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the goatsbasketball_team 🇺🇸

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Season Journal

Standings

#TeamWLPts
1Detroit Engine-Roar14128
2Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest13226
3Boston Ring-Chasers11422
4New York Over-Timers11422
5Cleveland Twin-Towers10520
6San Antonio Skyscrapers9618
7Denver Horse-Track9618
8Houston Blast-Off8716
9Minnesota Ice-Wall6912
10Toronto Border-Patrol6912
11Los Angeles Nursing-Home6912
12Philadelphia Injury-Report4118
13the goats4118
14Orlando Magic-Beans4118
15Miami Heart-Attack3126
16Phoenix No-Defense2134

Pre-season

Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... The goats! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Michael Jordan on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 198 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Superman. Profession? Superhero. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Financially, we're in no man's land. Not poor, not rich. The kind of team that eyes the trade deadline with longing but knows it can only afford the appetizer, not the full meal. They've built a solid core through smart Draft picks and savvy free agent signings, but don't ask them to compete with the big dogs. Their weapon? Chemistry. And a coach who turns lead into gold. Well, bronze. Okay, silver on a good day.

Matchday 1vs Detroit Engine-Roar

86-131 (L)

And we're underway! King Kong touches the rock first! This franchise guy looks eager!

Hulk can't buy a bucket! Maybe the hidden truth would be easier to aim!

Hulk, this smooth operator, gets stripped from way beyond the arc! Tendency to rush exposed!

Superman turns the head and loses the man! This franchise cornerstone napping defensively!

This All-Star caliber talent King Kong shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!

Halftime. Jesus Christ throws his towel on the floor walking in. Intel: Jesus Christ refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

Superman can't convert! The superhero's touch with the game deserted them!

King Kong, this solid build, laboring up and down! Heavy feet draining the energy!

Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, fumbles the entry pass in transition!

King Kong slams the ball in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!

Jesus Christ leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a messiah after the game setback!

Jesus Christ closes his eyes walking out. Superman keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. I learned tonight that Jesus Christ used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 2vs Miami Heart-Attack

113-90 (W)

King Kong, this established star, embraces the crowd fully behind them! Game on!

A step-back three! King Kong cannot be stopped tonight! This world-class player is locked in!

Jesus Christ wins the rebound battle! Snatched it like a messiah on the clock!

Jesus Christ threads the needle! Precision of their bare hands through the game!

Hulk makes the hockey pass! Natural-born leadership finding the extra pass!

End of the first act. Jesus Christ is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Intel: Jesus Christ refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

Hulk hits from downtown! Precision worthy of their lab notebook from under the basket!

Michael Jordan soaks in an electric crowd! This absolute legend living for these moments!

Superman sets the perfect screen! Built like a superhero who doesn't skip leg day!

The transformation of Michael Jordan is complete! This household name has arrived!

This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!

Superman hits a dab in 2026. King Kong does an ironic dab. Jesus Christ has no idea what that is. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 3vs Orlando Magic-Beans

100-124 (L)

Superman sets the tone early! The superhero came to play tonight!

Superman shoots an air ball in immense pressure! A superhero lost in the noise!

Jesus Christ commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!

Jesus Christ fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a messiah chasing the game!

King Kong converts a tough devastating dunk at the top of the key! Skill level: elite!

Both teams head in. Superman has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Anecdote: Superman tried to impress the Orlando Magic-Beans players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.

Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!

That one wasn't even close, Hulk! Stick to discoverring the hidden truth!

Superman, this once-in-a-lifetime player, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Insane court vision!

This potential GOAT Michael Jordan is a warrior but the body says no! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of war!

Superman, this do-it-all player, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.

King Kong sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Jesus Christ has his head in his hands. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 4vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

115-105 (W)

Opening possession for Jesus Christ! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!

Superman catches fire! And it's a hook shot! An unmatched feel for the game taking over!

Superman with the suffocating defense! This all-time great is a wall out there!

Superman, this first-ballot legend, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! Pure God-given talent!

Michael Jordan, this beanpole, sets a brick-wall screen! Next-level basketball IQ on full display!

Break time. Michael Jordan bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Little scoop: Michael Jordan logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.

Jesus Christ with the tough bucket through contact! This generational talent won't be denied!

Superman launches in front of the home faithful! An incredible energy! Beautiful!

Superman glues the team together! Team-first mentality, pure superhero instinct!

Michael Jordan leaves it all on the floor! This living legend with silky smooth technique effort!

King Kong can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!

King Kong and Hulk act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 5vs Phoenix No-Defense

115-96 (W)

Hulk gets the starting nod! A scientist starting with their lab notebook confidence!

Superman, this tweener, with a silky alley-oop at the top of the key! Smooth operator!

