My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | My Team | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Shaquille O'Neal. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 216 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Godzilla. An amateur. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: an amateur, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Godzilla has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-117 (L)
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan in the starting lineup! Let's see what this first-ballot legend brings!
Godzilla, this guy everybody knows, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Godzilla, this do-it-all player, commits the travel! Injury-prone body in the footwork!
Godzilla gets crossed over! This guy everybody knows left frozen from mid-range!
Trae Young drops the head after another miss! Limited stamina sapping the confidence!
Halftime! Trae Young looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Rumor has it Trae Young has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Michael Jordan rushes a euro-step in transition! Heavy feet creeping in!
Trae Young, this well-respected player, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Trae Young, this low-to-the-ground speedster, gets stripped at the top of the key! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
This seasoned vet Trae Young hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in transition!
Godzilla sits alone on the bench. This guy everybody knows processing the defeat.
Trae Young punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Michael Jordan slides down the wall to the floor. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
118-99 (W)
This franchise guy Godzilla means business! Fast start at the buzzer!
Michael Jordan posts up the pill with insane court vision. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
This hooper's hooper Trae Young with the no-foul contest under the basket! Clean as a whistle!
Shaquille O'Neal with the alley-oop pass! This oversized freak throws it up, teammate throws it down!
Godzilla, this top-tier talent, orchestrates the delay game! Nerves of steel in action!
Halftime! LeBron James walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Fun fact: LeBron James tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Trae Young, this elusive guard, elevates for a monster reverse layup!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal silences the hostile crowd! Wild stands shifts!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, anchors the second unit! This potential GOAT versatile contributor!
This All-Star caliber talent Godzilla digs deep! Finding reserves nobody knew existed!
LeBron James dunks the trophy! This living legend adds to the collection! A victory dance!
Godzilla performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. LeBron James imitates it. It's worse. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
100-118 (L)
Godzilla, this All-Star caliber talent, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Michael Jordan, this household name, with the shot-clock heave! No good off the pick and roll!
Shaquille O'Neal throws it away! Lack of consistency under pressure facing the rim!
This up-and-coming baller Trae Young fouls reaching in! Ego the size of Texas on defense!
Godzilla, this combo guard, takes over from downtown. A bank shot! That's elite!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Michael Jordan picks up the pace. Confession: Michael Jordan tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Michael Jordan slams the basketball in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Brick! Godzilla misfires from the left corner! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
This established player Trae Young recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Shaquille O'Neal, this first-ballot legend, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
This franchise guy Godzilla leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
Godzilla's complexion is grey. Shaquille O'Neal's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
98-95 (W)
This world-class player Godzilla gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
LeBron James anticipates the cut and deflects the basketball! This certified GOAT candidate reading minds!
Michael Jordan penetrates the basketball right into the defender's hands! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mountain of a man, dominates from mid-range and puts up an alley-oop! Unstoppable!
Shaquille O'Neal rises up to the right spot! That dawg mentality off-ball movement!
Back to the locker room. Shaquille O'Neal's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Fun fact: Shaquille O'Neal is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
This potential GOAT LeBron James silences the crowd! A layup at the buzzer! Stone cold!
LeBron James, this generational talent, bodied up and forced the turnover! Physical defense!
Deafening noise! Michael Jordan goes to work and the building shakes!
LeBron James wants the ball and delivers! An off-balance shot in the first quarter! Clutch gene!
This absolute legend Michael Jordan led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Trae Young performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Godzilla imitates it. It's worse. I learned tonight that Trae Young used to be a volunteer firefighter. That explains the unique running style. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
114-90 (W)
Godzilla, this elite player, draws first blood! A finger roll to start!
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, exploits the mismatch for a pull-up jumper! Too easy!
Michael Jordan plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this certified GOAT candidate!
Shaquille O'Neal, this hall-of-fame lock, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a pull-up jumper!
Godzilla spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Break! Shaquille O'Neal has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Bus driver's confession: Shaquille O'Neal raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
This jersey-selling name Godzilla finishes with authority! A buzzer beater facing the rim!
The crowd is on its feet! A Playoff atmosphere as Trae Young takes the court!
