The GODS — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The GODS | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... The GODS! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. LeBron James. The man. The beast. Standing at 206 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Tony Aubin. The man. Is. A university professor. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A university professor. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their lecture notes and apparently, the technical motion of a university professor and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
110-82 (W)
This multi-time All-Star Kevin Durant means business! Fast start from mid-range!
Tony Aubin rises up and fires a deep three! This solid build lighting it up!
LeBron James plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this basketball god!
Kobe Bryant threads the needle! Beautiful assist driving to the hoop! Unreal court vision!
This guy everybody knows Kevin Durant switches defensive assignments on the fly! Silky smooth technique!
Halftime whistle. Kevin Durant spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know Kevin Durant entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Jesus Christ pops the jumper! Clean as their bare hands after a polish!
Jesus Christ tips their headband to the crowd! The messiah gesture with their bare hands!
Kevin Durant, this beanpole, repositions on defense! A gym-rat work ethic collective effort!
Watch Jesus Christ move! The footwork of a messiah navigating the game!
This guy with rings on every finger Kobe Bryant wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Kobe Bryant gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Kevin Durant gives his shoes. Jesus Christ gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
108-99 (W)
Kobe Bryant takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
An off-balance shot from Tony Aubin! This surprise package just keeps delivering!
Jesus Christ with a charge taken to save the possession! Their bare hands to the rescue!
Jesus Christ with the touch pass! Feathery as the game in a messiah's hands!
This all-time great Jesus Christ calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ flops into the first available chair. The staff told me Jesus Christ sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
This certified GOAT candidate Kobe Bryant capitalizes under the basket! A bank shot with that dawg mentality!
Confetti falls as Jesus Christ exits! A messiah's grand finale on the gymnasium!
Kevin Durant finds the open teammate! This reliable star making everyone better!
The narrative shifts! LeBron James takes control with natural-born leadership!
Tony Aubin posts career numbers! Numbers bigger than the young scholars inventory!
LeBron James does a belly slide on the court. Jesus Christ does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
129-83 (W)
Kevin Durant, this established star, embraces the crowd fully behind them! Game on!
Tony Aubin hits from downtown! Precision worthy of their lecture notes in the paint!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James creates for others! Unselfish play with a killer instinct!
Tony Aubin crosses over the damn ball with an unmatched feel for the game. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Kevin Durant digs in defensively! Unreal swagger when the team needs stops!
Break! Tony Aubin rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Tony Aubin raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Jesus Christ banks it in along the baseline! A messiah's steady hand at work!
This global icon LeBron James puts the exclamation point! A buzzer beater facing the rim!
LeBron James accidentally steps on the Spalding and slides! This once-in-a-lifetime player surfing!
Jesus Christ, this hall-of-fame lock, cups the ear to the crowd! A slide across the hardwood! They want more!
Tony Aubin gets the post-game interview! 'It's like challenging the young scholars,' they say!
Kobe Bryant makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Jesus Christ makes the 'call us' gesture. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
120-89 (W)
Kobe Bryant, this hall-of-fame lock, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This generational talent Kobe Bryant punishes the defense with a hook shot under the basket!
Jesus Christ blocks from behind! Came outta nowhere like a messiah on a mission!
Tony Aubin floats a perfect pass! Floating it with a university professor's soft touch!
Kevin Durant spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Halftime! LeBron James walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Little scoop: LeBron James logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
LeBron James knocks down a euro-step on the low block! Ice in the veins!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, basks in a crowd fully behind them! This is home!
Jesus Christ communicates on the switch! Clear as a messiah's directions!
LeBron James launches into the record books! This undisputed superstar making memories!
It's over! Kevin Durant delivers the goods! This reliable star walks off a winner!
LeBron James and Kobe Bryant fake a wrestling match. Jesus Christ plays the referee and calls a timeout. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
128-93 (W)
Tip-off! Kevin Durant gets us started! Let's go!
Jesus Christ finishes the fast break! Sprinting like a messiah who's running late!
Jesus Christ with the hockey assist! That extra pass, beautiful basketball!
Kevin Durant, this big fella, posts up and delivers a catch-and-shoot triple! Textbook!
Jesus Christ wins the rebound battle! Snatched it like a messiah on the clock!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Jesus Christ picks up the pace. Fun fact: Jesus Christ is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Jesus Christ banks a tear drop off the glass! Geometry learned from the messiah life!
Jesus Christ showboats with a fist pump toward the bench! Even the game gets a rest in blowouts!
Jesus Christ just tried to use their bare hands on the ball! Wrong equipment, right energy!
Jesus Christ does a victory lap! Lapping the court with messiah swagger!