Superman digs in defensively! Ridiculous creativity when the team needs stops!

Jesus Christ creates the opportunity! Building something special tonight!

Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!

Break! King Kong has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Juicy intel: King Kong turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

King Kong, this guy everybody knows, drops a buzzer-beater back to the basket! Pure artistry!

Immense pressure as Superman warms up with some superhero moves!

King Kong, this smooth operator, repositions on defense! Nerves of steel collective effort!

Jesus Christ is the protagonist tonight! This once-in-a-lifetime player authoring a masterpiece!

That's the game! Superman finishes with a monster performance! This franchise cornerstone victorious!

King Kong and Jesus Christ lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 6vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

108-112 (L)

Superman lets fly with energy from the opening whistle! This undisputed superstar locked in!

Hulk, this combo guard, elevates for a monster reverse layup!

Michael Jordan gets burned on the drive! Lack of consistency in lateral movement!

Hulk launches but it's well off! Limited stamina under fatigue!

Superman delivers under pressure! Pressure-tested by their bare hands at work!

Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Little secret: Jesus Christ watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Jesus Christ airballs the potential winner! Competing the game is easier than this!

Superman throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!

This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ flips the script! From struggle to dominance!

Jesus Christ turns it over on the inbound pass! This absolute legend crumbles under pressure!

King Kong, this multi-time All-Star, takes the loss hard. Shaky emotions under pressure at the wrong moments.

Jesus Christ lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Superman decides not to comment. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 7vs Toronto Border-Patrol

111-112 (L)

This All-Star caliber talent King Kong means business! Fast start at the top of the key!

King Kong knocks down a finger roll along the baseline! Ice in the veins!

Hulk gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!

This all-time great Michael Jordan misses the mark! A sky hook goes begging on the low block!

King Kong takes the lead! A double-clutch layup! The comeback is complete! Unbelievable!

Break time. Superman bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote: Superman threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Hulk dribbles into trouble! Lost out there like a scientist on the wrong floor!

Michael Jordan storms to the bench! This once-in-a-lifetime player is visibly upset!

Two worlds collide: the hidden truth and the leather, united by Hulk!

Michael Jordan misses the wide-open look at the jump ball! This undisputed superstar will regret that!

This basketball god Michael Jordan tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.

Michael Jordan's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Hulk breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 8vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

120-91 (W)

Hulk locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a scientist who means business!

King Kong fires away and scores! A bank shot! This solid build is a problem!

Superman rotates perfectly for the rebound in traffic! A killer instinct on full display!

King Kong with the touch pass! This All-Star caliber talent barely had the orange and found the man!

Superman dishes to the weak side! This undisputed superstar exploiting the rotation!

End of the first act. Michael Jordan is puffing like a steam engine heading back. They say Michael Jordan has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

King Kong, this established star, threads the needle for a euro-step from mid-range!

The crowd is on its feet! A sold-out gym on fire as Hulk takes the court!

This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ unites the locker room! Insane court vision captain's mentality!

Michael Jordan is inevitable tonight! This household name can't be stopped!

Michael Jordan, this mammoth, takes the final bow! A primal scream! Dominant display!

Jesus Christ and Superman leap onto each other like kids. Hulk comes sprinting in and crushes them both. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 9vs Houston Blast-Off

104-117 (L)

Superman, this solid build, announced to huge cheers! A sold-out gym on fire!

King Kong, this smooth operator, gets the look but can't convert driving to the hoop!

Hulk charges right into the defender! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure when controlling pace!

Michael Jordan gives up the back door! Hot head when overplaying!

A step-back three from downtown by Michael Jordan! This walking skyscraper with the long range!

Back to the locker room. Superman punches his locker. Anecdote: Superman once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Hulk drops the head after another miss! Injury-prone body sapping the confidence!

Hulk misses! Even a scientist can't fix that shot!

Jesus Christ exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their bare hands acumen!

Hulk short-arms the shot from fatigue! This potential GOAT has nothing left!

Superman walks off in defeat! Even a superhero's skills couldn't save tonight!

Hulk lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Jesus Christ holds his in. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 10vs Denver Horse-Track

96-114 (L)

Hulk lands the first and-one! First blood! The scientist strikes first!

Michael Jordan, this giant, loses the handle and the opportunity! Hot head!

Superman throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the superhero got too confident!

Jesus Christ left in the dust! Even a messiah moves faster than that!

King Kong goes to work and fires a bucket! This solid build lighting it up!

The players file out. Michael Jordan exchanges a tense look with the coach. I've been told Michael Jordan always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!

Hulk with the contested pull-up jumper back to the basket! No good! Bad selection!

Superman overloads one side! Loading up with superhero strategy!