LeBron James sprints back on defense! This undisputed superstar leading by example!
The legend of Shaquille O'Neal grows! This all-time great adding another chapter from way beyond the arc!
Michael Jordan can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Trae Young slides across the court in his socks while Godzilla splashes water on everyone. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
97-110 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal opens with a tear drop! This undisputed superstar making an early statement!
Trae Young, this guy with a proven track record, pulls the trigger back to the basket but no luck!
This potential GOAT LeBron James commits the 5-second violation! Clock management occasional mental lapses!
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan gives up the offensive rebound! Hot head when boxing out!
Trae Young, this established player, operates along the baseline with an alley-oop! Clinic!
Back to the locker room. Godzilla's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Did you know Godzilla once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Michael Jordan, this first-ballot legend, refuses to high-five! Ego the size of Texas hurting the chemistry!
Shaquille O'Neal steps back but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Trae Young grabs the shorts! This guy with a proven track record is running on fumes!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
LeBron James looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Michael Jordan looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
93-101 (L)
Michael Jordan pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This global icon locked in!
Michael Jordan can't buy a bucket! Another miss at the top of the key! Frustrating!
Godzilla, this all-around player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from downtown!
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, lets the shooter get free from the left corner! Costly lapse!
Trae Young launches and converts! A sky hook along the baseline! Money!
Finally a breather. Godzilla has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know? Godzilla once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Michael Jordan, this once-in-a-lifetime player, yells at the coaching staff! Occasional mental lapses causing friction!
Michael Jordan with a wild attempt! This certified GOAT candidate not finding the range tonight!
Trae Young blows past into the right spacing! Iron discipline and elite court awareness!
Michael Jordan is gassed! This absolute legend bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this hall-of-fame lock wanted.
Shaquille O'Neal's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Trae Young breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Trae Young. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
79-117 (L)
Tip-off! Godzilla gets us started! Let's go!
Godzilla forces up a pull-up jumper over the defense! Tendency to force bad shots! Bad decision!
Michael Jordan spins into a dead end under the basket! Turnover! Sometimes predictable game!
This living legend Michael Jordan picks up the cheap foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Shaquille O'Neal, this global icon, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
The players leave the court. Shaquille O'Neal clings to the tunnel railing. Little secret: Shaquille O'Neal listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Trae Young, this small but mighty player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Injury-prone body!
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal can't close out! The legs are shot from downtown!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, steps out of bounds with the Wilson! Mental lapse!
Godzilla rises up the towel! This jersey-selling name showing lack of consistency!
Michael Jordan walks off in silence. This household name gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Trae Young scratches the back of his neck nervously. Godzilla has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
98-103 (L)
Godzilla takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Michael Jordan with another pull-up jumper! You can't stop this man!
This respected competitor Trae Young commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
Michael Jordan pulls up the Spalding but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This franchise guy Godzilla hits the big three! The deficit down to single digits!
Halftime. LeBron James glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know? LeBron James launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal gets called for the charge in the money time! Brutal!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Shaquille O'Neal is inevitable tonight! This guy with rings on every finger can't be stopped!
Trae Young, this low-to-the-ground speedster, gets blocked in the clutch! A defensive stop denies this player making noise!
Shaquille O'Neal blows past to the tunnel in disappointment. This household name will learn from this.
LeBron James's gaze is cold, distant. Godzilla's gaze is hot, angry. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
86-131 (L)
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
LeBron James, this mammoth, wastes a golden chance with a wild deep three!
Godzilla goes to work the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this reliable star!
Michael Jordan reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to force bad shots on the help side!
Michael Jordan, this long boy, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Godzilla picks up the pace. Did you know Godzilla keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Shaquille O'Neal, this first-ballot legend, with a contested step-back three that misses at the top of the key!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James is a warrior but the body says no! The four quarters of war!
Michael Jordan coughs up the Wilson! Occasional mental lapses strikes again on the low block!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, pounds the scorer's table! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, trudges off the gymnasium. Lessons to take from this one.
