Sdavollolololololololo Lpololollolooololololoolo — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Sdavollolololololololo Lpololollolooololololoolo | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Sdavollolololololololo Lpololollolooololololoolo! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Batman. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. The chef's surprise of the evening is Jesus Christ. A messiah by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-115 (L)
This elite player Nick Jonas gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Travis Scott rattles in and out! The risky picture never teases a film producer like that!
Batman with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Khabib Nurmagomedov gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the mat canvas behind the rosin bag!
Batman storms to the bench! This absolute legend is visibly upset!
Intermission. Jesus Christ dumps an entire water bottle over his head. True story: Jesus Christ had his parking spot stolen by Detroit Engine-Roar's mascot. Still talks about it. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
This certified bucket Khabib Nurmagomedov shanks a pull-up jumper along the baseline! That's uncharacteristic!
Nick Jonas leans on their knees! Gassed, but the singer keeps going!
Turnover by Khabib Nurmagomedov! Slamming the mat canvas requires less coordination, clearly!
Khabib Nurmagomedov drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a wrestler's spirit has limits!
Batman gave it everything! Everything a superhero has, left on the court!
Nick Jonas refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Batman watches it and immediately regrets it. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
115-108 (W)
Game time! Khabib Nurmagomedov and this reliable star ready to put on a show at the gym!
Jesus Christ with the fadeaway fadeaway jumper! Smooth as their bare hands in action!
Batman smothers the ball handler! That's a superhero who doesn't let go!
Nick Jonas lobs it perfectly! Arcing it with precision worthy of their bare hands!
Jesus Christ manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their bare hands on the game!
Break. Khabib Nurmagomedov asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know? Khabib Nurmagomedov once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This bonafide star Travis Scott with a picture-perfect sky hook! The crowd goes wild!
This franchise guy Travis Scott brings a Playoff atmosphere to a new level! Incredible scene!
Nick Jonas, this tweener, sets the perfect screen! That dawg mentality for the team!
Khabib Nurmagomedov, the wrestler from the day shift, is writing their story on the floor tonight!
Jesus Christ with the game ball! Earned it the hard way, messiah style!
Travis Scott, Nick Jonas, and Batman pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
112-105 (W)
Nick Jonas starts in the small forward! Playing the small forward the way a singer plays with their bare hands!
Travis Scott with the step-back tear drop! Creating space like a film producer with their loaded checkbook!
Travis Scott with the denial defense! This All-Star caliber talent not giving an inch!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, drops the dime! Insane court vision passing on display!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, sets a brick-wall screen! Natural-born leadership on full display!
Break! Khabib Nurmagomedov has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. I've been told Khabib Nurmagomedov once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Travis Scott hits on the final possession! Clutch like a film producer meeting a deadline!
The arena is electric! This multi-time All-Star Nick Jonas thriving in a Playoff atmosphere!
Batman boxes out for the teammate! Making room like a superhero with the game!
Nick Jonas, this established star, is playing with nothing to lose! Watch out, this established star is dangerous!
Travis Scott penetrates the trophy! This All-Star caliber talent adds to the collection! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench!
Nick Jonas cries tears of joy in Batman's arms. Travis Scott is also crying but nobody knows why. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
86-105 (L)
Jesus Christ takes the court to a sold-out gym on fire! The messiah with their bare hands is here!
A deep three attempt by Nick Jonas falls short! Heavy feet in the legs!
Batman dunks into a dead end back to the basket! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ picks up the cheap foul! Sometimes predictable game showing!
This big-name player Nick Jonas is automatic in transition! A half-court heave drops again!
Break! Batman grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. I've been told Batman once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Travis Scott can't hide the frustration! Their loaded checkbook frustration meets the ball frustration!
Khabib Nurmagomedov misses! Even a wrestler can't fix that shot!
Travis Scott executes a slow, deliberate tempo perfectly! Precision learned as a film producer!
Nick Jonas calls for the sub! Even a singer's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
Travis Scott explodes past the media. This jersey-selling name not in the mood to talk.
Jesus Christ claps his hands in frustration. Khabib Nurmagomedov clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
110-114 (L)
Travis Scott, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
Travis Scott with the smooth two-handed slam! This jersey-selling name making it look easy!
Travis Scott gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
Batman, this living legend, sends the pill wide! The touch is off tonight!
Jesus Christ rallies the troops! Rally cry of a messiah rallying the game!
Time to breathe. Jesus Christ has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Little scoop: Jesus Christ logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Khabib Nurmagomedov throws it away in the extra period! A wrestler wasting the rosin bag at the worst time!
Jesus Christ penetrates and kicks the stanchion! This once-in-a-lifetime player losing composure!
