buckets! Heavy feet is piling up!
Dash Parr can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Dash Parr, this surprise package, barks at the teammate! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
End of the second quarter. Elastigirl is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Small detail: Elastigirl wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Brick! Sonic the Hedgehog misfires facing the rim! Hot head at the worst time!
Goku is gassed! More tired than after a full day of cultivating the stubborn soil!
Goku with the errant pass! This top-tier talent needs to settle down!
Elastigirl throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Dash Parr shakes hands through the pain! A student who respects their bare hands and the game!
Goku pulls his cap down over his eyes. Elastigirl doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I learned tonight that Goku used to be a volunteer firefighter. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
89-134 (L)
Goku, this reliable star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Sonic the Hedgehog, this multi-time All-Star, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
This max-contract guy Sonic the Hedgehog loses concentration and the rock with it!
Dash Parr, this versatile guy, gets dunked on facing the rim! Poster material!
Wreck-It Ralph mouths off in the money time! A crane operator venting about the game!
Off to the locker room. Dash Parr has already drained two water bottles. Quick anecdote about Dash Parr: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
That one wasn't even close, Wreck-It Ralph! Stick to competing the game!
Wreck-It Ralph fires away but can't sustain the effort! Tendency to force bad shots emptying the tank!
Sonic the Hedgehog coughs up the Spalding! Sometimes predictable game strikes again from downtown!
Sonic the Hedgehog drops the head after another miss! Hot head sapping the confidence!
Elastigirl consoles teammates! The heart of a superhero in that moment!
Goku's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Elastigirl breathes through her nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Goku's name. Forgive me. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
82-110 (L)
The field house welcomes Goku! The farmer with the stubborn soil has arrived!
Wreck-It Ralph rushes a thunderous slam at the buzzer! Limited stamina creeping in!
Intercepted! Dash Parr's pass snatched right out of the air! A student would never be that careless!
Elastigirl can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
Wreck-It Ralph with the decisive catch-and-shoot triple! Iron discipline when it matters most!
Heading in. Sonic the Hedgehog's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. They say Sonic the Hedgehog has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Elastigirl walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Air ball from Goku! Being a farmer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Wreck-It Ralph schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true crane operator!
Wreck-It Ralph waves for a timeout! The crane operator needs the game break!
Sonic the Hedgehog, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
Sonic the Hedgehog punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Goku slides down the wall to the floor. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
75-120 (L)
Elastigirl, this unknown gem, embraces the incredible energy! Game on!
Goku forces a step-back three facing the rim! This headliner trying too hard!
Elastigirl loses the orange! A superhero would never be this careless!
Sonic the Hedgehog gets caught flat-footed! This headliner beaten to the spot!
Elastigirl glares at the leather! Like it personally betrayed this superhero!
The players head to the locker room. Wreck-It Ralph is sweating like a racehorse. Rumor has it Wreck-It Ralph has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Wreck-It Ralph gets a clean look but hot head costs the bucket!
Elastigirl leans on their knees! Gassed, but the superhero keeps going!
This multi-time All-Star Sonic the Hedgehog forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Dash Parr slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a student hits the workbench!
Elastigirl sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a superhero after their bare hands broke!
Wreck-It Ralph claps his hands in frustration. Goku clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-129 (L)
Dash Parr crosses over into position! This surprise package not wasting any time!
Wreck-It Ralph, this raw talent, pulls the trigger on the low block but no luck!
Sonic the Hedgehog with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
Sonic the Hedgehog, this versatile guy, fouls unnecessarily from the left corner! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This total unknown Dash Parr stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
The players leave the court. Goku clings to the tunnel railing. Little secret: Goku watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Elastigirl clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Goku tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a farmer's energy for the stubborn soil!
Stolen from Elastigirl! A superhero who let it slip through their fingers!
This multi-time All-Star Sonic the Hedgehog shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
This top-tier talent Sonic the Hedgehog tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Goku lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Elastigirl decides not to comment. I got a text from Goku after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
73-117 (L)
Game time! Goku and this world-class player ready to put on a show at the gymnasium!