This global icon Kobe Bryant led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Jesus Christ does the floss while LeBron James spins like a top. Kobe Bryant just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. I learned that Jesus Christ's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
130-85 (W)
Kobe Bryant looks dialed in from the start! Iron discipline preparation showing!
Kobe Bryant, this first-ballot legend, drops a step-back three at half court! Pure artistry!
Jesus Christ dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this messiah!
Tony Aubin scoops it up and in! The touch of a university professor with the young scholars!
Jesus Christ times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A charge taken along the baseline!
Break! Jesus Christ heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Anecdote: Jesus Christ threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, elevates for a monster pull-up jumper!
This certified GOAT candidate Kobe Bryant adds another! This is a demolition job!
This established star Kevin Durant tries the no-look and passes to the camera crew!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, gets the crowd on their feet! A team high-five! Electric!
LeBron James drives off the court victorious! This undisputed superstar leaves it all out there!
LeBron James does a backflip. Well, he tries. Jesus Christ applauds the effort. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
110-100 (W)
LeBron James, this long boy, takes the court! The cathedral silence is electric!
A half-court heave from Kobe Bryant! This once-in-a-lifetime player is putting on a show tonight!
Tony Aubin with the strip! Snatched the orange clean, that's a university professor with quick hands!
Kobe Bryant with the no-look pass! This undisputed superstar has eyes in the back of the head!
This global icon LeBron James uses the floater over this mountain of a man coverage! Smart!
Into the tunnel. Jesus Christ grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Juicy anecdote: Jesus Christ was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
LeBron James pulls up and drills a deep three! Can't teach that!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, gets the standing ovation! A standing ovation!
Jesus Christ takes the charge for the team! Heart of a messiah, sacrifice of a warrior!
Jesus Christ embodies the spirit of every messiah who ever dreamed of a sky hook!
Kevin Durant walks off the temple of basketball victorious! This established star owns this moment!
Kevin Durant rips the net off the rim. Jesus Christ wraps it around his neck like a scarf. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
115-88 (W)
Kobe Bryant, this giant, is introduced and the arena explodes! This first-ballot legend is in the building!
Kobe Bryant with the and-one reverse layup! That dawg mentality through the whistle!
Jesus Christ channels all their messiah intensity into a defensive rebound!
Kobe Bryant, this long boy, drops the dime! Eyes in the back of the head passing on display!
Kobe Bryant slows the pace when the team needs it! This guy with rings on every finger tempo control!
Halftime whistle! Kobe Bryant grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Anecdote: Kobe Bryant lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Kobe Bryant answers back with a thunderous slam! Ridiculous creativity under pressure!
Listen to that roar! Kobe Bryant crosses over and the place explodes!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
This household name Kobe Bryant is the heartbeat of this team! A signature move leadership!
Kevin Durant, this mammoth, takes the final bow! A team high-five! Dominant display!
LeBron James and Kevin Durant cradle the game ball like a baby. Jesus Christ takes a photo. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
127-92 (W)
This max-contract guy Kevin Durant in the starting lineup! Let's see what this max-contract guy brings!
This reliable star Kevin Durant does it again! A two-handed slam with effortless precision!
This undisputed superstar Kobe Bryant zips the pass through! Another dime from this towering presence!
Kevin Durant, this elite player, knifes through for a scoop layup under the basket! Wow!
LeBron James anticipates the cut and deflects the leather! This franchise cornerstone reading minds!
Well-deserved break. Jesus Christ looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: Jesus Christ fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Tony Aubin pulls off a floater out of nowhere! Was that basketball or university professor magic? Unbelievable!
Kevin Durant, this beanpole, makes it look like practice! Total domination!
This franchise guy Kevin Durant runs the wrong play again! Coach is beside themselves!
This living legend LeBron James stares down the bench! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd after the big play!
Kobe Bryant, this absolute unit, celebrates the win! A raised fist! What a game!
LeBron James runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
119-97 (W)
Kobe Bryant steps back onto the floor! The crowd roars for this generational talent!
What a play by LeBron James! A two-handed slam along the baseline! This generational talent is cooking!
Jesus Christ springs the trap! The messiah instinct is real!
Tony Aubin quarter-backs the possession! Assist for a two-handed slam! What a pass!
Jesus Christ reads the defense perfectly! Scary good handles and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Break! Kobe Bryant takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. True story: Kobe Bryant walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Denver Horse-Track. Awkward. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Tony Aubin with an incredible off-balance shot back to the basket! Standing ovation!
The crowd is on its feet! A standing ovation as Kobe Bryant takes the court!
Tony Aubin plays their role perfectly! Role player, role university professor with their lecture notes!
They said a university professor couldn't play at this level. Tony Aubin and their lecture notes disagree!
Jesus Christ with the game ball! Earned it the hard way, messiah style!
Tony Aubin improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Kobe Bryant plays the imaginary violin. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
134-90 (W)
Tony Aubin locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a university professor who means business!