Win or lose, Nick Jonas has earned respect tonight! This headliner warrior spirit!
Nick Jonas misses the game-tying shot! Even a singer couldn't save that one!
Nick Jonas tips the cap to the winners! The singer's grace with the game!
Nick Jonas walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Batman speeds up. Wants it to be over. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
104-105 (L)
Batman rises up with energy from the opening whistle! This once-in-a-lifetime player locked in!
Nick Jonas racks up a scoop layup! Productive night for this singer!
Nick Jonas gets blown by! Even a singer couldn't stop that!
Khabib Nurmagomedov air-mails a floater at the top of the key! Way off for this bonafide star!
Nick Jonas converts in transition! Transitioning like a singer between the game tasks!
Halftime whistle! Nick Jonas grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little scoop: Nick Jonas tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Khabib Nurmagomedov, this low-to-the-ground speedster, chokes on the big stage! Late in the quarter miss!
Travis Scott stares in disbelief! The look of a film producer who just lost everything!
Batman is the protagonist tonight! This living legend authoring a masterpiece!
Travis Scott can't hit the go-ahead! Heavy feet when the lights are brightest!
Travis Scott leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as a film producer after the risky picture setback!
Batman looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Khabib Nurmagomedov looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
105-106 (L)
Jesus Christ lands the first reverse layup! First blood! The messiah strikes first!
Travis Scott knocks down a double-clutch layup from way beyond the arc! Ice in the veins!
This bonafide star Nick Jonas caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Travis Scott misfires on the low block! Even this multi-time All-Star has off nights!
Khabib Nurmagomedov refuses to quit! A wrestler who never quits, period!
Halftime! Jesus Christ checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Jesus Christ blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Nick Jonas misses in the clutch! A euro-step off the mark in the third quarter!
Jesus Christ penetrates angrily after the turnover! This guy with rings on every finger spiraling!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ channels the inner champion! Silky smooth technique at its peak!
Batman throws it away with the game on the line! Lack of consistency!
Jesus Christ packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Jesus Christ's eyes are red, jaw tight. Nick Jonas apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I learned backstage that Nick Jonas also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
92-105 (L)
And we're underway! Travis Scott touches the rock first! This bonafide star looks eager!
Jesus Christ heaves and misses! Should have heaved the game instead!
Jesus Christ charges right into the defender! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses when controlling pace!
Nick Jonas, this swiss-army-knife type, gets blown by on the perimeter! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Jesus Christ finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their bare hands!
Break. Jesus Christ asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Staff confession: Jesus Christ is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Nick Jonas gets a technical for complaining! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Jesus Christ drives but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
This franchise guy Travis Scott adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Jesus Christ digs deep! Deep as a messiah digs into the game!
This multi-time All-Star Khabib Nurmagomedov tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Jesus Christ sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Khabib Nurmagomedov has his head in his hands. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
105-93 (W)
Batman huddles with the team! Huddling up, the superhero strategizes!
Travis Scott pulls up and drills an alley-oop! Can't teach that!
Jesus Christ deflects the pass and starts the break! This living legend defense to offense!
Khabib Nurmagomedov floats a perfect pass! Floating it with a wrestler's soft touch!
Travis Scott, this elite player, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Halftime whistle. Travis Scott has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Anecdote: Travis Scott once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jesus Christ scores at the buzzer! A half-court heave with that dawg mentality! Brilliant!
A boiling cauldron as Jesus Christ, this solid build, is introduced! Goosebumps!
This guy everybody knows Khabib Nurmagomedov motivates the squad in the huddle! Natural leader!
Nick Jonas plays like they have something to prove to every singer watching!
Khabib Nurmagomedov goes to work into the tunnel with the W! This certified bucket all smiles!
Jesus Christ makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Khabib Nurmagomedov makes a bigger heart. Batman makes a massive heart. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
101-115 (L)
Travis Scott wins the opening tip! Tipping off with film producer energy!
Khabib Nurmagomedov whiffs on the jumper! A wrestler off their game with the rosin bag!
Nick Jonas throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the singer got too confident!
Nick Jonas, this do-it-all player, lets the shooter get free along the baseline! Costly lapse!
Jesus Christ, this absolute legend, knifes through for an off-balance shot under the basket! Wow!
Both teams head to the locker room. Nick Jonas wipes his forehead with his jersey. Little secret: Nick Jonas has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Batman waves off the play! The authority of a superhero in that gesture!
Jesus Christ sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this messiah!
Nick Jonas with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic singer misdirection!
This reliable star Khabib Nurmagomedov calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Sometimes predictable game taking its toll!
Nick Jonas sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a singer after their bare hands broke!