King Kong posts up a step slower than usual! Injury-prone body in the tank!

Michael Jordan dunks past the media. This global icon not in the mood to talk.

Hulk looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. King Kong looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 11vs New York Over-Timers

85-125 (L)

Michael Jordan fires up the crowd to open the game! This hall-of-fame lock starting strong!

King Kong, this versatile guy, bobbles the ball and the chance evaporates from downtown!

Intercepted! Hulk's pass snatched right out of the air! A scientist would never be that careless!

Michael Jordan falls asleep on the weak side! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!

Hulk stares in disbelief! The look of a scientist who just lost everything!

Break! Superman has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know? Superman has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ misfires again! Limited stamina could cost the team!

King Kong, this headliner, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!

Jesus Christ crosses over carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!

Michael Jordan picks up the second technical! This guy with rings on every finger ejected! Hot head!

Hulk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the scientist gave everything!

Jesus Christ's eyes are red, jaw tight. King Kong apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 12vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

90-130 (L)

Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!

King Kong, this certified bucket, with the shot-clock heave! No good from mid-range!

Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, gets called for the carry! Hot head in ball-handling!

This headliner King Kong commits the and-one foul! Tendency to force bad shots in positioning!

Jesus Christ fades away away from the huddle! This household name in a dark place mentally!

Both teams head to the locker room. Michael Jordan wipes his forehead with his jersey. Intel: Michael Jordan refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

Michael Jordan pulls up but the shot rims out! Occasional mental lapses rears its ugly head!

Superman finds a second wind! The superhero engine roars back to life!

This max-contract guy King Kong gets pickpocketed under the basket! Sloppy handling!

King Kong glares at the scoreboard! This jersey-selling name not happy with the situation!

Jesus Christ sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a messiah after their bare hands broke!

King Kong sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Hulk has his head in his hands. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 13vs Boston Ring-Chasers

82-126 (L)

Hulk starts in the scorer! Playing the scorer way a scientist plays with their lab notebook!

Hulk rushes a bank shot at half court! Hot head creeping in!

Hulk throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure facing the rim!

Superman gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!

Jesus Christ can't mask the disappointment! This franchise cornerstone wearing it on the sleeve!

The players file out. Michael Jordan exchanges a tense look with the coach. Word is Michael Jordan sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

Superman bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!

Superman bends over during the dead ball! This generational talent gathering what's left!

Jesus Christ loses the leather in traffic! This generational talent can't afford that!

King Kong, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!

Superman shakes hands through the pain! A superhero who respects their bare hands and the game!

Michael Jordan sits on the floor in the hallway. King Kong sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 14vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

97-105 (L)

King Kong posts up into position! This All-Star caliber talent not wasting any time!

King Kong rises up the pill but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!

Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, steps out of bounds with the pill! Mental lapse!

Michael Jordan gets posted up and scored on! This first-ballot legend overpowered!

An alley-oop from Jesus Christ! This once-in-a-lifetime player just keeps delivering!

Into the tunnel. King Kong grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Fun fact: King Kong tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!

This global icon Jesus Christ rattles it out! So close yet so far from way beyond the arc!

Superman goes to the post! That superhero strength is showing!

Michael Jordan blows past sluggishly! Hot head catching up with this household name!

This absolute legend Michael Jordan congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this absolute legend.

Jesus Christ looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Hulk looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 15vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

74-118 (L)

King Kong, this solid build, takes the court! The packed arena is electric!

Superman can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!

Superman dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a superhero like that!

Hulk gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a scientist's worst day on the job!

King Kong, this smooth operator, waves off the play call! Hot head hurting the team!

Halftime. Jesus Christ glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Rumor has it Jesus Christ does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

Jesus Christ rattles it out! Shaking the venue with their bare hands intensity!

King Kong misses from fatigue! This reliable star can't get the elevation from the right corner!

Superman with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!

Jesus Christ tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the messiah will bounce back!

Hulk tips the cap to the winners! The scientist's grace with the hidden truth!

Jesus Christ taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Superman walks through the door without pushing it. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

the goats finishes #13 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.

🏀
#13
Rank
4W-11L
Record
-200
+/-
326
Team Score
42.7M$
Salary
Michael Jordan
MVP

Season Journal

Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... The goats!

Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Michael Jordan on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 198 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.

The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.

Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Superman. Profession? Superhero. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn.

Financially, we're in no man's land. Not poor, not rich. The kind of team that eyes the trade deadline with longing but knows it can only afford the appetizer, not the full meal. They've built a solid core through smart Draft picks and savvy free agent signings, but don't ask them to compete with the big dogs. Their weapon? Chemistry. And a coach who turns lead into gold. Well, bronze. Okay, silver on a good day.

🏆

the goats finishes #13 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.

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