LeBron James slams his fist on the bench. Godzilla places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Godzilla. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
79-123 (L)
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, takes the court! The crowd fully behind them is electric!
Trae Young dunks and fires but misses everything! Heavy feet tonight!
Michael Jordan with the errant pass! This guy with rings on every finger needs to settle down!
Trae Young scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Heavy feet!
Trae Young mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
The players disappear. LeBron James has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: LeBron James failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal muscles up a buzzer beater but can't get it to fall!
This hooper's hooper Trae Young has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This basketball god LeBron James commits the offensive foul! Turnover facing the rim!
Trae Young posts up away from the huddle! This league veteran in a dark place mentally!
Michael Jordan, this certified GOAT candidate, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Trae Young snaps at the bench on his way out. LeBron James says nothing, but his look says everything. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
84-124 (L)
Game time! LeBron James and this all-time great ready to put on a show at the floor!
Godzilla, this reliable star, comes up empty! A catch-and-shoot triple off target in transition!
This household name LeBron James with turnover number points! Lack of consistency is piling up!
This absolute legend LeBron James can't recover! Scored on from the right corner! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Shaquille O'Neal picks up the second technical! This absolute legend ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
Halftime. Michael Jordan throws his towel on the floor walking in. Anecdote: Michael Jordan once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Michael Jordan, this certified GOAT candidate, sends the leather wide! The touch is off tonight!
Michael Jordan is cramping up! This guy with rings on every finger trying to shake it off! Tendency to force bad shots!
Michael Jordan with the backcourt violation! This absolute legend under too much pressure!
This hooper's hooper Trae Young stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
This elite player Godzilla shakes hands and moves on. In the end, limited stamina proved costly.
Trae Young sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Michael Jordan winces. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
91-117 (L)
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, announced to huge cheers! A cathedral silence!
LeBron James, this big fella, gets the separation but can't finish! Injury-prone body!
Shaquille O'Neal with the lazy pass! Shaky emotions under pressure leading to easy points!
Trae Young gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
Shaquille O'Neal explodes the orange into a pull-up jumper! Ridiculous creativity shining through!
Back in the locker room, Trae Young sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know? Trae Young launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Michael Jordan, this colossus, gets the look but can't convert from downtown!
LeBron James reads the defense perfectly! Freakish explosiveness and a sky-high basketball IQ!
This multi-time All-Star Godzilla can barely jump! The springs are gone facing the rim!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this potential GOAT.
Trae Young takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Michael Jordan doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-125 (L)
Godzilla spins into position! This reliable star not wasting any time!
An alley-oop by Michael Jordan at half court is way off! Tough night for this guy with rings on every finger!
This franchise guy Godzilla loses concentration and the pill with it!
Michael Jordan falls asleep on the weak side! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
This basketball god Michael Jordan fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
Break. Shaquille O'Neal asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
A layup from Trae Young catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Godzilla, this all-around player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Shaquille O'Neal charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots when controlling pace!
LeBron James mutters to himself walking back! This hall-of-fame lock fighting inner demons!
Michael Jordan, this living legend, takes the loss hard. Tendency to force bad shots at the wrong moments.
Godzilla and Michael Jordan share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-124 (L)
This generational talent LeBron James catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Michael Jordan fires an alley-oop in the paint but can't connect! Heavy feet showing!
Shaquille O'Neal, this 7-footer, gets called for the carry! Occasional mental lapses in ball-handling!
This top-tier talent Godzilla caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
LeBron James dunks angrily after the turnover! This hall-of-fame lock spiraling!
The players head to the locker room. Michael Jordan is sweating like a racehorse. Quick anecdote about Michael Jordan: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
A scoop layup attempt by Godzilla falls short! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Trae Young, this lightning-quick little man, looks exhausted in transition! The legs are gone!
Trae Young with a wild pass that sails out! This respected competitor giving it away!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Michael Jordan had the chances but couldn't convert. This hall-of-fame lock left wanting.
Michael Jordan stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Godzilla comes back to get him. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
My Team finishes #14 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Shaquille O'Neal. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 216 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Godzilla. An amateur. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: an amateur, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Godzilla has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
My Team finishes #14 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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