Kobe Bryant dishes the basketball with purpose! An and-one! This franchise cornerstone means business!
Jesus Christ delivers in transition! Fast delivery, like a messiah with their bare hands!
LeBron James drains a tear drop from mid-range! Textbook freakish explosiveness!
LeBron James jumps into the passing lane! A charge taken! Huge play!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Kobe Bryant picks up the pace. Little secret: Kobe Bryant watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Tony Aubin hits nothing but net! Pure as a university professor's work with their lecture notes!
Jesus Christ with the dagger in the blowout! Overkill! The messiah showed no mercy!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James calls for the pill but trips over the baseline! Comedy gold!
Tony Aubin slides across the floor! A bench mob celebration from mid-range! Entertainment!
LeBron James can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Kevin Durant does a cartwheel at center court. Kobe Bryant tries one too and eats it. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
118-100 (W)
LeBron James opens with a buzzer-beater! This first-ballot legend making an early statement!
Tony Aubin explodes the orange with flair and hits a layup! Sensational!
Tony Aubin, this newcomer, shuts down the play from mid-range! Lockdown defender!
Tony Aubin drops the dime! A university professor with court vision like that? Unreal!
LeBron James dishes with purpose every possession! This household name chess master!
Break! LeBron James has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. True story: LeBron James walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Cleveland Twin-Towers. Awkward. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Kevin Durant fades away and scores! A half-court heave! This long boy is a problem!
This big-name player Kevin Durant has the arena rocking! A cathedral silence off the charts!
Tony Aubin glues the team together! Team-first mentality, pure university professor instinct!
This is Tony Aubin's chapter: the university professor who rose from the young scholars to stardom!
Kevin Durant dishes to the crowd! A raised fist! This world-class player gave everything!
Tony Aubin and Jesus Christ cradle the game ball like a baby. LeBron James takes a photo. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
111-81 (W)
Tony Aubin, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
A pull-up jumper from Kobe Bryant! That's a killer instinct at the highest level!
Jesus Christ finds the cutter! Eyes everywhere, classic messiah awareness!
Tony Aubin, this player nobody saw coming, reads the play perfectly and delivers a scoop layup!
Tony Aubin rotates perfectly for the iron-wall defense! Silky smooth technique on full display!
Halftime! LeBron James has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Little secret: LeBron James has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
LeBron James buries an and-one at half court! This basketball god is on fire tonight!
LeBron James lets fly to yet another easy bucket! The floodgates opened!
Kobe Bryant, this giant, flexes after a missed shot! This undisputed superstar keeping it positive!
Kobe Bryant high-fives everyone on the bench! A slide across the hardwood! The energy is contagious!
Tony Aubin, this smooth operator, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Tony Aubin and Kobe Bryant stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
115-108 (W)
Kobe Bryant, this tower, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
A deep three from Kevin Durant at the top of the key! That's a statement right there!
LeBron James draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
Kevin Durant with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Freakish explosiveness on that one!
Kobe Bryant takes off the ball out of the trap! Freakish explosiveness under pressure!
First half is done. Kevin Durant is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Staff confession: Kevin Durant is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Tony Aubin drains it! Emptying the tank like a university professor on double shift!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
Kobe Bryant, this hall-of-fame lock, picks up the fallen teammate! An unmatched feel for the game beyond the stats!
The commentators can't stop talking about Tony Aubin's university professor background and their lecture notes!
That's the game! LeBron James finishes with a monster performance! This living legend victorious!
LeBron James and Jesus Christ leap onto each other like kids. Kevin Durant comes sprinting in and crushes them both. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
92-113 (L)
This undisputed superstar LeBron James opens the scoring! A catch-and-shoot triple! Early advantage!
Tony Aubin gets blocked! Rejected harder than a university professor's worst day on the job!
Kobe Bryant, this tree of a man, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Tony Aubin with the reverse layup! Creative as a university professor with the young scholars!
Halftime. The doctor examines LeBron James's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Confession: LeBron James believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Jesus Christ argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Tony Aubin, this solid build, can't finish from the right corner! That one stings!
Jesus Christ uses the hesitation dribble! Unreal swagger creating separation!
Kevin Durant blows past but the legs won't cooperate! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, takes the loss hard. Heavy feet at the wrong moments.
Kobe Bryant leaves the court at a jog. Jesus Christ stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
The GODS finishes the season at #1! Champions! 14W-1L. Season MVP: LeBron James!
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... The GODS!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. LeBron James. The man. The beast. Standing at 206 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Tony Aubin. The man. Is. A university professor. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A university professor. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their lecture notes and apparently, the technical motion of a university professor and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
The GODS finishes the season at #1! Champions! 14W-1L. Season MVP: LeBron James!
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