A two-handed slam from Sonic the Hedgehog hits the iron! Limited stamina under the spotlight!
Sonic the Hedgehog, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the ball poked away! Defense that's basically a suggestion when protecting the rock!
Goku gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to rush!
Dash Parr, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!
Well-deserved break. Sonic the Hedgehog looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Fun fact: Sonic the Hedgehog was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Sonic the Hedgehog launches a euro-step and... Airball! Occasional mental lapses at its peak!
Wreck-It Ralph finds a second wind! The crane operator engine roars back to life!
This raw talent Wreck-It Ralph with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This reliable star Goku gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Dash Parr looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a student!
Wreck-It Ralph walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Sonic the Hedgehog drags one foot after the other. I learned that Wreck-It Ralph's father was a volunteer firefighter. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
78-118 (L)
Wreck-It Ralph wins the opening tip! Tipping off with crane operator energy!
Dash Parr, this who-is-this-guy player, with the shot-clock heave! No good from downtown!
Elastigirl forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Goku fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a farmer chasing the stubborn soil!
Elastigirl waves off the play! The authority of a superhero in that gesture!
Halftime whistle. Dash Parr has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. They say Dash Parr eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Sonic the Hedgehog air-mails a half-court heave on the low block! Way off for this world-class player!
Wreck-It Ralph is running on fumes! The crane operator tank is completely empty!
Goku throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the farmer got too confident!
Sonic the Hedgehog glares at the scoreboard! This top-tier talent not happy with the situation!
Goku, this combo guard, trudges off the gym. Lessons to take from this one.
Sonic the Hedgehog's eyes are red, jaw tight. Dash Parr apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
85-130 (L)
Goku announces themselves! The farmer has arrived and the building knows it!
Wreck-It Ralph crosses over the Wilson into nothing! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display tonight!
Goku, this combo guard, steps out of bounds with the Wilson! Mental lapse!
This surprise package Elastigirl caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Wreck-It Ralph storms to the bench! This raw talent is visibly upset!
Break! Goku grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. I've been told Goku always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Elastigirl, this hidden prospect, fumbles the finish off the pick and roll! Back to the drawing board!
Sonic the Hedgehog rises up but the legs won't cooperate! Heavy feet catching up!
Elastigirl with the backcourt violation! A superhero going backwards with the game!
Sonic the Hedgehog gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
Dash Parr refuses to make excuses! A student owns the game failures too!
Wreck-It Ralph sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Goku winces. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Wreck-It Ralph's name. Forgive me. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-133 (L)
This raw talent Dash Parr gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This All-Star caliber talent Goku whiffs on a finger roll! The crowd groans!
Sonic the Hedgehog throws it into the stands! What was that from this big-name player!
This big-name player Sonic the Hedgehog bites on the fake! Beaten in the paint!
This top-tier talent Sonic the Hedgehog throws an elbow in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
The players disappear. Sonic the Hedgehog has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. True story: Sonic the Hedgehog had his parking spot stolen by Denver Horse-Track's mascot. Still talks about it. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Sonic the Hedgehog with a wild attempt! This headliner not finding the range tonight!
This headliner Sonic the Hedgehog calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Hot head taking its toll!
Elastigirl tries to be too fancy and loses the pill! Shaky emotions under pressure in the decision-making!
Goku is visibly upset! Upset as a farmer when the stubborn soil goes sideways!
Sonic the Hedgehog walks off in silence. This top-tier talent gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Goku refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Sonic the Hedgehog watches it and immediately regrets it. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-129 (L)
Tip-off! Sonic the Hedgehog gets us started! Let's go!
Goku whiffs on the jumper! A farmer off their game with the seed dibber!
Wreck-It Ralph, this solid build, gets stripped back to the basket! Injury-prone body exposed!
Elastigirl overcommits and gets beat! Heavy feet when reading the play!
Wreck-It Ralph, this swiss-army-knife type, shows negative body language! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Back to the locker room. Elastigirl punches her locker. Staff confession: Elastigirl is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Elastigirl rattles it out! Shaking the field house with their bare hands intensity!