Jesus Christ bites the inside of his cheek. Khabib Nurmagomedov pinches the bridge of his nose. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
100-117 (L)
Batman comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the superhero means business!
Brick! Jesus Christ misfires in transition! Heavy feet at the worst time!
Travis Scott dribbles it off their foot! Their loaded checkbook would never betray a film producer like that!
Travis Scott gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the risky picture on a rough day!
The crowd erupts as Nick Jonas nails a catch-and-shoot triple! A singer on fire at the temple of basketball!
Halftime whistle. Batman high-fives his teammates on the way out. Small detail: Batman whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Batman looks to the heavens! A superhero praying for their bare hands to work!
Jesus Christ launches the ball into nothing! Heavy feet on full display tonight!
Jesus Christ uses that messiah IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
This headliner Travis Scott stumbles! The fatigue is real after the contest!
Batman refuses to make excuses! A superhero owns the game failures too!
Khabib Nurmagomedov avoids the cameras like the plague. Batman gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
80-112 (L)
Nick Jonas, this tweener, takes the court! The hostile crowd is electric!
Nick Jonas can't hit from the corner! That zone is cursed for this singer!
This household name Jesus Christ with turnover number buckets! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
This certified GOAT candidate Batman misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
This franchise guy Nick Jonas stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break. Travis Scott collapses next to the vending machine. Did you know Travis Scott knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Cleveland Twin-Towers's colors. By accident, obviously. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Khabib Nurmagomedov misses from the corner! Under the basket is no place for the rosin bag!
Jesus Christ finds a second wind! The messiah engine roars back to life!
Nick Jonas coughs up the basketball! Heavy feet strikes again back to the basket!
Khabib Nurmagomedov slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a wrestler hits the workbench!
Nick Jonas tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
Batman snaps at the bench on his way out. Jesus Christ says nothing, but his look says everything. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-128 (L)
Khabib Nurmagomedov announces themselves! The wrestler has arrived and the building knows it!
Travis Scott goes to work but it's well off! Heavy feet under fatigue!
Batman botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Khabib Nurmagomedov, this short king, gets exploited in the switch! Ego the size of Texas exposed in the mismatch!
Khabib Nurmagomedov kicks the air! The frustration of a wrestler who knows they can do better!
First half is done. Jesus Christ is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little secret: Jesus Christ watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Jesus Christ misfires on the floater! Too much float, the messiah touch abandoned them!
Nick Jonas jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for competing the game tomorrow!
Batman coughs it up! A superhero's grip doesn't work on the Spalding!
Travis Scott, this smooth operator, pounds the scorer's table! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Travis Scott vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their loaded checkbook reinforced with the risky picture!
Nick Jonas's lip is trembling. Jesus Christ dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
101-114 (L)
Khabib Nurmagomedov locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a wrestler who means business!
This guy everybody knows Nick Jonas rattles it out! So close yet so far from way beyond the arc!
Batman with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
This top-tier talent Khabib Nurmagomedov can't recover! Scored on facing the rim! Limited stamina!
This basketball god Jesus Christ with a vintage devastating dunk! The old magic is still there!
Intermission. Batman dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Fun fact: Batman blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Batman shakes their head! A superhero who can't believe that just happened!
Khabib Nurmagomedov clanks another one off the rim! This guy everybody knows needs to find rhythm!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, exploits the mismatch facing the rim! Smart play!
Nick Jonas misses the rotation! Too tired, like a singer too tired for the game!
Travis Scott walks off in silence. This franchise guy gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jesus Christ scratches the back of his neck nervously. Travis Scott has the look of someone who has seen things. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-124 (L)
The court welcomes Jesus Christ! The messiah with the game has arrived!
This jersey-selling name Travis Scott whiffs on a half-court heave! The crowd groans!
Batman dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the superhero's finest moment!
Travis Scott gets screened out of the play! This guy everybody knows lost in traffic!
Jesus Christ pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The messiah in them is showing!
Rest time. Batman isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know Batman plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Travis Scott shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a film producer would cringe!
Jesus Christ is running on pure willpower! This all-time great refusing to quit!
Batman loses the Spalding! A superhero would never be this careless!
Batman storms to the bench! Heated! This superhero doesn't handle losing well!
This franchise guy Nick Jonas congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this franchise guy.
Travis Scott lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Nick Jonas decides not to comment. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Sdavollolololololololo Lpololollolooololololoolo finishes #14 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Batman.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Sdavollolololololololo Lpololollolooololololoolo!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Batman. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Jesus Christ. A messiah by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Sdavollolololololololo Lpololollolooololololoolo finishes #14 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Batman.
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