Dash Parr wipes sweat with the mouthguard! Drenched, the student has been putting in work!
Wreck-It Ralph turns it over on the inbound pass! A crane operator dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Wreck-It Ralph lets fly angrily after the turnover! This diamond in the rough spiraling!
This top-tier talent Sonic the Hedgehog congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this top-tier talent.
Goku has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Sonic the Hedgehog has aged ten years in forty minutes. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
78-123 (L)
Dash Parr, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! Wild stands!
Elastigirl skips it off the rim! The game has better hop than that!
Dash Parr loses possession! The game never leaves a student's hands like that!
Wreck-It Ralph gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Elastigirl can't mask the disappointment! This surprise package wearing it on the sleeve!
Break! Sonic the Hedgehog takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Locker room anecdote: Sonic the Hedgehog talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. We're back! The players look fired up.
Wreck-It Ralph dunks but the shot rims out! Lack of consistency rears its ugly head!
Elastigirl short-arms the shot from fatigue! This hidden prospect has nothing left!
This newcomer Elastigirl dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Dash Parr buries their face! Hidden from view, the student can't watch!
Sonic the Hedgehog, this bonafide star, takes the loss hard. Heavy feet at the wrong moments.
Sonic the Hedgehog's complexion is grey. Elastigirl's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-129 (L)
Wreck-It Ralph gets the starting nod! A crane operator starting with their bare hands confidence!
This newcomer Dash Parr puts up a tear drop but it won't fall! Off night!
Sonic the Hedgehog fades away into a trap! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the defense!
Elastigirl loses the screen battle! Sometimes predictable game around the picks!
Wreck-It Ralph argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Both teams head to the locker room. Dash Parr wipes his forehead with his jersey. I've been told Dash Parr always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Dash Parr puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
This big-name player Sonic the Hedgehog can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Elastigirl dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the superhero's finest moment!
Dash Parr, this versatile guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated off the pick and roll!
Dash Parr dribbles to the tunnel in disappointment. This player nobody saw coming will learn from this.
Sonic the Hedgehog scratches the back of his neck nervously. Goku has the look of someone who has seen things. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-125 (L)
Sonic the Hedgehog takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Dash Parr, this do-it-all player, wastes a golden chance with a wild buzzer-beater!
Wreck-It Ralph gets picked! A crane operator getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Sonic the Hedgehog gets posted up and scored on! This multi-time All-Star overpowered!
Wreck-It Ralph storms to the bench! Heated! This crane operator doesn't handle losing well!
End of the second quarter. Wreck-It Ralph is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Rumor has it Wreck-It Ralph does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
A step-back three by Sonic the Hedgehog facing the rim is way off! Tough night for this elite player!
Elastigirl, this versatile guy, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Sonic the Hedgehog passes to nobody! This multi-time All-Star with a head-scratching decision!
Elastigirl mutters to herself walking back! This rising star fighting inner demons!
This world-class player Sonic the Hedgehog shakes hands and moves on. In the end, injury-prone body proved costly.
Wreck-It Ralph mutters while walking out. Goku watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Tonight I learned Wreck-It Ralph used to be a volunteer firefighter before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-126 (L)
This guy everybody knows Sonic the Hedgehog means business! Fast start in the paint!
This elite player Goku with a rare miss in transition! Even the best stumble!
Wreck-It Ralph throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
Elastigirl scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Ego the size of Texas!
Dash Parr rises up and kicks the stanchion! This surprise package losing composure!
Halftime whistle. Dash Parr high-fives his teammates on the way out. Rumor has it Dash Parr tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Wreck-It Ralph steps back and fires but misses everything! Occasional mental lapses tonight!
Wreck-It Ralph gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from competing the game and hooping!
Sonic the Hedgehog, this solid build, commits the travel! Tendency to rush in the footwork!
Goku shakes their head! A farmer who can't believe that just happened!
Goku walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to farmer life tomorrow!
Elastigirl sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Dash Parr has his head in his hands. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Elastigirl.
Season journal
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